Super Bear's Fun Facts
Super Bear: So, browniechadowes has allowed me, a completely super-fictional and drunken fiend, to come up with a list of random fun facts.
Emmett: So's we won' be depressed 'bout lack of fight.
Penguin: *loading up a beer bong* Or lack of strong plot.
Unicorn: Or lack of control of projectile vomit while reading it. *giving shot to kinolaughs*
Super Bear: Yeah, we'll rag on Breaking Dawn, but we're also doing random fun facts about the whole renegade series, guys.
Emmett: 'Cuz we's busy an' important like that.
Sarcasm: Translation: We're bored out of our fucking mind and can't stand that the parodies are actually over…
Super Bear: Drumroll please…
Orchestra: *drumrolls*
Super Bear: Why the phrase"our perfect forever" drives me up a fucking wall:
Bella is dead.
Edward is dead.
The whole Cullens are DEAD, CANIBALISTIC NON-HUMANS.
Jacob's a pedophile.
Quil's a pedophile.
Charlie's left in the dark, while diddling someone *cough* Sue *cough* who knows exactly what's going on.
Renesmee makes no "perfect" sense to me even after reading the whole damn book.
Leah basically is the root of the phrase "screwed the pooch". Sam and Emily skip off into "perfect forever"-ness, and Leah gets to strip in front of her brother.
Ummm Volturi showdown… not so much.
Penguin: Although if you look at the list, Edward and Bella's "perfect forever" isn't really affected by any of those.
Emmett: I wann'ed a Volturi showdown damnit.
Super Bear: How Many Made Up Characters browniechadowes Accidentally Birthed in Four Parodies:
Me, of course *takes a bow* (Introduced in "Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass in GoD)
Awkward crickets (Introduced in "The Sea of Awkward Crickets" in GoD)
Browniechadowes' inner funny (Introduced in "Someone Stole my Inner Funny!" in GoD)
Penguin (Introduced in "Penguins Kick Ass" in ToS)
Unicorn (Introduced in "Unicorn and Edward's Box" in UoS)
Edward's Balls (Introduced in "Future Jacob and Desperate Edward" in UoS)
Sarcasm (Introduced in "Pokemon Chatrooms" in UoS)
Super Bear: Cuss words:
(damn, hell, crap, and suck don't count… because they don't tick up enough on the dirty meter… and neither does fucking "holy crow" *rolls eyes*)
Bastard: 6
Fuck (ed, ing): 88
Bullshit: 7
Shit (ty): 57
Ass(-tards): 78 (mainly from Mike and Sam… surprise surprise)
Bitch(es, ing,y): 55
(Sun-)Whore (-slut,ing): 29
Slut-bag: 1
Blow job: 3
Piss(ed): 14
Ho-bag: 1
Twat: 1
Fucktard: 2
Badass: 18
Cock(-tease, block): 8
Slut: 13
Cunt: 2
Asshole: 17
Anus (just because it sounds dirty): 4
Vag: 1
Douche bag (Bag o' douche): 12
Prick: 7
Coital (post,pre,present…he he): 8
Stumblefuck(ed,edness)*: 19
Penis (*giggle*): 2
Ass-plant: 1
Dumbass: 21
Dick: 9
Pussy(ing): 6
Blow(ing): 15
*sidenote: Quil and Embry: *calling Bella* Hottie McStumblefuck
(Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest(RC), Never Gonna Happen (GoD), Someone Stole My Inner Funny!(GoD), have 0 real cuss words)
That makes for a grand total of… 534 cuss words… hmmm not as bad as once presumed.
Super Bear: Sexual Things:
Loofah, ice cream, cool whip, tomato soup, ice cubes, the Rabbit, Sam's anatomically correct doll, rubber duck, furbie, spaghetti sauce, Mike's black object, velveeta, blood.
Super Bear: Now, Jessica? Jessica!?! Come here. I'm giving you one chance to spout off everything you've ever said about Bella.
Jessica: About fucking time, Super Bear. *takes deep breath*:
"You are the pus in my pimple"
"You are the blood in my tampon"
"You are the fangirl to a shitty plot."
"You are the abscess to my infected tooth"
"…catheter to my urethra."
"She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture"
"You are the STD to my vagina"
"You are the chunks in my vomit"
"You maggot in my expired mashed potatoes"
"You are the hose to my enema"
"You are the infected toe nail to my pedicure"
A la Lauren: "You are the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound"
"She's the mold to my gouda cheese"
"You fucking knife to my lobotomy"
"You blade to my guillotine"
"…scissors to my castration"
"You razor burn to my armpits"
"You leprosy stricken scarlet woman"
"You are the psoriasis to my liver"
"You are the salt to my bloody cut"
"You sty in my eye"
"She is as comfortable as a UTI"
"She is the tear in a condom"
"Bitch, die"
"You infected needle to my heroin addiction"
A la Paul: "She is the probe to my colonoscopy"
"You crusted over syphilis sore"
"Stupid tapeworm to my colon"
"Venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child"
Super Bear: And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:
Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.
Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?
Edward: I'll come for you soon.
Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?
Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.
Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.
Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.
Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.
Bella: What's the hardest part?
Bella: Is it hard?
Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.
Edward: I could take a look, if you like.
Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?
Jacob: Come again?
Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.
Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.
Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.
Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?
Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.
Edward: It's hard and cold.
Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.
Bella: Jacob's more cunning-
Bella: Seth was… faking?
Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.
Alice: Go play with Edward.
Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.
In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?
Alice: Come with me, Bella.
Edward: The Volturi are coming.
Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.
In SM&UoS, Vladimir: They did come., Stefan: All of them, together.
Edward: I have something more to offer.
Super Bear: Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:
Edward: No blood, no foul.
Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*
Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.
Bella: Will you turn into a bat?
In SM&TRC: Bella: *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*, Edward: *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor.
Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.
In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.
Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?
Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.
Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?
Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?
Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.
Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.
Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.
Embry: Hey, vampire girl!
Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.
Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.
Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.
Bella: I'll be the one in white.
Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.
Super Bear: *browsing very smutty and disturbing fanfics* Let's not judge now, we all know after a few drinks, some of these pairings have crossed our minds. Here are the Unconventional Ships that seemed to happen in the Renegade Characters:
Bella/Jacob
Edward/Mike
Alice/Bella
Esme/Bella
Charlie/Alice
Dream!Bella/Victoria
Sam/non-consensual harem
Jessica/Lauren
Edward/Charlie
Aro/Edward
Aro/Carlisle
Aro/Marcus
Aro/Bella
Aro/Alice
Aro/Mike
Aro/Amun
Aro/Renesmee
Aro/Garrett
Super Bear: *clears throat* So, Aro pretty much gets around more than even stumblefuck Bella here.
Aro: Are you suggesting I'm a… floozy?
Super Bear: *ignoring Aro* Anyways… so continuing with the Ship list:
Stephenie Meyer/Caius
Bella/Carlisle
Charlie/Jacob
Mike/Jacob
Mike/Mike's mom/Bella
Jacob/Edward/Bella
Edward/Jacob
Rosalie/Bella
Edward/Emmett
Alice/Jacob
Peter/Charlotte/Jasper
Edward/Mr. Varner
Edward/Seth
Charlie/Renee
Tanya/Edward
Tanya/Bella
Bella/Bella
Bella/Mr. Jenks
Garrett/Kate
Felix/Bella
Tanya/Caius
Super Bear: *shudders and takes tequila shot* So wrong, yet so right. Here are all of the sexual laws broken:
Necrophilia
Statutory Rape
Polygamy
Incest
Pedophilia
Bestiality
Super Bear: No it's not everyone in the series, but it is quite a few…
Edward: Hey!
Edward's balls: Well, it is true…
Super Bear: I give you: People Who Mistake Edward for Gay:
Jacob
Mike
Bella
Emmett
Charlie
Jasper
Aro
Marcus
Alice
Carlisle
Renesmee
Caius
Tanya
Edward's balls
Edward
Super Bear: Random documents that made their way into the series:
All 4 novels, of course
Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass
"Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire" list
Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan
"Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Fucktard o' Love" list
Humor for Dummies
Super Bear: *clears throat* So… I guess that's the end of it. Browniechadowes asked me to give a special thanks to all of those who have been with her throughout the whole series, especially kinolaughs, LaniLynne, and Kayanne.
browniechadowes: *passing shots out to all devoted readers* And I am definitely up for suggestions for another story. If you leave me a review with a suggestion, I'll mull it over. And be sure to check out my other story, Self-inflection and Sysygies… I'm revamping (haha no pun intended) Bella, big time.
THANKS FOR READING & REVIEWING!