A/N - This is a really angsty fic, Janto Janto Janto. I dont know how this will turn out because I'm writing each chapter as i think of it and so i have no idea about plot yet (scary)! I decided to write this because i wanted to focus on the phsycology of a realtionship and of course i had to choose Jack and Ianto! I don't own Torchwood!

This is set after They Keep Killing Suzie but this is very AU so it probably wont mention the following episodes (which is sad coz i like series 2)!

Enjoy!

'You can't do this to me please, I can't live without you, I love you Ianto.'

Jack remembered saying those words, and how they'd been in vain, after all that he'd been through so far. He felt sad, but the rational side of him told him it was for the best. For there were things about Ianto Jones that nobody knew, and it was going to stay that way.

It had all started when Ianto had come onto Jack, over the body of their colleague. That stopwatch had come in useful, all the good memories it held, painful memories that led them here.

Although they had both wanted to, they hadn't slept together that night, they hadn't slept together at all contrary to popular opinion (mainly Owens). It had been their decision to do things properly, and somehow maintain a grip on the realities of the outside world. They had also decided not to tell the rest of the team as they had agreed that it might jeopardise the relationships within the group and teamwork was vital to their job. And they lived.

Those four months were perfect, heaven, at least they were to Jack and the sad thing was he thought that Ianto felt the same.

Jack remembered all of that, just over four months of perfection and several weeks of sadness. He looked across his desk where he was sat thinking and his eyes fell upon his diary.

No one knew that Jack kept a diary, if someone found it – they could bring about the end of the world, but those entries weren't the ones that Jack was thinking about. He opened it and began to read.

29th September

Ianto and I have got together!!! It's so amazing; this is what I've wanted for ages. He's so amazing and funny and charming and he makes me feel so alive. Oh Christ, I sound like a lovesick teenager! To think that I was too scared to ask him out! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me and it's going to last forever!

Jack struggled to hold back tears as he read the thoughts of his past self. He skipped to another page and read on.

13th October

We had our first kiss today! About time too, I kissed him a week ago but he was so shocked he didn't react so today was our first proper kiss. It was so silly, sitting in my office listening to my I pod with one wall separating us from the rest of the team. When we kissed, the most stupid song in the world was playing, I don't think Ianto remembers what it was but I managed to catch the first few bars before I got lost in the amazingness of my man. Sexy boy by WWE Anthology. Ianto said that I have a load of random crap on my I pod! Just because I have a few things on there that no one has ever heard of and I've been really good – there's no music from the future on there (not my fault they don't have mp3 files in the 51st century)!

A tear ran down Jack's cheek. He flicked past many pages this time, searching for the right one. When at last he found it, it took him several minutes before he could bring himself to look at the small book.

19th November

I think I love him. I have been thinking about it for ages (as this diary shows) and I know that I love him. We've said 'I love you' to each other before but I don't think either of us meant it, not as lovers anyway. As friends yes, I've loved him as a friend for ages, but recently I have come to realise that I Love him. Love with a capital L.

Every time I look at him I feel my heart bursting in my ribcage. It's almost as if he glows, he's so kind and selfless and funny and I feel as though he could fix the world. I would do anything for him. If one of us had to die I'd choose me every time (not surprising really as I would come back). Even if I would stay dead I would still do it because he deserves a chance to live and a chance to be happy. He makes my past seem all better, Gray, John, all the bad things that have happened and that have haunted me in my sleep don't bother me anymore. My dreams are filled of fantasies of us having a picnic on the beach or cuddling up on the sofa or finishing a proper date (damn weevils)! We still haven't slept together, on the one hand I really really want to – I'm Captain Jack Harkness for crying out loud, I deserve to be shagging someone, but on the other hand I don't want to spoil the fantasies and possibly jeopardise what we have. He's very nervous about our relationship, he has only recently realised that he is bisexual (whereas I have known for some time) and we live in a time that doesn't really understand gay relationships. He doesn't want it getting out for risk of rejection by friends and family. I still Love him though.

That was too much for Jack and he broke down into floods of tears, dropping the little book onto the hard, stone floor. 'I was so naive back then.'

Jack knew what had happened since, and it was all too much.

The diary had fallen open where it lay on the floor and through the tears Jack could make out the last entry he'd written.

06th January

This is the day that my world ended…

A/N - To be continued. Hope you liked it so far. Please review!