Title: The Telmarines Strike Back
Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia, or some of the lines and references quoted in this story.
Rating: PG for two kinda-swear words. I don't usually use swear words, but they were thematically appropriate for this fic.
Note: This is complete nonsense. I was relating the whole Caspian-Miraz scene to a non-Narniac friends, describing how it was all very Princess Bride. She, on the other hand, thought of another movie when I told her about the "Did you kill my father?" line. This, rather crazy, fic was the result.

Caspian's dark eyes glittered with anger as he held the sword at his uncle's throat. A newly-arrived Peter glared at the Telmarine prince. "Caspian, what are you doing? You're supposed to be at the gatehouse!"

"No!" exclaimed Caspian, his voice holding barely controlled rage. "Tonight, for once, I want the truth." His eyes burned into Miraz's. "Did you kill my father?"

Miraz stared at Caspian, a knowing smile on his face, approving of the boy's ruthless anger. The world paused as it awaited his devastating answer: "No, Caspian…

… I am your father."

Caspian's face screwed up into an ugly mask of shock and disbelief. "No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!"

Miraz's eyes were hard, but amusement glimmered in their depths. "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

Caspian's sword dropped with a clatter as he fell to his knees in despair. "Nooo, nooooo!"

Miraz smirked with triumph. He moved forward. He opened his mouth to speak. He promptly fell over with two arrows sticking out of his neck.

Caspian paused in his negative lamentation to stare, puzzled, at his aunt.

Prunaprismia glared at her husband's body. "The bastard, he cheated on me! I always did think you looked more like him than his brother. Caspian IX was blond after all."

Caspian's mouth opened, his lips shaped in a surprised O. He hadn't thought of that before. Blinking, he turned to Susan, the owner of the other arrow, who was also glaring at Miraz's body. "Susan?"

The Gentle Queen didn't move her eyes from the corpse as she glowered. "When I was 24 we had a little problem with a hag, a squirrel, and a time-travel device. I thought I recognized him from that." At Caspian's questioning "Uhhh…" she added, "Long story short, the bastard refused to pay child support, so I left the kid with him and went back to my own time."

Caspian's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. "You mean that you are…you are…"

Susan moved over to deliver a sharp kick to Miraz's body. "Your mother, yes." Caspian's jaw dropped further and his eyes widened even more. Then, apparently, his eyes had enough of the widening, so they rolled to the back of his head and he fainted.

Peter, who had apparently been party to most of this information previously, and thus didn't find Susan's revelation all that interesting, had made his way to Prunaprismia's bedside. "So, that's a nice crossbow you have there."

Prunaprismia looked the High King up and down. "A little young, aren't you?"

Peter gave her one of his famous, heart-stopping grins. "Don't let your eyes fool you, I'm turning 30 next year."

Prunaprismia eyed the rather heroic-looking young man. "How do you feel about children?"

"Oh, I love kids. I pretty much raised my sisters, Susan and Lucy, by myself. Oh, and my brother, what's-his-name." Prunaprismia gave him a pleased smile and nonchalantly brushed some invisible dust off the shoulder of her nightgown.

The door burst open again, and Edmund darted into the room. "There you are! I was looking everywhere for you all."

Peter didn't even turn, busy inspecting Prunaprismia's crossbow. "Hmmm."

Edmund rolled his eyes. "Just so you know, I managed to take the castle single-handedly using only my torch, some gum, and a paper clip."

Susan was busy poking a still-unconscious Caspian's nose, and giggling when it twitched. "That's nice."

"I was mortally wounded while doing so, but luckily Lucy was as Valiant as ever and snuck away from the How, and was able to heal me with her cordial."

"Good for her," commented Peter absently, as he helped Prunaprismia brush off some more dust.

Edmund sighed. "You might also want to tell Caspian when he wakes up that the Telmarines were so impressed by my skill that they've made me their king. The coronation's in a few minutes, actually. And I'm now known as 'the Awesome Ninja-King', in addition to 'the Just'."

Susan poked Caspian again. "I'm sure that's fine, Edmund."

Peter snapped his fingers. "Edmund! That's the name of what's-his-face, my brother. I wonder what he's up to?"

The Awesome Ninja-King threw up his hands and somersaulted out of the window onto a griffin, who was waiting to carry him to his adoring people.

Peter looked confused. "What was that?"

Prunaprismia smiled tenderly at him. "I'm sure it was just the wind."

Susan shrugged and poked Caspian.

Caspian twitched.

…yah, this should probably never have been written. I blame it on the fact that I really don't want to write my final paper for my Judaism in the Greco-Roman world class. Though, if you got the veiled references to some of the things that irritated me about Prince Caspian, (namely, Edmund's practically non-existence, Susan/Caspian shipping, and Lucy being left out of the night raid), good for you.