TITLE: Match Game DS9

AUTHOR, AUTHOR: Jamie August

RATING: PG for innuendo only.

SUMMARY: Quark. Dukat. Federation baddies. Stupid game shows. Fun with force-fields. Spontaneously combusting Weyoun clones. Raging insults. Drunk Damar. And a partridge in a pear tree.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Just borrowing. I promise to return everyone to the places I found them. Except Dukat. I can't stand to think of him trapped in the fire caves with the Pah-wraiths. I've unofficially rescued him and we're going to join Willy Wonka at the Chocolate Factory a little bit later. All hail Paramount the mighty. All hail whoever the heck owns the Match Game. All hail the actors. Please don't sue me, I'm afraid of courtrooms. And men in black robes. Oh, and clowns. Clowns are scary.

FEEDBACK: Yeah! Fun, fun, fun! [email protected]

A/N: Too much Game Show Network. Not enough sleep. A handy-dandy notebook and pen. A weird sense of humor. A bizarre obsession with Dukat. Be afraid, be VERY afraid.

Match Game DS9

Dramatis Personae:

Your host - Quark

Your panelists - Dukat, Damar, Weyoun, Some Original Betazoid (SOB), Brunt, & Michael Eddington.

The contestants - Jack Ashe & Shirley Imadummi

{We open on a sound stage somewhere on Deep Space Nine. There are two human contestants seated on one side, the panelists are seated across from them on two levels. On the top tier, left to right are DUKAT, DAMAR, and WEYOUN. On the bottom tier are SOB, BRUNT, and EDDINGTON. None of them look particularly thrilled to be there. Standing between the contestants and the panelists is QUARK, who also looks less-than-thrilled to be your host. As the camera zooms in on him, he sighs.}

QUARK: {extremely unenthusiastically} Welcome to the Match Game Deep Space Nine. I'm your host, Quark, and these hew-mons to my right are the contestants for this game. A word of explanation about the panel, though. You may have noticed these guys don't exactly seem the types to participate in this game willingly. Well, you're right! They're not! Everyone on the panel has committed some sort of crime against the Federation. This is part of their punishment! Let's all laugh at them, shall we?

{The handful of people in the audience stare at him blankly. Someone coughs.}

QUARK: Well, anyway. These are our contestants, Jack Ashe and Shirley Imadummi. {he stops and stares at the card he's reading from.} This is a joke, right? I mean, those aren't your real names, are they?

JACK: Yes.

SHIRLEY: What about it?

QUARK: {snickers} Nevermind. So, here's the way this stupid hew-mon game works.

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Quark, what did I tell you about saying 'hew-mon'? If you do it one more time, you don't get paid!

QUARK: All right, all right! The game works like this. Jack, you go first. I'll say a phrase off one of these dumb little orange cards, and you just fill in the blank verbally. Then we look to this -ahem- bright group of panelists, who will have written their answers on those little blue cards. You get a point for each panelist who matches your answer. You each do that three times, and whoever gets the most matches at the end goes on to the audience match and then gets to play for big money. Yay. Are we ready to play, Jack?

JACK: Yeah! Oh, boy, I can't wait!

QUARK: Uh, right. If you say so. Here's the first round question to Mr. Jack Ashe. The Klingon chef's cooking was worse than usual today. He said it was heart of targ, but it tasted more like -blank-. Got that? {annoying music plays while the panelists write their answers.} Okay, everyone done writing? Jack, what do you say? It tasted more like . . .

JACK: A tribble!

QUARK: How would you know? Let's see what the panel said. Like I care. Dukat?

{DUKAT holds up his card. It reads, KIRA.}

QUARK: I'm not sure I want to know what you mean. Anyhow, it's not a match. Damar?

{DAMAR holds up his card. It reads, KANAR.}

QUARK: Is that your answer or a drink order?

DAMAR: A drink order.

QUARK: Well, talk to Rom about it. No match, by the way. Weyoun? The heart of targ tasted more like, what?

{WEYOUN holds up his card. It reads, WE VORTA HAVE NO TASTEBUDS.}

QUARK: {sighs} Of course you don't. SOB?

{SOB holds up his card. It reads, A TRIBBLE.}

QUARK: Ooh, the telepath matched. Big surprise. Brunt, what's your stupid answer?

{BRUNT holds up his card. It reads, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!}

QUARK: I agree, but that's not a match. We're looking for 'a tribble'. Eddington?

{EDDINGTON holds up his card. It reads, SISKO SUCKS! JOIN THE MAQUIS!}

QUARK: Right. I think some of you may have missed the point of the stupid game. Moving on, here's your question, Shirley. Vinnie the Vulcan said, My blind date last night was so ugly, I kissed her and my -blank- fell off. {the really annoying music plays again while the panelists write their answers. I mean, REALLY annoying music, worse even than Jeopardy.} Shirley?

SHIRLEY: Oh, gee, that's a tough one. Um, my lips fell off.

QUARK: They did? You look fine to me. Hey, want to get together later in one of my holosuites and -

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Just stick to the script, Quark! No ad-libbing!

QUARK: Oh, fine. Shirley, let's see if you matched anyone other than the Betazoid. Dukat, Vinnie the Vulcan kissed the ugly blind date and his what fell off?

{DUKAT holds up his card. It reads, EMBRACE THE LOVE OF THE PAH-WRAITHS!}

QUARK: No match. I'm shocked. Damar?

DAMAR: Yeah, I'm shocked, too. I thought that would be a match.

QUARK: {sighs} What was your answer?

{DAMAR holds up his card: THE DOMINION IS RUINING MY LIFE!}

QUARK: Did we forget to tell you the war is over?

DAMAR: It is?

WEYOUN: Wait a minute. Isn't Damar dead?

DAMAR: Aren't you?

BRUNT: I thought Dukat was supposed to be dead, too!

DUKAT: Not to mention Eddington.

QUARK: That's right! Hey, what's going on here?

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Ha-ha, pay no attention to the inconsistencies in the timeline! I am the great and powerful Oz! Er, I mean, stick to the script!

QUARK: You know, I never noticed before what a high fatality rate we have around here.

DUKAT: Especially since the Weyoun clones have the average life-expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer.

WEYOUN: Thanks in part to Damar.

DAMAR: What? That was a transporter accident, I swear!

DUKAT: Transporter accident. That's a good one!

DAMAR: Thanks.

QUARK: Ahem. May I remind you, the sooner we get this stupid game over with, the sooner we can leave? Now, Weyoun, the ugly blind date, the Vulcan's what fell off?

{WEYOUN holds up his card, which reads, I SERVE THE FOUNDERS IN ALL THINGS!}

QUARK: Did anybody bother to explain the rules to these guys? All right, telepath, you wrote the same answer as Shirley, didn't you?

{SOB holds up his card. It, predictably, reads, LIPS.}

QUARK: Well, at least one of you paid attention to the object of the game. Brunt, what stupid thing did you write down?

{BRUNT holds up his card: WHO DO I HAVE TO BRIBE TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL-HOLE?}

QUARK: If I knew that, do you think I'd still be here? What did you come up with, Eddington? More Maquis propaganda?

{EDDINGTON holds up his card. It reads, MAQUIS RULES! DEATH TO CARDASSIA!}

QUARK: It figures.

DUKAT: What did he say about Cardassia?

EDDINGTON: What do you care? You're dead, anyway.

DUKAT: Well, since you're also dead, I guess it won't matter if I kill you again. {he jumps up and starts to chase EDDINGTON around the set, and around QUARK, who tries to duck out of the way.}

QUARK: Now, hold it a minute! Guys, just hold on - Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Ack! Help! Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!

{The show fades out and is replaced by a mother and daughter walking on the beach, talking about 'that not-so-fresh feeling'. After a ton of commercials, the show comes back on. There's broken glass littering the floor, and WEYOUN looks scared to death.}

QUARK: Well, we're back. At least, most of us are. During the break, an out-and-out brawl broke out among the panel, and Weyoun was killed.

DAMAR: Heh-heh-heh. {everyone stares at him.} I mean, uh, what an unfortunate accident. Yeah, that's it. Unfortunate. Accident. Yeah.

QUARK: As I was saying, since Weyoun was killed, one of his clones was activated. I don't know what number this one is, and I don't care. Moving on to round two, here's Jack Ashe's question. After taking one look at Seven of Nine, Billy the Borg said, Since resistance is futile, you can -blank- me anytime! {the annoying music plays while the answers are written. The camera pans across the audience members, who are yawning and looking very bored.} What do you say, Jack?

JACK: Uh, you can get jiggy with me anytime.

QUARK: No thanks. What did you write, Dukat?

{DUKAT holds up his card. It reads only, #!@?}

QUARK: Okay, you can't say that on television, but the judges say it's a match. I don't believe it, but that's what they say. Damar, can you quit snickering long enough to show us your answer?

{DAMAR holds up his card: DEATH TO WEYOUN!}

WEYOUN: Hey!

QUARK: Uh, moving on, Weyoun, what does your card say?

{WEYOUN holds up the card. It reads, BLANK.}

QUARK: I don't believe it. The Vorta actually wrote 'blank'! Well, now we have to skip over SOB, the one sane person on the panel, because he matched Jack in the first round. So, let's move on and laugh at Brunt's dumb answer. Billy the Borg said, You can -blank- me anytime.

{BRUNT holds up his card. He wrote, I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL!}

QUARK: Aren't we all. Eddington, I'm almost afraid to ask what you wrote.

{EDDINGTON holds up his card. It reads, ASK ME HOW YOU CAN JOIN THE MAQUIS!}

DAMAR: Hey, that rhymed! {everyone stares at him.} What? It did!

QUARK: Okay, round two question for Shirley Imadummi. Once again, since the telepath matched Shirley in the first round, he doesn't play now. Here we go. The pet store owner said to the near-sighted Klingon, Hey, put down that bat'leth! That's not a tribble, it's my -blank-! {annoying music, more annoying music. Oddly enough, WEYOUN starts tapping his toes to the annoying music.} Okay, Shirley. That's not a tribble -

SHIRLEY: It's my wife!

QUARK: Well, we'll see, won't we? Dukat?

{DUKAT holds up his card. It reads, YOUR MOTHER.}

QUARK: My mother? Hey, what did you say about Moogie? Why, I oughtta come up there and -

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Quark! Move on to Damar! Now!

QUARK: We'll settle this later. Damar? That's not a tribble, it's my, what?

{DAMAR holds up his card, which reads, NEW WEYOUN CLONE.}

QUARK: It's my new Weyoun clone? But why would you keep the Klingon away from him? Does that make sense?

DAMAR: You didn't let me finish! {holds up a second card. This one reads, ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON'T PUT DOWN THE BAT'LETH! HE WENT THAT WAY! GET HIM!}

QUARK: Oh, for the love of the Nagus. Whatever. Weyoun?

{WEYOUN holds up his card. It reads, I PLEDGE MY LIFE TO THE FOUNDERS!}

QUARK: Why am I not surprised. Brunt? That's not a tribble, it's my what?

{BRUNT holds up his card. He wrote, WONDERFUL, WISE NAGUS.}

QUARK: Suck up. Eddington, what stupid Maquis slogan did you write this time?

{EDDINGTON holds up his card: MY WIFE}

QUARK: Unbelievable. He matched, and he didn't mention the Maquis!

{EDDINGTON holds up a second card: MY WIFE, WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE IN THE MAQUIS!}

QUARK: Oh, well. Shirley, this means you and Jack are tied with two matches each.

SHIRLEY: Hey, that's great. Oh, has anyone else noticed how alike Weyoun and Brunt look? I mean, I was just sitting here noticing that and thinking, wow, they look a lot alike!

WEYOUN: {looks at BRUNT} We do?

BRUNT: {looks at WEYOUN} What are you talking about? We don't look anything alike! For one thing, I'm nowhere near that ugly! I mean, his lobes are non-existent! Look at how beautiful my lobes are.

QUARK: I think I'm going to be sick. Cut for commercial!

{The show fades out and is replaced by an ad for Depend adult diapers. A ton of ads later, the show comes back on. We notice that WEYOUN looks less-than-happy, and DAMAR has a force-field around his chair.}

QUARK: Well, we're back. While we were at commercial, Weyoun had another unfortunate accident. You may have noticed the force-field around Damar. Just a precaution.

DAMAR: But I didn't do it! It was that Ferengi who looks like Weyoun!

BRUNT: It wasn't me! It was an accident. Think about it. How could I have made that lighting fixture fall on him?

DUKAT: I could think of a few ways.

PRODUCER: {off-screen} It was an accident! Get back to the game!

QUARK: Yeah, yeah. It's time for round three with Jack Ashe. Since they actually matched him in the first two rounds, Dukat and SOB don't play this final round with Jack. Okay. Here's the question. The Ferengi loan shark - Hey! I don't think I like where this is going!

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Just read the card, Quark. Or else I'll get Rom to do it, and I'll pay him more!

QUARK: I really don't need this. {sighs} All right. The Ferengi loan shark sure is mean. If you don't pay him back, instead of cutting off your loan, he cuts off your -blank-. {while the annoying music plays and the panelists write, QUARK complains.} I protest! This question makes no sense. We Ferengi don't loan money!

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Oh, Rom!

QUARK: Nevermind! Okay, Jack, he cuts off your what?

JACK: Head.

QUARK: Right. Just the kind of unimaginative answer I've come to expect from you. Damar?

DUKAT: You skipped me.

QUARK: You don't play this time! You already matched Jack!

DUKAT: Well, I wrote something anyway. {holds up card which reads, SHIRLEY, I'LL MEET YOU BACKSTAGE AFTER THE SHOW.}

QUARK: {sighs} Damar?

{DAMAR holds up card which reads, THE DOMINION SUCKS! I'M REVOLTING!}

QUARK: No more so than usual.

DAMAR: Huh?

QUARK: {snickers} Moving on. Weyoun, the loan shark cuts off your what?

{WEYOUN holds up his card: I'M IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE! I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO DAMAR ANYMORE!}

QUARK: Okay, that's not a match. Brunt, what did you -

WEYOUN: Hey, doesn't anyone care that somebody keeps killing me?

ALL: . . .

WEYOUN: {sighs} Good thing I have plenty of clones left.

QUARK: Brunt, let's see your stupid response.

{BRUNT holds up a blank card.}

QUARK: I don't get it. You're supposed to write an answer.

BRUNT: Trust me, it wouldn't have matched.

QUARK: I don't think you can do that.

BRUNT: Fine, then I refuse to answer on grounds that it's a racist question and it offends me.

QUARK: If you say so. I don't really care. Eddington, the loan shark cuts off what? Jack's looking for 'head'.

DUKAT: I'm sure he is.

DAMAR: Huh?

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Dukat!

DUKAT: What?

PRODUCER: {OS} Keep the innuendo to yourself! And quit hitting on Shirley!

DUKAT: Or what?

SHIRLEY: He was hitting on me?

PRODUCER: {OS} Or I'll stick you back down in the fire caves with the Pah-wraiths.

DUKAT: Oh.

PRODUCER: {OS} Well?

DUKAT: I'm thinking.

SHIRLEY: He was hitting on me?

QUARK: Yes, you idiot! Can we get this over with so I can go home? Eddington!

{EDDINGTON holds up his card. He's written, SISKO REALLY SUCKS! THE MAQUIS IS BETTER!}

DUKAT: I'm getting sick of all this Maquis drivel.

EDDINGTON: Yeah? What're you gonna do about it, spoonhead?

DUKAT: I'll show you what I'm going to do! {he jumps down to the bottom tier and begins chasing EDDINGTON again.}

QUARK: Oh, no, not again! Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!

{They fade into a commercial for hemorrhoid cream. After a ton of ads, they come back. WEYOUN looks REALLY upset now, and both DUKAT and EDDINGTON have force-fields around their chairs. QUARK has the beginnings of a black eye and is glaring at DUKAT.}

QUARK: We're back. As you can see, there are now force-fields around Dukat and Eddington. Hopefully that will keep them from hurting any more innocent bystanders, since I don't particularly care if they kill each other. Also, there was a bit of a mishap with Weyoun's microphone while we were at commercial.

DAMAR: Yeah, the Vorta got fried!

QUARK: So, because of that, we have yet another clone joining us.

WEYOUN: This isn't funny.

QUARK: {snickers} Whatever. Anyway, the score is still tied at two. Shirley, here's your last question of the round. SOB and Eddington don't play this time. I wish I could say the same for everyone else, but the producer has informed me that we have to play the rest of the game or else you're all going to be thrown back into Federation prison, and me with you.

DUKAT: Compared to this, that's actually starting to sound pretty good.

QUARK: Yeah, that's what I thought until I was told the plan is to throw us all in the same cell.

ALL EXCEPT DAMAR: Nooo!!!

DAMAR: Hey, that means I'd get another shot at Weyoun! {everyone glares at him} Oh. I mean, uh, nooo!!!

QUARK: Let's just get this over with. Shirley, They took away the senile Bajoran organ-grinder when they caught him -blanking- his monkey. {the annoying music starts.} Oh, good grief. Who writes these things?

PRODUCER: {off-screen} The same people who sign your checks.

QUARK: Oh. Right. Shirley? They caught the organ-grinder -blanking- the monkey.

SHIRLEY: {giggles} Oh, can I say this? Um, spanking?

QUARK: Spanking the monkey? Well, don't you have a dirty mind! Listen, that offer of the holosuites is still open if you want to -

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Quark!

QUARK: What?!

PRODUCER: {OS} If I won't let Dukat hit on the contestants, why should I let you?

DUKAT: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I think I should be allowed to hit on the contestants. Well, the female contestants, I mean.

SHIRLEY: They were hitting on me?

PRODUCER: {OS} Argh!!! {several banging and crashing noises come from offstage.}

QUARK: Wow. That poor cameraman.

DAMAR: Yeah. I didn't think the producer looked strong enough to throw him that far.

DUKAT: Oh, human women are much stronger than they look.

DAMAR: Really?

DUKAT: Trust me.

QUARK: Well. Okay. Getting back to the game. They caught the Bajoran organ-grinder -blanking- his monkey. Dukat, I don't think I really want to know what you wrote.

{DUKAT holds up his card. It reads, #!@?#!@}

QUARK: I was right. What's wrong with you?!

DUKAT: Did you know #!@? is actually a Cardassian word?

QUARK: No. No, I didn't. Damar?

DAMAR: I didn't know that, either! {to DUKAT} Are you sure you're not making that up?

QUARK: {slaps a hand over his eyes} Damar, what does your CARD say?!

DAMAR: Oh! {holds up his card. It reads, WATCH OUT, WEYOUN! THERE'S ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK COMING UP!}

WEYOUN: Are you sure he can't get out of that force-field?

QUARK: No. So, what's your card say?

{WEYOUN holds up his card: HELP ME!}

QUARK: Oh, no. Brunt, please tell me you wrote 'spanking' on that card, because if you didn't, it means we have to go to a tie-breaker.

BRUNT: Ooh, too bad. {holds up his card. It reads, UNDER-CHARGING}

QUARK: Under-charging?! They caught him under-charging his monkey?! {throws his microphone at BRUNT} You idiot! Did you really think that would match a human contestant?!

BRUNT: Did I really care?

QUARK: Oh, cut to commercial!

{They fade out on QUARK glaring daggers at BRUNT. An image of a dancing maxi-pad fills the screen. After about ten such ads, the show comes back. DUKAT and DAMAR look extremely amused, WEYOUN looks like he wants to cry, and BRUNT now has the beginnings of a black eye.}

QUARK: Well, here we still are. During the break, something very strange happened. Not only did Weyoun die again, this time he spontaneously combusted! {to DUKAT} You just HAD to make that comment about Spinal Tap, didn't you?

DUKAT: Hey, how was I supposed to know that would happen? Maybe it was just a defective clone.

WEYOUN: The Weyoun clones are not defective!

DAMAR: What about number six? He was defective.

QUARK: I think you mean he was a defector.

DAMAR: What's the difference?

DUKAT: Longer life-span.

QUARK: All right, so this is the tie-breaker round. Which, by the way, wouldn't be necessary if it weren't for Brunt.

BRUNT: Hey, I gave a perfectly reasonable response! It's not my fault she was focused on spanking!

QUARK: I don't care! Shut up! The more you talk, the longer we have to stay here! Here's how the tie-breaker works. I read this stupid card and the contestants write down their responses. Then the panelists give verbal responses and if one of them should actually say what's written on your card, congratulations. Now, only Damar, Weyoun, and Brunt are playing this round, because they're the three idiots who haven't matched anyone yet.

WEYOUN: I must object to being called an idiot. I haven't had the chance to match anyone. I just got here!

QUARK: Well, none of the other Weyouns matched.

WEYOUN: Speaking of which, I want a full investigation of my predecessor's death.

DAMAR: {snickers} Which one?

WEYOUN: All of them! Especially the spontaneous combustion!

BRUNT: Oh, come on. How could any of us have set THAT up?

DUKAT: I could think of a few ways.

PRODUCER: {off-screen} Get back to the game!

DUKAT: Or what, you'll throw a cameraman at us?

QUARK: Here's the tie-breaker! Everyone shut up! Here's the phrase. It's ridiculously easy. -Blank- birthday. Got it? -Blank- birthday. {indicates JACK and SHIRLEY while the annoying music plays} You two write down your responses. Okay? Okay. Damar, what do you say?

DAMAR: About what?

QUARK: Weren't you listening? Do I have to explain it again?!

DUKAT: Don't bother. I never explained anything to him. I've found that if you keep him loaded up on kanar, it keeps him quiet and compliant.

WEYOUN: Really? That never worked for me. It just made him more surly and disagreeable.

DUKAT: What do you know? You've only been alive for five minutes.

DAMAR: Why is everyone talking about me like I'm not here?

QUARK: HELLO! Would you like to focus on the game now? -Blank- birthday, Damar.

DAMAR: What? It's my birthday?

QUARK: Is that your answer? It's my birthday.

DAMAR: It is?

QUARK: No! It's - well, the judges say we have to accept that as your answer. Did either of you write that? No? What a surprise. Weyoun?

DAMAR: What answer? What's he talking about?

DUKAT: Nevermind, Damar. Have another bottle of kanar.

DAMAR: Oh. Okay.

QUARK: {sighs} Weyoun?

WEYOUN: I refuse to play until my predecessor's death is looked into.

QUARK: You're expendable, you know.

WEYOUN: {gulps} Right. Uh, I'm not really familiar with birthdays -

DAMAR: Off with his head!

WEYOUN: No!

DUKAT: Oh, like you're not going to die during the next commercial anyway.

QUARK: Forget it! Let's just move on to Brunt. Brunt, I swear if you don't match one of these two, you'll be the next to die.

BRUNT: Ooh, I'm scared.

QUARK: You should be. Now just tell me your stupid answer. And it better match one of our HUMAN contestants.

BRUNT: Oh, fine. Happy birthday.

SHIRLEY: Ooh, that's mine!

JACK: Mine, too!

DAMAR: Whose birthday is it? C'mon, tell me!

QUARK: Wait a minute. You both wrote 'happy birthday'?

JACK & SHIRLEY: Uh-huh.

QUARK: Oh, no. I am not going through another tie-breaker! Let's just say Shirley's the winner.

SHIRLEY: Okay!

JACK: Hey, you can't do that!

QUARK: Yes I can. I just did. Now, let's take another commercial break and then -

WEYOUN: No! I keep dying during commercials! No more commercials! I mean it! No more -

{Fade into a shot of a woman chasing a man around the grocery store with a bottle of laxative. When they do come back from commercial, WEYOUN looks like he's ready to kill the next person who looks at him the wrong way. Once again, DUKAT and DAMAR seem ready to laugh out loud.}

QUARK: Okay, we're back and we're almost finished with this stupid game. And it's about time!

PRODUCER: {OS} Quark! Remember what we talked about?

QUARK: Oh, yeah. I mean, ahem, back to our wonderful game now. Yay.

PRODUCER: {OS, sarcastically} Right, that's much better.

QUARK: I'm having SO much fun. I wish this game would NEVER end.

PRODUCER: {OS} Don't push it.

QUARK: Whatever you say. All right, getting back to the game -

WEYOUN: Aren't you forgetting something?

QUARK: Oh, that's right! {snickers} We are all shocked and saddened by the demise of yet another Weyoun clone. Aren't we?

DUKAT: Oh, yes. Shocked.

DAMAR: {snickers} And saddened.

WEYOUN: I demand an investigation! A person's head does not explode without cause!

SHIRLEY: Sometimes they do. Like in "The Fury" or "Scanners".

QUARK: THANK you, Shirley. Now -

BRUNT: Ew, there are little pieces of Weyoun on my chair!

DAMAR: And on your head.

BRUNT: Ew! Get it off! Get it off! {frantically wipes at his head.}

DAMAR: Boy, I'm glad this force-field was here to protect me from those little pieces of Weyoun.

WEYOUN: I find nothing funny about this!

DUKAT: Then you're not looking hard enough.

QUARK: Okay, back to the game. We can laugh at Weyoun later.

WEYOUN: Hey, this isn't funny!

QUARK: This is the audience match round, Shirley. On that board behind us, there's a phrase and the top three answers given to us by yesterday's audience.

SHIRLEY: But I already know how to play the game.

QUARK: Yeah, but I don't get paid unless I explain. Anyway, you get one hundred bars of gold-pressed latinum for the number three answer, two hundred fifty for the second most popular match, and five hundred for the first. You get to choose three of the panelists to give you their best suggestions, then you can choose one of their answers, although with this group, that might not be such a bright idea -

PRODUCER: {OS} Keep the commentary to yourself, Quark!

QUARK: All right, all right. You can choose one of the panelists' stupid answers or use whatever you can think of. Got it? Do I need to talk slower?

SHIRLEY: I got it. I already told you I know the rules.

QUARK: Right. So, here's the stupid phrase. Tube -blank-. Now you get to pick three of these guys to help you out. What a joke. Anyway. Shirley?

SHIRLEY: Uh, okay. Hmm. {looks over the panel with a hopeless expression on her face.} Um, SOB, I guess.

SOB: Tube of lipstick.

SHIRLEY: Hey, that's what I was thinking!

SOB: Well, duh. Telepath, remember?

QUARK: Who else, Shirley?

SHIRLEY: Oh. Gee. Well, how about Eddington?

EDDINGTON: Tube bombs.

SHIRLEY: Huh? What's a tube bomb?

EDDINGTON: Well, it's kind of like a pipe bomb.

QUARK: Leave it to a terrorist to come up with an answer like that.

EDDINGTON: Hey, the Maquis aren't terrorists! The Cardassians are the terrorists!

DUKAT: Yeah, yeah, we get it. Everyone hates us. Get over it.

QUARK: Uh, okay, Shirley. One more.

SHIRLEY: Yeah. Okay, then, Brunt.

QUARK: What? Are you kidding?

SHIRLEY: Um, no?

QUARK: {sighs} Okay, it's your choice. Brunt? And please remember this is a HUMAN game!

BRUNT: Tube grubs.

QUARK: You idiot! How many humans would say that? Shirley, what do you say?

SHIRLEY: {stares at the board for a long time, considering her options} You know what? I think I'm gonna go with Brunt and say tube grubs.

QUARK: What?! Have you lost your mind? Oh, I give up. What's the number three response? {The card slides away and the #3 answer is revealed} Tires. Tube tires? Huh. Well, let's see number two. {The card slides away from the #2 response} Top. I don't get it. What's a tube top?

DUKAT: A blessing on the right woman and a curse on the wrong one.

QUARK: Oh. Well, what's the number one answer? Feeling a little nervous, Shirley?

SHIRLEY: Well, now that you mention it -

QUARK: Slide the card! {The card slides away and the #1 answer is : GRUBS} I don't believe it. I really don't believe it.

BRUNT: So, who's the idiot now, Quark? Ha!

PRODUCER: {OS} Did I forget to mention that yesterday's audience was predominately Ferengi?

QUARK: Yes. Yes, you did. {sighs} It's time for the final round. Hey, that means we can leave after this! Okay, Shirley. Pick one of these guys and I'll read this card and you'll try to match each other. If you match, you win ten times the amount you've already got, which comes out to five thousand bars of latinum. Who would you like to try and match? {stares pointedly at SOB} Think really hard, Shirley. Who would be most likely to match you? {stares even more pointedly at SOB}

SHIRLEY: I think I'll go with Brunt.

QUARK: {jaw drops open} Huh?! Are you serious? You can't be serious!

SHIRLEY: Uh-huh.

QUARK: When she loses, can I keep the prize money?

PRODUCER: No!

QUARK: Well, I hate to think of all that latinum going to waste.

PRODUCER: Quark, I'm warning you . . .

DAMAR: Watch out, she might throw a cameraman at you!

QUARK: Oh, all right then. Brunt, write down your response to this, and remember you're trying to match a human contestant.

BRUNT: I can see that! Do you think I'm blind or something?

QUARK: Or something. Anyway, here it is: Rules of -blank-. Okay? Write faster. We're waiting.

BRUNT: I'm writing as fast as I can! Give me a break! Okay. Done.

QUARK: Okay, Shirley. Rules of -blank-. What do you think Brunt wrote?

SHIRLEY: Acquisition! It has to be acquisition!

QUARK: Rules of Acquisition. Makes sense to me. Brunt?

BRUNT: Uh-oh.

QUARK: What?

BRUNT: Don't yell at me.

SHIRLEY: Oh, no.

QUARK: What did you do, Brunt?!

BRUNT: Well . . . {holds up card} Rules of engagement.

SHIRLEY: Nooo!

QUARK: What?! Did you leave your lobes at home today?

BRUNT: Well, it's your fault! You kept yelling at me to think 'human'!

SHIRLEY: But you never did! That's why I was trying to think 'Ferengi'!

QUARK: You're both idiots! The game is over. You only leave with the five hundred bars of latinum you won in the audience match. Now I'm going home! Good riddance! {throws down his microphone and stomps offstage}

SHIRLEY: {looks around nervously} Um . . .

DAMAR: Now what?

BRUNT: Hey, Shirley, since I helped you win the latinum in the audience match, how about you split it with me?

DAMAR: Hey, Brunt, you still have little pieces of Weyoun on your head.

BRUNT: Ew! Ew! I'm getting out of here before he explodes again! {jumps up and runs out of the studio, wiping his head}

SOB: Shirley, how about you and I ditch these guys and go get a cheeseburger?

SHIRLEY: Hey, that's just what I was thinking! Wow! {they leave arm-in-arm}

DUKAT: {rolls his eyes} Well, I didn't see that coming.

WEYOUN: Wait! Come back! I demand an investigation into the deaths of my predecessors on this show! I'm not leaving until - {suddenly a flock of vultures fly into the studio and attack WEYOUN. After reducing him to nothing but a small pile of bones, they fly back out of the studio.}

DUKAT: Well, I certainly can't say I saw THAT coming.

EDDINGTON: I guess they attacked him because he was the only one without a force-field around him.

DAMAR: I thought vultures were just scavengers. Weird.

DUKAT: Is someone going to remove these force-fields or do we have to stay here all night? {the lights go out, plunging the studio into total darkness} Well, I guess that answers that.

EDDINGTON: Oh, no. I know they didn't just run off and leave me here with these two spoonheads sitting behind me!

DAMAR: Who are you talking to?

DUKAT: I'm getting really sick of hearing the word 'spoonhead' from you, Eddington.

EDDINGTON: Yeah, well, it's not like you can do anything about it.

DUKAT: Oh. Right.

DAMAR: Well, we won't be stuck in these force-fields forever, will we?

ALL: . . .

DAMAR: Well, will we?

EDDINGTON: Hello?

DUKAT: Anyone?

DAMAR: Help?

DUKAT: Well, this is ridiculous. I demand to be let loose!

DAMAR: Quark? Producer? Anyone?

EDDINGTON: Anyone at all?

ALL: Help!

DAMAR: {in a very small voice} Mommy?

~The End~