A/N: Well... this was mainly inspired by the Fountain Head Service Unit Encampment '08, a weekend-long event at the girl scout camp Tanasi. My girl scout troop planned it to get our Silver Award. We're still filling out the blasted paperwork, and I wrote this when we came home from it. In September. ROAR!

Anyway... I just now found this on my computer. It's pretty stupid... but, I dunno. I think it's kinda funny. The "Paul Newman Ceremony" really did happen, and most of the descriptions were thought up when Marcia and myself were, in fact, high off life. Either that, or we lacked sleep.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. And that does include Shepard McCallister, who belongs to my friend Marcia (who, predictably, inspired this... monstrosity).

PS: The Crafty Fox is a building in Tanasi. It was where we stayed. And, Norris and Maryville are towns here. I won't tell you where "here" is, but if you really want, I suppose you could look it up. Just... don't stalk me.

When I stepped out into the rainy afternoon, from the darkness of the Crafty Fox, I had only eleven or so things on my mind: Paul Newman, a ride home, and the fact that this crazy girl wouldn't stop talking about me all weekend long. I was wondering how come Paul Newman had died, and why Ellen, Phoebe, Marcia, and Rozamond had held a Paul Newman ceremony that consisted of doing shots of his salad dressing and reading the first page of a book called The Outsiders. It was kinda like a paper I wrote in English, once.

I thought I was gonna have to walk all the way from Norris to Tulsa by myself, when Johnny showed up, after inhaling some biscuits. He's a girl scout who wears make-up. We like to lone it together. Still, it's not safe to walk around these parts alone when you're a Greaser. You could get jumped by a Soc. I know how to spell that. It took me thirty-nine years, but I figured it out. Anyway, it's short for the Socials. The rich jerks who get fancy coffees at Panera/The Dingo while we're stuck with a weird pie thing that Soda forgets the name of.

I could have called somebody to come get me. Maybe a member of the gang, or one of my brothers. Darry would have gotten me after work, but I don't like him, much. He's 6'2'', twenty years old, and bears an uncanny resemblance to Patrick Swayze, some ugly guy from Roller Disco movies.

I also could have called Two-Bit. I liked him better. He was the oldest in our gang, at eighteen and a half, and the tallest, at 6'0''. He reminds me of Will Rogers, whoever the crap that is. But apparently my school is named after him, too.

Soda would have walked with me, at least. I like Soda better than Darry, too. He doesn't drink or do drugs or anything. He gets high off life, instead. Especially when he stands in a landfill. And he keeps dollars behind his ears. Soda's like... well, I forget how old he is, but he works at a gas station that nobody actually gets gas at. They're always coming in to get a Coke, or to loiter, or to work, or to hit on Soda, throw trash at the other nonexistent employees, or to get their car fixed by Steve, who is scary and gets in the way. Or sometimes, they do all those things. And when they're not busy, Steve and Soda stand in the parking lot and do their secret handshake. Over. And over. And over.

I guess I could have called Dally, too, but he's scary. He can absorb soup. And he's pretty. He looks vaguely like Legolas... only angrier. Like, picture Legolas in a Christmas elf costume, with a pointy chin. But Matt Dillon played him in the movie Francis Coppola based on my English paper that Rozamond read at the Paul Newman Ceremony. Roza looks like Matt, more than Dallas does. Matt can absorb soup, too, and he breathes through his skin.

And, me? I'm an old lady. With osteoporosis. Who plays bingo at the senior center, where Dally does community service when he gets arrested. Shepard volunteers there, too, but I don't like him very much. His name is spelled funny. Anyway, my name is Ponyman... no.. Horseboy... NO... Soapyboy! Or is it Ponyboy? I forget. I'm eighteen feet tall, oh, and, by the way, I have nightmares about nothing and run track.

Well.. anyway... Johnny and I were loning it together, when we got to Roza's neighborhood. Apparently, that's a good shortcut to Tulsa. But we got jumped by a Soc named Murry. Luckily, the rest of the gang happened by, and Dallas picked up the World's Largest Bough. He threw it at Murry. She ran away. Then, he asked us if we wanted to go see a movie with him the next day. Three people loning it together is about the most fun thing ever, so we agreed.

Johnny and me met Dally at the corner of Pickett and Sutton, where Dally was yelling into a pay phone at some guy named Jim Winston. I wondered vaguely if that was the old man who lived next to Marcia. The one who didn't give a hang.

Anyway, we went to the drive-in, and sat behind these two girls. One had red hair, and the other had dark hair. The dark-haired one was holding a Prod Of Canada. Just then, Dally beat his own record for saying something dirty.

"You're hot."

The redhead almost laughed. I think it was because of his bare feet, which were on the back of her chair. Dally has miniature hobbit feet.

She and Dally bickered for a while, then Dally stormed off. I didn't know what to say to the girls, since I lost my spot in the script. I got so flustered, I thought I was Johnny. But I didn't have time to think about that, because Tim Shephard power-walked over to us in an old lady tracksuit. I think he stole it from Rozamond and Marcia's school play last year. He was complaining about having to crack his own ribs, break his own nose, and slash his own tires. And he wanted to know where Dallas went.

Everyone was pretending they hadn't seen Dally, and I started to wink nonchalantly. Only the whole world could see it. Except for Tim. He didn't see it. But he did scowl at us and power-walk away.

Johnny and I talked to the girls after that, because I wasn't flustered any more, and found my place in the script again. Two-Bit ran into us... literally, he ran into us... while we were talking. He was drunk. And kept yelling weird stuff about Seth and Addy and Hayley and Sarah and Spencer and Russ and Ben and The Easter Bunny and Ponyboy being lost in the Great Smoky Mountains. I figured he was only saying that since he was crocked, considering I was Ponyboy, and I was sitting right there.

So the movie ended and we were walking the two girls home, when some drunken chickens with Soc's disease pulled up in a tuff Mustang. I figured they were the girls' boyfriends.

The two drunken chickens got out of the car, and slurred something about not picking up their women, and having four more of them in the back seat.

There was nobody in the back seat.

"Well... PITY THE BACK SEAT!" Two-Bit yelled. He pulled a Coke bottle out of nowhere, smashed it on a fence, then tossed it at me. WITHOUT CUTTING ME UP, OMG. Then, he flicked out his switchblade, and pointed it at the drunken chicken. All of that was done in 4. 9 seconds.

The chickens were afraid of Two-Bit, so they just quickly grabbed the two girls, shoved them in the car, and sped off.

We tried to make our walk to Tulsa again. We were successfully out of Norris, but had somehow landed ourselves in the drive-in in Maryville. Two-Bit randomly picked up an Amish-looking hat on the way, and exclaimed, "LOOKIT HERE GUYS, I GOT ME A NEW HAT. OH MY G!"

...Oh yes. Will Rogers definitely did that.

So we kept walking for like, eleven straight days, and eventually got to Tulsa. Where Johnny stabbed one of the drunken chickens, after he'd tried to drown me in a water fountain.

We went to find Dallas. He would know what to do.

"Hey, Soapy, are you wet?" He looked at me, like he was unable to tell or something.

"No. YES, DALLY, I'M BLEEDIN' WET!"

"...Oh. Well that sucks."

So Dally gave us some money and a gun, and we went to a church in Windrixville, where Johnny and me lived for a week. We had baloney that was somehow kept cold, and poorly-written smut happened pretty much the whole time.

Then Dally came back to get us, and we went to eat. That entire time, he used the word "man" eleventy times or something. But when we got back to the church, it was on fire.

"IT MUST BE HOT INSIDE THAT BUILDING," Dallas said loudly. I could tell he was thinking, Like Diane Lane.

We went in to save some little kids, except for Johnny got hit by a flaming piece of wood and Dally had to save him, only then he got burned too, and we all had to go to the hospital.

Then Johnny and Dally died. And Soda exploded. AND WE ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND I WROTE ANOTHER ENGLISH PAPER ON IT!