Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. You better thank your lucky stars that I don't own Twilight.

The Guidance Office

Mrs. Abram suggested that I start writing down my thoughts in a journal. She's my guidance counselor with all these fancy degrees in psychology, so she must know what she's doing. But a journal? A journal is a more mature term for a diary. I'm not the kind of person who writes in a diary. Angela is the kind of person who writes in a diary. Not me. Mrs. Abram said that I have a lot of pent up rage, and should use the "journal" as a way to vent.

Why isn't Mike Newton writing in some "journal"? He's the reason I was sent down to the guidance counselor in the first place! The whole thing started at lunch today. I was just done eating my salad with no dressing (yuck) because I'm trying to slim down. You see, unlike all the Stick-Thin Sally's in the world, I actually am sort of round. Mom says that this is a good thing, but I say different. Hanging out with twigs like Lauren and Angela isn't good for my self-esteem. Anyway, Mike was annoying me with his freaking taco. Like all the meat kept falling onto his tray taunting me with its meaty goodness. He saw me fantasizing over the taco and took it as an opportunity to mock me.

"Jessica," he said. "Why don't you get your own taco instead of drooling over mine?"

"Jessica is on a diet," Lauren said in her nasally voice that made me want to hurl up my salad.

"I can see why," was all Mike said.

Then the whole table got sort of quiet. The only people unfazed by this were Mike and Lauren who continued to eat their lunch like nothing was wrong. In my head I was screaming every swear word I could possibly think of. This led to me throwing my milk carton at Mike's dumb head. Then THAT led to retarded Eric screaming "FOOD FIGHT" which led to ME going to the guidance office and getting detention for a week.

The next time I see Mike I'm going to kick him in the balls.

My Room

Mrs. Abram told me I should write down all the positive things about myself. I can't think of any, so I'll just write random facts about me.

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT JESSICA STANLEY AS WRITTEN BY JESSICA STANLEY

1. My number one idol in the world is Gloria Steinem. She was this really cool woman's rights activist in the 70s. I had to do this report on her in eighth grade, and I felt that she was someone I should aspire to be like. I SHOULD aspire to be a trophy wife or a dentist, but I'd rather not.

2. I am a chocoholic. Chocolate makes me feel like I'm not a fat, pathetic loser wannabe. For instance, when I came home after my stint in detention I ate a whole Hershey's bar. It made me feel SOOOO much better.

3. I'm a self-taught guitar player. I write angry songs about Mike Newton and not being able to fit into a size two.

4. I was a Girl Scout for only a day. When I realized we had to wear these ugly hats, go camping, and actually DO stuff I was outta there.

5. The Stanley family is the only Jewish family in Forks, Washington. Sometimes it gets lonely being the only kid in town without a giant Santa Clause on their lawn.

English

When I was in second grade I met my future best friend, Angela Weber. She was the tallest girl in our class so everyone immediately thought she was freak. I was the only one who was nice to her. Like I let her eat my chocolate animal crackers at snack time and let her borrow my glue sticks etc, etc. We were inseparable. The in fourth grade we met Lauren Mallory. I can now say openly that Lauren is a bitch. She was always trying to get me to "break up" with Angela. She was probably jealous of our fabulous friendship because no one wanted to be friends with Lauren. Like I said, she was (and still is) a bitch.

I'm sitting in front of Lauren in English, and she keeps throwing Tic-Tacs at the back of my head. Like hell I'm turning around. She most likely wants to invite me on a shopping spree in Port Angeles where we can have some "girl talk" and eat parfaits. As much as I love parfaits, I wouldn't want to eat one with Lauren around. She'll make me feel guilty since she looks like a catalog model. Hmm… I want a parfait now.

Gym

I forged a doctor's note to get out of gym so I won't have to play co-ed volleyball. I'm sitting on the bleachers watching everyone else dive to get the little, white ball of doom. Ha ha. Mike just fell face-first into the floor. SUCK IT, NEWTON! KARMA IS A BITCH!

I heard the most revolting conversation in the lady's restroom before gym.

Dumb Gurl: Did you see, Edward Cullen today?

Even Dumber Gurl: He looked so hot!

Edward Cullen IS quite handsome, suave, debonair, etc., but he's also a total dick. I asked him out a few months ago because, even though I hate to admit it, I was once one of his many fan girls. All that dick did was smirk, and walk away. I was left heartbroken and forever scorned. I guess he only dates girls like Lauren Mallory. Girls who are pretty.

Men are scum.