Disclaimer : D. Gray Man is Hoshino Katsura's property.
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Chapter 9
'The doctors said Allen's woken up !' Those were the only words that echoed in Kanda's head as he rushed to the infirmary. He barely took notice of Lenalee who was following him behind, and almost ran into every person on his way.
'Moyashi, you've fucking woken up. I'm gonna kick your ass for making me wait so long.'
But then, as he was running, another thought came to him : would the moyashi remember what Kanda had told him on that snowy day ? And if he did, how would he react now that he was conscious ? That started to bother Kanda, but he quickly got rid of the thought. The main thing now was to check on whether Allen was fine or not.
As expected, there was a dozen of persons inside and in front of Allen's room, and Kanda could hear the annoyed head nurse telling the people there to shut up and stop disturbing the poor boy. Then…
« It's ok Head nurse, I'm fine, really ! »
That unmistakable cheerful voice, that reassuring tone… Oh how long did Kanda wait to be able to hear it again, how many days and nights did he spend fearing that the voice he loved so much would never speak again… And now…
« Heeey, Yuu-chan ! Lenalee ! You've come back from your mission already ? Look who we've got here, look ! » Lavi called as he saw them at the doorframe. He was pointing at Allen who was sitting in his bed, his usual smile on his face.
Kanda looked at the silver-haired boy. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second. Kanda couldn't think of any coherent thought, nor could he find something to say ; Allen was there, fully awoken, talking happily with Komui, Reever, Miranda, Lavi and the people around him, yet Kanda couldn't bring himself to move from the doorframe where he was standing. Something was paralyzing him, though he didn't know what, or maybe he did ; maybe he secretly dreaded Allen's reaction towards him.
« Hi, Kanda. » Allen said, still smiling.
That was all. Nothing more. A mere greeting and a simple smile as he would have done with any other person.
« What are you standing here for, Yuu-chan ? Just come in ! » Lavi said.
« Che. »
Kanda didn't even bother to answer Allen, and left immediately. He could hear Lavi and Lenalee's surprised voices as he left, but he didn't care. Part of him was furious, because that wasn't what he'd expected. But what had he expected, actually ? Even he couldn't give a proper answer to the question. Maybe he had expected that Allen would have been a little more enthousiastic when seeing Kanda ? 'Yeah right. And since when would he show enthousiasm when he sees me ?'. The other part of him was telling him that Allen's reaction was absolutely normal given the stormy interactions they had before. Still, Kanda's stubborn part kept thinking that he deserved better treatment from Allen after having worried him so much. 'Or maybe he's simply forgotten that I confessed to him.' That idiot moyashi was certainly capable of that. In any case, it didn't help Kanda decide on what to do from then on.
He needed time to cool off and think properly. Thus, he went to his room and lay on the bed to try and find some rest after his mission. Later, maybe, he'd go talk to Allen.
Meanwhile at the infirmary, the atmosphere was almost party-like as Lavi had brought back drinks and other stuff from the kitchen. Even the head nurse couldn't help but take part to the festivities since everybody there was having fun.
« A pity Yuu didn't stay here with us, right ? I wonder what's gotten into him. » Lavi said, concerned.
« Well I suppose he must have gone to rest a bit. You told me that he and Lenalee just came back from a mission, didn't you ? » Allen answered.
« He still could have made an effort ! I mean, after all the time he spent here visiting you… »
« Haha, like he, of all people, would go and visit someone. »
« No kidding, Allen. He actually did happen to come here. » Lavi said seriously.
Allen looked at the red-haired Bookman silently before going on :
« Well I should go and thank him later then. »
According to the head nurse, Allen was to stay at the infirmary for the following week so the doctors could keep an eye on his condition. His popularity was such that there were always people in his room at any time of the day, so Kanda couldn't find any time to talk to the boy, and it was pissing him off.
As he was walking in the corridor, Lavi caught up to him :
« Hey Yuu-chan, what's up ? »
« What do you want ? »
« Man, always in a grumpy mood ! And to think that your dear beansprout has finally woken up… really, why didn't you stay with us the other day ? »
« Che. You should know better than anyone that I hate those kind of festivities. »
« Still, it was for Allen. »
« Like I cared. »
« Sure you do. The fact you didn't kill me for saying he's your dear beansprout is evidence of it. So why ? »
« None of your concern. Now get lost unless you really don't value your life. » Kanda replied sharply.
Lavi sighed deeply.
« Fine, fine. Anyway, I'm just telling you that you guys are totally hopeless. » Then he left.
Kanda stood in the middle of the corridor a few minutes, before deciding to head for Allen's room. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't anyone but a nurse and the young Exorcist.
As he heard Kanda, Allen raised his head and gave him his usual smile :
« Hi, Kanda. It's rare to see you here. »
« Che. »
There was something wrong in Allen's tone, something that didn't sound like the real Allen. The Japanese man didn't know what to say, or even why he'd come in the first place. Fortunately, Allen didn't seem to notice his lack of eloquence as he went on casually :
« Say, Kanda, while you're here, mind helping me walk to my room ? I'd like to change into normal clothes. I'm kind of fed up with wearing these hospital clothes. I suppose the Head nurse won't say anything about it. And anyway, she told me to have a walk everyday to get my body used to it again. Four months stuck in bed didn't do me any good. »
At first, Kanda was a bit surprised by Allen's request, but accepted it anyway :
« Fine. »
« Thank you, Kanda. » Allen said formally, which made the older Exorcist raise an eyebrow. There was definitely something strange.
As Allen got out of the bed, he took support on Kanda's arm. He certainly needed to practise walking again, for he was carefully leaning on Kanda so as not to lose his balance. Allen's simple contact with Kanda made the latter shudder a bit, though the boy didn't seem to notice.
They got out of the infirmary and silently headed for Allen's room, though slowly because the boy couldn't walk very quickly, hung at Kanda's arm. The Japanese Exorcist was feeling awkward with Allen physically so close to him, yet so distant ; and that was only raising more questions in his head : what was the meaning of this behaviour ? Allen was certainly not cold towards him, but not as natural as he used to be. Did that mean he actually remembered Kanda's words to him ? And was it his way to show him that the feelings were not mutual ? Still, it felt like Allen didn't mind Kanda's company, or he wouldn't have asked him to help him walk.
All those thoughts were requiring too much effort from Kanda, as he never had been used to such considerations, so he decided to let things be as he usually did. Damn, the sole idea of turning into a lovesick girl was enough to convince him he'd better stop the hassle.
« Sorry for taking on your time, Kanda. I suppose you planned it to be a quick visit, right ? »
« Idiot Moyashi. I'd have refused to accompany you if I was in a hurry. »
« It's Allen, Bakanda ! Ah, here's my room. Do you mind waiting for me to get dressed then bring me to the library ? I'd like to see Lavi a bit too. »
« Che. Do I really have the choice ? »
« I guess not. Thanks, I'll be quick. »
Kanda waited outside the room. The moyashi was pretending nothing happened ? Fine. In any case, if Allen hadn't been deadly wounded, Kanda would never have told him about his feelings, so that settled it.
Allen soon got out his room, fully dressed, then both of them went to the library. If some people on their way found it surprising that Kanda was actually helping someone, they didn't show it. At the library, Lavi wasn't too difficult to find since he was the noisiest of all the people. He greeted them as soon as he saw them :
« Allen ! Yuu-chan ! What's up ? Oh, wow ! Yuu is helping you walk ? Now I can die in peace, for I have seen a miracle. » he said ceremoniously.
« Shut up, you stupid rabbit. I'm leaving anyway. » Kanda replied coldly.
« No waaaay ! Not already ! Stay with us a while, it's been sooo long since the last time we've been able to chat together ! » Now Lavi was clinging to Kanda's coat with an exaggerate puppy-eyed look. It didn't prevent the Japanese Exorcist from death-glaring at him, which made Lavi release his grip immediately.
« Well, whatever. Allen and I can perfectly have fun without you. » he added, pretending to sulk.
« Che. »
Kanda left the library without adding another word. Allen hadn't reacted at all.
The following weeks passed with no particular incidents. Kanda was acting as he normally did, meaning that he either ignored Allen or pested him. In return, the younger Exorcist kept finding any means to annoy him. At the cafeteria, for example, Allen would sit next to Kanda and make as much noise as possible, and since he usually was with Lavi, it wasn't very difficult. Or he would go spare with the Japanese Exorcist and try to piss him off to no end. Still, there was always a weird tension between them, as it seemed to Kanda that Allen was sometimes trying to get closer to him, and some other times, he simply kept some distance from him.
Kanda wanted to believe that everything had returned to normal, but deep inside him, he knew that there was something missing somewhere, and he was certainly smart enough to know what it was. He wanted to feel that silver hair through his fingers again, to delicately touch that innocent and warm face and to press his lips to those pure soft ones.
But he had decided to put all these thoughts away from his mind, and to behave like his usual proud self. After all, that was how he was educated, and he fully intended to honor his education.
There was only a small miscalculation in all of that : a certain Bookman Jr. Three weeks after Allen had woken up, Lavi came to find Kanda who was sitting cross-legged and with his eyes closed in his meditation room. The red-haired Exorcist stood at the doorframe :
« Yuu, can I have a word with you ? » he asked in the most serious tone in the world.
« It's Kanda, unless you want your throat sliced. »
« Fine. Kanda then, can I have a word with you ? »
Now the said Kanda was particularly intrigued. He'd never seen Lavi so serious, and above all, agreeing not to call him by his first name.
« Che. What do you need ? »
« To talk about Allen. »
« Why the fuck would you want to talk about the moyashi ? » Kanda asked, a bit irritated.
« You like him a lot, right ? »
« I remember having already answered to that question some time ago. »
« So why don't you do anything, for heaven's sake ? Do you plan to just let it go like that ? » Lavi slightly raised his voice.
« What I do is none of your concern. »
« It does when it affects one of my friends. »
« Who told you that I'm affected ? »
« I wasn't talking about you, but about Allen. »
Kanda opened his eyes and looked at Lavi :
« What do mean ? » he coldly asked.
« Exactly what I said. He's affected by your behaviour towards him, and I know you are too. Gosh, you two really make me desperate. » Lavi sighed, then went on :
« He likes you, Yuu. A lot. »
That last sentence made Kanda freeze for a second but he quickly regained his composure :
« Stop babbling nonsense. It's obvious he doesn't. He's simply nice because its his nature to be nice with everyone. »
« Listen, how about you go talk to him and find out yourself about what he thinks of you ? »
« Che, why doesn't he come to me by himself ? »
Lavi was starting to get impatient :
« Damn it, Yuu ! Are you an adult or just a stubborn kid ? 'Cause you are acting exactly like one ! I've already talked to Allen, and he sure is as much a pain in the neck as you are ! Now the rest is up to both of you. If you think the situation between you can remain like that, then fine, do as you wish. But then don't regret it later. This time, Allen was lucky enough to stay alive but you don't know what could happen to him on the next mission ! »
The red-haired Exorcist calmed down a bit :
« Anyway, just to tell you that I'm sick of seeing both of you like this. Don't think that I didn't notice how you two change your behaviours as soon as you see each other. It might not be obvious to everyone, but I'm not a Bookman for nothing. This said, I wish you a good day. »
And he left without waiting for any reply from Kanda. The latter simply remained stunned for a whole minute. Then he took a deep breath, and a resolution came to him : he'd go talk to Allen.
It was 8 a.m. on that day, and Kanda thought that Allen would still be in his room since he wasn't really an early riser. So he knocked at the door, and a few seconds later, it opened to reveal a slightly surprised Allen :
« Kanda ? Is something the matter ? »
« We need to talk. Can I come in ? » he asked bluntly.
Now Allen certainly was caught off guard by Kanda's request.
« Hum, sure… Well, come in. » Allen replied.
The younger Exorcist let Kanda in then closed the door. Both of them stood in the middle of the room, Allen waiting for Kanda to say something, but nothing came out of the older one's mouth.
« Hum, Kanda, what it is you'd like to talk about ? » Allen asked, unsure of what to do.
« Moyashi… »
« The name's Allen, you retard. »
« Just shut it. It's difficult enough for me so don't add more problems. »
« What is ? My name ? Well, I certainly did know that you're pretty stupid and such, but I've never imagined that you couldn't even pronounce two syllabes. Yet, it's easy, here, repeat after me : Al-len. » the boy said sarcastically.
That, as planned, irritated Kanda a lot.
« Damn it, Moyashi ! Can't you stop acting like a kid for five fucking minutes ? I've already gone through the trouble of coming here, you could be grateful ! »
« Grateful about what ? I don't even know what you came here for at first ! » Allen replied, pissed off.
Kanda wanted to snap back, but decided it wasn't really a good time to, so he forced himself to calm down then went on :
« Do you remember what I told you before you fell unconscious on our last mission ? »
There. He had managed to ask the question. Now the answer was still to come.
« What you told me… How could I remember ? You must have said something about bringing me back and 'hang on' or something like that. Why ? »
Kanda let out a small sigh. So he really didn't have any memories of his last words.
« Is that really all you can remember ? » he asked softly. Too softly actually, and that make Allen think back for a moment. He eventually said with an uncertain voice :
« Well, I… I think I do remember something else, but I must not have heard well at that moment… »
« What is it ? »
« Ah, well I really don't think it's worth mentioning. I thought that you had said some kind of joke, and it made me laugh. But surely, since it's utterly impossible for you to joke, I must have misunderstood. »
« I'm asking you what exactly did you hear ? Is that so hard to get ? » Kanda asked impatiently.
Now Allen was actually blushing as he looked away :
« I-I thought you had told me that you… you loved me. » The final words were almost inaudible. « But-but I know it can't be that, don't worry ! It's just… »
« And why couldn't it be ? » Kanda cut him.
« Well, obviously because… wait, what do you mean ? »
« What if you heard well ? »
Allen was shut silent. He didn't dare look at Kanda whose eyes were locked on the boy, nor could he suppress the mad blush on his cheeks. He had absolutely no idea on what to say at the moment and was thinking furiously. He was brought back to reality when Kanda moved to the door saying :
« Che. Never mind that. I should never have listened to that rabbit. »
He was about to open the door when Allen caught his wrist :
« Wait. Kanda, please wait. »
The Japanese man turned back and looked at Allen who gazed back :
« When you told me that back then, I really thought I'd heard wrong, because I always thought that you hate me, seeing how we always argue with each other and how we always fight… I-I thought my injuries made me imagine things, but I didn't care ! Because… I really believed that I was going to die there, so hearing you say you loved me was everything I could have… »
He paused a second, biting his lip and looking away, then :
« … That was everything I could have wished for before dying. Those were the words I never had hoped to hear from you. Then, when I woke up, you were so cold to me that I didn't know what to think anymore. At first, I tried to find out whether you'd really pronounced those words but every time I approached you, I couldn't see any positive sign that you… »
Allen paused once more, letting out a small sigh, then looked at Kanda again.
Hope, expectation, and a glimpse of uncertainty. Kanda could read all those in the younger Exorcist's beautiful eyes.
« Kanda, I… »
« It's enough. Say no more. » Kanda said, putting a finger on Allen's lips.
He cupped his cheek as the boy closed his eyes, bringing his hand up to hold Kanda's one. The Japanese man leaned forward, and for the second time, pressed his lips against Allen's warm ones, experiencing again his sweet taste. This time, it really was what Kanda had been craving for so long : Allen wrapped his arms around the older Exorcist's neck and was now kissing back eagerly, pressing his body against Kanda who leant on the door, both his arms around Allen's waist. The kiss lasted forever, as each was taking his time to discover the other through touches, caresses and their sealed lips.
They finally parted, though their lips were still very close, panting heavily. Kanda softly whispered Allen's name as the silver-haired boy looked at him and gave him the brightest and most genuine smile ; and at that moment, it seemed to Kanda that a four-month wait was very insignificant to be able to see that smile.
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There you are, it's done ! Thanks to all of you who stuck with this story until the end, since that was my first one. I hope the last chapter was up to your expectations !