Episode #012
A Gem, A Monkey, A Fat Lady
Cloud, Tifa, Barret and Reeve are in the living room of the Costa de Sol villa, watching the news.
TV: ...experts say that the ozone layer won't hold out at this rate, and in a few years, the global temperature could go up by several degrees. Although it'll be easier and more practical to have barbecues, the increase in temperature could contribute to a potent crispification of human skin, leading to several skin-related diseases...
Reeve: Crispification. (grabs a nearby dictionary) I bet you a million gil that word doesn't exist.
Cloud: What is... ozone layer?
Tifa: Beats me.
Barret: (beats Tifa)
Tifa: Ow!! Barret, I didn't mean it literally!
Barret: Oh sorry.
Tifa: (busted ribs and broken arm) No problem...
Cloud: Wait a minute... This seems strangely familiar...
Barret: What's that, foo'?
Cloud: I'm just having a bit of déjà vu.
Barret: Of what?
Cloud: I can't quite put my finger on it... I think I said something like, every time we get together in the living room something happens, and we go out on a mission, or something... And then...
Suddenly, a large blue portal thingy opens up over the living room table. Two small forms, and one huge form falls out of it, all crashing through and breaking the living room table.
Cloud: I remember now! It was that time when Serge and Kid came over!
Baret: ...
Tifa: Jeez, I've lost count of how many times our living room table has been broken.
The three forms on the ground stir. The first one to stand up is a weird man with a tail. Then a young girl, and finally, a huge hulking mass of a woman.
Monkey Man: Where are we?
Cloud: You're in... um... uh...
Reeve: Costa de Sol.
Cloud: Yeah, that's it!
Monkey Man: Don't recognize the name...
Young Girl: I told you going through that weird blue vortex wasn't a good idea...
Cloud: My name's Cloud. (pointing to the others) That's Barret, Tifa, and Reeve. So, who are you guys?
Monkey Man: I'm Zidane.
Big Fat Lady: My name is Brahne. (points to the young woman) And this is my daughter, Garnet.
Garnet: But you can call me Dagger if you like.
Cloud: Would you guys like anything to drink? How about you, Sword?
Garnet: It's Dagger. And no, thank you.
Cloud: How about something to eat, then, Claymore?
Garnet: The name's Dagger! And no, I'm not hungry.
Cloud: How about a drink then, Excalibur?
Garnet: It's DAGGER!!
Tifa: Cloud, you offered her a drink two times.
Cloud: Oh, my bad.
Garnet: Okay, forget Dagger. Just call me Garnet, then.
Cloud: Okay, Sapphire. Would you like something to eat, then, Emerald?
Reeve: (examines Zidane's tail) Is this real? (tugs it)
Zidane: (jumps) Whoa, hey, watch it!
Reeve: One more time! (tugs it again)
Zidane: Stop that!
Zidane: (whispering to Dagger) Let's get out of here. These people are crazy.
Brahne suddenly gets bug-eyed and her arms reach out to her sides as if to grab on to something.
Brahne: Snack... time!! (sits down on the couch, staring off into space in a trance-like state) Need... SNACK!!
Zidane: Oh no, not now.
Barret: The hell's wrong with her?!
Zidane: She gets like this from time to time. We need to feed her some snacks.
Barret: We ain't got snacks right now, I don't think. We're all out 'cause someone (smacks Cloud) ate them all.
Cloud: (innocently) What? Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
Garnet: Can't we just take her and go home?
Zidane: The portal is all the way up there. We'd have to jump, and I don't think anyone here can lift this big fat tub of lard.
Garnet: Hey, this is my mom you're taking about!
Reeve: Are you guys married or something?
Zidane: (rolling eyes) No, but you'd think so, wouldn't you.
Garnet: What's that supposed to mean?
Tifa: Um, guys? (points at Brahne)
They all look at Brahne, who is biting one of the cushions.
Brahne: (mouth full of cushion) MUSHT… HAFE… SHNACK!!
Reeve: I think we need to hurry up and get her something.
Just then, Aeris comes in from outside.
Aeris: Hey guys!
Barret: Aeris! Where you been, you foo'?
Aeris: I just went down to some stores to pick up snacks. Why?
Reeve: Alright! Saves us the trip!
Aeris: Huh?
Reeve: Oh, Aeris, this is Zidane, that's Garnet, and that's Brahne, Garnet's mom.
Zidane: Garnet's fat mother--
Garnet: Shut up!
Zidane: --went into "snack mode" again. We need to give her snacks for her to snap out of it. Then we can get back into the portal and return to our own world.
Aeris: Oh.
Zidane: So uh, give us some.
Aeris: Actually, they didn't have any at the store. They were all out.
Reeve: What?!
Aeris: Yeah. I tried several stores, in fact, and they were all out. (shrugs) Seems like someone ate all of Costa de Sol's snacks.
Barret: CLOUD?!
Cloud: What?! They were good!
Zidane: Aw, what are we gonna do now?
Aeris: I got some broccoli, though! Will that work?
Zidane: Are you kidding? If we feed her broccoli she'll go berserk and kill us all.
Cloud: Wait, guys, we can use Red's jetpack!
Tifa: Jetpack?
Cloud: Yeah? Remember? He made it around Christmas time, I think, and gave it to us because he thought it was too dangerous. (goes into his room) EURIKA!!
Barret: Eurika, he says...
Cloud: (comes back out into the living room, holding up the jetpack above him) I HAVE THE POWE... er, JETPACK!!
Barret: Hand this over heay, foo'! (takes jetpack)
Barret goes to put the jetpack onto Brahne, but she snarls at him, making him jump back in surprise.
Barret: Um, yeah, she don't bite, do she?
Zidane: Sometimes.
Barret: You try. (hands jetpack to Tifa)
Tifa: Nuh-uh. (hands to Reeve)
Reeve: No way. (hands to Cloud)
Cloud: Mmkay. (tries to strap the jetpack on Brahne, who promptly grabs him and eats him whole)
Barret: Holy crap!
Tifa: Cloud!!
Reeve: And she ate the jetpack, too. Now what?
Zidane: Well... I guess someone has to go in and retrieve it.
They all look around at each other.
Zidane: Um, Garnet, since you're her daughter, maybe you'll have more success than us.
Garnet: No, I think I'll just be going and--
Tifa: Please, Garnet! (kneels at her feet) Please save Cloud! (tears welling up)
Barret: (whispering) Oh come on, he won't be missed that much.
Garnet: But...
Tifa: (hugs Garnet's ankles) PLEASE!!
Garnet: Ok ok! You're hurting my ankles!
Aeris: (mouth full of broccoli) Jusht for the record... (swallows) I would have pleaded for Cloud's safety too, but um... (stuffs more in mouth) I'm hungry...
Garnet slowly approached her mom, who is still munching on the cushions.
Garnet: Um... mom? I just wanted to know if, by any chance, you could return Cloud and--
Brahne suddenly grabs her and swallows her whole.
Zidane: Well, there she goes.
Reeve: I guess monsters like that are the reason people turn to yaoi.
Barret: You would know.
Reeve: Shut up!
(inside the large woman...)
Garnet: Ack! (tumbles down her mom's throat, finally landing on a soft, squishy surface and blacking out)
(several hours later)
Garnet: (comes to and looks around) Where am I? My mom's stomach? How long have I been asleep?
I just said several hours.
Garnet: Oh.
Garnet examines the ground, and sees a half-eaten cupcake with vanilla icing.
Garnet: Hey, that looks familiar...
She also spots, not too far away, a birthday cake with the words 'Happy Birthday' in pink icing written on it.
Garnet: Hey, that's my birthday cake! And she said the cooks had lost it!
Garnet stands up and looks around, noticing a line of colorful decorated stands lining up the area.
Garnet: What the? Looks like a fair.
She heads to the stands. She sees several kinds; there are ones selling earrings, pens, shirts, drinks, and many more.
Garnet: There's a fair inside my mom's stomach.
??1: That one is also nice.
??2: Like better, this one, I do.
Garnet: Huh? Is that...?
She turns around and sees Zorn and Thorn looking at a hat stand.
Garnet: Zorn and Thorn!
Zorn: Is that Garnet?
Thorn: Garnet, is that?
Garnet: What are you guys doing here?
Zorn: Well, Her Majesty sort of got mad us...
Thorn: Swallow us whole, she did.
Garnet: And what's up with all of this? (gestures to the stands around her)
Zorn: Well, the people that the Queen swallowed over time decided to make this little fair, you know, to pass time and make some money.
Thorn: Zorn, look! Over there, shirts with the words 'Brahne's Stomach, Alexandria? Been There' written on them, there are!
Zorn: (gasp) We must get those! Excellent souvenirs!
Garnet: Wait! Have you two seen a spiky-haired blond fellow come through here?
Thorn: Fellow blond haired-spiky... hmm...
Zorn: Oh yes, he's two blocks over, causing quite a ruckus.
Thorn: Correct, that is! Knocking over stands with his hair, he is.
Zorn: Seems like he's in need of a good haircut.
Garnet: Ok, thanks.
She runs two blocks over to see a block filled with stands wrecked and some even on fire. There are people running all over screaming hysterically, and Cloud stands in the middle with the jetpack on, looking confused.
Garnet: Cloud!
Cloud: Oh, hey Topaz.
Garnet: Cloud, what in the world did you do to those stands?
Cloud: Nothing! I just touched one with my hair and they suddenly started spontaneously combusting.
Garnet: ...
Cloud: Really!
Garnet: Well, anyway, look, we need to get out of here. We've got to get back to our world. And the only way to do that is with the jetpack.
Cloud: How?
Garnet: We need to get out by flying back out through the mouth with the jetpack.
Cloud: Oh yeah, there's that way to get out of here, too. (sighs in relief) But... this thing is only built to fit one person.
They look at each other.
Cloud: You take it, Garnet.
Garnet: No, I couldn't do that...
Cloud: Okay then!! (turns switch on and starts flying towards the mouth)
Garnet: Hey!! That's not what you're supposed to say!
Cloud: What? I can't hear you! The jet's too loud!
(back outside)
Barret: They sure are taking they time, those foo's...
Just then, Cloud comes flying out of Brahne's mouth. However, he doesn't stop, and crashes head first into the ceiling, falling to the ground afterwards. This effectively wakes up everyone that was sleeping from waiting so long.
Cloud: Ouchies.
Tifa: Cloud!! (hugs him)
Zidane: Hey, you got the jetpack.
Reeve: Yeah, but how are we going to put it on? We still don't have any snacks!
Aeris: (mouth full) Brocori anyone?
Reeve: You're still eating those? You sure bought a lot, geez...
Cloud sits up on the ground, taking off the jetpack.
Cloud: So, now what?
Brahne, after having finished her second cushion, removes the third, and to everyone's surprise, there is a half-eaten potato chip under it.
Cloud: Hey! I was wondering where that thing went!
Brahne: SNACK!! (grabs the potato chip and swallows it) (eyes slowly return to normal) Phew, that's better.
Zidane: She's back to normal.
Tifa: Phew.
Zidane: Well, I guess it's time to leave. Thanks for the help guys, as useless as might have been.
Barret: No problem, foo'.
Everyone Else: You're welcome.
Zidane: Well, let's go Brahne. We need to be getting back.
Brahne: Yeah, it's almost dinner time.
The two jump up to the blue portal thingy and disappear, along with the portal.
Tifa: Well, that sure was strange.
Cloud: I guess we didn't need the jetpack after all.
Reeve: Wait a minute, wasn't there three of them?
Barret: Yeah. Cloud, what happened to Garnet?
Cloud: Oh, she stayed in her mom's stomach.
Tifa: She did? But, if you took the jetpack then...
Reeve: ...how is she going to get out?
Cloud: Well... You don't want to know.
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