Lost

Summary: My girlfriend wants to have sex. I think. I mean, yeah, to any guy that would sound really fantastic… but, um, I'm not any guy. And she's not any girl. Michael's POV of the Big Fight in PD8.

Disclaimer: Meg owns everything but Michael's thoughts. Haha.

P.S. "Precious gift" is not capitalized because it is Michael's point of view and it is not important to him (it doesn't even make SENSE to him, haha).

My girlfriend wants to have sex. I think. I mean, yeah, to any guy that would sound really

fantastic… but, um, I'm not any guy. And she's not any girl. She's Amelia Freakin' Thermopolis. She's the Princess of Genovia. And I'm just some guy she went to high school with, some random nerd she decided was worthy of her time… I guess. And, okay, I really have wanted to have sex with her, to be honest. But, this was NOT the time.

Is she serious? Is this real? What the hell? I mean, just yesterday we were practicing celibacy until her freaking prom night (two freaking years away) and now, suddenly, she wants… WHAT?! Oh, my God. I totally get it. She wants to stop me from going to Japan. I can't do this! I HAVE to go to Japan.

Maybe… it's just dinner… and yeah. It's probably just… this…. Oh, God, she looks nervous. Fuck.

"Michael, remember that time my mom and Mr. G went to Indiana and I got to stay in that hotel room at the plaza and I invited Lilly and Tina and everyone to stay there with me, and not you, and you got so mad?" she said. I took a deep breath. I had not been mad. I just. I don't know.

"I didn't get mad," I told her pointedly. Mia looked at me earnestly. God, she was so beautiful…

"Yeah but you were disappointed I didn't invite YOU to stay in it with me," she replied, still looking a bit nervous. I so know where this is going. Sex. Which. Like I said… Yes. I want… not to sound like… a sex maniac or something but we've been dating for two years and I love her and she loves me (I would hope) and well, it's about time, I guess. But Mia's not… ready… I think.

"That is true," I told her which I guess, yeah I had been disappointed. I mean I sort of thought… I don't know.

"Well, so, I have this hotel suite to myself now," she said, "And I invited you, and not Lilly and those guys."

Um. Okay. Yes. It's definitely sex. I think. Oh, my God. I don't want her to do this. Not now. Not before I go to Japan…

"You know," I told her, smiling at her naïveté, "I'd sort of noticed that. But I didn't want to say anything, in case the girls were coming by after dinner."

I'm incredibly ridiculous.

"Why would the girls come by after dinner?" she asked curiously.

See?

"That was a joke," I said.

Har dee har har. You are so funny Moscovitz.

"I sort of figured they weren't," I continued. "But with you it's kind of hard to predict sometimes."

Which it REALLY is. Sometimes.

"Oh. Well the thing is – " she began…

Well.

Here it comes.

Sex.

With Mia Thermopolis.

I can't.

Not now.

Not before I LEAVE TO JAPAN!

But… I really, really want to…

"I know I said I wanted to wait until my senior prom for us to have sex. But I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I really think I'm ready now. Tonight," she finished.

I stared at her. I wanted her so fucking bad. But. Not like this. Not NOW! Not BEFORE I FREAKING LEAVE TO JAPAN. She was so doing this to get me to stay. It's not like I WANT to leave her. Doesn't she SEE that? I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to show everyone that I'm worth being with the Princess of Genovia.

"Mia…" I began slowly. Fuck. This was so hard. "Are you sure about this? Because you were pretty firm on the whole prom night thing, and I don't want you changing your mind just because I'm going away for a while and you're afraid I might, er, hook up with a geisha girl, like you mentioned before…"

She stared at me. I stared back, trying to force myself from throwing her onto the bed and well…

Finally she just went, "Um, what?"

This was…. so hard. Shit.

"I know!" I said, grimacing. Why why WHY must I possess so many of these ridiculous morals! She was offering SEX. Oh my god. "It's just that… well, I don't want this to happen for the wrong reasons. Like because you think if we do this, I'm going to change my mind about going or something."

Okay, that's good Moscovitz. She just stared at me though. Shit. This wasn't…going to end well.

Then Mia said, "No. That is not why I changed my mind about prom night. That is SO not why."

I hated it when she lied to me.

"Really," I said. "So if we make love tonight, you are not going to be mad when I leave for Japan tomorrow?"

She said no but I think her nostrils were flaring. I couldn't tell though.

"But I mean… I guess I have to say I'm kind of surprised you'd still WANT to go. Considering, you know. It's sex. With me. On what could be a regular basis," she finished.

MIIIAAAAA! She's killing me.

"Mia, I keep telling you – part of the reason I'm going is for US. So people like your grandmother will stop asking, 'Why is she with HIM? She's a princess, and he's just some random guy went to high school with,'" I said, frowning. Please understand Mia. Please please please. I'm so not about to miss this opportunity.

"I understand," she said… but she looked on the verge of tears. No Mia! No no no.

"I know that you feel like you have to prove you're worthy of me, and all that," she said, "and I know your robotic surgical arm is important. But I think WE'RE more important. OUR LOVE is more important. And I think giving each other the precious gift of our virginity would be the most powerful expression of our love ever," she continued.

Okay.

Um.

WHAT!?

She lost me.

So I just went, "The precious WHAT!?"

And she said, "The precious gift of our virginity. I think we should give it to each other. Now. Tonight."

WHAT!? Okay, I'm sorry. I love Mia. Insanely. I'm completely and utterly gaga for her. I'm SO crazy about her. But. Um… sorry. WHAT!?

I started laughing. Because, really. Precious gift of our VIRGINITY!?

I'm… not even a virgin… Shouldn't she know that?

"Mia, I gave my – what'd you call it? Oh, yeah my precious gift – away a long time ago," I said, unable to hold in my snickers. I love her, I really do… but sometimes, we're just not on the same page.

She stared at me. Shit. She kept staring. That was… not a good look on her face. Fuck. What did I say?

"Wait. What? Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked, suddenly scared as hell

"Michael," she said quietly. "Are you not a virgin?" I stared at her, feeling my heart beat pick up speed. Shit.

"No, of course not," I said. "You know that."

This was not the right answer.

"NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" she yelled.

Fuck.

She was yelling. AT ME.

"Well," I stammered, barely forcing the word out, "I guess we never actually TALKED about it, but I didn't think it was a big deal…" I'm an idiot.

"YOU HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE, AND YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS A BIG DEAL? A BIG ENOUGH DEAL TO TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND!?" she yelled… again. I am an idiot. And she was really scaring me now.

"It was before you and I even started going out," I said, "I didn't think – I mean, it was so long ago – " I was grasping for straws I couldn't even find. I am the biggest idiot in the whole fucking world. Shit.

"WHO!?" she screamed, her gray eyes wide. Oh my god. "WHO WAS IT!?"

I stared at her, blinking profusely. I am SUCH an idiot.

"Who'd I have sex with?" I asked. "I don't think I want to tell you. You might try to kill her or something. Your eyes are actually spinning around in their sockets a little bit right now." I am truly an idiot.

"WHO WAS IT!?"

Why the HELL does she need to know!?

"God, it was JUDITH, okay!?" I replied, aggravated. "What is WITH you? It didn't mean anything, we were just messing around. It was before I even knew you liked me, so what do you CARE?"

Fuck. This was so. STUPID.

"Judith? Judith GERSHNER? YOU HAD SEX WITH JUDITH GERSHNER? YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST FRIENDS!" she yelled shrilly.

We had both stood up now and despite how annoyed I was beginning to feel, I was still scared. Scared as to where this was headed. Why did this have to come up tonight?

"We were!" I said, still not quite matching up to her, uh, dulcet tones. "But we were friends who mess around a little…"

God, I really fucked up didn't I? Step aside George Bush, apparently I'm the biggest idiot on this planet.

"You told me you weren't going out with her! You told me she had a boyfriend!" she cried.

Hi, I'm Michael Moscovitz and I REALLY screwed up, apparently.

I just don't understand this.

I DON'T.

"I wasn't," I told her. "And she did! But…"

WE WERE JUST MESSING AROUND. JUST MESSING AROUND.

"But WHAT!?" she insisted.

"But." I shrugged.

I DON'T KNOW! I don't see how there's ANYTHING, anything at all, wrong with me messing around a little with Judith.

"I don't know. We were just messing around. I TOLD YOU," I said, unsure of what I should say.

"Oh, REALLY?!" she replied incredulously. Then Mia went off on this ridiculous tangent. I was lost.

"Did JUDITH feel the same way? Did JUDITH think the two of you were just messing around? Or was she in love with you? Did she know she was giving you her precious gift just so could turn around and start dating me?"

Okay. WHAT!?

And what the hell is up with the "PRECIOUS GIFT" stuff!?

"First of all," I began, really annoyed now, "if you don't stop saying 'precious gift' I'm going to hurl. Second of all, I told you, we were just messing around. Judith wasn't in love with me and I wasn't in love with her. I wasn't even her first, for crying out loud!"

This was so ridiculous. I don't even GET what she's going on about. How did this even HAPPEN?

"OH MY GOD!" she shouted, "Did you use protection? What if she GAVE YOU SOMETHING?!"

Oh, my god.

"She didn't give me ANYTHING! Of COURSE I used protection. I don't understand what the big deal is. It's not like I cheated on you. This was before you even sent me those anonymous love poems. I didn't have the slightest idea you liked me. If I'd known – " But she didn't let me finish.

"If you'd know WHAT!?" she demanded. "You wouldn't have given your precious gift to Judith?"

She was seriously working on my last nerve.

"I told you not to call it that! But, yes, basically."

"So it's MY fault?" she shrieked. "It's my fault you lost your virginity to someone other than me, because I was SHY?"

"I didn't say that," I insisted. This was CRAZY.

"You could have told me you liked me, you know, instead of sleeping with JUDITH GERSHNER!"

WHY DOES IT MATTER THAT I SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU!? I wanted to yell at her. But, I didn't. I didn't know WHAT to say or do because apparently, I was all wrong here. This was SO stupid.

"What would have been the point!?" I asked. "You were going out with Kenny Showalter at the time, if I recall."

"BUT I DIDN'T LIKE HIM!" she claimed.

Yeah. Just like she didn't like Josh Richter. I didn't forget that stupid Josh-or-Michael thing.

"How was I supposed to know that?" I asked incredulously. "You claim you didn't like Josh Richter, either, but you certainly acted like you did."

She stared at me in disbelief. I suppose she was mad about me bringing up Josh Richter but, you know, whatever, I was mad too. All of this was so ridiculous.

"You certainly hung out with Kenny enough," I continued. "I mean, for a guy you claim not to have liked. Which is fine – I don't care, because you came to your senses in the end. But DON'T get mad at ME because you took your sweet time admitting you liked me, and I didn't wait around for you."

"The way you're expecting me to wait around for you while you go off to Japan and find yourself?" she cried.

What?

"This doesn't have anything to DO with my going to Japan," I replied, lost, "What are you even talking about?"

"CLARINETISTS!" she screamed.

Okay. What?!

"You're going off to Japan and you just expect me to wait around alone every Saturday until you get back. Well, what if I don't WANT to wait around alone for you? Did you ever think of THAT?" she exclaimed.

I suddenly felt very, very cold. And scared. Again.

"Mia," I practically whispered. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm sixteen-years-old," she yelled. "And you're going away for a year. OR MORE. And it's not fair of you to expect me just to sit home like a freaking nun while you're off with some Japanese CLARINETIST."

Well, okay, I don't get the clarinetist bit. But, the rest? It… sort of… hurts.

"Mia," I said, shaking my head a little and took a deep breath. This next bit? Was going to be so hard to say. "You've totally lost me with the clarinetist thing. I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about. But so far as me expecting you to sit home like a freaking nun – I never asked you to do that. I didn't exactly think you'd WANT to date other people while I'm gone – I certainly don't have the slightest intention of going out with other people while I'm gone – but if you want to, I guess it wouldn't be exactly fair of me to hold it against you. Except that I thought…" I choked on my words and closed my eyes for a second. No. I shook my head and glanced at her again. "Never mind. Look, if that's what you want…"

I didn't get any of this. It wasn't making any sense. How did we get to this? I thought... I thought she didn't want to go out with anyone else. I thought she loved me? I don't know. I don't know how we got to this point. I don't know why. I don't know WHAT I did wrong. I just…

"Yes, Michael. That's EXACTLY what I want. Because the truth is, if you've kept something like this from me through our whole relationship, it just makes me wonder what kind of relationship we really even have. I mean, you haven't been HONEST with me – "

I haven't been honest with her?!

"YOU FREAKING NEVER ASKED!" I finally yelled, desperate for this to just be over and we could go back to being… I don't know. What we were, what we had before.

"And the fact that you're so willing to move to ANOTHER COUNTRY," she went on, without acknowledging what I said, "pretty much signals to me that this relationship has never meant all that much to you anyway."

She's… breaking up with me. Oh. I… What? WHY!? She can't. This is ridiculous.

"Mia," I said quietly, shaking my head. Just once. "Don't do this."

No, please don't do this. But she was taking off her necklace. The one I gave her on her fifteenth birthday. The one she never took off.

She was taking it off.

Oh, my god.

She was breaking up with me. I don't know why I couldn't get myself to comprehend this. I don't know why she was doing this.

I don't even… I don't understand how we got to this. I don't… what did I do WRONG?

I thought I was about to CRY right then, right in front of her, which would've been stupid but then, as I just stared at her struggling with her necklace, close to tears… I realized how unnecessary this was. This. Us breaking up. I loved her. So much. And, I don't think I EVER did anything wrong. What was so wrong with me wanting to prove myself to her family, even if it meant going to JAPAN? What was so wrong with me having had sex before this relationship? What was… what did I do wrong? This was so, so meaningless. She was just being Mia. She was just freaking out. Tomorrow, before I leave, we'll talk and everything will go back to normal. I think. I hope. I wish.

Why the hell was she DOING this?

She held the tiny snowflake necklace in front of me and suddenly I felt everything coming apart. I looked at her, angry, totally unaware as to how she could just throw everything away.

"Mia. Do. Not. Do. This," was all I could manage to say.

She said the words I had dreaded.

"Goodbye, Michael."

She dropped the necklace I refused to take and ran out the room. I didn't watch her go. I didn't even think I could move. Or even feel.

I stared at the necklace on the floor, wondering what on earth just happened, trying to ignore all the other feelings bubbling within me. I couldn't be hurt, or sad, or angry, or bitter. I was going to Japan tomorrow and I wasn't going to think about her.

But, I missed her already.

Thanks for reading! And yes, that's all there is going to be. :] I wrote this, going crazy waiting for the last book. I really hope they get back together! Anyway, thanks for reading, reviews would be appreciated.