REVELATIONS
Randy Law
From sometime in 1998, then again on 07/21/2000.
Disclaimer: The characters, items, places, etc. of Final Fantasy VII are property of Squaresoft, Inc. No infringement is intended.
This is a non-profit fiction. I make no money off this. It is simply for the enjoyment of the fans to one of the greatest RPGs ever made.
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I wrote this a few years back, but put it aside since it got to be so long and complicated. I finally decided to just touch it up a little and release it the way it was, because I know I'll just put this off until I misplace it.
I tried writing this fanfic in correlation to my other FFVII fanfic piece, "Someday". Someday took place not long after Cloud awoke from his coma in Mideel, and was to show Tifa's perspective on her feelings and thoughts for Cloud. This piece also takes place around the same time as Someday, except it is now shown from Cloud's perspective and of his feelings and thoughts for Tifa.
There are a few occasional, purposely created grammatical errors within this story. I have kept it this way because these are deep discussions Cloud is mentally having with himself, in a very casual and laid-back of way.
Regular Text – the surface thoughts in Cloud that easily come to mind.
Quotes and recall from the game.
Deeper, subconscious thoughts that go along with his more
obvious, conscious views and feelings. You can also think of it as his pessimist side or the Devil's advocate in him.
"Diaglogue that was said aloud"
(Describes the scene)
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(Cloud at this time is on the deck of the Highwind as it is cruising high above the planet enroute to another engagement, half-heartedly trying to distinguish tiny specks on the earth far down below him. It hasn't been long since he was revitalized after coming out of the Lifestream in Mideel, with a huge helping hand from his ever loyal companion, Tifa. He is still trying to understand everything that's happened during the last few hours, days, weeks, months, years – well, the entire course of his life, in general.)
(Cloud is closing his eyes, shaking his head slowly, and puckering his lips. One hand is lightly holding his forehead, another gripping firmly the rails.)
Wow. I still can't believe myself and some of things I revealed to Tifa just a few hours ago. Now she knows how much more I cared for her as childhood friends than I displayed. I remember telling myself over and over again that I'd never reveal my feelings to her after the past seven years of shame, hardship and disappointment. I thought I learned to let go the moment once I found out I wasn't going to make SOLDIER. SOLDIER… What a letdown that was, to know that I would only be a regular trooper and nothing more. If Tifa didn't have any interest in me when I was still in Nibelheim, she certainly wouldn't have cared to see me coming back home to Nibelheim in some dull and drab trooper outfit.
Then again, maybe those hidden feelings were something I finally could no longer hold in. In a way I guess that's true, I was keeping my world of lies, anger, and depression inside of me for so long that it was just eating me alive. All this weakness within me allowed Sephiroth to easily manipulate me.
We were friends, right Cloud?
I'm also impressed that she finally recognized that we were never as close as she thought we were when we were kids. She used to always say how we were swell friends as kids, but until now she never really realized how cut off I was from her world. It was always her and that rag-tag bunch of brats following her around, enjoying and delighting in precious childhood moments. I was always on the outside, doing everything I could to get her to notice me, yet trying at the same time to avoid confrontation with Johnny and his yes-men. Yeah, there was nothing wrong with her thinking that we were close… actually, it touches me that she believed so highly of our childhood 'friendship'. But we'd be living in more lies and hidden truths if she didn't realize that we never truly shared any particular moments together until that night on top the Nibelheim well when I stated to her future plans.
Special memories...
She also knows now why everyone's parents including her dad scorned and ridiculed me - that was in addition to all the kids that hated and labeled me long before they even got to know me. She learned that after her dangerous undertaking in the Nibelheim Mountains and the accident that followed, the townspeople placed all the blame on me. What was at first a little adventure to find her dead mother, ended up almost being fatal after a bridge collapsed beneath Tifa and I. It caused us to fall down into the canyon below, bruising and dazing me while Tifa lapsed into a coma that lasted for seven days. Knowing that Tifa would be in serious trouble with her dad and hoping for a chance at impressing her, I spoke up and took the blame of 'our' adventure into the mountains. I accepted the blame for Tifa's actions with an open heart and have never had any regrets over my decision.
Hmmmm… now that she knows about my childhood feelings for her, and that I know that she knows, I wonder how we'll react and carry ourselves around each other the next couple of days. Are my revelations going to scare her and make her distance herself away from me? Or might she be even remotely saddened of the fact that I really liked her so much and that she never knew until all this time has past? Then there's always the question about the present, "Does he still like me?" she's thinking in all likelihood. Will she perhaps take this warm friendship of ours to a higher level than it already is? If nothing else - not that I'm hoping for more - I know I still want us to remain as close friends as we've become during these last few months.
With just a few days before our final confrontation with Sephiroth and Meteor, we need all the confidence and optimism we can get. If there was anyone that was always optimistic, positive, and could always bring up our groups morale, it'd be good ol' Tifa all right.
So, do you think she likes you, or liked you before?
I don't know, I really don't know, but sometimes it really feels like there is much more than this little false space I try and keep between the two of us. Often times, and lately it's been even more true, I seem to notice her glancing
or staring in my direction. Is she looking at me or at something, someone, around my general area? When I do feel her gaze from the corner of my eye, I sometimes turn around casually and innocently to try and meet her look. Most of the time, she's sly enough to pretend she's focusing on something else around me.
Sly enough? You say it like you understand what's going on in her head.
Anyway, when I do catch her and we are looking eye to eye, she seems to always have a prepared comment or question as if the moment I turned to her was also the moment she was about to turn to me and say those lines. "I'm tired of walking Cloud, let's take a rest", "I wonder about…", or "Do you hear something Cloud?" Heh. I can read her like a book… then again, maybe not.
So you're saying she's just clever and playing hard-to-get?
Her, play hard-to-get? That just hardly seems like Tifa. She just doesn't represent those types of games, those kinds of child's play, come on now.
I don't really mean clever as in being devious, but I don't know how else to word it. Timid… that would be the better word. It's one thing to be shy and hold back on thoughts and feelings, but it's another to know that she would like someone and just wants to provoke her friend to be on his knees before she gives in. I just refuse to believe that Tifa is that type of individual.
Heck, maybe like any good and concerned friend would, she's just always looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm okay and that nothing wonky happens to me - A comrade, a partner, a sidekick.
How about a mate? Going back to holding back on feelings, you're acting just like what you're saying about Tifa and how you were many years ago. You never wanted to let it out, instead, choosing to suppress those feelings deep inside.
(Raises his head high, inhales and exhales slowly and deeply, savouring the crisp air)
Now there I go again. One part still aching for her love and hoping that Tifa really does like me, and the other part trying wipe out any romantic thoughts of her. What is up with my emotions? What's going on with me?!
But why would she like me after all those years in which I didn't get any attention from her direction at all? I tried impressing her years ago - a decade ago and beyond - forever. What did I get in return? Not a whole lot.
Why can't you admit that even after all these years and everything that's kept the two of you apart, that you still love her unconditionally and wholeheartedly? No matter what has happened in the past you can never forget the treasured feeling of love. Go on, tell her how you feel, don't make the mistake of holding back a second time. Time is short, you're lucky you even get a second chance.
… But I tried so hard before, why do it again? It's still the same as it was when we were young, I'm still back on step two, waiting for her to take her turn in this game of Life. To tell me that she… loves me. I don't want to be the first to make a move anymore, it's no longer my turn, I've already tried and she knows it, it's her move now. It's unrequited love if you want to call it that. I mean, if she still doesn't feel for me like I wanted her to so many years ago-
You're admitting you want her to feel that way.
… Then it's okay, I've got to stop losing over sleep over it someday, you know? Not to be arrogant, but I'm not the small little boy disliked by everyone anymore. I just wonder if I can ever find someone with Tifa's qualities again, she's definitely one of a kind.
"No matter what anyone else says, it's your opinion that counts."
"... Especially you Tifa, I'm especially sorry.
you've been so good to me. I don't know what to say.. ... I never lived up to being 'Cloud'"
Sometimes the others also drop me hints and give me merry looks like there's something more between Tifa and I than what I perceive. What exactly are they implying? Do they think the both of us are more involved with one another than it looks? Do they know for a fact that she likes me? Certainly they don't know yet of the Lifestream revelations that Tifa has seen. I surely don't say or do anything purposely, for protection of my innermost feelings, that might give myself away to liking her more than just friends. I severely downplay all my interactions with her.
"Cloud, why don't you go take Tifa down to the beach while the rest of us check out leads on Sephiroth while we're here," I remember Barrett pestering to me once while the gang was at Costa Del Sol.
"Hey Cloud, there's an excellent restaurant here that you and Tifa should check out tonight," Cid said with a smirk on his face.
"Cloud, why don't you talk to Tifa? She's been alone on the deck the entire evening, just gazing into the horizon," Yuffie mentioned to me once in a soft tone while we were onboard the Highwind.
"Why don't you and Tifa just share a room and save the group a few precious Gils," Cid teased me another time while we settled in for the night at a Motel 7. It's not like we're anywhere near short on money.
Good grief, funny how that of all people I personally know, I'd expect Cid to be the last person to know anything about the opposite sex. He treats Shera like a bad cup of tea! A couple times they tell me to wake up Tifa, even though they are right there, and just as able handed to do the job! Sometimes, they taunt me into tucking her in. Tuck her in?! What are Tifa and I, baby and mother?
Yet other times, they mention to me that they saw Tifa with tears in her eyes or heard her crying in her room and ask that I check it out. I'm no psychologist and I'm horrible at social interaction. With my unstable past and mind, I should be the last person to offer a helping hand to others! I wouldn't know how to soothe her. I'm betting my lame remarks and small talk would just rile her up more anyway! Heh, heh.
What did that nurse in Mideel say to you again?
As we were leaving Mideel, I heard very sincere comments from the nurse that took care of me alongside Tifa while I was delusional.
"Do you remember that girl that was waiting patiently at your side while you were sick? You better treat her right or you'll regret it. She stood by your side with such attention, such vigil like I've never seen. I bet she's so happy that you've pulled through from your poisoning."
Doesn't that make you feel good?
Yeah, it does… I'm humbled that she would care for me like that. How easily I would've shrugged off this incident if it wasn't for those comments about Tifa. I wonder how many other times she's done things for me that I have yet to know about.
Hard to notice situations this large? Then think of all those subtle encounters with her that you miss even more easily.
… There are all those other times when Tifa and I make gestures, comments, and tonal changes that only the other seems to understand. Those ingeniuous glances from the corner of her eyes that no one else seems to notice but me. Those sparkling eyes and slightest of grins characterized by the most unnoticeable upward turn from the corners of her lips. Those playful pinches and punches to my arms. If I were more confident of myself, and of this friendship between Tifa and I, I'd return the privilege and play these games of affection. Yet so, I still have an uneasy feeling that even if I wanted to, and even if she liked me, that this is not the right time nor place.
Whether all of us are in separate areas or sharing space, she strangely - but thank goodness she does - senses my tossing and turning, both my mental and physical cries for help, and is by my side to offer comfort in no time. She nudges me tenderly and whispers softly, snapping me out of my reoccurring nightmares before they could possibly get any worse. She offers to me a calming glass of cold water and a dry shirt, knowing that I'm drenched in sweat. Just her being beside me at haunting times like those can ease all my anguish.
She can read you like a book
How is that that she can see the very depths of my soul? She always seems to notice when I'm not feeling well, when I'm exhausted from the heat of battle, when I'm not being myself. I can't seem to hide anything from her. But, other than all my feelings I had for her as child and the feelings I'm still trying to sort out between her in our present day, there's nothing at all I'd want to hide from a friend like her.
Lots of times during our journey, when it's time to rest up for the night at a local motel, pitch some tents, or even to settle in on the Highwind, she likes to go out alone and watch the stars that twinkle in the night.
"Cloud, I'm going out to get some fresh air…", she'd say in a melancholy voice as she glances at me before her frequent watch of the night sky. Is she
beckoning me to come and watch the stars with her? I don't understand the purpose behind all of it. What for? Doesn't she get tired of making the same wishes on falling stars that never seem to come true?
She's always the first one to jump into a battle right behind me. She's always the first to defend me when something goes wrong or someone confronts me – my personal mediator. I'm more than thankful for a companion so loyal.
She's stuck it out with me through thick and thin these last few months, I feel guilty at times for not being able to return the favors other than the usual reply of "Thanks".
It seems like that every time the two of us chit chats she wants the conversation deeper, but me being the complete dork, always close myself up from her and kill the discussion with one word responses. Yeah. No. Sure. Maybe. Okay. Thanks. Such meaningless words.
What's wrong with you Cloud?! Learn to socialize a little more with her! She's a trustworthy friend, not a stranger!
Yeah… I know.
Don't you see all the clues now? She does like you. You just choose not accept the possibility.
I can't believe she's never dated anyone. What's going on in her mind anyway? She had worshippers all throughout our hometown. She had tons of fans at Seventh Heaven - some who just simply enjoyed gazing at her form, others thinking of lustful thoughts in both their drunk and drunken states, and even others trying their hardest to make her notice them. Everywhere we journey to, she's got love-struck devotees. I still chuckle when I think of all the people in Don Corneo's mansion that thought she had the… 'right stuff'. A lady who could please all cravings - all the henchmen that were hoping that Corneo would pick me instead of Tifa for marriage, so that she could be tossed to them.
So what about all those people that liked her? Why be seen with a reject kiddo like me. She must've seen something pleasant in at least one of those people that she's met in life. What about Johnny back in Nibelheim? It's possible she could've had an attraction for him. His own personal attraction to her was one reason him and his band of rejects always treated me like crap. Did they somehow foresee that I would be a... 'threat' to his personal want back in those days? Someday? What a dud.
Can't you see, you LOVE-101 flunky, she's been waiting for you all these years!
Bah… even if this 'relationship' between the both of us is more than I suspect, why the heck would she hold even the slightest interest me?! Of all the eligible bachelors in the world, why me?! I'm so unstable, unsociable, and uncontrollable at times, why would she tolerate even a minute of intimacy with me when there are guys practically kissing her feet wherever she goes? There's still so much of myself that neither I or anyone else understand… What if I unearth memories and feelings deep inside that I never wanted to know? That she or anyone else wouldn't want to know? Would she still stand up proudly and confidently to defend me like she always has? Could she absorb anymore of my problems? I don't know, I really don't know.
She can't like me more than a platonic, best guy-friend, if not just a good friend.
Aeris, what about Aeris...
Tifa… always seemed so uneasy and troubled whenever Aeris was around me. What is it with the two of them anyway? I know they never hated each other, they shared so many caring moments together, and fought back to back alongside the rest of us throughout our journey. Then again, maybe neither of them wanted to show the jealous side of themselves and exposing everyone to the ugly side of love.
Tifa probably thinks you like Aeris and can't get over her tragic death.
Nah, how could I have loved Aeris in that kind of way? I too noticed that Aeris came on to me strongly, and it also made me feel uncomfortable at times. I mean, I didn't mind the attention, but I never genuinely cared for her in that form. She was the big sister I never had, offering advice, praise, compliments, and affection to keep a younger sibling feeling positive about himself. I sincerely feel that Aeris realized her place in regards to Tifa and I, and honorably accepted her role as a loving sister.
But we have to let go of her memory, she knew what she was doing from the start - she knew she was the only one that could release Holy, and doing so would bring retribution from Sephiroth which would ultimately cost her her precious life. I know she wouldn't want me to go on sulking for someone that is already gone, someone that had done the right thing and knew the consequences that would be forthcoming from the one that didn't want to see her succeed. She reassured me about that fact in a pleasant dream that came to me the night she departed from our group and journied to the city of Ancients alone. Now that we all know the truth of what happened to Zack, it should be of great comfort to Aeris. They're together now in the Lifestream, together like they always deserved to be.
"Time…"
Why all this attention now though, Tifa? Why not back before I left for Nibelheim? I wished you would've told me to not go away on that special night below the stars. But I understand, it's all a part of some larger plan, something bigger than all us mere humans can comprehend. Heck, if she did tell me she liked me back then, and I also told her how I really felt, that would've meant I would've have never left Nibelheim. It then means that perhaps no one would have stopped Sephiroth on that infamous day he lost his mind and destroyed Nibelheim. Tifa, myself, and everyone else in Nibelheim would've died in the great flames and to the Musamune of his. It would've been the wrong place at the wrong time.
… Maybe someone else could've been the trooper that stopped him, maybe that same trooper would be on this quest to stop him. Then again, maybe not. No one would have put him out of commission five years ago, and his goal of being a god would've been accomplished soon after the destruction of Nibelheim. Weird huh? Like everything we've done is not a chance happening, like we're all predestined, like the way things are right now between the Tifa and I is what's best for us…
Chance happenings...
If Tifa didn't find me that one-day by the train station in Midgar, what would've happened to Avalanche after and during their first attack? How about Sephiroth's resurrection and his continued goal of domination?
What about me? Would I have died after being caught by Shinra bounty hunters? Would I have gone on to be a successful but short-lived mercenary? What if I was just starting a new life and wandering around like a common citizen, and died under the collapse of Sector 7 because some stupid 'Avalanche' group decided to make a ruckus with Shinra? And I shudder at the scariest thought... What would've happened to Tifa? She's already been through so much. Would there be another knight in shining armor to protect her always? Would she have died in the hands of Shinra? Sephiroth?
Don't forget, you never knew she was still alive after all these years. You thought she died to Sephiroth's Musamune five years ago… and she never heard one instance of you in all your seven years of separation.
What were the chances that she would be visiting Mideel, overhear two friends two friends talk about someone drenched in Mako, and have that person be me?
And how did she get in my head during our journey into the Lifestream? For me, it's still an unexplainable convergence of body and mind. I remember awakening inside the Lifestream and not being able to comprehend all the stuff going on around me.
"Green… Green… Green, everywhere! And what are all these voices?! Go away!! Leave me alone!!"
Then I screamed for help. I didn't cry "help", "save me", "someone help me", of all cries, I cried for Tifa. And, in her most despairing moments, I heard her call out to me also. She didn't call for her father, not her mother, not anyone else, just me. I still remember her voice. So sad, so full of sorrow, so in need of a assistance, my assistance. It's as if we both called out to the people that meant the most in our lives.
..."I'm fighting to save the planet
But besides that, there's something personal, too...
A very personal memory that I have"
Ahh, that personal memory... the Promise
Well, there's just a few more nights and big confrontations before we all find out what we're all fighting for. I know why I'm in this final showdown. I have to settle my past, and keep a memory I've always treasured - the Promise I made with Tifa on that one cold, starry winter night. True, that memory may have been somewhere far in the back of my mind when I first saw Tifa in Midgar. Two years of never ending struggle to be a Soldier and five years of hideous and atrocious experiments can dim even the most treasured memories, feelings, and thoughts. But I never geniunely forgot that promise – it was what kept me going.
"There ain't no gettin' offa this train we on!"
Violence, immoral decay, greed. I wish I could take her away from all this pain. Wrap my arms around her, shield her from everything the world throws at us. I don't want her to lose her innocence. I want to be her Guardian Angel, like she's been to me.
So why give up hopes on a relationship with Tifa now? Like a retirement fund, you've been investing in her all your life, with the promise of a priceless, unfathomable return in the future. That's still possible, it's never too late for anything.
(Tifa quietly opens the steel door leading to the deck and tries to sneak up beside Cloud, but honed through all his years of training, turns his head to the side and catches her advance.)
Speaking of Tifa…
"Hey there, hero!," she grins mischievously as she took to his side.
"Just woke up from your beauty rest eh? Ready for another battle?"
"Ready as ever, hero!" she cites regardingly as she tossed her hair onto one shoulder.
"Hey now, stop calling me that undeserving name of hero, Tif'," Cloud said in a mocking tone of angriness.
Goodness she has beautiful hair. The sweet scent of shampoo on her is so--
"You know, Cloud… it's hard to explain, I know… I know we've only really known each other as actual 'friends' these past few months, and even more these past few hours… but it feels like I've always known you…"
"Yeah…"
Another one word repl-
Nothing more needed to be said, I understood what she meant, and she understands that the feelings are mutual.
(They share with each other a glance and meager, but deeply meaningful grins. Both, feeling the awkwardness of the moment, turn their heads back towards the skyline. It's wholly peaceful as some more quiet time is shared between them. The Highwind begins a slow decent back down to Earth.)
She's so wholesome, down to earth, good hearted… such a great girl. I'm so relieved that I haven't done anything in or out of my my control that was drastic and physically hurt Tifa during all this time we've been on Sephiroth's trail. I could never hurt her, and couldn't bare to ever see her hurt again. I'd absorb all her aches and pains, and fix her broken past if I could. I'd die for her without any regrets.
Go on, let it out.
We're sharing quiet moments, as always. So much I want to say, but in moments like this, I don't know what to say… Nothing changes at all, nothing at all.
I love her, I really love her. What else can I say. But I know I can't express it to her in anyway without hearing it from her first. It's just the way things are, the way we are.
Someday we'll find the answer.
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Comments? Flames? Questions? Write me at [email protected]. Thanks!
