Once Upon A Time...

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Severus Snape, just his delectable Slytherin clad boxers behind

Oh my, Hermione thought faintly, her gaze traveling upward. What a huge… castle!

The enormous stone edifice she was being led into was even more impressive than Hogwarts, at least in sheer size. She hoped she wouldn't be forced to walk all the way up to the top, as the satchels she was carrying were quite heavy. I have no idea which story this is, she realized, and almost panicked. What if I do something out of character without even realizing it? There was nothing to be done, though, but follow the lead of the rather surly guard she was trailing and pray that Severus would play along as well

until they met up again.

Finally the guard deposited Hermione in a small but lavish room on the second floor and told her to wait for the king to arrive. Well, that will be Severus, with any luck, she thought as the door was shut in her face. She dropped the satchels and collapsed onto a bench to wait. What on earth am I supposed to be? She pondered. Maybe there's a clue in the bags?

Hermione pulled one of the satchels open and sifted through. There's nothing but clothes in here, she thought, puzzled. Like I'm traveling. But they're very fancy clothes. Maybe the other satchel…no, it's more of the same. But this is all far too big to fit me…

The answer hit Hermione just as the door flew open and in strode Severus dressed as the king, with the queen in his wake. "And what do you want?" he bellowed, clearly venting some of his frustration over the situation.

Hermione looked up at Severus. She thought about the story, and what was going to happen next. And she blushed so badly she couldn't even bring herself to speak. I'm- and he's going to- and he'll have to- oh Merlin he will die. He will literally fall over dead from mortification. I can see the tombstone; 'Here lies Severus Snape; Died of Shame Buck Naked On A Horse'.

I'm going to see him naked.

"Well?" Severus snapped when Hermione didn't respond. "My time is precious, you slow-witted-"

"Clothier, your Majesty," Hermione cut in, snapping out of her rather vivid daydream of a naked Severus sunbathing. "Peddler in the finest outfits money can buy; silks and satins fit for a king, and at a king's ransom." She paused, trying to beg Severus with her eyes to play into her spiel.

"We know who you are," the queen said shortly, startling Hermione, and Severus as well.

"And as I recall, my husband forbade you entering his sight again for having shown him such crass, coarse, uncomfortable clothes."

She spoke as if bored and long-suffering of her husband's wild tastes, but Hermione could have kissed her. She's playing along perfectly! Maybe the potion's helping us out a bit... "Ah, and that is why I have returned, your Majesty. For I have come into possession of a suit of clothing so fine, the one who wears it forgets it's even there."

Severus snorted. "Do not attempt to deceive me, peasant," he sneered. "No such clothing exists, or I would have heard of it."

I changed my mind; forget the queen, I could definitely kiss Severus. "It is a thing of utter rarity, Majesty, such that even I, in the trade of such things for twenty years, only heard of it recently; but it does exist, and I have what may be the only suit of it in the entire kingdom. Spun on a loom the size of a thimble, made from a web of golden moonlight, it is lighter and softer than the air itself. It is the rarest, most valuable thing, and my price for this magnificent suit will be ten thousand gold pieces."

The queen scoffed. "Ten thousand! That's almost the entire treasury!"

But Severus had been listening carefully, it seemed, for he had picked up on the direction of the story. "Cost matters little for such a fine thing, my queen," he oozed, his eyes fixed on Hermione. "I must have this suit!"

"But- but my Lord-" the queen stammered. "How would we pay the armies?"

"SILENCE!" Severus roared. "I've longed for such a suit for years, and will not be denied! Let the armies go unpaid, raise the taxes, I care not! The suit is mine!" He took a deep breath, and seemed satisfied at the queen's quailed appearance. "Now leave us, so I may try on the suit."

The queen hurried to do as she was told, and the moment she had shut the door Hermione hissed "Brilliant! Have you read this one?"

"No," Severus said quickly. "Are we still on course?"

"Yes, you're doing perfectly," Hermione assured him.

"Good. Now let's have the suit," Severus insisted. "I am to put it on, correct?"

Oh, he isn't going to like this, Hermione thought as she reached into the bag. "You are, but it's not going to be what you'd expect," she warned him. She stood up, her hands clenched in thin air at shoulder height. "Here it is."

Severus stared at Hermione for a full minute. "I fail to comprehend the joke," he said finally. "Hermione, this is not the time for games-"

"I'm not playing a game," Hermione snapped. "This is the magnificent suit you're going to empty your treasury to buy; a suit lighter and softer than the air itself."

"That is absurd. You know as well as I that it is impossible to create cloth out of moonlight."

"You, a wizard, say that to me? Anyhow, it doesn't have to make sense, remember? You're a vain king, and I'm a cunning con artist of a tailor. By the end of it I have you completely convinced it's real." She made as if to hand the 'suit' to Severus. "go on, pretend to put it on and get out there."

"You mean I am supposed to…walk around this castle…?" Snape couldn't quite get the last word out.

"No," Hermione told him, and his shoulders sagged in relief. "You're supposed to put it on, and declare it the best, most comfortable suit you've ever worn. Then you're to call for a grand parade, in which you ride through town on your horse so all the kingdom can see your wonderful new suit."

Severus' jaw hit the floor. "I'm going to have to parade around in front of the whole kingdom? Nude? On a horse? A trotting horse?"

Hermione nodded, trying not to think about trotting naked Severus. "And no one will have the nerve to say anything because you're the king. But then some bratty little child will shout out 'Look, the king's not wearing any clothes!', the spell will be broken, and you'll be standing there in a different suit; your birthday suit."

"No." Severus sat down abruptly. "I refuse."

"Severus, we'll never get out of here-!"

"I no longer care," Severus declared. "I will not do this; so sayeth the king."

"You can't do this!" Hermione yelled. "I'll be stuck here too! I want to go back to my life
– you can't just choose to condemn both of us to this world!"

"Watch me."

"Severus," Hermione said in a voice so calm Severus had to look up. "Take off your
clothes and put on the invisible suit right now, or I swear you will regret it."

Severus sneered, although it was a touch nervous. "I believe I'm a match for you, by any
stretch of the imagination."

"Yes, you could hold your own against me," Hermione agreed, still in the same chillingly calm voice. "But I have powerful friends, Severus. Friends who will do anything for me, anything I ask. They will die for me, kill for me, and most certainly torture for me. They'll stop at nothing, move heaven and earth, and they will find a way to get to us. They cannot be stopped by laws, by magic, or by the will of the gods. I am their kith and kin, and their indignation and righteous anger on my behalf is a thing of legend. So unless you want the words 'Harry Potter was here' branded into the crack of your arse, you will undress right now."

Severus swallowed. He looked all around the room, as though searching for an escape, and found none. Bearing a horrible, hollow look on his face, with slow, jerky movements, he began undoing his belt.

Severus literally froze before getting too far, and Hermione was forced to turn her back before he actually removed his clothes. It meant she didn't get to see him full-on as Merlin made him, but the few sidelong glances she got were almost enough to make her swoon. I was so right…his entire body is as impressive as his legs. His ENTIRE body!

Severus insisted that she remain facing away, but she still snuck a quick peek at his arse when he went to address the queen. A few days tanning in the sun, and thus begins the new life of Severely Shapely, Porn Star. She shook her head. Hermione, you are unbelievable! she thought with a smirk.

Hermione headed for the treasury as soon as Severus had left for the parade; sure enough, several huge cartloads of gold were waiting for her. Taking a chance, Hermione decided to magically shrink all but one of them with her wand; she shrank the gold in the last one well, stuck everything in her pocket, and hopped aboard the empty cart. A twitch of the reins and the sturdy horses took to the road, just as the first cheers drifted up from the other side of the castle. Severus must be wowing the crowd, Hermione thought, and she didn't stoplaughing until the story faded away.