A Modest Rampage

By Lord Raa

Disclaim-me-do: When something's good, it's never gone.

Part 2

Shinji sighed as he was forced to allow his mechanical protector to accompany him to school. The pilot had remembered the first meeting between him and Touji, and while the tracksuit clad youth had already apologised for the beating he gave him, he still didn't feel all that comfortable around him.

Though that may have had something to do with the way Touji and his partner in crime, Kensuke Aida, were always drooling over Misato.

"Mister Ikari, care to explain why your friend is dressed like that?" the elderly teacher asked with disdain in his voice.

"Statement: I am IBRC-15, human-cyborg mutilations. My mission is to protect my master, Shinji Ikari," the golden robot replied.

"…" The class wore sweat-drops.

"Statement: I will use lethal force if necessary. Request: Will someone please doubt my sincerity? I have yet to use my new toy," IBRC-15 said as it pulled out an oversized revolver and waved it around like it was an empty water pistol. "Regret: Unfortunately, the Geneva Convention prohibits 20mm weapons from being loaded with hollow point rounds. Consolation: 20mm incendiary rounds are perfectly legal. WAFFY experience: I can kill things with fire."

"I-ikari-kun?" Hikari asked hesitantly. "Why is your robot so…?"

"Bloodthirsty? Psychotic? Evil? I don't know, Horaki-iinchou," the Third Child replied with a tired sigh. "You'd have to ask the people that made it."

It was true that Shinji didn't quite know why his robotic protector was so enthusiastic when it came to its duties, but he was glad IBRC-15 was when he and an inebriated Misato were out last night and that motorcycle gang started to harass them.

The pilot shuddered when he recalled the violence that was unleashed.

"Query: Is there something wrong, Master?"

"No, it's just that," Shinji looked around. "We're disrupting the lesson."

The robot also looked around. "Query: And? Do they not know what you do? Do they not realise that if you so desired, you could leave this wretched hive of scum and villainy to perish?"

"…"

The teacher coughed to get everyone's attention. "If everyone has finished talking, I'll continue the lesson."

IBRC-15 strode over and examined the lesson plan. "Opinion: I do not think that this history lesson is going to entertain the students. Suggestion: Why don't we change the lesson plan? I could teach them something useful like ballistics or self-defence or perhaps even how to deal with unexploded ordinance?"

"I don't think so. Ikari-kun, you and your cosplaying friend are in big trouble. I want both of you to head down to the Principal's office!" the grey haired man ordered.

"Y-yes sir," the pilot replied. He walked slowly to the door.

"Statement: You are not my master, therefore I do not have to follow your orders," said the mechanical man. "Demand: Give me a reason why I don't slaughter you all."

"No!" Shinji yelled. "You can't kill my classmates!"

"Correction: I could kill every last meatbag this room within sixty seconds."

IBRC-15 scanned the room to see a host of terrified faces looking back at him. "Statement: If you do not want me to engage in some unadulterated violence, then I will refrain, Master. However, I will not allow people to use and abuse you, Master. Demand: You! The boy with the glasses and freckles, stop your drooling. I will not allow you to look at my schematics nor will I discuss the logistics of artificial intelligence."

Kensuke blushed as he realised he was the centre of attention.

"Statement: I will use the school computers to access the local information networks. I may need to assist my master with his schoolwork," the golden robot said as he took his place at an empty desk.

After school, Shinji quickly walked home, hoping to minimise the chance of IBRC-15 hurting someone. It had taken a lot of effort on his part to convince the mechanical psychopath not to skin Touji alive for assaulting him when they first met.

Kensuke also had to be warned for trying to touch the droid's weapons.

The pilot wondered if the pair would be alright – they had to change their clothes when IBRC-15 had finished his little speech.

Effortlessly keeping up with the rushing Ikari, the golden robot heard some people say something derogatory about Shinji's piloting skills.

"There he is, there's that robot pilot. What's up, little man? Scoping out more places to demolish when you fall over in your robot?" a scruffy looking teenager with long, greasy hair called out much to the amusement of his friends.

Shinji ducked into a nearby convenience store, hoping that his tormentors would quickly leave him alone.

"Statement: I will be with you in one moment, Master," IBRC-15 said with what could have been synthesised glee in his voice.

Crossing the road, the mechanical man approached the would-be bullies still sitting on their motorbikes. "Query: Are you instrumental to the prolonged existence of this city?"

"What?" the first youth asked in confusion.

"Statement: It appears that you are hard of hearing and that I must repeat my question. Query: Are you instrumental to the prolonged existence of this city?"

"N-no," the greasy haired delinquent replied backing up from the metallic aggressor.

"Statement: You are about to make my day. Declaration of intent: Prepare your souls for whatever gods you believe in, it is time for some unadulterated violence in the name of protecting my master."

IBRC-15 pulled out his modified artillery piece and aimed it at the bike furthest away from him. "Statement: I am under the impression that this is loaded 20 millimetre incendiary shells."

One squeeze of a trigger later and the targeted motorbike was in flames. "Statement: It is loaded with 20mm incendiary shells and your conveyance has been… Query: What's the term I am searching for? Answer: Killed with fire. Query: Who is next?"

Ten minutes later, IBRC-15 entered the convenience store looking for Shinji. "Statement: Master, those meatbags will no longer be a bother to you or society. Query: Master, where are you hiding? Are you injured?"

"N-no," Shinji replied nervously. "It's just that you've got some red on you."

"Statement:" the robot said as he looked at his chest, "So I have. It appears that I have some liver on my right knuckles as well. Query: Master, may we return home so that I can clean my housing? I do not think that staining your guardian's home with offal will endear me to her."

"Let's go," Shinji sighed. "I'll get you something to help clean off that… what is that on your feet?"

"Statement: I am not 100 percent sure, Master. Speculation: It could be bowel, bile duct or even pancreas. I will analyse it during my cleaning."

Shinji sighed as he relaxed in the hot water of his bath. As the pilot closed his eyes, he thought back to why he thought that IBRC-15 was another robot.

His cerulean eyes snapped open when he realised why he recognised the murderous droid from.

"Damn…"

The pilot sighed as he sank down into the hot water. "That's not good. To think that I thought that HK-47 was my best friend and when I couldn't find him, no-one would tell me what happened to my favourite toy…"

"I'm so pathetic," Shinji muttered sadly.

Ten minutes later, Shinji decided that he was wrinkly enough and finally decided to exit the bath. After drying himself off, he made his way to his room.

"Query: Is anything wrong, Master?" the freshly cleaned robot asked, his golden chassis reflecting the artificial light.

"It's ok," Shinji sighed.

"No it's not," Misato countered before draining her fifth beer of the evening. "I've known you for long enough to know that you're hiding something, Shin-chan. Now tell me what's going on."

"O-ok," the pilot sighed again. "It's just that I was reminded of when I was little and I lost my favourite toy."

"Query: Just why does this make you 'sad'?"

"I-it's because I remembered how silly I was back than," Shinji admitted with a light blush on his face. "I pretended he was real and that he would help me one day. That was until one day he disappeared and I couldn't find any trace of him. My guardians denied any knowledge of him. And they bought him for me when I was five!"

"When did you lose this toy?" Misato asked, feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her roommate.

"Just before I was seven. HK-47 was the only thing I cared about."

"Statement: I am unsure what words I should say in an attempt to comfort you, Master. However I am sure that if I resemble this toy of yours, then perhaps you should consider me to be the reincarnation of this 'HK-47' character? Reminder: I was constructed by Dr. Akagi to protect you and provide assistance when necessary and where possible."

Shinji was unsure of what to make of his robotic protector placing a "comforting" hand on his shoulder, but said something to show his appreciation. "Thanks IBRC-15, that's kind of you."

"Statement: My programming has equated 'kindness' with weakness, therefore I am not 'kind', I am merely assisting my master. Request: Please do not call me 'kind' again," said IBRC-15.

"Kindness isn't a weakness," Misato insisted.

"Counterpoint for this argument: I disagree as kindness is frequently used against those that have it. Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted my master to do something for me, I could use his kindness towards others as a means of leverage. For example: I want fine mineral and synthetic oils for my joints. Get them for me or I will skin Captain Katsuragi alive."

Shinji paled.

"Statement: You can see my point, can you not?" IBRC-15 replied. "Reiteration: My mission is to protect Shinji Ikari from all manner of threats. And that includes his personality quirks."

"I see," the beer drinker drawled. "Well, what next? You going to teach Shinji how to shoot a gun or disarm a bomb?"

"Statement: Negative. While Master's combat effectiveness would be increase, there would be an increased risk of him being injured and I am unsure how Master would feel about killing his fellow meatbags. Aside: It would also mean that I would have less fun."

Although Shinji felt somewhat relieved that he wouldn't be learning how to handle weapons or kill people, he sweat-dropped at that last comment.

"T-that's nice," the pilot nodded.

"Observation:" the mechanical psychopath said, "You look somewhat fatigued, Master. Suggestion: Perhaps you should get some rest?"

"Y-yeah," Shinji yawned. "I'll see you in the morning."

Shinji awoke to a synthesised voice telling him that it was time to get up.

"O-ok," the pilot yawned sleepily. "I'll make us something to eat as soon as I've freshened up."

"Statement: I do not require sustenance."

"Oh, sorry, IBRC, is there anything I can get you?" Shinji asked as he gathered his washing kit.

"Statement: I am not in need of anything at this time, however should any need for repairs, supplies or other assistance arise, I will contact you. Subject change: During the night while you and Captain Katsuragi slept, I took the liberty of investigating the neighbours for potential security risks."

"Oh?" the pilot asked, his face wearing a look of worry as he realised that he would have to apologise to the other tenants in the building for the robot's actions.

"Yes. Fortunately, it seems that we are in a relatively secure building and we do not have to worry about a 'sleeper cell' of terrorists planting an explosive device in this apartment," the mechanoid said.

"That's good to hear."

"Statement: It is indeed. Advice: We should still be cautious when it comes to revealing your identity and role within NERV. Explanation: While I relish the chance to slaughter many meatbags to keep you safe, I cannot remove every threat to your safety without the use of more apocalyptic methods than you would approve of."

"A-apocalyptic methods?" the young Ikari asked, the feeling that he wasn't going to like the forthcoming answer.

"Clarification: NBC weaponry, tectonic manipulation, orbital barrage are methods that are most effective when it comes to de-populating a large area, Master."

Shinji held his head as a flash of pain seared through his optic nerve.

"He's trying to help me, not kill every person on Earth. He's trying to help me, not kill every person on Earth," he repeated under his breath. After a few moments of this, the pain subsided and he turned to IBRC-15. "I've got to get washed up, so why don't you wake up Misato-san? Be gentle, she's not a morning person."

Misato Katsuragi's pleasant dream of being taken care of by several hunky men wearing tanning oil and loin-cloths was rudely interrupted by the electronic bleeping from her alarm clock.

"Stupid morning shifts," she grumbled before falling back asleep and missing the knock at the door.

There was another knock, this time it was louder and lasted for longer, but Misato still didn't hear it.

"Statement: Katsuragi is a heavy sleeper. I must use more intrusive methods to awaken her."

The door opened and IBRC-15 walked in. A quick scan of the room helped confirm the conclusion that Shinji didn't clean up in this room as he did the rest of the apartment.

"Observation: Katsuragi is what is known as a 'slob'. Perhaps I should assist my Master by tidying in this room?"

Kneeling by the head of the bed, the bloodthirsty mechanoid leant in and spoke.

"Statement: It is time. Prepare yourself, meatbag."

"Wha?" the purple haired woman asked, lifting her head slightly. "Jesus buggery! What the Hell are you doing here?"

"Response: I was asked to rouse you from your slumber by my Master. I believe that I have completed this task. Please gather your things so that you may perform your morning cleansing."

"What? Oh, you mean get washed up? Right, yeah, just let me get my stuff together. Wait, what do you care if I'm clean or not?" Misato asked as she stretched.

"Response: It does not matter to me, as I do not have what you would consider a sense of smell. However, my Master would not approve of any stench permeating through this apartment as he is the one that does the cleaning in this domicile," IBRC-15 said as it turned to the door.

"Hey, I don't stink!" the Captain protested after checking her armpits.

"Reminder: I do not have a sense of smell to confirm that statement one way or another. Query: Would you like me to get my Master for an olfactory assessment?"

"What? You want to Shinji to sniff me?" Misato screeched in protest. "What sort or machine are you?"

"Statement: I am programmed for human-cyborg mutilations, not chemical analysis. I do not know what would be considered an unpleasant smell," the mechanoid replied before leaving Misato to wallow in her frustration.

Later that morning, Gendo Ikari was reading a top secret report that had been left on his desk.

"It seems that the Jet Alone project is nearing the public testing stage. I'm impressed with their progress. It's almost a shame that I have to sabotage it."

Placing the folder on to the stained oak desk, he picked up the phone and dialled for Dr, Akagi.

"Dr. Akagi, it seems that Jet Alone requires some special attention. Ensure that they fail," the bearded man instructed. "It is your top priority."

"¬But…¬"

"It is your top priority," Gendo repeated before terminating the call.

Misato was looking at the invitation that had been sent to her about the JSSDF's unveiling ceremony.

"What do you make of this, Ritsuko?" she asked, turning to her friend.

"It's a junket where they'll be free food and possibly free booze, what's there to make of it?"

"Free booze?" the Captain asked. She shook her head. "That's not what I meant, Ritsuko, I meant this Jet Alone thing. Do you really think it could defeat an Angel?"

Ritsuko leaned back in her chair. "I honestly don't know; I'll have to have a look at it. Are you going to come with me? Remember: free food and drink."

"I suppose that I'll have to accompany you, just to keep you safe from all those horny scientists," Misato replied in a theatrical tone.

To be continued…

Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on certain tubes.