Disclaimer: We don't understand why someone would WANT to own Twilight. I mean seriously, did you actually READ the books?

About Three Things I was Absolutely Positive…

Bella

~There is this pale (really hot) guy stalking me because I 'smell' good.

~There is this hotter guy with a ponytail stalking me because the pale guy is stalking me so he has to stalk me too.

~I have to go to the bathroom!

Stephenie Meyer

~I was the coolest person in the whole, entire, super oober, goober world

~I was going to suck as much money as possible from my worshipping fans

~I was completely, oober, goobering in love with my own fictional character more than my worshipping fans were

~No one EVER told me who Mary-Sue was!

~People hate me, but I don't know why. But its okay, Edward loves me (so it's all good).

~I lost my anti-depressant pills.

Edward

~I've lived for a 100 years and somehow I haven't gotten a date.

~I DAZZLE men.

~Carlisle likes to bite teenagers. Tell me, is that not creepy?

~Bella smells good

~I'm really constipated (for the past 80 years actually), and I won't let Bella in the bathroom.

~I have awesome hair.

~I can't count

~Stephenie Meyer stalks me! HELP

Harry

~Edward reminds me of that one retarded guy I killed in a graveyard in my fourth year (but you can't prove I did because you weren't there, IT WAS MY TROPHY! MINE!).

~Stephenie Meyer was on anti-depressant pills when she dreamed up Edward.

~I stole Stephenie Meyer's anti-depressant pills!

~I don't sparkle because I am a man, not a bloody sequin.

~I drink water and would like to keep it that way, thanks.

~I have a bigger fan following! And I always will.

~I can get, and keep, a girl without sparkling.

~I can count; my awesomeness just can't be confined in only three reasons.

Hermione

~Bella is a disgrace to women everywhere. And yes, along-side with helping house elves, I am now an active feminist as well.

~Bella is immature and reminds me of Pansy Parkinson.

~If I had edited Stephenie Meyer's work (before she got it miraculously published) the brains of teenagers everywhere would not be dead or dying.

~Bella, like Cedric Diggory, doesn't have enough brains to fill an eggcup.

~And the brain that she does have is being used to figure out what her boyfriend is. He's cold, hates sunlight and is super strong. Wow, Bella. There's a mystery right there. I figured out my professor was a werewolf sooner than you, and he wasn't around me all day, breathing down my neck like your VAMPIRE is.

~I am stealing Ron's broom and running you over soon, okay? Now along with Victoria, the Volturi and everything else, you can worry about when you are going to die because of my broomstick too. If we're lucky, you'll just die of a brain hemorrhage and spare us.

J. K. Rowling

~I, at least, stuck to the classic version of monsters.

~I didn't try to melt educated minds.

~My books are just plain BETTER!

~I don't have lustful, sickening and wrong fantasies about my own fictional characters 'cause guess what Stephenie?! THEY AREN'T COMING TRUE!

~As sad as I am about your book sucking so bad, I don't mind. It gives me good publicity. You know why? Because people try to remember what a good author was like…and the think of me! So thanks Steph.

~I didn't write my books under the influence of anti-depressant pills.

Ron

~I haven't actually read the book yet; I just listened to Hermione's day long rant about it.

~Edward hasn't gotten a date in 100 years. Blimey, I got a date for the Yule Ball in a week. That's sad, mate. Even for me.

~Fred and George told me that Harry has anti-depressant pills. Found them under his pillow. I wonder why…

~I don't get the whole fuss about Edward. I'm hotter than him and Harry combined. (Runs hand through hair and does cheesy gunshot motion)

~Bloody hell, my broomstick is missing.

~BLOODY HELL! IS THAT CEDRIC DIGGORY??? ISN'T HE DEAD? I THOUGHT HARRY KIL…ER…SAW HIM DIE…