A Christmas Wish

By Lisababe

I walked into the apartment and tossed my purse on the kitchen counter. I closed my eyes fighting back the tears. I had nothing to cry about. He didn't owe me an explanation, but I was a fool to believe there were no women in his life. He was a walking sex magnet, and I had been subjected to his force field enough to know the power of his sex appeal. The bile rose in my throat as I rushed for the bathroom. A cold sweat beaded on my skin as I fought the tug in my stomach. I jerked off my wool coat and braced myself over the commode. The four glasses of champagne from the party met their demise. The hot tears finally fell, plopping one by one into the commode like a trail of shame.

I flushed the commode and slipped out of my carefully selected little black dress as the silent sobs shook me. My new black bra and panty set followed, hitting the cold tile with no bravo. The water felt like flames pelting my skin as I stepped under the flow. I scrubbed my face trying to erase the vision of the beautiful dark haired woman at his side. The smile that played at the corners of his mouth I had only seen directed at me. Why did a single brush of a dark lock of hair behind her ear pierce me like a deep wound? Why did the picture of them on the dance floor with his arms holding her close make me wish I could curl up and die? Was it jealousy or the pain from realizing I wanted more from him?

She smiled at me when he introduced us like we were long lost friends. Beautiful and nice, it just wasn't fair. A family friend my ass. I had never touched a friend the way they intimately connected. They had a history, and if it wasn't sexual, I didn't like doughnuts.

Angry and tired of my pity party I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. I quickly brushed my teeth and wrapped a towel around me. The distant ring of my cell phone caused me to flinch. I found it in my coat pocket and growled at Joe's name on the caller ID. I flipped it open and heard his voice.

"Where the hell are you Stephanie?"

"I could ask the same of you." I answered.

"I told you I got called on a case and I would be late."

"Where are you now?" I said.

"At Rangeman looking for you. You insisted we come to Manoso's fucking party. I break my neck to get here and you're gone."

"I got tired of waiting for you. Everyone had a date, I felt out of place." I said.

"You mean you felt uncomfortable because Manoso has a date."

I heard the smirk in his voice, and I felt the dam of frustration break.

"Fuck you Joe!"

"I think I hit a nerve. Would you like to explain why Manoso having a date is bothering you so much?"

"I refuse to even acknowledge that question." I hissed.

"I think we need to have a talk Cupcake."

"I have no desire to discuss Ranger's dating habits. He's a big boy, he's allowed to have a social life."

"But I'm going to guess that this is the first time he's flaunted it in front of you. What's the matter Babe, did it deflate your ego?"

"I hate you." I whispered and snapped the phone shut. The tiny phone shattered against the wall in a surprising amount of components.

I shuffled into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of ratty sweats and a t-shirt. I fumed at how my Ranger date envy was so apparent to Joe. If he was so in tune to my demise imagine how transparent my thoughts were to Ranger.

I had to run away from the party like a heart broken high school diva.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck.

I stuck my feet in my Hello Kitty slippers and shuffled to the couch. I dropped on the cushion and pulled the blanket behind me over my lap. I blinked at the Christmas tree in the corner. The set of lights on the bottom branches were out again. But on top of the tree the most important ornament shined. The star glowed in the darkness; full of promise that any wish made would come true. I hadn't looked at a Christmas star and made a wish in years. What was there to wish for? In the past my wishes leaned toward the material, but now I had no idea what to wish for. If tonight was any indication maybe I should wish for some self-control, or a brain. But instead I closed my eyes, and wished for my heart to stop aching. His face haunted me from a night long ago. A tender emotional feeling wrapped around me like a spell. Memories came to life that I never allowed to surface because they were so hard to forget. God, please let me forget.

He was above me, his eyes looking into mine through the darkness; the connection between us inseparable. His touch branded my body, never forgotten, and never matched. He left me with an unquenchable longing that would never be satisfied. The more I denied the connection, the stronger the tie.

I leaped off the couch desperate to break the walk down memory lane. My feet tangled in the blanket on my lap and I fell, my hands catching me before I smacked the floor. I rolled over and pushed the blanket away; hopped up and dragged myself to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and glared at the emptiness. Damn diet. Maybe it was time to take up smoking. In high school when Mary Lou and I wanted to drop a few pounds we took up the habit for a few weeks. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. I would drive to the all night market, pick up some cigs, and maybe cruise the frozen food isle just for kicks. If no one I knew saw me purchase ice cream the calories wouldn't count, but after a few smokes I wouldn't want diary products anyway. My food justifications were genius, and probably the reason I couldn't wear half the clothes in my closet.

I pulled open the door and he stood in the hallway. He still wore the black suit, but with a long dark overcoat. He smelled of Bulgari and a hint of her perfume. He stepped toward me. The dim light in the hallway caught the body glitter she left on his tie He looked into my eyes as the ache in my stomach returned with vengeance. Her mark was all over him, and all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible.

"Going out Babe?"

"Aren't you supposed to be hosting a party?" I turned and pulled the door closed behind me and slipped past him. He caught me by the arm and swung me around. His eyes scanned me from head to toe, and his infamous grin appeared at the corners of his mouth.

"A little under dressed to be going out aren't you?" He asked.

"Just a quick run to get some smokes."

One eyebrow raised. "Since when do you smoke?"

"No time like the present." I answered.

"Where are you really going?"

"The last time I checked you weren't my keeper."

His hand dropped from my arm and I walked toward the door to the stairwell.

"What are you running from Steph?" His words stopped me like a spear in my back. I slowly turned around and looked at him.

"Who says I'm running?"

"You've been running all evening. When I tried to come to your table at the party to ask you to dance you ran, and eventually you left the party all together. Explain."

"I owe you no explanations, and ask you for none." I said.

"I told you she's a friend of the family."

"And I believe you, as if it's any of my business."

"I made it your business."

"It doesn't matter. I left the party early because I was going to meet up with Joe, but somehow we missed one another."

"From the conversation that was relayed to me, I was under the impression you made a connection over the phone."

Fuck. Was nothing secret in the halls of Rangeman?

Dillon appeared in the doorway to the stairwell. "I got a complaint of voices in the hallway. Do you care to move your conversation inside?"

"I'm just going out."

He did a brief scan of my attire, shook his head; and disappeared into the stairwell.

Ranger opened the door to my apartment and nodded to me. My shoulders slumped as I slithered past him and into the apartment. He followed me to the couch and sat down beside me. I didn't want to have this conversation with him, not now, maybe not ever. I wanted out relationship to stay status quo. That way I didn't have to loose face and risk the possibility of our relationship changing forever. I needed him as a constant in my life. I didn't need to mess us up, he was too important to me. Plus my ego had taken a bruising and I was still a little miffed.

I stared at the star on top of the tree, and waited.

"Tell me the truth did she bother you that much?"

I sighed. I wanted to play it cool and lie out my ass, but I was tired, and this was Ranger. He already knew what I was thinking. So I avoided the question.

"Why aren't you with her now?"

"She found Santos more appealing."

"You don't say?" I smiled.

"Yeah, my one chance to score and he pours on the Santos charm."

"You sound really disappointed."

"I'm crushed."

I elbowed him and he grinned at me in the dark.

"So… how often do you score?" I asked.

"Babe."

"Since we're having talk time I thought I would ask."

"Do I ask you how often you score with Morelli?"

"No, but that's a given, I never know about you."

"I'm touched, I never realized you were so concerned with my celibacy."

I snorted.

"What?" He said.

"You and the word celibate just sound funny in the same sentence."

"You think I have women on call when ever I have an urge?"

"That's exactly what I think."

He chuckled.

"So?"

He looked over at me. "Most of the women I know are a part of my past for a reason. I don't cruise bars for one night stands, and I don't have a black book full of phone numbers."

"So Miss Thing tonight was just a figment of my imagination?"

"She's a friend of one of my sisters. She's a nice lady, an easy date."

"Easy?" I whispered.

He looked at me. "She has no expectations of me."

"Arm candy?"

"If you want to call her that." He said.

"I thought she was very beautiful and seemed sincere."

"So why did you look at her like the earth stopped rotating?"

"I was just surprised you had a date."

"So you don't think I should date?"

"You should date." I said with my most sincere voice.

He coughed and said "bullshit" at the same time.

"I'm serious."

"I think you're surprised at how it affected you." He said.

"Asshole."

"Truth is painful sometimes." He said.

"But it shouldn't bother me. I'm not in a relationship with you."

"Not technically, but on a mental level."

I slowly looked over at him. "That describes it perfectly."

He smiled.

I laced my fingers through his and looked back at the star on the tree. He squeezed my fingers and rested his head on the back of the couch.

"Have you ever looked at the star on the top of the tree and made a wish?" I asked.

"Never."

"Do you believe wishes come true?"

"I believe in destiny." He answered.

"So what is our destiny?"

"That remains to be seen."

"Humor me and take a guess."

"One day a cop won't be a part of the equation."

I felt my breath hitch in my throat. "And then what?"

I looked over at him and his eyes met mine in the dark.

"I won't be celibate any longer."

I smacked him on the chest and rested my head on his shoulder.

"You said you could make me forget him."

"I think most of you already has."

I looked up at him and he lowered his lips to mine.

For the first time that evening the ache in my heart disappeared.

Maybe wishes come true after all.