A/N - This is a really really random thing I wrote late one night and I have no idea why. My sister thought it was funny though so I decided to post it.

All the italic text is Jacks thoughts and all the normal text is speech. You'll get the hang of it.

Don't expect it to make any sence and as always I don't own Torchwood (probably a good thing if this fic is anything to go by lol)

Please review. Enjoy!

'Iantooooo can you come here please?'

Ah there he is, coming closer. Come faster sexy Welshman… oh… I should remember that line for later… hehe.

'Yes sir?'

Who's that? Of course, its Ianto, only Ianto calls me sir, but only when we're alone… strange… he must know it drives me crazy. Last time he called me sir we ended up having a quickie in the archives, gave Tosh quite a fright. I say quickie, it really wasn't, we were gone for over two hours. Well even that didn't beat our current record… that was…

'Sir?'

Damn Ianto interrupting my fantasies, although, I can't be mad at him… he's wearing that suit… look at his lips ahhhh cuteness. He's looking at me strangely… do I have something on my face? Oh yes he came in for something.

'Yes Ianto, can I help you with something?'

'I was about to ask you the same question, given that you called me in here.'

Did I? what did I want… Oh yes… keys.

'Yes Ianto, I've… er… lost my set of the keys to Owens flat.'

'Really? Why do you want the keys to Owens flat?'

'I need to get in there – without making any noise.'

Ahhhh Ianto looks so cute when he's jealous. Hang on… Why is he jealous? OH GOD – he thinks I want to sleep with Owen… Okay, just calmly explain that you don't want to sleep with Owen you only want to borrow something from his flat.

'He smells like cheese!'

What the hell was that? You've probably made things a whole lot worse you prick.

'What? Who smells like cheese?'

'Owen. Oh and don't think I have anything against cheese Ianto, or indeed cheese smell. I love cheese smell, in fact, I once rented a flat over a cheese shop just to soak up all the lovely cheese smell but it doesn't mean I want to shag the cheese'

Well done.

'Okay Jack, I can see you're in a funny mood so from now on just nod or shake your head. Can you do that?'

Patronising sex-on-legs. Oh yeah… nod.

'Good, so you want me to help you break into Owens flat?'

Nod… I wonder if Ianto's any good at modelling? Maybe if I brought out a range of underwear Ianto would model it for me? I should ask him sometime…

'And you don't want to make any noise?'

Nod again… I hate not talking… my mind wanders all over the place and that's generally not good. I remember drifting off during a UNIT conference and accidentally announcing that Napoleon came through the rift last week but we had it under control and to keep him happy we gave an army of weevils some ships for him to command in the bay. It was so funny when they found out that I made it up and was thinking of writing a musical based on the idea.

'And there's no alien tech to help you?'

'Well that's why I asked you Ianto – you know the archives as well as I know 'The Weevil Fleets Are Coming'!'

There goes Iantos stupid nod idea. Oh well.

'Right… so… Just tell me what you're going to do – you usually have a plan don't you?'

Ooooh goody, I love bragging about my plans and to be honest this one's a good one.

'Right. I travel to Owens flat, break in through the window without making any noise, because I can't find the door keys, get my book back and pull the whole thing off as an elaborate burglary!'

Look at him, he's stunned by my awesomeness, that's right, marvel at my plan making power, my charm, my style, my…

'Couldn't you just ask him to give you the book back?'

'No no, he doesn't know that it's my book. He thinks it's someone elses.'

'Jack… what's the title of this book?'

Damn now I'll have to tell him… you're going red. STOP going red… STOP BLUSHING!

'Jack?'

Mumble – it's the last hope.

'Being with a man, guide book for gays.'

No – you said it too loud. Oh look, he's laughing at me. Why is it that the people you care about laugh? Surely its much more logical for them to laugh with you or maybe cry so you can run over and comfort them and end up having hot sex all night. Hang on though, he can't think I'm embarrassed, that would ruin my reputation completely. Which emotions can I use to fix this situation? Happy? Sad? Angry? Hysterical? Masterful? Yes masterful and in control. Right, am in complete control.

'Now look here Ianto, stop acting up and being rude and making an awful racket while you're at it.'

He looks stunned. Oh no, I didn't want to upset him. Tell him you didn't mean it.

'Yan…'

Hang on, then he'll think I'm weak and he'll dump me and die in some freak toilet accident. I cant kill him. Warn him.

'THE TOILETS ARE COMING!'

That should do it.

'Okay Jack, I'm going to leave now. Just one thing… the medical bay is over there, feel free to stop by.'

A/N - If you're still alive at the end of that, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Please review and tell me if it was any good! Happy new year (bit late sorry)!!!