Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass. If I did, there'd be more crack than actual plot. (Not that that isn't true to an extent already...) Used without permission, not for profit, etc.

Written for the Black King and Black Queen forums, although it's not nearly as fluffy as I would've liked. Or fluffy at all; sorry, but I'm in no mood to write fluff today. Oh well; hopefully it's enjoyable regardless.

The Fine Art of Panicking
by misaoshiru

By now, one would think that he'd have gotten used to seeing spiders. While the cleaning crews back at Aries Imperial Villa naturally did their utmost to keep the palace free of cobwebs, it was a large building with plenty of high demand real estate for spindly arachnids of various sizes and demeanors. And naturally, the gardens were open to their intrusion year round, and it was even welcomed in the interest of removing the insects that thought Queen Marianne's roses were a delightful mid-afternoon snack, no doubt over dewdrop tea and begonia crumpets. If nothing else, staying at Kururugi Shrine should've cured Lelouch of his arachnophobia within days, given how infested it was with the damned things. It had amused Suzaku to no end the first time he walked in on Nunnally smashing furniture and other assorted sundries in an attempt to save the prince from the beastlings trying to assassinate him. And the second time. And the third. From the fifth time onward, it crossed the line into completely unjustified, from Lelouch's unbiased perspective.

But no. Spiders terrified Lelouch, and he happened to have the misfortune of stumbling upon one while in full Zero regalia. During a meeting with Sumeragi Kaguya, a young woman who held immense power in the Kyoto group. At least his men weren't there; if they saw him squeal over a (rather large, in his again unbiased opinion) spider unassumingly staring up at him from its lovely little parlor in one of the many little nooks and crannies of the Black Knights' HQ, he would surely die of embarrassment. As it was...

He contemplated Geassing the girl to forget, but she might be more useful to him later. Anyway, there were more important matters to attend to.

"Kaguya-sama," he said in what he thought was an amazingly calm voice given the circumstances, "if you would please get rid of this spider for me...now?"

It was true she had seen quite a number of strange sights in her young life, but if there was one thing Sumeragi Kaguya could honestly say she never expected she'd see, it was the esteemed Zero screaming like a girl. Over a harmless little daddy longlegs, no less! She was sorely tempted to laugh, but with an effort that in her (naturally unbiased) opinion would give even the gods pause, she managed to restrain herself.

...though even that level of effort was tested when he half-squeaked out a request to save him from the evils of Mr. Eight Eyes.

Having said that, she liked to think she was not a cruel wife, so she humored him. This time. "Kallen-san, would you please come in here and neutralize a threat against my dearest husband?"

True to form, Kallen immediately half-broke down the door. "Zero, what is--"

Kaguya gestured to the corner. Kallen blinked, then blinked again.

"You're shitting me."

Kaguya simply mouthed the words "Play along." Kallen looked more bemused than ever, but she shrugged, stomped on the dangerous foe with a twist of her heel, and walked back toward the door.

Zero adjusted his cape self-consciously. "Yes, er, thank you, Kallen. I will have to ask that neither of you breathes a word of this to anyone else, of course. Standard procedure."

Oh yes. Standard procedure. Kaguya grinned.

A little over a year passed, and Lelouch thought he'd heard the end of it. (Which was justifiable; he himself hadn't thought about it for a whole year of that. Mind, that was because he hadn't had any memories of it at the time, but...) He should've known something was up, however, when Kallen came up to him looking for all the world like she'd just singlehandedly freed Japan, aced a midterm, found a cure for her mother's Refrain abuse symptoms, and taught Suzaku a lesson in how to eat hot radiation wave, all with time left over for afternoon tea.

"What's with that sour look, Le~lou~ch? Has Britannia taught spiders how to pilot knightmare frames?"

"Q-1, kindly shut up."

"I'd be terrified."

"I'll have you know they can be poisonous. Moreover, some spiders' toxins can kill a grown--"

"Is that a black widow over there?"

Lelouch was proud to admit that he didn't turn and look immediately. He managed to wait a whole second and a half.

God help him if C.C. ever heard about this. He'd never get a moment of quiet again.