Disclaimer: I own everything

The scene opens on the top deck of a riverboat that is sailing down the Mississippi River. Around a small table sit two people. These mysterious figures are Secret Agent X and Secret Agent Falcon.

Agent X: What is your observation of the observed target, Agent Falcon?

Agent Falcon: *scribbling on a small notepad* He does not suspect, sir.

Agent X: Good. *pauses* Put that notebook away, Falcon! He might suspect!

Agent Falcon: But, is that good? *pushes glasses up on nose*

Agent X: Of course! We suspected him before he suspected us; therefore, we have the advantage. Understand?

Agent Falcon: No, sir. Do I need to understand?

Agent X: No, you nitwit! I am the leader. Okay?

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir. *salutes with left hand*

Agent X: Wrong hand! You salute with the other hand!

Agent Falcon: Sorry. *switches hands*

Agent X: Stop saluting. Others will suspect us!

Agent Falcon: *hand does not lower* Who?

Agent X: *frustrated* Others! Now stop saluting.

Agent Falcon: *salutes with left hand again* Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop saluting!

Agent Falcon*salutes with both hands*: I will never salute again!

Agent X: *warningly* Girl!

Agent Falcon: *puzzled* Girl? But my name is Falcon, is it not, Agent X?

Agent X: Do not call me an agent! Shush! *covers Falcon's mouth while glancing around* Do you want to be suspected?

Agent Falcon: *pushes away X's hand* But we suspected them first. So we have the advantage, right?

Agent X: Of course! *abruptly* Give me the gun. I am going to arrest the unsuspecting suspector.

Agent Falcon: But you said that you were going to bring it.

Agent X: *loudly* I never forget things. I cannot believe that you forgot the gun!

Agent Falcon: *puzzled* But you forgot it, sir.

Agent X: I cannot believe that you forgot the gun! He is armed!

Agent Falcon: *giving up* I cannot believe it either, sir. I am sorry.

Agent X: So am I. But, no matter. We still have a secret weapon.

Agent Falcon: We do? Why was I not informed?

Agent X: If you were informed about it, it would not be a "secret" weapon, now would it? We have the nearly unstoppable clicky-finger!

Agent Falcon: Clicky-finger? What is that?

Agent X: Too many questions! Be quiet!

Agent Falcon: Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop apologizing! Do you want to be suspected?

Agent Falcon: *sees nobody on the deck* By who?

Agent X: *loudly* Shush!

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir.

Agent X: *shapes hand into a gun with the index finger as the nozzle* Click!

Agent Falcon: That is the clicky finger?

Agent X: Of course! What else would it be?

Agent Falcon: But he has a real gun.

Agent X: Stop bothering me with unimportant details.

Agent Falcon: *slowly* Unimportant details? He will kill us!

Agent X: *thoughtfully* We will use the clicky-finger with the element of surprise. That always works.

Agent Falcon: He will shoot us! Besides, he suspects us!

Agent X: He does not suspect us yet. Would you be surprised and caught completely off guard if two people attacked you with clicky-fingers and we had real guns?

Agent Falcon: Surprised at them? Or surprised that we remembered our guns?

Agent X: The first, of course! We are no fools.

Agent Falcon: You could have fooled me.

Agent X: Where on earth is your self-confidence?

Agent Falcon: The same place as our gun. There he goes!

Agent X: Who is going?

Agent Falcon: The unsuspecting suspect who we have been observing.

Agent X: I knew that. I was merely testing you.

Agent Falcon: What is his name?

Agent X: Who?

Agent Falcon: The man we are following.

Agent X: Oh, yes. Him. *pauses* *loudly* You distracted me!

Agent Falcon: I distracted you? I just asked for the suspect's name.

Agent X: Yes, you distracted me. The name of the suspect is Blue Tom.

Agent Falcon: What is he wanted for?

Agent X: Illegally acting suspicious, wearing dark glasses, and selling popcorn.

Agent Falcon: *taking notes* Okay. What! Selling popcorn?

Agent X: Selling caramel popcorn! Without a license! It is horrible.

Agent Falcon: *sarcastically* That explains a lot. *normally* But why is he carrying a gun?

Agent X: Because he knows he is guilty. Why else?

Agent Falcon: *pauses for several seconds and sits temporarily stunned* Wow. That almost makes sense. Are you feeling okay?

Agent X: *missing the sarcasm completely* Do not be concerned about me. I am immune to the toxic caramel popcorn.

Agent Falcon: I see. Wait! The popcorn is toxic?

Agent X: All caramel popcorn is toxic, especially the caramel. Never forget that.

Agent Falcon: Oh, but when we arrest him, will he not recognize us?

Agent X: Take off your glasses and follow my lead.

The agents put their glasses on top of their heads. They feel their way blindly along the ship's railing. They stumble into Blue Tom.

Blue Tom: *steadies them* are you both alright?

Agent X: Of course. Have a good day! *backs away*

The agents attempt to slip away; but without their glasses, they are practically blind. Almost like bats. They both trip over their own feet and crash to the deck.

Blue Tom: *amused* You two need help.

Agent Falcon: He suspects us, sir!

Blue Tom: Suspects who? Who are you people?

Agent X: Falcon, it is no use. Let us take off our disguise.

They put their glasses on their faces.

Agent X: *rising from the ground with Falcon* Do not make any sudden moves, Tom, or we will be forced to unleash our ultra-lethal secret weapon.

Agent Falcon: It is ultra-lethal?

Agent X: *grimly* I once watched as an innocent man almost died when he was faced with it.

Agent Falcon: How?

Agent X: The man saw someone using it and he could not stop laughing. It almost killed him.

Agent Falcon: Blue Tom, I would obey Agent X if I were you. *whips out notepad* You are charged with illegally: acting suspicious, wearing dark glasses, and selling caramel popcorn. What do you have to say for yourself? *puts notepad away*

Blue Tom: You are agents? *Pulls out a hose nozzle* Freeze!

Agent X: What is that?

Blue Tom: It is a hose nozzle; and if you come any closer, I will turn it on!

Agent Falcon: *pales in fear* What should we do, sir?

Agent X: *Dramatically* Unfreeze and unleash the weapon. The safety of this country, and perhaps the world, depends on us.

Agent Falcon: *Cheerfully* Sir, the weapon is unleashed.

Blue Tom is stunned by the sheer stupidity of this situation, and is arrested while stunned.

Agent X: We are docking! Glasses off!

Agent Falcon: But how will we get him off the boat without being suspected by others? He might have a partner!

Agent X: I do not believe that he does have a partner. Besides, we are secret agents. Nobody will try to stop us.

Agent Falcon: *rolls eyes* Bang goes our secret agent role!

Agent X: *calmly* We are protecting the country. We will get more assignments, just like we did after that last one that we messed up, I mean, completed.

Agent Falcon: *frantically* Not if everyone sees us taking him off the boat. The "secret" in "secret agent" will be gone for good! Now do you get it?

Agent X: *thoughtfully* You do have a point there. *turns to the fellow agent* Than what do you suggest that we do to remove him from the ship?

Agent Falcon: Are you putting me in charge for this mission?

Agent X: Yes, but it is not a mission. It is not even a mini-mission. So do not let it go to your head! But do you have a plan without the whole 'bang goes our secret agent role' thing?

Agent Falcon: I suggest that we devise a plan that will allow us to take him off the boat without being seen. The secret plan will remove any possibility of us being seen or spotted by his possible partner.

Agent X: *glances at Blue Tom* We have to get him to the safe house without being seen, you know.

Agent Falcon: I know. *smiles mischievously* Wait until you hear my plan!

The details for the plan are carefully sketched out and prepared. Blue Tom shakes his head in disbelief as he overhears their plans. Unknown to the agents, Loren, Blue Tom's partner, is listening from the ladder leading up to the top deck.

Agent X: Yes, that should do it! Let us be off!

Agent Falcon: Yes, sir.

Loren: *walking onto the deck* Do any of you know where lunch will be served?

Agent X: *stares at Loren* Why, yes, I do know. It will be on the main deck in about…*glances at watch* fifteen minutes. Why do you ask?

Loren: Do you lift weights? You look so intelligent and strong. *she feels his arms while Blue Tom loosens his restraints*

Agent X: *flattered and not paying attention to the prisoner*

Agent Falcon: *sees what is happening and rolls eyes dramatically* Oh, brother!

Blue Tom: Hello, can I take you to lunch, Miss? You look like you could use some extra company.

Agent X: *between clenched teeth* Blue Tom, what do you think you are doing?

Blue Tom: Inviting her, because you are too slow to ask.

Agent Falcon: *quietly* Which is usually a good thing.

Agent X: Thank you, Tom. You seem like a nice person, for a villain.

Agent Falcon: *confused* He is?

Blue Tom: Miss…

Loren: My name is Loren. Loren Smith.

Blue Tom: Well, Miss Loren Smith, do I look like a villain to you?

Loren: No, you seem like such a nice man; but your deep voice is pretty intimidating.

Blue Tom: Sorry about my voice, but that comes with being the farm boy that I am. You develop that as you are raised on the farm.

Agent Falcon: *interrupting* Actually, Miss Smith, he is a dangerous man. Blue Tom is an evil villain.

Loren: Who is Blue Tom?

Agent X: This man is Blue Tom. Have you ever met him? Before now, I mean.

Loren: I met him once before, but I never got the chance to know him.

Agent Falcon: Good. Did he ever try to sell you any popcorn, by any chance?

Loren: Why would he sell me popcorn? He is a farmer.

Agent Falcon: How do you know he is a farmer?

Loren: He just said he is a farm boy. So, I suggest he is a farmer. Do you have any evidence that he sells popcorn?

Agent X: What do you mean?

Loren: Have you discovered any popcorn about his person?

Agent X: No.

Loren: Or any cases of popcorn to sell on this riverboat?

Agent X: Not that I am aware of. Why?

Loren: Can you prove that he is a popcorn salesman?

Agent X: Not with the current evidence, Miss Smith, but…

Loren: So, how can you say he is a criminal? You have no evidence to prove it.

Agent X: Falcon, did you bring the evidence?

Agent Falcon: You said to let you bring it this time.

Agent X: You forgot the gun and the evidence? What kind of agent and partner are you?

Loren: You are both agents?

Blue Tom: Yes, they are. Unfortunately.

Agent Falcon: She suspects us, sir.

Agent X: Be calm. I will handle this.

Loren: If you have no evidence, how can you arrest him?

Agent Falcon: She has a point there.

Agent X: Shush! I am trying to think!

Agent Falcon: *mischievously* Does it hurt?

Agent X: *dryly* Very funny.

The two agents begin to argue. Blue Tom and Loren walk away.

Agent X: *glancing around* You let them get away!

Agent Falcon: I let them get away?!

Agent X: Of course you did! I never make any mistakes.

Agent Falcon: At least you think so.

Agent X: Think what?

Agent Falcon: *frustrated* Anything!

Agent X: I am the leader. I am paid to think!

Agent Falcon: Are you paid to let them get away?

Agent X: *warningly* Falcon!

Agent Falcon: *salutes* Sorry, sir.

Agent X: Stop saluting!

Agent Falcon: *drops the hand* Where did they go, sir?

Agent X: Follow me!

The two agents leave the dock where the ship is harbored. They spot the two criminals walking down the street into the town.

Agent Falcon: What do we do now?

Agent X: We follow them. What else would we do?

After several minutes, the villains realize that they are being followed.

Loren: Tom, run! We are being followed!

Blue Tom: Let's hide in there! Quickly!

The partners enter the building. They are quickly captured, by the secret agency. This house happens to be the safe house of the secret agents.

Agent X: Are they captured, sir?

Supervisor: Yes, X. We captured them. How did you lure them into the safe house?

Agent X: Well, sir. Due to great planning and preparation on my part…

Agent Falcon: Oh, brother. Here we go again, like every single time!

Agent X: Not like last time. And I was about to mention your help…

The secret agents get promoted and the villains go to prison.

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