EPILOGUE

"I will never be a memory!"

"That's nice, dear," Mrs. B said as she helped a straitjacketed Martha Stewart into the van. "You're just going to have a little vacation with these nice people, all right?"

"Do they have crayons? I can make some very nice things with crayons!"

"I think they do, dear. Now, wave bye-bye!" Mrs. B wiped away a tear as the van headed off to the celebrity wing of the Happy Happy, Joy Joy Rest Facility. Once they were safely out of sight, she turned toward Rufus Shinra and said, "Where do I sign?"

"Tseng will see to everything," Rufus said with a smile. "Good to have you on board!"

Tseng handed her a small pistol and a cattle prod. "Welcome to the Turks, Mrs. B."

She loaded her suitcase onto the helicopter and, with a last look at the house that had been her home for longer than she cared to think about, she took her first steps into a new and exciting life.

Or, in other words, she slipped away into the night, leaving the mess for someone else to deal with.

The cleaning crew surveyed the aftermath of the great Christmas reunion with mild trepidation. Scorched wallpaper around one of the electric sockets; tire tread and jackboot imprints in the carpet; green plastic goop coating the hardwood in the kitchenette: these things did not bode well.

Let's not even mention the biologicals on the laundry room ceiling.

"I think, given the scope of the destruction inside, I'm going out back to shovel some poo," said Mr. Rowe as he handed a dull putty knife to an intern and headed out the door.

Said intern contemplated the putty knife, compared it to the density of the green stuff on the floor, and went in search of a chisel.

Night wore on and the disarray throughout the house became steadily less disturbing. Mike and company left the laundry room and the buffet zone for last for the simple reason that no one wanted to touch either of them. Fortunately and unbeknownst to them, this meant that the Jenova cells in the spilled punch had time to die tragically like ants in amber, thus rendering the nearly-impenetrable substance quite safe.

Unfortunately, and also unbeknownst to them, this also meant that the Jenova cells in the bottom of the punch bowl had time to coalesce from the sticky green soup and stabilize.

A tiny black head peeked over the edge of the table, ear tips trembling. A little wet nose tested the air.

Francesca the French bulldog looked right, then left. Deducing that the humans were otherwise occupied, she hopped up onto the buffet table for a look around. Cookie crumbs, bits of brie, and non-dairy creamer enticed but did not satisfy. She sought headier fare this evening, and as luck would have it, she found some.

Hm. I generally prefer lemon, but lime will do.

Aaaaaaand…good NIGHT, everybody! ^_^

Credits and disclaimers:

Apologies and thanks to the following individuals, cultural icons, and brand names for making this train wreck story possible (in approximate order of appearance/mention/sporkage): J.R.R. Tolkein; Peter Jackson; Squeenix; Junon Rent-All (24-hour service! Need a lift? Call us!); ShinRa Enterprises®; Mike Rowe, "Dirty Jobs", and The Discovery Channel; ShinRa Fire Extinguishers®; H.R. Giger; Sigourney Weaver; the public library system; Harley Davidson Motorcycles; the Verizon cellphone coverage team; Kmart; Ford Trucks; "South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut"; Mistress Lina's House of Spank leatherwear; Ray Ban sunglasses; Milton Bradley's Twister; the tobacco lobby; Excedrin Migraine Relief; the Wutaian Tea Coalition; ShinRa Medical and Scientific Supplies®; H.P. Lovecraft and/or August Derleth; Ridley Scott; Yano slashers; All Things Martha; whoever first said "You won the internet!"; Villanous Pontificating for Idiots; Chocobo Racer Gold cigarettes; Stephen King and/or Jack Nicholson; Martha Stewart Cast Iron Cookware; Martha Stewart Home Office Fax Machines; Moose ent Sqvirrel Enterprises; Lego Mindstorms Cybernetic Wing Kit; otaku-designed she-armor; remember to designate a driver whenever you party; "Pirates of the Caribbean"; Maytag Washing Machines; Swiffer; the American Kennel Club; the Zack Fair International Fan Club; Zangan's Dojo for Wayward Girls; Nature's Miracle Pet Stain Remover; ACME Spy Gear; Green Chocobo Lime Sherbet; 7-Up; Enzyte – Natural Male Enhancement (get your free sample today!); NicoDermCQ; the tentacle hentai genre; Ponderosa's Rufus/Reno fan art; the WRO; the FTC; Webster's Collegiate Thesaurus; ShinWart ®; Anthony Burgess; Hojo's Build-Your-Own Monster Kit (ages 12+); the Corel Village Badminton Society; Prilosec; Sir Anthony Hopkins; Miller beer; "Kingdom Hearts"; Walt Disney; PS2; White Rabbit Virtual Reality Goggles; TLC's "What NOT to Wear – Anime Edition"; LucasFilms; "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope"; "Hardware Wars" (we miss you; Auggie Ben Doggie!); Dixie Cups; MiracleGro; Sanrio Company; Chuck Norris Ninja Prep School; Frisbees; Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary; "The Rosenkreuz Staff Christmas Party"; Gayla Peevey; the Oklahoma City Zoo; ; ; Boi Toyz Anal Lube; Carol Kane; HP7 (aka What the HELL Was She Thinking?); Happy Happy, Joy Joy Rest Facility (a subsidiary of Froh Froh, Freude Freude – Austria); ShinRa Riot Control Devices and Marital Aids®; and citrus-flavored fan fiction in all its variety and glory!

(Did I miss anything/anybody? Tell me and win a cookie!)