Scene Four, Part Two

MARIUS:
My dear, this is a day I never can forget.

Is gratitude enough for saving me, Cosette?

Soon, you'll be home with me

And not a day will pass

When I won't prove my love

To you, whom I will call

A saviour to me and a saviour to us all!

COSETTE:
I love you, too, but I digress--

Look, I have something to confess.

You've spoken from the heart

So I guess I will, too.

There's something that I've done

That I concealed from you

That I have to tell.

I never told a soul

So don't tell anyone

But promise you'll still love me

When my story's done.

If not… oh well…

There lived a man whose name was Enjolras

He loved a girl who lived a street across.

He never looked at any other female frame

Each night, he prayed and said her name.

MARIUS:
And the girl?

COSETTE:
She didn't love him, never looked his way.

That never changed, up 'till his dying day.

Then after twenty years went by

She traveled back to that July

She thought she'd choose The Enj instead

Over the other man she'd wed.

MARIUS: (Crushed and devastated, realizing that COSETTE had traveled back in time to choose ENJOLRAS over him.)
You love him.
I won't stop you

Go ahead.

COSETTE:

Marius, babe?

I was wrong, don't you see

Enjolras was a creep.

Yours is the only face

I want to see

When I wake from my sleep.

You proved yourself, I saw that I was a jerk

And I finally see

You are my choice, and the only man

Who is perfect for me.

Do you want me back?
I've treated you like slime!

MARIUS:
Cosette, I'd pick you every time.

COSETTE:
Oh, this is all just too sublime!

(They kiss. It's pretty cute.)

MARIUS: (Spoken) Cosette, I said I would prove myself at the Barricade, and I did save the day… but you heard what my friends were saying. I only did it for the glory. I sacrificed their safety for my own pride.

COSETTE: I know, Marius. And that's what I love so much about you! Because you're not just another guy who saved the day for reasons of Honor and Heroism! That's a freakin' drippy thing to do. That's what Enjolras would do! (Pulls a face) You only did it to impress me, at the risk of everyone else you knew! And that's a jerk thing to do, but it's just the sort of thing I love!

MARIUS: Oh, you are perfect for me.

COSETTE: Yeah, I know.

MARIUS: Ugh, I can't believe Enjolras liked you. I thought he didn't like anyone.

COSETTE: Yeah, Grantaire'll be crushed.

MARIUS: Hey… maybe Enjolras can get together with Eponine!

(They both laugh hysterically.)

Scene Five

(MARIUS and COSETTE's wedding scene! Apparently, they decided to get remarried in the past. They both look adorable.)

CHORUS:
Ring out the bells upon this day of days!
May all the angels of the Lord above
In jubilation sing their songs of praise!
And crown this blessed time with peace and love.

THAT GUY: The Baron de Thénard and the Baron Seigneur de Temps wish to pay their respects to the groom!

(THENARDIER enters, all dressed up… with MONTPARNASSE, who is also all dressed up and toting along a cane.)

THENARDIER:
I forget, where we met—

MARIUS:
Cut the antics, I really don't care.

COSETTE:
How did you

Get back here?
How did you get untied from that chair?

THENARDIER:
Had some help from a friend

Knew I had to come back in the end.

MARIUS:
Go away, Thenardier

Did you think I don't know who you are? (Turns to MONTPARNASSE)
Montparnasse

Finally

Let's go home-- this has all been bizarre.

MONTPARNASSE:
Not just yet, har har har!

COSETTE: (Spoken) Can we please just stop singing for a moment? This is serious.

MONTPARNASSE: (Spoken) But I've barely gotten to sing at all!

COSETTE: It's certainly an improvement on the first Les Miserables. Did you enjoy your one line?

MONTPARNASSE: (Pouting in a most unparnassish manner) Two. They added, 'This is his lair, I've seen the old fox around' for me.

COSETTE: Well, that's not important—

MONTPARNASSE: Plus, I'm in the ensemble.

COSETTE: I—

MONTPARNASSE: I usually get a few miscellaneous other lines in other roles, if I'm lucky. If the cast is really small, I—

COSETTE: Are you just trying to get as many lines in as possible?

MONTPARNASSE: Yes. Yes, I am.

COSETTE: What I was going to say is, I'm beginning to suspect something is up.

MARIUS AND MONTPARNASSE: What?

COSETTE: Montparnasse took me back in time, and also Marius, correct?

MONTPARNASSE: Indeed.

COSETTE: And we changed things in the past, correct?

MONTPARNASSE: Indubitably.

COSETTE: But Thenardier never successfully robbed my house before.

MONTPARNASSE: Ah.

COSETTE: And I can't think of any actions of mine or Marius' that would affect that.

MONTPARNASSE: Oh.

COSETTE: So tell me, what is the meaning of all of this?

THENARDIER: Oh, I'll tell you, Suzie-Q! I was doing fine and dandy down in America, but one day, I woke up, and I said to meself, "Eugene—"

COSETTE: Why 'Eugene?'

THENARDIER: 'Cos that's me name. Anyways, 'Eugene,' I says, 'It's a right shame you never got back at that good-for-nothing Jean-Val-Whatshisface.' And then I remembered, 'Oh, Eugene, you are a clever one, you are. On account of you have a friend what's a time lord!' So I calls him up, and we come up with a cunning scheme. And the scheme was to bring that pansy-pants, pouncy-boots, pasty-face little Pontmercy back in time and get him to bring Javert to Valjean's place. And I dare say it worked a charm, only (jerks thumb at Cosette) I didn't 'zactly plan on that one tying me to a chair and kickin' me down the stairs, like.

COSETTE: Yes, a few people seem to be, for some reason. You can't grow up with a neurotically overprotective, paranoid, inhumanly strong father without knowing a thing or two about self-defense.

MARIUS: (Much less calmly than anyone else in the scene) Wait a minute, wait a minute, this whole 'go back in time, prove your worth, and impress Cosette' thing was just a ruse to get Valjean arrested?

MONTPARNASSE: Pretty much.

MARIUS: So everything you said to me was a lie.

MONTPARNASSE: It's what I do.

MARIUS: (Bursting into tears) Montparnasse, I trusted you!

MONTPARNASSE: Well, that was certainly a stupid idea. Why would you trust a shadowy man you meet in an alleyway who refers to himself as the 'fop of the house of death?'

MARIUS: Well, you did sing that awfully convincing little song.

MONTPARNASSE: Marius, how did we first meet?

MARIUS: … you pulled a knife on me in Look Down/The Robbery.

MONTPARNASSE: Yes. Well, I rest my case. You as a lawyer should know that your reasons for trusting me would not hold up in court. Goodbye, darlings. (Begins to strut off.)

MARIUS: You get back here! Where do you think you're going?

MONTPARNASSE: The 1950's. I plan on stealing absolutely everything of Elvis Presley's.

MARIUS: No, you don't. You're taking us back to our time period.

MONTPARNASSE: Nothing doing. You as a lawyer should know that if I never signed a contract, I am not legally required to take you back. I only told you I'd take you to the past.

MARIUS: But I have responsibilities!

MONTPARNASSE: Then wait twenty-five years! (He is about to press the button on his cane, when THENARDIER snatches the cane from him.) What in the name of Vidocq are you doing, man?

THENARDIER: I still haven't got my revenge, mate. I'm not givin' up until Jean Valjean pays, for good!

MARIUS: He'll be dead in a scene. Isn't that revenge enough?

(THENARDIER and MONTPARNASSE begin an epic battle the cane. All of the wedding guests are watching in earnest confusion as these two men engage in an odd little tug of war.)

MONTPARNASSE: Wouldn't do that if I were you, old man. I'm a time lord. You don't know how to handle this kind of power.

THENARDIER: Oh, yeah? Well I say why should you get to be old Mister High-and-Mighty Time Lord? You're just 'Parnasse. I've knowed you since you was a little nipper. I says, why shouldn't I be a time lord, eh? You're no better off than me, I reckon. I was at Waterloo—what have you ever done with your life? You only had two lines.

MONTPARNASSE: (Pulling on the cane with all of his strength and grunting) You know why I only had two lines? (THENARDIER shakes his head, yanking the cane.) Because was too busy being a time lord to bother with the rest of the musical.

(He gives one final mighty yank the cane goes flying into the air THENARDIER catches it and flips open the top.)

THENARDIER: At last, my arm is complete!

MONTPARNASSE: Oh shut up.

(THENARDIER is about to push the button.)

MONTPARNASSE: I would not do that if I were you.

(THENARDIER cackles, pushes the button, and a blade pops out and stabs him through the heart.)

MONTPARNASSE: (Calmly) Wrong button. Told you I wouldn't do that if I were you. (Calmly takes the cane off of Thenardier's dead body and popping the blade back into the cane.)

(Everyone at the weddings is staring in horror at Thenardier's bloody corpse.)

MONTPARNASSE: (Muttering to himself.) Respect the lingre.

(Humongous awkward silence.)

MARIUS: (Clutching Cosette and looking around at the assembled group.) Excuse us a moment.

(They run off.)

MONTPARNASSE: (Kicking the bloody corpse into a corner and wiping his bloody gloves on his frock coat.)

Ain't it a laugh

Ain't it a treat

I'm standing here

Thenardier's beat.

There goes his scene

I get his song

I've wanted this

For so very long.

Corpse is at my feet

Blood is on the ground

I'll step in as a lead

And turn this show around!

Master of deceit

Genius in tight pants

Wanted him dead all along

And took my chance.

Everywhere you go
Extras with small parts

Some move up to leads

But most have broken hearts.

Singing every night ensemble

Praying to fill in for leads

But I'm the one who stabs

And I'm the one who grabs

Roles and succeeds.

Watch the buggers gasp

Stare in jealousy

All the other extras

Wish that they were me.

Master of deceit

Working toward my goal

Brought him back in time

So I could steal his role!
I know how to steal a show, and

That's literally what I do.

So call me crazy, baby

Maybe next time I'll be playing you!