This is a parody. So before anyone wanks at me for being so horrible as to post this in the Twilight section, settle the fuck down and keep in mind the internet has a back button.  So anyways!

Abridged Twilight : Brunch

Disclaimer: original by Stephanie Meyer. and thousands of prepubescent girls.

One day Bella Swan, the very special and unique-like-a-snowflake main character, decided to jaywalk. She flaunted her sparkly self all across the street and along the way accumulated a small harem even though she wasn't pretty at all. She was like, plain and stuff. Suddenly, Bella remembered that everybody in her town of Forks sucked and no one knew how to drive! :O An evil van came careening at her from virtually nowhere! Bella screamed and threw up her hands, because it's more romantic when the female is silly and helpless. Never mind getting out of the way, that was for guys. She tried frantically to remember those completely random self-defense classes she had taken. Wasn't she supposed to shove its nose into its brain or something? Yeah. She clenched her fists, face taking on a determined look. (Because clearly this demonstrates her as a brave and likeable character even though it doesn't make sense!)

But all of a sudden, the most glorious creature she had ever seen appeared before her! He threw pieces of sunlight sluicing through the air, crippling several old ladies. His glistening, bronze hair, dripping with grease, reflected rainbow-colored shimmers across his utterly perfect, smoothly chiseled face. His marbaline chest, carved with the utmost detail, stood bare, limestone abs rippling under granite-hard skin that blended perfectly into his obsidian nipples, peppered with ruby-red hairs.

Bella was quite dazzled.

He crushed the vehicle like a soda can, killing everyone inside. But that was okay, because Bella was the main character, and everyone who wasn't the main character or a vampire was worthless and disposable.

He looked at her very seriously. Edward always looked serious. 'cuz everyone wants a boyfriend that's either killing people for you or brooding. "Bella, I love you. Most ardently."

Bella stared at his marble lips, which parted like the two most glorious orange slices in the universe. This was so romantic. "I love you too Edward. Despite having just met you, I'd like to throw away my life and spend the rest of my existence with you. Which isn't strange or unhealthy at all."

"Oh, I already know. I've been stalking you for the past week. Did you know you talk in your sleep?" he asked pleasantly. "And if you don't think that's creepy, wait 'till you figure out I'm hitting on someone two or three centuries younger than me. Society says it's okay because I'm sexy."

Truly, this was true love. This was pivotal, fabulous, a love to out-love all loves. "This is better than Romeo and Juliet! I would know because reading Shakespearian plays makes me deep." Bella then tripped over a ladybug. "Tee-hee, I'm so clumsy!"

"Oh Bella, your clumsiness makes you so realistic," Edward sighed. "Give papa a hug!"

They embraced. Suddenly, Edward shoved her violently away, causing her to break three ribs and rupture her spleen. "Stop talking to me." He glared at her. "I'm dangerous."

Bella rubbed her arm. "But that just makes it more romantic!" she protested.

He dropped to his knees and threw his arms around her, expression melting. Like, it was getting on the ground and stuff. He's a vampire, guys! "I'm such a monster. But I love you so much!"

"Kiss me, Edward."

He leaned slowly forward, inhaling her flowery scent that didn't make sense since she spent her days moping in her room about how much her life sucked and never went outside where the flowers were, and then promptly ate her. He blinked, looking down at himself.

"Oops."

He shrugged and trotted home.