25 Things to do at WalMart:Cullen Style
By star-girl62626
Written for vampireSPEED and twilight-is-lovee's "25 things to do at WalMart" contest. (Thanks so much 4 answering my question vampireSPEED! By the way, this is 7689 words long, without the A/N)
A/N: OME! This was so hard to write(even if it's humor) because I procrastinated a lot! I wrote this it was the holidays and I needed something to do, so I started writing for fun and decided to join the competition because I'd gotten up to 5000+ words, which is unbelievable. I searched long and hard for the things the Cullens should do and decided to come up with my own(a few only). And heads up: nubers 10 and 21 were written last minute. I know this is long, but knowing that I can make you laugh is the best feeling in the world, so review, please?
Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight(which I don't), New Moon would not've been published yet, because I procratinated. I also don't own WalMart or any other supermarket. Neither do I own the list(kudos to the peeps who made up the list) except for the ones I made up myself. I own my wacky sense of humor and I also own Starlight Giraffella.
This story goes out to my bf on Fanfiction, Capella85. It's also dedicated to allmy BFFs who laughed at (almost) all of my jokes.
Emmett stared at the computer screen in front of him, dazed. "Genius!" he muttered.
He pondered over the idea for a while, then yelled for his family. "Rose, Eddie, Alice, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle!" In a flash, 6 vampires were standing in front of him, either confused or irritated. "Don't call me Eddie!"
"Soorry!" he apologized, clearly not sorry at all. "My dear family, you must be wondering why I hollered for you. Well, I just figured out what we're gonna do tomorrow. It's gonna be hilarious, right Alice?"
"Yes," Alice agreed,a smile playing on her lips. "He wants us to do some things at Walmart." Rosalie rolled her eyes, "Walmart... they don't even sell walls there." Emmett's booming laugh reverberated around the house, while the others stiffled a laugh.
"Emmett, I know what you're thinking, no way we're going to go to humiliate ourselves infront of a supermarket full of humans." "C'mon bro! Lighten up!Have some fun for a change! I mean, this is like the most classic of pranks and we haven't even done it yet. What's the whole point of immortality?" "Esme..." Edward tried. "He's right! Lets just have a little fun..." Esme reasoned. Esme is the only one that can change Eddie's mind. Emmett thought. He's a mama's boy after all... "I heard that!" Edward snapped. "And before you even think about it, no way Bella's gonna come with us." "Too late," Alice muttered. "Hey, I haven't even thought about that!" Emmett exclaimed. "Great idea! What do you say, deal?" He got 4 nods as a reply. Rosalie wasn't too happy about it.
~*~
And so, the Cullens(with Bella, of course) picked 25 funny and amusing things to do at Wally's World out of the thousands they found, spent the rest of the day doing a bit of rehearsing and a little bit of arguing. Before Bella went back home with Edward, the family was convinced that they were prepared to take on WalMart.
But the real question was whether WalMart is ready for them.
~*~
(the next day)
"Family, prepare yourself for the BEST DAY EVER!" Emmett declared.
~*~
A couple stands at the entrance and greet everyone as 'Bob' or 'Jude' and thank them for attending their wedding.
Emmett and Rosalie
A normal,unsuspecting guy walked through the automatic doors of Walmart and was greeted by Emmett with Rosalie by his side, clad in a traditional wedding gown. "Hey Bob!" he said with enthusiasm, shoving his hand into the victim's hand and shaking it fiercely. "Thanks for coming to my wedding! My wife over here thought you won't show up!" Bewildered, the man backed away slowly and darted back into his car.
The Cullen family(with Bella) stood a good distance away, chuckling.
"One down, four to go." Rosalie whispered to Emmett. He just grinned.
~*~
Next, a woman with her little son walked through the doors. This time Rosalie greeted the 'guest'. "Hi Jude! Haven't seen you in a long time! Thank for coming to my wedding!" The woman stared at Rosalie with wide eyes. Who is this girl? I should call somebody... "Hey kiddo!" Emmett greeted the five-year-old with a wide grin. "Let's go Joey!" The woman yanked on his hand and they walked off.
"Mommy, did you and Daddy have your wedding at Walmart too?"
~*~
A group of teenage boys were targeted as the next victims. "Hey boob- I mean Bob!" Emmett welcomed. I see you brought along Bob, and Bob, and Bob, and Bob, and Bob. 'Sok if you brought along an extra Bob, I mean the more the merrier, right?" "Thanks for coming to our wedding you guys!" Rosalie added before they walked away, clueless.
"Too bad that chick was getting married, he's hot!"
"I know! Who's Bob anyway?"
~*~
Even Alice didn't see it coming when Mike Newton was the next one to walk through the door.
"Cullen? What are you doing wearing a tux here?"
"Didn't you hear, Bob? Rosalie and I are getting married." Emmett sighed dreamily while putting an arm around Rosalie's waist.
"What the heck?"
"Hey dude, I know we don't talk to you in school much, but I feel like I know you very well, Bob. Thanks a lot for coming to our wedding, it means a lot to Rose and me."
Mike,looking freaked out, and continued walking. "Weirdos."
The rest of the family were laughing out loud even before Mike opened his mouth. But Bella was laughing the hardest and a few tears of laughter escaped the corner of her eye.
~*~
Finally, a couple walked hand-in-hand into the store.
"Hey Bob! You still goin' out with Jude?" Emmett greeted. Rosalie added, "Remember to sign the guest book!"
The young man looked over his shoulder at the vampire couple grinning and waving as he and his girlfriend walked away.
~*~
2. While a man is at the cashier, use vampire speed to put 10 boxes of tampons on the counter.
Edward
Coach Clapp, with all his manly-ness and coach-ness was standing in line, wait to pay for his stuff so he can go work out or something.
When his turn came, he started to put the items in his cart onto the counter. The cashier did her job while she chewed obnoxiously on a piece of gum.
Edward, with an armful of boxes darted past them while he placed the boxes of tampons on the counter. No one noticed.
The woman looked questioningly at Coach Clapp.
Coach Clapp finally realised why the cashier was looking at him funny. He so did not put ten boxes of tampons in his cart.
"I...er...erm..." he stuttered. Coach Clapp never stutters. Think, think, think! he thought to himself. She might think you're weird. Or maybe- gasp! Even unmanly! Gotta protect my manly-ness... "I...er...have nosebleeds often. These... things... help...a lot. You should try it sometime."
The woman just gaped rudely at Coach Clapp. "Whatever."
He exited the store quickly after paying. At least I saved my manly-ness. Now what to do with those vile things... Maybe I could give it to sis for her birthday next month... she uses them right? Or maybe I could give it out to kids on Halloween...
~*~
3. Have a questionable fashion sense.
Jasper
Jasper wore a plastic crown on his head and had on fairy wings. Armed with a wand, he skipped around WalMart looking for the perfect accessories and matching shoes. He stopped at the women's department to put on some red heels that were too small for his feet and twirled to a stop when he found a very pretty pink, furry handbag. He squealed when he saw a hockey stick and taped the wand to the end of the hockey stick(with duct tape he brought) to make a hockey wand. He found a hot pink boa and slung it around his neck. He put on the sample lipstick which made him look like a clown and tucked a watermelon under his arm.
He swaggered to the cashier and laid on the counter. "I don't want to take off my preeetty outfit. But the lipstick I used was a sample, so you don't need to charge me for that ." he claimed.
The cashier tried to be polite and wanted to scan the crown by taking it off his head.
"No!" he cried, slapping her wrist.
"I'm sorry, sir. But I need to scan your crown."
"That's not a crown! That's a fairy princess of unicorns and a magical kingdom and toys and doorknobs tiara! Psssh! Amateur!"
~*~
4. Take off your shoes(that you didn't buy from WalMart) and tell an employee you want to return it. When the employee says you didn't buy it there, throw a fit.
Alice and Jasper
"What do you mean I can't return these shoes?" Alice demanded, fuming.
"I'm sorry, miss," apologized the employee. "But apparently, you didn't buy your shoes here at WalMart so you can't-"
"So what?"
"B-but..."
"The customer is always right, dammit!"
"I'm sorry, miss," the employee tried to take control of the situation. "Since you didn't buy the shoes from WalMart, you can't return them at WalMart. Maybe you remember where you bought them-"
"What happened to the customer is always right policy?" shrieked Alice with all her pixie rage.
"It's not actually a policy-"
"I'm calling my lawer." she whipped out her cellphone and started to dial.
Uh oh. Four words an employee doesn't want to hear. "Please, miss. This is just a misunderstanding..."
Just then Jasper in a very official looking suit stood inbetween Alice and the employee. "I'm her lawyer. My job is to sort our any misunderstandings. How may I help you?"
His 'client' proceeded to explain the situation. "I mean the customer is always right, right?"
"Yes," nodded Jasper sympathetically. "My client is quite right. Here is a WalMart employee's manual. If you were to flip to the 541th page," he took out a very thick book from his briefcase. "You would see that it clearly states your policy, the customer is always right."
"But it doesn't apply if the customer is unreasonable..."
"WHAT?!!?" Alice screamed. "I'm unreasonable?" She reached up to grab hold of the man's neck and pretended to choke him(not with vampire strength of course, he would already be dead).
Jasper stood solemly at one side, expressionless. He didn't even attempt to pull his 'client' and the employee apart.
"What is going on here?" a furious manager demanded. Alice's hands flew away from the employee's neck as he greeted, "Sir..."
"Would somebody care to explain why one of our valued customer is strangling my employee?" Alice did the explaining.
"Is see, I see." The manager nodded his head slowly, stroking his mustach. "You see, miss..." "Cullen." "Miss Cullen, you did not buy your shoes here at WalMart, correct?" "Yes." "So you can't return the shoes here." "Oh... I see."
What? That was exactly what I said! The employee thought in disbelieve.
"Carl." "Yessir?" "Apologise to Miss Cullen."
"Sorry, Miss Cullen." he aplologised, exasperated.
~*~
5. Act like you've never seen an automatic door before.
Emmett
Emmett walked through the automatic doors into WalMart.
"Ooooh!" He retraced his steps and walked through the doors again.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Magic!" He walked backwards and entered through the 'magic' doors again and again.
One of the employees stared at him, finding a grown man intrigued with a common automatic door humorous.
Emmett stood outside the store and waited for the doors to close. He stuck his hand out and the sensors sensed it and the doors opened. He giggled. Yes, Emmet giggled.
He put his arm back to his side and the doors closed. He began to sing loudly, so loud that the employee inside could hear.
"You put your right hand in," he stuck out his left arm and the doors opened. "You put your left hand out," he stuck out his right hand. "You put your hands all out and you shake 'em all about. "You do the automatic door and turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!" His hands were back by his side.
"Second verse, ok!" he yelled. "You put your right foot in," he put out his left leg. "You put your left foot out," his left leg went down while his right leg came out(because if both legs were stuck out, he would fall). "You put your big butt out and you shake it all about. He turned around so that his butt was facing the doors and stuck his butt impenitently at the employee looking through the transparent glass. "You do the automatic door and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about!"
He stopped dancing and walked through the door as if nothing happened.
~*~
6. Talk to the stuffed animals and dolls you're going to buy.
Rosalie
Blonde, tall and carrying and armful of toys, Rosalie struted around WalMart while she talked to her "babies".
"Mommy looooooves you so much Moo-Moo Face!" She cooed at a stuffed toy cow. "And to you too, Pookie-Wookie who loves cookies!" A furry, brown teddy bear. "Lots of love to Lulu, Susu and Doodoo!" she sang out to three dolls, each with different coloured eyes and hair. "Don't get jealous, my little babykins! Mommy loves all of you!"
People walked past her and gawked at her like she had 6 heads. Might as well have 5 extra heads! Rosalie thought. That would be so much better than having to do this! One woman actually stopped to stare at Rosalie and her babykins. Just like any over-protective mother(that's crazy), she hugged the assorted toys closer to her chest. "MINE!" she screamed at the woman. She hurried past her without a backwards glance.
Rosalie was walked towards the row of cashiers. "We're gonna leave now, my lovlies! We'll have lunch somewhere else, ok?" She bent her head down towards the toys, as if she were trying to hear their reply.
The customer infront of her grabbed his bags after paying and left, wanting to get away from the phsyco. Rosalie put the toys on the counter in a neat row and before the cashier could scan the first toy in line, she started to speak.
"These are my babies! Say hi to the cashier lady!" Silence from the toys. "Sorry, they're a bit shy! This here is Moo-Moo Face. And Mr. Snuffleslaphagus," she gestured to a toy elephant. "And the triplets, Lulu, Susu and Doodoo. Lulu's the brunette and Susu is the blonde one. Doodoo wants to dye her hair green and pink because she says black is boring, but I told her I will only allow her to do so when she's older. Here's Cuddles," she held up a toy lion infront of the cashier's nose so suddenly that the poor worker stumbled back. "Um, miss, could you pl-" "And heeeeere's Starlight Giraffella!" she petted a minature stuffed Giraffe. "Pookie-Wookie who likes cookies! And I think you know Barbie and Ken....What did you say Barbie?" she asked Barbie, still in her box. "WHAT?!!? No, you may not go out with Ken! I don't care how hunky-licious he is! Because I said so! Don't you dare talk back to me, young lady, or I'll ground you! I'm not joking!" Rosalie glared at Barbie for a moment then whispered to the cashier, "Put Ken in a different bag, away from Barbie. I don't want them to do anything funny while I'm not looking. And yes, you may scan the barcodes."
~*~
7. Spray yourself with all the perfume samples and flirt with a boy. When he shows no interest, start flirting with his girlfriend.
Bella
Last, but not least, Chanel No.5. Bella thought. She spray the perfume on her forehead. There, every perfume sample has been sprayed on me. I smell horrible.
She started to strut(in a very non-Bella fashion way) towards a boy a few years younger than her chatting to his girlfriend.
"Hi," Bella greeted flirtateously.
"Hey," the boy replied, uninterested.
"I'm Bella." she batted her eyelashes.
"Josh." still no interest. Good, it'll end faster this way. Bella thought.
"So what sign are you? I'm a Virgo." giggled Bella.
"Ugh. I don't date old people."
Bella rolled her eyes. "So," she turned to his girlfriend. "I'm Bella. I'm Virgo, what sign are you?" she winked at the freaked out girl.
"Let's go Fani." The boy started to lead his girlfriend away from Bella.
"Either of you, call me!" she yelled at them both causing the boy to roll his eyes with digust and the girl to feel like throwing up.
Edward rushed to her side. "That was horrible!" she complained.
"It's ok, love. Wait till you see what I have to do next."
~*~
8. Walk up to random people and hug them.
Edward
"Hug!" Edward exclaimed as he flung his arm out and wrapped them around a 14 year old girl. Startled, the girl spun around. "I'm giving free hugs."
He walked up to a man and his girlfriend. "Group hug!" he yelled and hugged them both. "Spread the love!" he cried, pumping my fist up in the air before walking away to 'spread the love'.
I have to burn this shirt later. He thought.
He heard Emmett think, Three more girls, four more guys.
Edward rolled his eyes and saw his next target.
"Hug!" he screamed, throwing his arms around two teenage boys. Freak.
"Love around the world!" he called after them.
Edward hugged a man wearing spectacles and but he just stared.
When he hugged a 16 year old girl, she just screamed. Out of delight.
He hugged a man and his wife. They didn't really respond...
He even hugged an old woman. "You are a good boy, sonny. Giving free hugs. I still remember, back in my day, when hugs weren't free. Oh they were expensive, alright..." she continued to ramble even when Edward was already out of her arms. She should really get new glasses.
Wait Edward. Alice. We want you to hug her. He saw her point at a woman wearing a purple knitted sweater, her back turned to him.
Edward, wanting to just get over with it, ran up and hugged her. "Free hugs," he declared.
"Edward Cullen?"
"Mrs Cope..." Ouch.
Oh, I knew Edward would fall for my charm! I just knew my fantasies would become reality some day. Come here my little Eddie, give Martha a great big hug.
Edward winced as Mrs Cope pulled him into a hug. "Come, let me give you a big kiss-"
"That's not nessacery, Mrs Cope. I'd better go now. A lot of homework." One second he was in Mrs Cope's arms, the next he was a feet away from her.
"Okay..." blushed Mrs Cope, flustered.
"I'll see you in school."
He sprinted to his family.
"Alice..." he threatened.
"Edward!" Bella cried. She threw herself at him, placing a loving hand on his cheek.
"Told you my challenge was more horrible than yours! That was so obscene!"
~*~
9. Go put up your own 'Buy 1 get 10 free' signs.
Carlisle
Carlisle put up a sign he made the day before. In big, bold letters, the paper read 'Buy 1 get 10 free'. He slipped away, unnoticed and waited with anticipation for the reaction of the "best deal in history".
"Woah! Dad, look it!" A 16 year old teen yelled at his dad. "The laptops're on offer! Like a real big offer!"
"Laptops, you say?" His dad walked over to where his son was staring in disbelieve at the printers.
"Buy 1 get 10 free?" The father was incredulous. "We'll take it!"
"Dad, does this mean that I get my own computer?"
"No. Now help me move the 11 laptops into our cart."
The moved the computers quickly into their cart and pushed their cart to the cahier.
"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" the father boomed.
"I'm sorry sir." the cashier apologized. "The laptops're not on any offer."
"Come, I'll show you the sign." The dad dragged the worker to where the sign was...or used to be.
"Umm...what sign sir? There is no 'Buy 1 get 10 free' sign."
The father tried to think about what had happened. The sign...he'd seen it. He was sure he wasn't hallucinating because his son was there too. His son. The wires in his brain connected and the pieces fell into place.
"Jimmy!" "Yeah dad?" "You little prankster. You think this is funny?" "What are you talking about?" "You put up the sign yourself didn't you? Didn't you? And you thought that it would be funny to see me humiliated!" "I did no such-" "You are coming with me mister. Wait till your mom hears about this. You are grounded. No going out with friend, no leaving your room..." He dragged his son by the ear and pulled him out of WalMart, his son crying ouch all the way.
"So do you want the laptops, sir?" The cashier asked. "...I'll take that as a no."
~*~
10. Poke people.
Jasper
"Poke!" Jasper jabbed a finger into the arm of a obese woman.
"Poke!" Jasper touched a little girl's head with his finger.
"Poke!" he poked a man's nose.
"Poke!" he stuck his finger into an old man's belly.
He ran to a telephone connected to the sound system and yelled into the phone, "SUPER POKE!"
You have been poked.
~*~
11. Make up nonsense products and ask if they're in stock.
Bella
"Hi, I'm look- Eric?" Bella was caught off-guard when the realised the trainee she was talking to was non other than the boy from school, Eric Yorkie, who had a crush on her.
"Er...h-hi Bella." He replied shyly. "What did you say you want again?"
"Oh, um..." Bella said, equally abashed. "I'd like to ask if Flabby-Os were in stock, you know, the cereal."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Flabby-Os.
"You mean Cheerios?"
"No, I mean Flabby-Os. F-L-A-B-B-Y." Bella tried to explain. "It comes with the catchy commercial jingle, you know," she began to sing. "Flabby-Os, Flabby-Os the cereal to eat when you're on the go. Lose some flabs, with Flabby-Os, comes with a free toy in every box-o."
Eric still looked continued to explain."The cereal the you eat to lose some flabs." She lowered her voice, "I'm kinda flabby around the thighs... you wanna see?"
She pretended to lift a jean leg up while Eric stuttered. "Er...n-no th-anks." He tried to maintain professionism."I don't think we sell them here."
"Oh, okay..." She sighed. "When will I ever lose my flabs?" She shook her head and ambled off.
~*~
12. Fill up your cart with as many things as possible and tell the cashier you've decided you only want the gum.
Esme
Esme pushed her cart full of groceries towards the row of cashiers. She patiently waited for the line infront of her to move.
Finally, she reached the counter and began to transfer the items in the cart to the counter and the cashier began to scan the items simultaneously.
Working very quickly, the 88 items in Esme's cart were neatly packed in 10 bags. "That would be $174.65, please."
"$175.65? I'm sorry, but I didn't expect it to be so expensive!"
"It's alright! Maybe you'd like to remove something..."
"Hmmm..." Esme pretended to mull over the matter. "Ok, I've decided. I want the gum."
"Only the gum?" The cashier asked, incredulous.
"Yes. Only the gum."
Oh my gosh! This woman is insane. The cashier dug though the 10 bags in search of the gum. There was no gum.
"I'm sorry, but there is no gum."
"No gum? Oh, I must have forgotten! Silly me! Here." She grabbed a packet of gum from the rack next to the counter and handed it over to the cashier.
The originally perky cashier was now very, very irritated. Talk about mood swings. She scanned the barcode.
"75 cents, please." the cashier said through gritted teeth.
Esme handed her the money and exited the store holding a packet of gum.
~*~
13. When announcements're broadcasted on the PA, clap wildly and yell: "Whoo! My favourite song!"
Emmett
"Attention all shopper, attention all shopper..." boomed from the loudspeakers.
Emmett, who stood in the middle of a crowded area at WalMart, started to clap him giagantic hands, attracting the attention of the customers within earshot(which was pretty much everybody).
"WHOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "YEAH! MY FAVOURITE SONG! TURN UP THE VOLUME BABY!"
He did a few, strange dance movements and began to break dance on the polished WalMart floor. And then he got up and started to shake his butt. "Shake it, yeah!" He cheered himself on.
The "audience" watched on, either disgusted, weirded out or just plain dumbfounded.
"...Thank you,that will be all."
Emmett stood with his back ramrod straight, dusted his shirt and pants and walked off to where his family was like nothing happened.
"My monkey man!" Rosalie smirked.
~*~
14. Walk up to an employee and ask: "Can I help you?"
Emmett
"Can I help you?" Emmett asked an employee.
"Um, excuse me?"
"Yes, I'm asking you!" Emmett said in an annoyingly perky voice.
"But I don't need h-"
"Denial. Tsk tsk. You my good man, are about to go on a life changing programe."
"Er...what?"
"You see, I am a representitive from the 'I need help and I'm proud of it' company, and I'm here to help you!"
"Me? But I don't-"
"Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!" Emmett snapped.
"S-sorry." the man fumbled.
"I noticed that you really need help because," he started to count the reasons off his fingers.
"One, your sloppy posture suggests that you are lazy and not 'The Perfect Employee'." The poor guy realised that he was slouching and stood up, his back straight as a ruler.
"Two, your attire. Your pant's pulled up waaaay above your waist and that just screams 'dork'." Emmett said, with so much sass that he sounded like Alice while she was chiding Bella for her choice of clothes.
"Three, your face. Thin, oily, pimple-y. I mean, is any part of your face not covered with pimples? And your eyes! Don't get me started! Blurry and unfocused. Did you play video games up until the wee hours of morning?" The man cleared his throat. "Um... 'Knights and Dragons in the Castle' is not a video game, it's an interactive-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" Emmett yawned. "All these signs hint of imperfection, geeky-ness. But more importantly, geeky-ness."
"So what can I do about it?" the man asked timidly, hoping that it didn't involve needles or operations or diets.
"Nothing!" Emmett answered in a chipper voice.
"Wait, aren't suppose to help?"
"Yes! Help you realise that you aren't perfect and need help."
"Umm... but I didn't even realise I was imperfect before you came."
"That's your tiny brain in denial. But I'm here to help you embrace it. I want you to scream: I need help and I'm proud of it!"
"I need help and I'm proud of it." the guy squeaked.
"Louder! Say 'I'm an imperfect nerd and I'm proud!'"
"I'm an imperfect nerd and I'm proud." he said in his normal voice, gaining confidence.
"Louder. 'I need help and I'm proud of it!'"
"I need help and I'm proud of it! I'm an imperfect nerd and I'm proud! I need help and I'm proud of it!" he yelled, his volume rising with every sentence.
After yelling about being proud of himself for several minutes, Emmett shook his hand. "Congratulations! You've just completed the 'I need help and I'm proud of it' program! Here's an official badge!"
He took out a transparent plastic bag full of bright yellow badges from his... pocket? And handed him one.
The man pinned on the button and flashed it proudly. "Thanks so much... sir. I couldn't have done it at all without your help! Thank you!" The emotional man actually had tears in his eyes.
"No problem!" Emmett grinned, like he actually did a good deed. "I, uh, gotta be some where for a motivational talk, so I'll...uh see you soon! Bye bye now!"
"Bye! And thanks for everything." the now confident employee paraded around the premises, puffing out his chest, showing off his 'I need help and I'm proud of it' button. "Good morning, mam!" he greeted one of the customers as he sashayed past her. "I need help but I'm proud of it! You should be proud too!"
He didn't turn back, even as he realised that he forgot to shake Emmett's hand. If he did, though, he would've seen Emmet on the floor in a heap, laughing to celebrate a job well done... or maybe he was laughing at his 'customer'...
~*~
15. Ask to see their most popular collection of walls.
Rosalie
"Hi. Can you help me with something, please?" Rosalie asked an employee. "Sure."
"Can you show me your most popular collection of walls?"
"Erm... see, we don't actually sell walls here."
"But it's called WalMart!" Rosalie reasoned with the woman innocently.
"Yes, but we are not called Wall Mart. We're WalMart."
"But it's WalMart. It has a 'wall' in it."
"No, I meant Wall with a double 'L'. We only have one 'L'." She led the mock-confused Rosalie out the automatic doors and pointed to the gigantic sign the blared "WalMart" outside the store.
"See, WalMart." The employee spoke as if she were talking to a child. "WalMart, with one 'L'"
"So? What's your point?"
I give up! The woman thought. "I'm sorry. We're out of stock."
"Oh... it's okay then." Rosalie faked disappointment. "I'll come again next week!" she cheered up.
Rosalie skipped merrily back into the store, leaving the befuddled woman shaking her head outside. I'm so gonna apply for a leave next week.
~*~
16. Put a lot of stuff in your cart and pay for it with a dollar.
Carlisle
Carlisle put almost $650 worth of merchandise into his cart and waited in line. "Hello," greeted the cashier in a friendly tone. Carlisle greeted her bad and started to put his purhases on the counter.
Beep, beep, beep.
The cashier ran the items past the scanner and before she could even announce the total price of the stuff, Carlisle handed her a dollar.
"Keep the change," he said smoothly and collected the bags in his hands.
"Wait sir!" the cashier chased after him. "You only paid $1 for your things when it's $639.41."
"Not a problem!" he put the whole load of shopping bags into the arms of the employee and fished out a permanent marker from his pocket. He took his bill from the cashier and promptly added three zeroes behind the '1'.
"Sir," the cashier was struggling with the bags. "Now the note is worth nothing."
"How can you say that? My one thousand dollar bill is perfectly fine and not worthless. This is discrimanation! This is unfair! I'm going to Target where I'm sure my money can be used! Good day!" he seethed then stormed off.
The cashier sighed and returned back inside. She was met with her co-worker who spat icily, "Good job, Dee! Another customer lost to Target. Why does it always happen to you?"
~*~
17. Ask an employee to page someone bogus.
Alice
"Hi." Alice skipped to a halt infront of an employee, who was conviniently standing next to a phone that was connected to the loudspeakers. He was no more than 20 years old, had a bad case of acne and had glasses taped up with tape. Dweeb.Alice thought. Perfect.
"Yes, miss? Can I help you?"
"Could you help me page my friend, I couldn't find her and she didn't answer her cell."
"Sure. What's her name?"
"Here," Alice handed him a piece of paper with her 'friend's' name written in an elegant script she wrote 5 minutes ago.
The guy didn't even ask why she had a piece of paper with her friend's name already written on it. He was clueless.
"Attention shoppers, attention shoppers. Paging for Ima Luser(I'm a loser), Ima Luser. Would you kindly make your way down to the Customer Service counter on level one. Ima Luser, paging for Ima Luser. Thank you."
The family(Emmett, Jasper, Edward and Bella, anyways) was rolling on the floor, having hysterics. "H-He...did-didn't even not-ice th-that it...was...a p-p-prank!" Bella managed to choke out between her laughter. Rosalie had her face in her hands, no doubt trying to act mature as she laughed into her hands. Esme and Carlisle's hands flew to their mouths, trying to stiffle a laugh. Even Alice was laughing out loud.
"What's so funny?" The guy asked.
"N-Nothing." Alice composed herself. "Nothing. Er... I'm just gonna go grab something. Page for me when Ima reports to Customer Service. I'll write my name down. He handed her a cheap WalMart pen from his pocket and Alice wrote a fake name down.
Shaking with laughter, Alice stode to her family, heading somewhere else for their next prank.
(five minutes later)
"Attention all customers, would Ivanna (I wanna be bald)kindly proceed to the Customer Service counter on level one. Your friend Ima Luser is waiting for you. Ivanna , Ima Luser is waiting for you at the Customer Service counter. That will be all."
~*~
18. Put a walkie-talkie somewhere in the undergarment section. Speak into the other walkie-talkie and help to sell the underwear.
Rosalie
A pot-bellied man walked past the womens' undergarment section. His hairy belly was peeking out beneath his grey shirt and he looked like he'd just woken up.
"Hey! Tubby!" Rosalie's voice sounded from a walkie-talkie she carefully embedded inbetween two thick piles of underwear. "Wh-What? Me?"
The Cullen family(and Bella) watched from the safety of the top of a shelf two aisles down. They watched the man in his mid-thirties whip his head around, looking for the source of the noise.
"Yes, you!" The man's eyes finally landed on the pile of womens' undergarments on a rack. "Yeah?"
"Buy me."
"Are you a talking underwear?"
"Yes. Now buy me." Rosalie said impattiently.
"Why?"
"'Cause I'm very, VERY comfortable."
"But I'm a man."
"I know! Just buy me!"
"But I don't have a wife!"
Edward whispered sarcastically, "Big surprise!" Bella giggled.
"Buy me for yourself. I come in your size."
"No." He was about to walk away when Alice snached the walkie-talkie in Rosalie's hand.
"Wait." He obliged.
"I'm on sale."
He shrugged, grabbed a beige coloured pair of underwear and put it in his cart.
~*~
19. Try on the largest bra availible over your clothes and ask for a bigger one.
Carlisle
"This is gonna be hilarious." Jasper whispered to Alice. "I know. I saw a vision of it!" Alice whispered back, equally excited.
Carlisle shamelessly walked amongst the women at the bra section of WalMart. He stopped infront of a rack of bras and grabbed the biggest red bra he could find(it was so big that you could stuff melons in them).
Earning a few curious stares from the other customers, he unhooked the bra and wore it over his clothes. And since he was wearing a white collared shirt, the crimson bra was more prominent than ever.
"Sorry," he tried to explain himself to the people around him. "I'm a little bit insecure about my body."
He stood in front of a mirror, puckered his lips and examined the over-sized bra on his body from different angles. Then he paraded around the Womens' Undergarments section with the bra still over his clothes.
"Excuse me." He tapped on an employee's shoulder who had his back turn to him. "Yes sir..." He swivelled around and trid to hold down the laughter that was building up in him. "What can I do for you?" "Do these come in a bigger size?" "Er..." the employee was blushed. "I'm sorry , sir, I think that's the largest size availible." "Darn. And I really liked this one."
Carlisle took off the bra, shoved it into the employee's surprised hands and walked off to where his family was laughing. He chuckled along as they headed off to pull their next prank.
~*~
20. Correct the prices.
Esme
Esme strolled to a shelf with cartons of eggs. She put a piece of paper into the slot for the price.
She then ambled to the electronics department and put another piece of paper in another empty slot.
(at the egg shelf)
"I can't believe it! $1000.99 for a carton of eggs! The economy is getting worse and worse! I hate it!" a young woman yell in anger. She slammed the carton of eggs onto the ground, leaving a white and yellow mess on the floor.
"Uh, honey," her husband tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the cracked eggs. "That's $1000.99"
(at the electronics department)
"Mom!" a girl with braces yelled. "MOM! Look!" She pointed her finger at a television set.
"Mom, that's only 99 cents! It's on sale! Can you please, please, please buy it for me for my birthday! Pleaseeeeeeee?"
"Will you stop whinning if I do?" answered an agitated mother.
The preteen nodded her head.
"Fine. It's a good deal anyways."
~*~
21. Gasp loudly when you see products on the shelves.
Bella
Bella gasped audibly and over-dramatically. "Yay! Peanut butter! Yum yum for my tum!" she snatched a jar of peanut butter and cluthed it to her chest as she ventured to find something else random to gasp for.
She turned heads when she gasped over bananas. "Ba-nah-nah!" she bellowed. She plucked out one banana from a bunch and sauntered off.
Exaggerted gasp. "Juice!" She put a carton of orange juice into her arms.
Bella gave her best gasp. "OHMIGOSH! OMIGOSH! A PENCIL!" she screamed. Obviously she attracted attention to herself, which she did not like. She was supposed to get another item before heading to pay for them but she figured, what the heck. Picking up a pencil, she dropped the other stuff on the ground and grinned at that one yellow pencil. She noticed a woman stare her way and clutched the pencil closer to her chest. "Mine!" she stuck her tongue out at the woman that sent her scurrying off.
She placed the pencil neatly at the middle of the counter at the cashiers'. "Will that be all?" droned the cashier.
"Yes!" Bella beamed. "All I need is this pencil! I love this pencil very much!" She paid for the pencil and walked out, the pencil safe in her pocket.
~*~
22. Dance wildly while listening to the music samples and sing along. Loudly.
Alice
Alice put the headphones over her head. Music blasted into her ear.
"Mmhmm! Oh yea! Do the chicken, the chicken, the chicken. KFC!" she yelled. Doing 'the chicken'. And then she made chicken noises.
The other shoppers watched Alice's eccentric dance and heard her chicken calls, but Alice seemed to be wrapped up in her own little world.
After the first song on the CD ended, she put the headphones back down, shaking her head and proceeded to the next music sample.
"Egyptian! Yea! Egyptian! I am Cleopatra, I am Cleopatra! I am Cleopatra and...I. Can. Dance." she screamed to the music.
After three minutes of yelling and dancing like an Egyptian, she shook her head and listened to the next CD.
"YES! Now that's my kind of music! 1, 2, 3, 4! Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days! Whoo! Dance like Hannah, dance like Hannah. Miley, Hannah, Miley, Hannah! Yeah! It's Hannah Montana!"
Her audience watched her imitate Hannah Montana's dance moves with her eyes closes. They heard her sing along to the song in a very off-key voice, shouting at random times. Some of them turned away, unable to take the torture.
The song ended and Alice grabbed a copy of the CD. "Oh, wait." They heard her talk to herself. "What am I doing? I already have this CD. Oh well!" She put the CD back on the shelf and walked away.
~*~
23. Talk to your imaginary friend.
Alice
"So Joe, you wanted to meet me at WalMart... What's the special occasion?" Alice strolled around the store, gazing into her imaginary boyfriend's eyes.
"Oh please Joe! My brother is the drama queen, not me! Just tell me!" Alice spoke to her 'boyfriend' just loud enough for the cutomers around her to hear.
"What. Did. You. Say." Alice breathed every word with malice, a complete opposite to her perky voice just a second ago. "You want to break up with me? You dump me?" she cried in disbelieve. "But I'm always the dumper not the dumpee!"
Now she has already attracted attention from serveral people, either because Alice was talking to no one or because a break-up scene is always too dramatic to pass off.
"You're seeing someone, aren't you?" her voice sounded realistic, as if she was being dumped, mostly because Jasper was hurling waves of emotions at her.
"Don't tell me that you don't have another girl in mind when you tell me you want to see other people! Don't try to fool me! I know there's another girl! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!" She strangled air.
"Wait! I know! It's because you're gay! You're gay, aren't you? Then why won't you tell me? Don't lie!" she ran her hair through her hair so many times that her hair was messy, so messy that she would've screamed if it weren't for the fact that her mind was distracted by the strong emotions flung by Jasper.
"No! Don't leave! No! Don't walk away from me! Please! Call me! Don't forget me..." she voice faded off as she sank onto the floor, making sobbing noises.
She looked like a crazy depressed woman on the floor, crying(or fake crying) over a break-up. She sobbed for a while then got up off the floor, the eyes of by-standers fixated on her.
She walked silently to the weapons department and got herself a gun. She gave a weird smile, the type of smile that suicidal people would give before they kill themselves.
She flitted into the women's washroom. A few womenthought they knew the whole situation and followed her in, trying to stop her, but she was already gone. As in gone gone, not die gone(but she is already dead). All they found was a gun lying in the middle of the floor.
The rumors started flying. In less than half an hour, the witnesses' friend's sibling's parent's friends already knew the story.
"They say the WalMart there will be forever haunted by the ghost of the spiky haired girl as she searches for her ex-boyfriend for revenge and you'll hear her moan, "Joe, Joe!" and you'll see her blood stained on the walls of the bathrooms at WalMart, looking for the gun they put back on the shelf to kill Joe. And if you happened to pick up the same type of gun she picked, you'll be cursed! And..."
~*~
24. Say funny things over the PA.
Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie
Emmett had to start it off. They others were standing by at other phones connected to the PA.
He unnessecarily cleared his throat then picked up the phone."Tasty corn. Tasty, tasty corn. Corn that is tasty. I like corn. Tasty corn."
That was Alice's cue. She picked up another phone, "Gesundheit. Zyzzyva. Chicken."
"Emo is the new cool." Edward.
"I loooooove mooses! Or is it miises? Moosen? Or just Moose?" Bella.
"Oohlaoohlaoohla-WAAAAAAAAH! Cookies." Rosalie.
Jasper wrapped it up. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! A bomb! A BOMB! We're all gonna die, die, DIE! Thank you, that will be all."
~*~
25. Worship the mannequins.
The whole family
Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie kneeled infront of a mannequin dressed in a neon green shirt, a bright red pencil skirt matched with a rainbow belt and a dull grey and blue handbag. Oh and there was also a pink boa around its neck.
"We bow to your superior fashion sense. We are your minions. You are our number one idol. You are our queen. We love you and your beauty." they chanted monotonously. They raised their arms and bowed deeply while kneeling again and again.
Their loud chanting attracted the attention of several...ok, a lot of people's attention. The busybodies stood in a crowd, watching the perculiar scene unfold before their very eyes. A bunch of people worshipping a mannequin in a hideous outfit was not something you see everyday.
There was a faint beeping sound- Emmett's watch. "Picture time!" Esme yelled. She pulled out a camera a snapped a photograph of the other Cullens(and Bella) crowding around the mannequin. Emmett put two fingers behind the mannequin's head.
Next, they took turns getting their picture taken with the dummy.
Bella and Alice posed together(Bella didn't like all the attention), putting their arms around the mannequin's shoulder. Rosalie put her head next to the mannequin's and puckered her lips. Jasper put his hand on the mannequin's bald head, looking solemn. Emmett stuck his butt out at the camera. Edward hugged the mannequin. What's another free hug going to do to me. Carlisle got down on one knee and held the mannequin's hand like he would do to a queen and Esme pinched the mannequin's non-existence cheeks.
After the last flash of the camera, Emmett's watch beeped again, right on time(Alice).
Carlisle spoke for the family, "We have to go, but we'll come visit you soon! We promise! We'll leave the offerings before you, we hope you like them."
They laid a frozen chicken(with the wrapper still on), deoderant, toys(from Rosalie), a packet of gum(from Esme), a bucket(from Jasper), a pencil(from Bella), a bag of 'I need help and I am proud' badges(from Emmett) and a piece of paper infront of the mannequin. They hurried through the exit to the carpark after bowing deeply once more. "All hail the fashionable mannequin!"
~*~
The Cullens(and Bella) were in the carpark. They looked at each other. As if on cue, they all burst out laughing. It wasn't a giggle, oh no. It was a full-out hearty laugh and it lasted for minutes.
"Today was fun." Bella said, after she calmed down.
Emmett looked pointedly at Edward. Edward sighed. "Fine. Bella's right, today was fun. Really."
"We should do it again!" Alice said, bouncing with energy.
"For sure!" Jasper agreed.
Carlisle and Esme just sigh.
As they piled into their respective cars, they heard Emmett's voice.
"We're sooo going to Target tomorrow."
A/N: Thanks so much for sticking with me. A virtual bear hug from Emmett for you! (Bear hug from Emmett). Sorry for all the spelling errors and grammar errors... they're not my forte. I hope this was original enough for you guys. Edward says, "Spread the Love!" So click on that cute button at the bottom and review to spread the love to me... because I really need it now!
~Sim
P.S Go read my other story, BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!.
P.P.S Visit my blog at .com if you found this funny.