A/N: Okay, it may not be perfect, but I couldn't wait any longer to submit this one. So sorry I haven't updated sooner, I've just been working on a ton of other projects, including new fanfics I'll submit when they're finished. I've been doing some Harry Potter role-playing on Twitter too - it's awesome. CassieRavenclaw is my personal account if you want to follow me (I also role-play on it) and I made a Twitter account for Voldemort too - DrkLrdVolders. I'm doing my best to make Voldy's updates as hilarious as possible, so check it out if you'd like! :)

It wasn't two seconds after the Barnes brothers had left for school that Voldemort had made a beeline for the kitchen, his stomach rumbling and his teeth aching.

"There must be something decent to eat around here," he mumbled desperately to himself. But oh, how wrong he was, for little did he know that every single cabinet in the Barnes' kitchen was completely stuffed with nothing but hundreds of cans of…

"SPAM!" screamed the Dark Lord, slamming every cabinet door shut as soon as he opened it. There was nothing to eat at all, nothing but the gelatinous, meat-flavored mystery substance he loathed so much.

Frantic now, he opened the refrigerator door and sighed with relief to find numerous Tupperware containers inside, hopefully full of edible food. He opened each container, and each time was terribly disappointed: the first contained some sort of Spam casserole; the second, a liquefied Spam smoothie; and the third…well, you probably don't even want to know what was in there. Voldemort gave up at this point, slammed the refrigerator door shut, and found himself staring at a grocery list attached to the front by a magnet. It read: "Spam, Spam, Spam, limestone, Spam, gravel, Spam, milk (aged to perfection)."

Voldemort stood, gaping in disbelief. "What is wrong with these people?"

As Draco skipped gleefully down the nature trail, Snape struggled to keep up, astonished by the fact that, despite having already hiked nonstop for three hours, the boy still seemed to lack no energy. But Draco was a very hyperactive teenager, and everything about him screamed "five-year-old;" he moved through the forest like a jackrabbit…a very effeminate jackrabbit.

"Professor Snape, Professor Snape! Look at the birdies!"

Glancing up at the sky, Snape sighed. "Those aren't 'birdies,' Draco. They're vultures. Clearly they sense the death that lies within me…."

With a quick "Hmmph!" Draco responded, "Someone didn't take their happy pills this morning…."

Snape said nothing.

"Oh, come on! The world is our oyster!"

"I'm allergic to oysters," said Snape gloomily. "They make me swell up and die. You wouldn't happen to have any, would you?" he continued with a glimmer of hope in his eye.

"You need cheering up big time, Professor. How 'bout a happy song?"

"Draco, I do not need a happy song right now, OK?"

But Draco wasn't taking "no" for an answer. "Snape-a-dee-doo-da, Snape-a-dee-ay!" he sang cheerfully. "My, oh my, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine heading Snape's way…Snape-a-dee-doo-da, Snape-a-dee-ay!"

"THAT'S IT!" roared the disgruntled potions master / spy / biker / despiser of happy songs. "We're going back to camp! Now! And I do not want to hear about how pretty everything looks on the way there! Got it?"

"Okey dokey, Professor! Lead the way!"

Snape gladly did so, all the while trying not to notice the gleeful skipping of his most naïve and clearly gay student behind him. Of course anyone who owns a dictionary could tell you the word "gay" is synonymous with the word "happy." What did you think I meant, you pervert?

Anyways, to make a long story (which seemed even longer to Snape, having to endure the brat the entire time) short, the two made it back to camp after much hiking…and skipping. There was a serene expression on Snape's face, for he knew now he could finally be alone with his thoughts…his miserable, miserable thoughts. Absolute bliss.

But he was sadly mistaken. "Gee wilikers, Professor! Look who's here!" Yes, Draco indeed was a very "happy" young man.

"So, I felt kind of bad about giving you a hard time earlier…," said Lucius. "So I thought I'd call your little friend here to cheer you up."

Jessie stood there beside Lucius, her bright red hair gleaming in the sunlight and an even brighter smile on her face, completely clueless that she was the last person in the world Snape wanted to see right now. "Hey."

"Hello," Snape grunted.

Lucius chuckled. "We'll leave you two alone. Come along, Draco."

Snape glanced down at his feet as the two Malfoys walked away. He distinctly heard the elder say, "Lovely, isn't it? So, Son…anyone special at Hogwarts? Just wondering." He failed to decipher Draco's reply, but he could have sworn he distinctly heard the words "girls" and "cooties."

"He called me, Lucius did," said Jessie. "He gave me directions to the camp and everything. So…I guess you do have some decent friends after all."

Snape couldn't help but give a small chuckle at this. "Right."

"So…anyways, I thought you might like to see more of the city." She gestured toward the motorcycles parked on the outskirts of the camping site. "Want to go for a ride?"

"Of course!" he promptly replied, mentally scolding himself as soon as he said it. As awkward as their relationship was, and as impossible as it was for him to forget Lily, he could not deny that he thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Jessie. You're just being stupid, he thought to himself. You just met her, after all. Keep an open mind. Yes, that was what he would have to do, if he stood any chance of ever regaining even an ounce of happiness….

"Severus?" said Jessie; Snape started. "Whenever you're done staring off into space, we can leave."

"Very well." Snape led the way toward the motorcycles and mounted his own. He continued to stare at the ground, lost in his thoughts, waiting for Jessie to hop on as well. Finally he looked up to find her on a different, unfamiliar bike. "Well?" she said. "Get on!"

"You?" said Snape scornfully. "You're going to drive that thing?"

"Oh no, I'm dreadful. Had to push this thing all the way here, actually." Jessie rolled her eyes.

Snape responded by also rolling his eyes, but in a much more dramatic fashion. Now that he thought of it, the idea of Jessie driving a motorcycle did not seem so preposterous. He climbed on behind her, and was almost thrown off as she kicked off at full speed, clearly anything but a novice.

If they have even a single janitor in this place, thought Bellatrix as she glanced down the filthy school hallway, he must be blind…and lacking a sense of smell.

Graffiti covered the lockers, the walls, and the floor was coated with dirt. Looking up, she could see many water stains on the ceiling; she wondered how long they had been there. Hanging on the wall at the end of the hallway was a bright red banner with "Goodness Rodents" written across it in big blue letters.

"Goodness…Rodents?" said Bellatrix with disgust. "That's a pretty crappy name for a Quid…um…Muggleball team."

Gianna stared at Bella, an eyebrow raised. "Muggleball? You mean football?"

"Yes, football…Football is what I meant."

"Right, so…where did you leave your MP3 player, again?"

"My what? Oh, right…I…I don't remember."

The doors burst open behind them as the Barnes brothers skipped inside.

"Well, Steve?" said Steve.

"Yes, Steve?" replied Steve.

"I think we should give her the grand tour of our school, don't you think, Steve?"

"Sounds great, Steve!"

"Alright!" James almost shouted with excitement, grabbing Bellatrix by the arm. "Welcome, visitor, to Goodness High School, the awesomest school ever! My name is Jimmy Dawg, and I will be your tour guide this fine morning!"

"Us too!" said the Steves.

"Look," said Bellatrix, trying to jerk her arm away, "I don't have time for your stupid tour, OK? I have to follow…" She trailed off; Gianna was gone, probably off to class. "Where…where did…?"

"Our tour begins," interrupted one of the Steves, "with our lovely school cafeteria! This is where we first discovered our love for Spam…." The brothers sighed, reminiscing fondly. Bellatrix gagged.

"This," continued James, dragging Bellatrix further along down the hall, "is our history classroom. First class of the day!" Looking through a small window on the door, Bella could see Gianna already at her desk. At least she's not off killing people….

Bellatrix showed very little interest at anything else the school had to offer; this Muggle dump had nothing on Hogwarts….

But then, something of interest caught her eye. "What's that?" It was a door not unlike all the others; a sign taped to the front declared it to be the entrance to the school's boiler room. "Boiler room?" Bellatrix stared off into space, picturing quite clearly in her mind the stupid Muggles being boiled alive in hot oil; in her imagination she could almost hear the screams, and it brought to her face a radiant smile.

"Oh, that's always locked. Only the janitor can get in, but it's boring anyway. Come on, I wanna show you the gymnasium!"

"Noooooo," she wailed as she was dragged away yet again, "I wanna see the boiling…."

But there would be no "boiling" today; eventually the tour ended with one last door at the end of one last hallway. "Principal Oldman's office," said James. "Of course, he's probably in our history classroom right now. Let's go, guys, we don't wanna be late…."

"Why would your principal be in the history classroom?" asked Bellatrix.

"Low budget," said Steve. "Principal Oldman also teaches 11th grade history and math."

They arrived at the classroom shortly. This time every seat was filled with a student, except for three, which belonged to the Barnes brothers. A very old man sat at the teacher's desk; he was almost bald, but the little hair remaining was completely gray. His glasses were so thick that Bellatrix wondered if he was legally blind.

"Principal Oldman," said James, "I'd like you to meet our new friend! Um…what did you say your name was again, Picture Lady?"

"Bellatrix," she grunted.

"Right. Can I call you Trixie?"

"No—"

"Principal Oldman, meet Trixie!"

Principal Oldman hopped out of his seat and strode over to meet Bellatrix and the boys; he was obviously not as feeble as he looked. "Pleasure to meet you," he said in a wheezy voice.

"The pleasure's mine," replied Bellatrix, although her tone made it perfectly clear that if there were any pleasure at all, it was his.

"Welcome to my school…."

Bellatrix nodded her head in response, and for the longest time no one said anything. Principal Oldman seemed to stare off into space…then suddenly, he started. "Who the crap is that?" he said, pointing at Bellatrix.

James chuckled. "Senile," he whispered to her. "I told you, Principal Oldman, this is Trixie!"

"Oh, hi, Trixie! Welcome to my school…. Now, where was I, class…?"

Thea raised her hand. "Ancient Egypt, Prinipal Oldman."

"Oh good lord," said the elderly principal in a very frightened tone. "I told 'em time travel would come to no good, I told 'em!"

"No, Principal Oldman, you're at the high school!" said Thea promptly, realizing what he really meant by "Where was I?" "You were teaching us about Ancient Egypt," she continued.

"Oh, right, right…Well, my memory's not so good…How 'bout I tell you kids about the time I single handedly defeated Hitler and won the Vietnam War for the Confederates?" There came a beeping sound from Principal Oldman's wristwatch. "Oh, it's time for my prune break!" He leaned in closer to Bellatrix and whispered, "I do love prunes….They keep me regular, you see."

"Did I…did I really need to know that?"

"To the teacher's lounge!" exclaimed Principal Oldman, who seemed not to hear Bellatrix at all. "Trixie, you're in charge of the class while I'm gone."

"What? No, I—" But he had already sped out the door.

"Insanity," mumbled Bellatrix under her breath. "Absolute insanity…and I know insanity…."

She looked up; the whole class was staring right at her. "So…" She blushed. "Who wants to learn some…totally…rad…killing techniques?"