Dum Spiro Spero

Your suffering separately, all alone in the pain.

And you just can't breathe.

Sometimes you were afraid you were forgetting Lilly.

And all you wanted to do was remember her, more then anything in this world

Her red lips lifted up in that coy grin, her blonde hair flicked in that way which made her irresistible, her eyes, sparkling, making you get lost.

You had got drunk on Lilly, so intoxicated you couldn't see the road anymore; all you could do was hold her hand and follow her.

Now she'd let your hand go, and left you in the dark, stumbling and calling her name.

Sometimes you could hear her laughing; sometimes you talked to her, quietly in the pool house, with the door locked and a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand. Sometimes you even screamed at her. Eventually you'd ask her why and choke on tears that wouldn't fall.

You hadn't cried, not when you heard, not when you were interviewed, not when you sat alone in the dark and the pain engulfed you, and not when you wished it had been you instead.

Your Mum got worried, when she started to notice. She didn't try to talk to you; she just sat next to you once early on, while you tried to breathe, and rubbed your back in smooth circles and held you. You knew you should feel grateful to her but right then you couldn't feel anything but the raw burning pain.

Aaron attempted to make it better by finally buying you that car you wanted. You stared at him blankly as he showed it to you with a smile on his face, as if it was supposed to help. You turned around and walked right back inside slamming the door behind you, there was no point in trying to lock it, the pain wasn't coming from him anymore, it was inside and you couldn't escape it. You locked it anyway.

The pool house used to be your retreat, the four of you. Nothing could touch you there, you used to play video games with Duncan, tease Veronica, be with Lilly. The pool house used to be your haven, now it was nothing but an empty room, devoid of everything.

Bottles littered the floor; no one came in, not maids, not after the first time you screamed at them to get out.

Your mum comes sometimes, sits on the bed for a little while, left a plate of food and took away the old untouched one. Eating was too normal, you couldn't do it.

Aaron didn't come anywhere near you, he didn't know how to deal with this weird son, this one who didn't seem to give a damn whether he lived or died. You were glad he hadn't attempted to come near you after the car. You were afraid of what you'd do if you did see the man, what you'd provoke him to do. Nothing seemed to matter to you anymore, except the pain. You wanted it to stop, but if it did you were terrified you'd forget. You didn't deserve it to stop.

It was around the third day when she came, you were lying on the bed with a hangover . She knocked on the door, you'd pulled all the blinds down, you didn't bother to look up just stayed inert on the bed. Then suddenly there was a rattling and the door swung open, she stood there. She looked at you as you squinted the first bit of sunlight in days hitting you. When your eyes finally adjusted you thought she looked angry. When she opened her mouth you knew she was. She was so beautiful, she reminded you of Lilly.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

You held your head, her voice too loud. "Leave me alone," you muttered, you couldn't stand looking at her.

"Your mum told me you're not eating," her voice was softer this time, she moved further inside.

You didn't reply to this.

"What are you trying to do, starve yourself to death?"

"Just get the hell out," you screamed attempting to get up, but the room was swaying too much.

"Logan," she said softly and this time you did look at her.

"Why are you here?" your voice is hoarse with disuse.

"I was sitting in my room…and God it feels like I can't even breath…and I though how can I do this alone? How can I keep on breathing?…I can't…and I realized I don't have to, niether of us do...."

"Why didn't you go see Duncan?"

"He's on anti depressants, they won't let me…I wish I could have brought him here."

"Why here?"

"This was our place."

She moves towards the cabinet, grabs a random movie and shoves it in the player, putting the T.V on she presses play. She closes the door and locks it, then lies down beside you on the bed.

You don't speak, the light outside fades, you don't move, you let the inconsequential sounds of the movie wash over you as you lie next to her and just stare at the ceiling.

"Does your Dad know your here?" you ask finally.

"Yes," she says, "He knows."

You don't say anything more for a few hours, then she suddenly gets up and you think she's going to leave and the pain seems to intensify even more at the thought of her going, because when she's lying next to you , the pain lessens somehow.

"Wait," you say, sitting up, and then you realize she'd just gone to the phone.

She glances at you for a second and attempts a smile; she failed, and quickly stopped trying. You don't think anyone will ever be able to smile again. You found you wished she could.

She ordered pizza, thick crust, meat lovers with extra cheese and pineapple pieces. It was Lilly's favorite. The movies finished, she put on a new one and lies next to you again.

When the pizza comes she goes and pays for it, locks the door behind her, places it on the counter and opens the box. The smell fills the room and it's like you've been punched. You curl up, it's like before she came, you can't breathe again. She makes a retching sound, as if she can't breathe either, and quickly grabbing the pizza box she opens the door and shoves it in a bin outside, slamming the door behind her she locks it and slides to the floor.

She's shaking, taking in deep breaths, you rise, go to her, rub her back in circles like your Mum did, and hold her. She lets you, and surprisingly you find that you find it nice, and you feel angry at yourself, because it's like your betraying Lilly, but you don't pull away, because she needs it. She clings to you, then finally her breathing steadies.

"I'm so sorry," she looks up at you, "I thought it would…"

"Help?" you ask wryly.

She attempts to smile again; it's broken, like her, like you.

She gets up leaving your arms and turns off the movie. "God, I just thought…I thought if we pretended…it doesn't help though, nothing helps…I just…"

You follow her, she's shaking…you take her hand, lead her to the bed, you both lie down, look up at the ceiling.

You lay like that for hours.

"We just wasted a perfectly good pizza, she would call us idiots."

And she's laughing this time, turning to her side, laughing its high and unnatural, and then she's shaking and sobbing.

You stare at her back for a minute shocked. Then suddenly you turn, wrap your arms around her, and she holds your hand, and the tears are suddenly falling, you thought you'd never cry, and she's the one comforting you. And her tears are mingling with yours and your both sobbing wrecks, you can't breath.

Eventually you stopped. You're entangled with each other. You're still holding her, she looks peaceful almost, but there's that edge, it's not physically visible, but it's in her eyes, that horror that won't ever leave her or you. You're both breathing heavy as if you've run a marathon.

You've finally cried…no not cried it doesn't seem an equivalent enough word. You've finally let out just a little bit of that grief, but the pain is still there, and it feels like a heavy weight is on your chest, and you feel as if you can barely breath. But this time you realize that you are, you are breathing, and that's something you suppose. And she gave you that.

Gently you disentangle yourself from her, and lay face up, looking blankly at the ceiling again.

You both lie like that for a while.

"I miss her," you say quietly.

"So do I," she whispers.

And with her there you think maybe you'll never forget, because you'll both remind each other.

And you hope you remember this moment.

And that was her blessing to you, and that was her curse.

And your both suffering separately, but now you think your not alone.

A week later her Dad named Jake Kane as the main suspect, the video of Lilly was streamed, and you named Veronica as a pariah,

Because you wanted to forget more then anything in this world.

Because it hurt too much to remember.

Because whenever you see her, she doesn't just remind you of Lilly anymore, she reminds you of her.

And you're still suffering separately, but now you'll never be alone.

And you are breathing.

You let her give yout that much at least.

A/N: This happens in between finding out about Lilly and her funeral. I know its filled with angst, I'm just in that mood. Please review : ). The title means: while I breathe, I hope. I know its random lol.

Sairra : P