AU-New Moon. Bella never jumped. Or, if she did, she jumped with Jacob. She suffered through the year, but survived, Edward didn't come back, didn't try to kill himself using the Volturi, and he and his family moved on.

The second time I saw Edward, I thought he was a hallucination.

After the forest, I was sure I would never see him again. Some part of me had accepted it, the rest had decided that I should spend a good portion of high school as an emotionless zombie, prone to crying at the mere mention of love.

Jacob was good to me, as good as he could be, and I appreciated that gesture. He was sweet, but in all honesty, he was more like a brother to me. I wish I could have loved him the way he wanted me to. It would have made things easier if I did, if life had gone as planned, if everyone had been human. But it wasn't.

I finished high school, Charlie trying his best to send me to live with Renee, hoping that a change in scenery would stunt the pain. I couldn't. I wanted to say that this was because I didnt' want his leaving to change me, but in reality, I was just hoping he would come back, and that I would then be easy to find.

I hadn't expected to see him again.

College had never really been a dream of mine, but with my grades and general boredom, I was able to get into a smaller college in upstate New York. Across the country from where I would ever expect to see Edward. As far as I knew, his family frequented Washington and Alaska, but kept a low profile elsewhere.

Classes were boring and rote, I made a few friends with a casual crowd, much like my friends in Forks. I took the regular classes during the day, went home to a small apartment after working a shift at the fast food resturaunt in between my home and campus. It was when I decided to sign up for a night math class (the basketball players that I tutored for cash in English lit said they were the easiest) that things changed.

I gave my class a cursory glance, the same look I gave every class, looking for familiar faces when my eyes slid across one face in particular. Framed in signature bronze locks.

It couldn't be.

Except that his skin was pale, and he was perfect, and his body didn't seem a single detail different from when I saw him four years previously. Of course not. He would have to remain perfect as I aged, as curves formed on a once bean pole body. He would have to remain exactly the same while I stepped one day closer to death.

He saw me, our eyes connected, brown to topaz, and I suddenly felt the exact opposite of the emotion I used to feel around Edward. I wanted to run. I was scared of the confrontation, the emotions it would bring up, the fact that despite my best efforts, I was far from being over Edward Cullen.

I did just that. With a cursory excuse to the teacher, I bolted from the almost full class room, rushed home in the dark, mindless of the danger a girl alone could get into. I didnt' care. I needed to be as far away from him as possible. If he had wanted to catch me, he could've. Edward was the fastest. He didn't.

I spent the night on my bathroom floor, having thrown up everything I had eaten that day. God, I wasn't over Edward Cullen.

The third time I saw Edward Cullen, I thought it was a dream.

Becoming a high school counselor, especially after my own..unique experience in school, seemed a natural fit. Charlie was happy. It meant I could help out children, that I was in public service. Like my father. He appreciated that.

It was the first day of the semester, my second year on the job. I had gotten comfortable, gone out for a few drinks (more casual than romantic) with the 8th grade history teacher down the hall, and though the small high school on the outskirts of Portland, Oregon reminded me greatly of Forks, it was close enough that I could make a short trip to see Charlie and Renee, who had settled in Northern California now that Phil was retired. They both liked the country, and once I had sat out in the sun on their farm, I had to agree, it was a beautiful place to live.

The west coast apparently called for me.

I had just finished up with a phone call with Jacob, something that always made me smile. He and Leah had just broken up, trying to give their love/hate relationship a try, but the way he told it, it sounded more entertaining than heartbreaking. I was glad he was settling so comfortably, a slow-aging teddy bear for me to call and unload on whenever I felt bad. I would feel guilty, except he did the same thing.

The last thing I expected to see was Carlisle Cullen, young blonde and smiling at my office door, papers in hand, his "children" spread out behind him. Though I read the blatant shock on Edwards face, the others were harder to decifer. Jasper, as always, seemed kind of pained, Rosalie annoyed, but I could almost swear that Emmett and Alice looked...satisfied?

This time, it was Edward that fled, hand pushing through his remarkable hair as he stalked off down the hallway. Jasper followed in quick pursuit, and Carlisle motioned for the rest of his perfect clan to take Edwards example.

"Why Bella, when I saw the name Ms. Swan on the registration forms, I had a feeling it might be you," Carlisle smiled that enigmatic smile he had so long perfected.

"Yes, well, I typically keep a look out for so many children being enrolled into my school at once, but this one seemed to just slip under my radar," my smile, I was sure, was grotesque. I was, in this case, the crying clown.

"Quick admission, courtesy of the mayor. He was terribly excited to get such a top level doctor in town, he fast tracked the children through as quickly as possible. Favor for the new family of course," again, the smile, perfect white teeth, not a single one out of order.

"Of course," I almost gritted my teeth. Fate was bitch slapping me, forcing me into a world I didn't want to be in, forcing me to run into Edward whenever I thought I was alright. Fortunately enough, it was he this time that ran.

"Well, I suppose we'll head out now. We wouldn't want to upset your life anymore than we already have."

"I'm sure Rosalie will be upset."

"She'll adjust. Lord knows how many times we've had to move because of Emmett. The least she can do is move another time for Edward."

"Yes, well we know how much Edward wants to leave. How quickly he wants to get away from me." The venom in my voice was hard to hide, but all Carlisle did was raise one perfectly scuplted eyebrow.

"Yes, yes of course. It was very nice seeing you." He started out the door, before my words stopped him, turning around once more to see his sickeningly familiar topaz eyes.

"Just for curiousity's sake, what will be your excuse when you move this time?"

"Death in the family. Esme's mother just died in Alabama, and she's not holding together well. We all want to be together during this difficult time," he said the whole thing without affect, his face smooth as polished marvel before he turned on his heels and he soundlessly walked away. With as much poise as one could manage, I slid under her desk, clutching her knees to her chest and hoping to will away the rest of the day.

I was still not over Edward Cullen.

The fourth time I saw Edward Cullen, I was completely shocked.

I had never felt a strong urge to help people before. It sounds cruel, but its true. I was no Mother Teresa in hiding. But after five years of working as a middle/high school guidance counselor, I was ready to try something new. I was hoping that I would never see Edward again, so moving back across the country to live with my ailing father, or my mother who was now alone after Phil had died of cancer last August, was out of the question. They lived in spots where the Cullens might frequent.

No, at thirty, I was ready for an adventure.

The Peace Corps seemed like a good decision for me. With my history as a guidance counselor and my college level grasping at the Spanish language, I fit the bill for what they were looking for, teaching at a small school on the Amazon in Brazil. Perfect. Jacob called it a mid life crisis, but the boy was stuck in his early twenties. He didnt' know what was coming for him when he finally settled down and stopped phasing.

Years up north had prepared me for a break back to the warmth that I remembered from a youth in Phoenix. I missed the sun.

The first day I came back and I was sunburnt, I renegged on that idea. I hated the sun.

But the kids, the kids I loved. They would come in every day bright and early, bright white smiles that reminded me of someone else that I was now activiely choosing to forget. Dylan, my fellow teacher who spoke the local dialect, was quick to introduce me to my newest class. He was cute, in a hippie dippie-save-the-world kind of way, so I let him flirt. It wasn't worth mentioning that I was too damaged to be worth the trouble.

The other thing I hadn't been expecting was the had to naturally come in rainy season, when it got as much as nine feet of rain. 120 days of it. We had to cancel classes because of the mud, because of the river enroaching on our classroom.

My sunburn had faded, and I had talked Dylan out of taking me to see the river with our local guide. All I wanted to do was lay out and just not think, become a zombie like I had so effectively done in high school. It was interesting, one year of my youth had effectively changed the rest of my life. Everything was colored into before Edward and after Edward. BE and AE. I hated that. The Peace Corps was definitely something BE Bella would have never attempted. But AE Bella had nothing to lose, already knew that she wouldnt' get the love of her life, that he had run away with her heart before she really understood what it was she had.

So it was an understatement to say that on one of the rainiest days, when I was out on the back porch smoking, that seeing Edward was a shock.

I was in Brazil for crying out loud. One of the sunniest places on the planet. I was in a rainforest for Gods sake. Would I have to run to the Sahara to be free of him, to be free of the hurt he had caused? Why was fate conspiring against a woman who still pined for the love of her youth?

This time, neither one of us ran. I was just under the eave of the building the Peace Corps had us living in, the humidity fresh in the air, rain falling on the deck. He was emerging from the forest like Adam from Eden. Still perfect. Still flawless. I almost hated it for it, until my breath caught in my throat and I realized I was still hopelessly in love. Dammit.

He approached, water droplets running through hair that was now so dark as to be called black, across granite skin and through a thin gray t-shirt that, as my luck would have it, left nothing to the imagination. Edward was an Adonis, perfectly chiseled to be my bane, the one thing I would never truly have.

"Bella," the word was velvet on his tongue, and I let the cigarette fall to the deck, sizzling on the puddle it fell into.

"Edward."

"We keep running into each other," he was on the deck now, dangerously close. I wanted, no needed, to fight him. My instincts pulled me closer. His statement was rhetorical, I leaned against the paneling of the buidling, trying to fight what I knew I wanted to have. Him. He was so close.

"What are you doing here Edward?" Breaking my heart. Again. It felt like the poor, abused organ was being assaulted, broken into a million pieces, spread like ashes on the water.

"Hunting." Of course. The flesh and blood reminder of what Edward truly was. Of what he was capable of. I imagined him in the wilderness with Jasper and Emmett, wild and carefree, taking down a panther with strong jaws and lithe muscle. The poor things were no match for hm. I was no match for him.

I was caught up in rememberances, in barely touched memories of our brief time together when I felt his hand, cold and wet, brush across my cheek. Before I knew what I was doing, I had slapped it away.

"You don't get to come back. You don't get to say what you want to say, and then expect me to just...cave, like I haven't been through enough. I'm a woman now Edward, not some silly girl to be strung along through your twisted little vampire romance," with more strength then I knew I possessed, I pushed my way from him, rushing back into the house, closing the door behind me, knowing that if he wished, he could break through to me.

He didn't. My heart broke anew.

I was still not over Edward Cullen.

The fifth time I saw Edward Cullen, I had settled down. I was forty-five, and though a day did not pass when I did not think of him, I knew I was going to be alright. I was married to Dylan, and was now no longer Bella Swan, but Isabella Walsh. He was pleased. I was content. Jacob thought it was amazing, and every now and then visited us in Chicago where we had settled, though it was difficult to explain to Dylan how I knew a 24 year old muscular Indian. I'm sure he thought I was having an affair.

Chicago was the land that Dylan had come from, where he had been before he met me. He was affable and charming, he loved me unconditionally, he was everything Edward was not. Warm. Soft. Alive. Available. I was content with him.

Dylan worked with an eco-company, trying to save the world through plastic bottles and love. I counselled at a local homeless shelter, talking to rape victims and heroin addicts like I understood their pain. I knew addiction. I knew abandonment. I understood withdrawal. But up until I met them, I thought my pain had been absolute. I had no idea what they were going through. I was just a silly girl with a broken heart. They were the ones who needed my support.

I hadn't been expecting the call.

Charlie Swan dead. If it had been any other town but Forks, a man his age wouldn't have been still working for the police force. But they were the type of guys who rarely carried guns around on the job, who spent afternoons at the diner instead of patrolling.

I supposed, on some level, it was better that he had gone out doing what he loved, his job. Some punks tried to rob a gas station. Her father had come in. The shots had been fired before anyone knew what to do. All they knew was that Charlie Swan had protected the young cashier, a junior at Forks high school with her whole life ahead of her. He would probably think it a worthwhile exchange.

I felt broken. More so than when Edward left me. More so than when I had had my fifth miscarriage and the doctor said a woman of my age would just have to be content adopting. I felt lost.

Dylan flew in with me to Port Angeles, and we took the drive to Forks in peace. He knew I needed time to think about nothing but my father, to be absorbed in that loss before we went back to our mundane but comfortable lives. Before I got the call, I was excited. I was about to tell Charlie that he was going to be a grandfather. The adoption forms had come through. I was going to be the proud mother of a baby girl from Boston. Dylan didn't even protest when I told him I was going to name her Esme Alice.

Everyone in town came, Billy Black, the young girl from the high school (her name was Hannah,) the kind waitress from the diner, stooped from old age and waiting tables, and, in the back..the Cullens. They were inconspicious, as inconspiciuos as the Cullens could be, but I could almost feel the hackles rising on the boys from the La Push reservation at their presence. I warned Jake when I saw them, nothing was going to happen at my fathers funeral. It was too disrespectful. Jacob agreed, growling as he did so, before settling in with the boys from the reservation, looking more like pit bulls than men.

I was in the bathroom, a small one stall affair, when I was suddenly not alone.

"What are you doing here Edward?"

"Carlisle always considered Charlie a friend..." he began, cutting off abruptly.

"I know that. But. What. Are. You. Doing. Here." I wiped snot from my nose, amused at how human I looked here before him, how old I was, how he was still perfect, unmoved by time, "Today of all days."

"I'm sorry Bella, I truly am," outside of Forks, no one called me Bella. That was the name of a child. I was Isabella Walsh now. I was going to be a mother soon. I stiffened.

"I don't need this right now Edward. I'm going back to Dylan now," I made for the door, but a gentle hand stopped me, his back pressed against the cheap tile of the bathroom.

"Dylan?"

"Dylan Walsh. My husband. We've been married eight years now," I wasn't expecting his violent reaction, the rage that built up suddenly as he pressed his hand like butter into the abused door, the way he completely destroyed it with barely a touch. Then he calmed, looking sad and pulling his hand from the new divots, a perfect hand shape on the metal, reminiscient of the first time I truly knew Edward was different.

"I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting that," this made me angrier. Did he expect me to pine like a love scorned school girl? To wear white and sit in the woods, waiting for the day he came back to me, my prince charming?

"Grow up Edward. I'm going to be a mother soon. I have everything a girl like me needs. Leave me alone," I exited the bathroom quickly, dashing tears from my eyes, almost running into Jasper who I knew was radiating an unnatural aura of calm. For once, I was glad. Right now, I didn't want to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wanted to feel composed, even if all I felt like doing was falling apart.

I was still not over Edward Cullen.

The sixth time I saw Edward Cullen, I was dying.

Alice Esme was an exceptional daughter, though anyone who saw us together knew that she could never have been born to me. She was full of natural grace and vigor, completely alive with all of the things I would never be. She had fallen in and out of love in twenty years, but I knew when she brought Greg home that he was hers. He was practically wrapped around her little finger. He probably was.

My mother was gone two years after my father due to a heart attack. Dylan died in his sleep when I was 58, and I awoke to a chill body that instantly felt wrong. I cried so much at the funeral that I wasn't sure if the Cullens had shown, though the next morning there was a beautiful arrangement of flowers delivered to my door without a card or note. I let them slowly die on my kitchen table.

Alice showed up when I was 65, the night before I found out that Alice Esme was engaged. I needed her support more than I let her know. Despite Edwards apparent ban, Alice had kept in touch, the occasional post card, a dress for an event I didnt' even know I was going to attend. She had smiled that broad, all encompassing smile when she found out that I had named my daughter after her. She promised she would return when I needed her. I never had any room to doubt Alice.

Jacob had finally stopped phasing, the last of his pack to do so, and was now an incredibly distinguished stoic man, though he barely looked into his forties. He and Leah were back together, though theres was a tumultuous relationship at best, I was pretty sure he loved her. He might as well have remained a wolf for the litter of children they had in their lives. I was happy for the both of them, and whenever I could I went to visit them, the aging Isabella Walsh in a walker on a reservation in Washington. I was sure I looked out of place.

It was in February of the year I turned 72 that I knew something momentous was going to happen. Alice came, and this time she came to stay, though she tried not to let on why. Jasper came with her, a ghostly presence on the corner of my mind, always keeping a level head, always menacing the neighborhood cats with the sheer power he gave off. Ten days later, I found out I had pancreatic cancer.

I knew why Alice had come.

She smiled when I asked, a slow nod of her shortly coifed black head, her hand squeezing her husbands in support.

"I'm dying."

Mortality, the demon I had confronted so often when I was younger, the one thing that haunted me and the relationship I could never truly have, was finally coming for me. Death was on the horizon. I almost laughed, a sound that would have been haulting from my dry throat.

Alice Esme finally got to meet her name sake when she came to hear the news, holding her tiny daughter, a girl she had named Bella Jane. I hoped my own name sake would have a better stock in life than I did. All I had to show for 72 years of life was a daughter and a legacy of never quite living up to my own standards. I was angry with myself.

And then he came. He was so young. I didn't bother to explain to my daughter how I knew all of these enigmatic people who hovered over my death bed like the Grim Reaper, in the periphery, in the wings waiting.

He took my hand, and I noticed that it wasn't as cold as I remembered.

"Edward," my own voice cracked as I looked at him, unblemished, perfect, the only sign of his age his eyes that now held the breadth of his own soul, the anguish he was going through as I lay dying. The pain, the pain I had been so warned about, was minimal. Jaspers power, a soothing calm, a detached apathy to the physical form, it was his final gift. I had never given him enough credit, always somehow blamed him for the seperation Edward had forced between us, but now I loved him like a brother. He had always been good to me.

"I lied," his voice broke my heart anew.

"What?"

"I lied. I always loved you. You were more than a distraction. I should've never...." he broke, his fingers gently circling around the protruding bone at the base of my thumb. "I was doing it for you. I did it all for you. Everything. I just wanted you to be....happy."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because, I needed you to know, because I've screwed this up so much, because, because even now, watchng you leave me forever, I'm still more in love with you than I can put into words. If I could tear out my own still beating heart and give it to you so that you may live, I would."

"I don't want it, Edward. I don't want it anymore," I tossed my head, trying to clear the murkiness. It felt like I was drowning in myself, "I lived my life, Edward."

I lied to him. I told him everything I wanted for him to hear. I had done everything I had wanted to do. I had gone on grand adventures, I had helped the poor, I had been a mother. I didn't tell him I would've given almost all of it up so that I could be with him, so that I could have one more day waking up and going to sleep with him wrapped around me. I would've given up everything but Alice Esme. For her I would've braved losing Edward all over again, if just to raise her. She was my everything.

I loved Edward, I would always love Edward, but in the end...it wasn't meant to be.

"Bella?" He watched me closely, probably hearing as my heart beat slower, probably seeing that my breaths were slowing down.

"Edward," my voice was so low I could barely hear it, but I was sure he could, "Edward, I forgive you."

Read and Review