I agreed to go out with Freddie for the first time two days after my sixteenth birthday. He was so courteous and sweet and charming that I couldn't say no to him after that. Even though I didn't feel attracted to him at the time, I figured that would come later, I would fall in love with him and bam, I'd want him just like that.

I'm not sure how many dates we went on between then and two years later when he asked me to marry him, but it was a lot. Somewhere around Christmas before I turned seventeen, I fell in love with Sam. I'm not sure how it happened or why, but I woke up one morning, rolled over, and had the most intense urge to drag her to me and explore her mouth and body. Of course, I held back. And I couldn't tell Freddie about it. He was so in love with me, for no reason I could figure out, and I couldn't bring myself to break his heart.

When he proposed, I guess I felt obligated to accept. So, in reality, I'm the one who made myself this miserable. Not Sam. I'm the one who wasn't straight forward until it was too late. And I can't tell Freddie now because he really is amazing. Sam's gone, anyway, so its not like she's waiting for me if I left.

But she's coming back.

"Are you okay?"

I jerk my eyes away from the bare wall I had been staring intently at to face my husband across the table. He'd made us both eggs for breakfast and now smiled at me with a piece of toast in his hand.

"Fine," I mutter after a slow second in my brain. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. Just kind of figured you'd be ecstatic and hyperactive or something since Sam's coming back. I know how much you miss her."

"I guess I'm still in shock." I bob my shoulders.

We're silent for a few moments, chewing and thinking. He glances at me every few seconds, but quickly returns to his food. I can only take it for so long.

"What?" I demand of him, and then wish I had used a softer tone.

He rubs his lips together, burning holes into my face with his eyes. "Do you want to get a divorce?"

"What?" I repeat, dumbstruck.

"Or maybe we could still get an annulment. It's only been a few months. What's the cutoff?" He continues.

"Why? You want to not be married anymore?" I stutter out.

He sighs tiredly. "Let's be honest here, Carly. This isn't working."

"Its working fine."

"No, its not." He inhales sharply and looks around our tattered dining room. "You're not in love with me. I guess I've always known, but I was just so happy I had you, that I didn't care."

"Freddie, I-"

"Stop. You don't have to deny it to spare my feelings." He leans back in his chair. "Look, I've been realizing more and more that loving someone doesn't always mean being with them. Because I love you so much, I want you to be happy. And if that's not with me, than it's not with me."

Shock slips down my nerves, filling my joints and suctioning to my stomach. "That's ridiculous. Freddie."

"You don't have to agree or respond at all now. I know you love me, just not like a husband. Think about it. I will love you and be there for you even if only as a friend."

"Freddie."

"I have to get to class."

He leaves me alone in the house we have turned into our first ever home. It feels more like a domicile now than a place of new love and new beginnings. I'm crying before I have the energy to emit a sob. I have to get outside, out of this place, so I run. I don't stop running until I reach the ferry dock.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Are you going to end your marriage?" Sarah asks me over her nachos.

I glance around the small Mexican restaurant like someone actually cares about what we are discussing. It's a family place with brightly colored tables and chairs, festive music playing over the intercom. There's a couple with their young children a few tables away, but they obviously have more important things to think about than my marital status.

"I don't know." I finally sigh. "I can't believe Freddie is willing to sacrifice so much of himself for my happiness. It makes me feel like such a douche."

"You should feel like a douche."

I frown at her. "Whose side are you on?"

"No one's."

"You're my friend."

"So I automatically have to take your side?"

"I guess not."

Sarah curls her red hair behind her ears. "Look, you need someone to be objective in the decision making process, and that clearly isn't going to be you, so I'm assuming the role."

"What do you think I should do?" I question, feeling helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

"Make a list."

"A list?"

"Pros and cons for Freddie and this love of yours."

"You think that will really sway my decision all that much?"

"No, but it will keep you busy while I figure out a way for you to pick." She shrugs.

I grin at her. "Thanks, dude."

"Its what I'm here for." She winks.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I start my lists at the airport Friday morning. I couldn't stop myself from showing up extra early. A mix of excitement and nerves clog my veins, so it takes some of the pressure off to already be waiting. I guess one could say I've been waiting months for this moment.

The majority of my pros are with Freddie, which isn't surprising. But the more important ones are in my Sam column. Ownership of my heart ranks pretty high as a pro, I think.

"Whatcha doing there, cupcake?"

I bash my head into the seat I was about to rest it on and spill my notebook and pen onto the floor in my startled state. My eyes go up before my brain commands them to and I feel no pain once they land on Sam.

She gives me a lopsided grin and readjusts her bag on her shoulder. She looks taller and leaner and glowing. Her normally pale skin has tanned slightly and freckled. Her blue eyes blare into me like a spotlight, not the kind on a disco ball but the kind they use in stadiums. Blue jeans, red and white striped long-sleeve. She's breathtaking.

I gather my stuff as quickly as possible and hop to my feet. "Hi." It's a hopeless, breathless, thoughtless uttering, but it's out there and it's breaking the silence I created.

"Hi…?" She responds, raising an eyebrow at me.

I'm hugging her then, just to feel her heart beat in my chest and her body fill those hollows that I can't seem to get rid of. And before my brain catches on, I press my lips to hers just to get her taste back to my senses. It only lasts a second and she's still smiling when I pull away.

"Hi." I say again once we're in the back of a taxi and the whole situation feels more real.

"Howdy," The taxi drives calls from the front and tilts his head forward. I give a look in the mirror and he rolls his eyes. "What? You think I don't like to be greeted once in a while too?"

I smile politely, mostly because I'm depending on him to keep me alive until we reach my house. "Hi."

He nods. "Why are you focusing on me? I'm just the driver. Leave me alone."

I turn back to Sam, not really sure how to react. "Anyway. Hi."

"I missed you so much." She says in response and she's staring at me like she did on our last night together. Right before she kissed me.

I feel all of the stress build up in my shoulders and lean hard into the back of my seat. "I missed you too."

For a few minutes, we're both silent, trying to collect our thoughts. Sam's never been a fan of silence, so she quickly breaks it.

"Is it just me, or was this sort of anticlimactic?"

I grin at her. "Yeah, it was. But what was supposed to be different? Were we supposed to fuck in the airport?"

"What?" The driver says, all freaked out and ecstatic about his luck.

"Just drive." I tell him sternly.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sam and I sit on opposite sides of her hotel room just staring at each other. I think it was easier to dream and make promises and desires known over the phone than it is to do anything in person. I showed her Freddie's and my house. Took her by the hospital to check up on her mother. Picked up some Chinese food from B. F. Wang's for a little taste of the past. Where do we go from here?

"So why aren't you staying at your mom's place?" I ask, my voice cracking.

She looks like she could cheer with relief that the silence was over. If Sam cheered and whatnot. "It would feel weird." She shrugs. "You know, with her in the hospital and all." Not because I confessed my love for her there or anything.

"I'd let you stay with me, but-"

"I understand." She jumps in quickly. "This is fine. I'm comfortable with hotels."

Another couple minutes of unsure glances pass. I pull myself to my feet and take a few unsteady steps towards her.

"What are you doing?" She whispers.

I shake my head. "I don't know. But sitting over there isn't working for me."

She uses the wall to slide back up. "It's kind of ridiculous for us to sit so far apart." She shrugs.

I bob a shoulder. "I just want to touch you."

"Than you should touch me."

She tastes exactly how I remember. Her lips are soft and pouted against mine like she hadn't really been expecting me to kiss her. How could I not? The object of my affection, which kind of bordered on obsession, is there and all mine for the taking. I indulge as much as humanly possible.

I always thought I would feel guilty if I ever had the chance to be with Sam. I am married and this is technically cheating. Freddie has been really awesome, too. He did offer me a divorce, though. So maybe he wouldn't mind? I hate to say it so straight out because it feels cold as hell, but I would follow Sam to the ends of the earth, regardless of my relationship status with Freddie.

As her tongue touches mine, Freddie is completely obliterated from my thoughts. All I can think about is the way her scent fills me up and makes me feel lightheaded. All I can think about is the vibrations her taste sends to my nether regions. All I can think about is her.

She walks me backwards until my legs hit the bed and we stumble onto it in a blur of limbs and sounds. My body is on fire everywhere hers touches it. Since neither of us has been with a girl before, every move isn't just new because we are finally together, but because it really is the absolute first time. It doesn't feel sloppy, though. Every move is deliberate to hear her breathing hitch or to feel her stomach suck in sharply.

I remove her clothes as quick as humanly possible. I need to feel her body press against mine, skin to skin. I pull my mouth away from hers momentarily in order to slip her shirt over her head before dipping down to taste her neck. I kiss a path down her chest to the edge of bra and then reach under her to rid her of that pointless article of clothing too. I pause as she tugs my shirt over my head and then pulls me back down to her swollen, reddened lips.

Her hand slides down my body, unbuttoning my pants and dipping inside. I must freeze or something because she pauses to look at me.

"Is something wrong?" She asks.

I run my tongue over my lips and shake my head. But as I lower back to sample her flesh again, I can't help but feel everything is wrong.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It's dark outside when I finally slide my key into the lock on the front door. I turn it as quietly as possible and ease the door open. Nothing but silence comes back at me. With the feeling of getting away with murder coiling inside my stomach, I slip in and shut the door.

A light flickers on across the room, making me jump. I spin around to see Freddie sitting in his chair, glaring at me. It looks like a scene from a movie, like I couldn't ever possibly end up in this situation.

"Did you fuck her?" He asks vehemently.

I stare at him. "What?"

"Sam." He clarifies. "Did you fuck her?"

"What would make you think that?" My voice shakes.

He rolls his eyes. "Oh come on, Carly. How do you think I knew you weren't in love with me? Because I knew you were in love with Sam. I went to meet you guys at the airport." He hops to his feet as he yells, "You fucking kissed her!"

I rarely hear Freddie swear, so this whole situation was made even more mind-blowing.

"So?" I respond defensively. "I can't kiss a friend hello after not seeing her for months?"

"Not when you're in love with her!" He exclaims loudly at me.

I shake my head. "Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because you haven't denied it." He bulges his eyes at me like he's about to cry. "I offered to divorce you. I offered to give you happiness. And what did you do? You fucking cheated on me!"

"But, but, I came back!" I yelled back at him, my voice gaining power. "I came back because I want to be with you!"

He rolls his eyes. "Don't give me that shit. Not now. Its sad."

"Its not shit!" I all but scream at him. "I could have stayed with her. I didn't have to return. But I thought about you like the whole time I was with her. I don't want to be without you."

He stares at me. Doesn't speak, just stares.

"Please don't leave me."

He licks his lips, stepping over to me and putting his hands on my shoulders. He leans down and kisses me briefly. I kiss him back for all I'm worth. Pulling away, he grabs a suitcase sitting next to the door that I hadn't noticed before.

"I've given you everything you've ever asked me to all my life. Now, I'm going to do us both a favor. I'm going to leave you. I'm going to let you be free. You want to be with Sam? Go be with her. You want to be with me? Well, it's your turn to start proving yourself to me." He opens the door. "Bye, Carly."

I watch him go, tears streaming down my face. He shuts the door behind himself, but I yank it back open. He heads to the left to get to a main street. Heading in the opposite direction… blonde hair.

I'm running after her before I have the chance to think. I'm out of breath by the time my hands clasp her arms, my tears dry and staining my face. She spins around, crying also. But angry. So pissed off I can feel it.

Smack.

It's the first time Sam has ever hit me. I cup my cheek and stare wide-eyed at her. She's fuming still.

"You make me feel so fucking guilty, you know that?" She yells into the night. "All that 'I'm in love with you' and 'I'll end things with Freddie if you come back to me' shit. Did you mean any of it? Do you even know what love feels like?"

She grabs my hand, pressing it to her heart. It's racing. Then my fingers are tracing the salty tears running down her cheeks.

"This is love!" She exclaims. "This is what it feels like! I can't believe how fucking concerned I've been about how you feel when I'm not even sure you feel anymore!" She drops her hands to her sides, smiling sadistically at me and nodding. "You know why I was? Because I'm in love with you. Because I know what it feels like."

"Sam-"

"No. You're done talking." She snaps. "I came back for you. I came back to you because you made it sound like you would never be happy if I wasn't the one you were with. And you do this to me?"

She shakes her head. "Go to hell, Carly."

It starts raining as she walks away from me. I drop to my knees, staring after her. My head pounding as the tears start up again.

I've lost everything.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my god, Carly!"

I'm in Spencer's arms almost as soon as the door is open. I can feel his warmth stretch over me and I snuggle deeper into it as I sob.

"What happened?"

I don't even want to speak. But I have to say something. "I really fucked up, Spencer. Can I stay with you for awhile?" I hiccup.

He nods against my hair. "Of course."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So what made you do it?"

I glance at Sarah, but ultimately snuggle deeper under my bedding.

"Stop avoiding. What made you try to stop Freddie from leaving you if you wanted to be with Sam?" She asks.

I sigh and sit up to face her. "Honestly? I think its because he's been one of my best friends for life. I didn't want him out of my life, especially not like that."

"So what about Sam?"

"She hates me."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"I'm still in love with her, alright?" I smile lightly. "You know, I think I might have needed to go through all of this in order to get my feelings straight. So I could actually feel happiness with Sam without all of the guilt."

Sarah smiles wryly. "You haven't gotten out of bed in a week. That doesn't really scream happy at me."

I grin. "Yeah, but I know what I'm going to do now."

"What?"

My smile widens. "Sam went back to England a couple days ago. I'm going to go after her."

Sarah chuckles and punches my arm. "Really? Way to take charge, dude."

"I can't just give up. She's the love of my life."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it." Sarah glances around for a minute or so. "So, am I supposed to just ignore the fact you've been saying 'she' and 'her'? Or are we going to address the fact you're in love with a girl?"

I throw a pillow at her. "Does it matter what Sam's gender is?"

"I guess not. Love is love." She shrugs.

I smile, a true, genuine smile. "That's right. Love is love."