Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

I'll try not to bash Yunseong. Try. I can't bash characters I don't really know, but I can't promise fair treatment. Flame me for it later, if Yun-dude is one of your favs or something.

And this poking fun at the some of the fandom's more...er, outrageous pairings. If you are a shipper of said pairings and feel offended...er, don't read?

--

The Fetus Factor

--

Talim was having a good day. She let out a happy sigh, stretched, catlike to the sky. Yunseong coughed and respectfully looked away. Really, it was painfully obvious that Talim had grown since they had first met. Talim was either blissfully oblivious to her maturing body or she was an evil temptress in disguise.

He snorted back a laugh, reclining further into the grass. Talim? A temptress? She was still traumatized from that time they had stayed next to a pair of honeymooners that one time on their journey to Soul Edge. Yes, Talim was far more mature than most fifteen year old girls, but when it came to the subject of sex, she was a little on the naive side. He had even ditched his shirt for her! Did that raise her stunted, girly hormones that were supposed to perk up when a hot guy was shirtless?! No! All she had done was so innocently tilt her head to the side and ask if he was cold without his shirt. Ugh. Women.

"Yunseong!" Talim chirped, bouncing in place. "Oh, Yunseong, look!"

"Does it have anything to do with the wind?" Yunseong asked, closing his eyes.

"Well...not exactly--"

"Talim."

"...Yes," she admitted softly.

"I'd rather not."

"Please?" He froze when she kneeled by his head, leaned over and blocked the sun; the light formed a sparkling halo around her head. His heart sped up. "For me?"

Oh yes! he mentally cheered, closing his eyes and puckering his lips. Finally! After weeks of running around shirtless, spending cold nights huddled around himself for warmth, finally! The moment he had been waiting for--

Talim let out an offended squeak and slapped him.

Ouch. Not exactly what he was going for.

"Yunseong!" Talim shrieked. "Wh-what were you thinking!"

"...I'd rather not say," Yunseong muttered, flushing.

"I am a priestess of the winds," Talim continued, holding her red cheeks and backing away from him as if he had contracted the plauge. "I must--"

"Remain pure, yadda yadda. Talim," Yunseong sat up. "We both know that's a load of bullcrap."

"How dare--"

"Your grandma, who is a wind priestess, had to do it to make your mommyor daddy," Yunseong began bluntly. "And your mommy and daddy had to do it to make you--"

"That's not true!" Talim shrieked. "The wind delivered us to Earth! The teachings told us so"

There was a pause.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"W-well..." Talim blushed. "T-That's what I was taught."

"BULL." Yunseong spun, regardles of the grass-stains he knew were forming on the seat of his pants.

"It is not! The wind delivered our souls from the Wind God, and formed our bodies out of the soil and--"

"So we're pottery?"

"No, it's just--"

"Talim," Yunseong said gently. He patted his knee. "Sit on my lap."

She eyed his knee with distaste, and raised an eyebrow as if to say Nice try buddy, not gonna happen.

"Sit down then. Lemme tell you something...."

--One mentally scarring conversation about babies and how they're made later...--

"Oh my goodness," Talim whimpered, her cheeks an unhealthy shade of green. "Th-...that's horrible...!"

"What!?" Yunseong barked, insulted. He look down at his lap. "It's just a p--"

"Don't say it!" Talim wailed, covering her ears and leaping away from the shirtless youth. He stood and went to comfort her. She shrieked and threw a rock at his head. "Don't touch me! Don't come near me!"

"Oh come on Talim," Yunseong sighed, backing away. "So I just shattered all your beliefs and probably made you a virgin forever; I've given up, so it's no big deal to me. Friendship's better than nothing, after all." He grinned. "Besides, there's such a thing called friends with benefits--"

Talim was famous for being a kind, forgiving individual. However, her death glare, rare that it was, was something that even Night Terror would fear.

"Um...kidding? I was kidding." She unsheated her weapons, twirled them, and Talim's Death Glare(tm) grew stronger. "U-Um...Talim?"

"Run," Talim said darkly. "You have a five second head-start."

"Can't we talk about this?" Yunseong squeaked.

"Five..."

Yunseong ran.

--One smackdown too epic to describe later...--

"Did you HAVE to hit that hard?" Yunseong growled, massaging the lump currently forming on his head. Talim's response was to turn her head and ignore him. He glared at her head; she continued to ignore him. That is until a strapping young man sauntered up, grinning. His black hair was spiked back, grey eyes with ice blue slashes; he was perfectly built, the pure example of a man.

Naturally, Talim, who was still suffering the effects of Yunseong's "talk", let out a terrified squeal at the sight and ducked behind a barrel. Unfortunately, he found her.

"Hello, lovely maiden," he said in a stylish rumble, yanking Talim's hand up, despite her protests, and placing a gentlemanly kiss on the back of it.

Talim whimpered, sending Yunseong a pathetic look. His heart melted, and he let out a quiet, "Awww," at the sight.

"My name is--" began the young man.

"Let me go!" Talim yelped, tugging at her hand. "I'm not interested!"

"Ah." He stared at her blankly. Then he smiled charmingly. "My name is Gary Stue--"

"Did I not just say I'm not interested!?" Talim began to pull away. "Let me go! Yunseong! Help!"

"Hang on Talim," Yunseong called out, unsheating White Storm and stomping over to where the young man was harrassing his friend. "Let her go!"

"Nope." The black haired youth then revealed the large club he had hidden behind his cape and whacked Yunseong over the head with it. The shirtless youth collapsed, unconscious.

Again.

"I'm doomed," Talim whimpered, palming her forehead.

"Hey!" a familiar voice screamed. Talim froze. It sounded like...like...

"Oh shit," Talim uttered, a rare curse slipping from her lips as she recognized the voice.

"Let the pretty, flat-chested jailbait go!" commanded the voice. A shadowed figure dropped from the rooftops, bounced off the unconscious Yunseong's stomach, did an impressive somersault, and landed in a crouch, ring blade slung across her shoulders. Talim got the sense of a bipolar disorder, a distorted wind, and of bat-shit insanity before the figure stepped into the light.

"You," Talim muttered sadly as her "savior" was revealed.

"Hi-ya, Flatchested Jailbait!" gretted a perky Tira, waving her clawed fingers at Talim. "Nice ta see ya again!"

"Who are you!?" demanded the annoyingly perfect Gary, ingnoring Talim's offended wail of, "I am not jailbait!"

Tira's face jerked, her neck snapped to the side. The look in her eyes changed. "I am your father!" she grizzled, stopping to make a ridiculous breathing noise by cupping her hands over her mouth. "Koo-hee!"

--

Darth Vader sneezed.

"Eeew!" he whined. "It's in my mask, koo-hee!!"

The Apprentice face-palmed.

--

Gary stared. "Um..."

"Don't mind her, she's crazy," Talim explained.

"Ah. Well, in that case--"

"Let the Jailbait go!" Tira boomed, switching personalities again. Her voice was death incarnate as she whispered, "And do it now, you pathetic excuse for a worm..."

"And if I don't?" challanged the young man. Talim sent up a quick prayer for his soul.

Tira's mouth spred into a huge, demented grin. Talim gulped as she held up her ring blade.

"If you don't," she continued in a low growl, "I'll make a Mary Sue out of you."

Gary practically threw Talim at Tira, and ran in the opposite direction, screaming wildly. Tira grinned happily and caught Talim, scooping up the abused priestess in a hug of rib-breaking proportions. Talim let out a little squeak of pain as she felt a few bones in her sternum pop out of place.

"U-Um--" she said softly. "You're hurting me."

"With love!"

"With pain!"

"Same difference."

--

"So," Tira blinked. "You finally learned where babies come from? As in, today? Seriously?" Tira laughed. "I'm clinically insane and I knew that!"

Talim blushed. "Oh..."

Yunseong leaped to his friend's defense. "Hey, lay off, alright? She's lived a sheltered life."

"I'm not making fun of her. Much. I just thought she knew that already."

"What gave you that idea?" Talim blinked.

"Well," Tira arched an eyebrow. "I can see your panties."

Talim blinked. "How? My pants cover everything!"

Tira stared. "They're also transparent."

Talim lowered her head. "Oh," she mumbled. "W-well, the mateial is more aerodynamic, and helps with my fighting and--"

"Shows off your tushie," Tira finished, causing Yunseong to choke on his tea. "It's sorta like you're asking for it, y'know?"

"What about you!?" Yunseong stuttered. "Your outfit's worse!"

"Duh," Tira rolled her eyes. "I'm insane, dude, I can get away with alot of shit. I can murder an entire village, blame it on Soul Edge and insanity, and I won't get in trouble."

Talim and Yunseong stared.

"That makes sense. Oddly enough," he murmured.

"She doesn't have an excuse," Tira continued. "Innocence only works when you're like, I dunno, twelve. Face it," Tira looked at Talim, "you're broadcasting a sex-signal to every pedophile in a one hundred mile radius."

"You would know," Yunseong muttered quietly.

"Oh dear," Talim squeaked.

"Yeah. You're screwed, chica, and not in a good way. But fear not!" Tira slung an arm around Talim's shoulders. "Tira's here. And I'm gonna keep all them nasty pedo-dudes away from ya."

"Aww, that's so sweet of you," Talim said softly. Yunseong snorted.

"Or maybe I won't," Tira said, shrugging. "Maybe you're one of those girls who are in to older men."

--

Cassandra sneezed.

Sophitia looked at her younger sister in concern.

"Are you catching a cold?"

--

"We're off to see the wizard!" Tira sang cheerfully, arms linked with Yunseong's and Talim's as she tried to get them to skip with her. "The wonderful wizard of Oz!"

"Kill me," Yunseong begged as they passed an elderly couple. "Please."

"Stop being such a whiner," Tira scolded. She turned to Talim with a grin. "Wanna ditch him and go off to see the wizard by ourselves?"

Talim stared. "Uh..."

"Don't worry," Tira said in a stage whisper. "There's no such thing as a wizard; we'll just ditch him."

"I can hear you," Yunseong said loudly.

Talim giggled, and suddenly, a gleam of crystal caught her eye. She look to her left...and then looked up, up and up. A tall, blonde haired man, decked in gleaming, crystalline armor. A large, crystalized sword was slung over his shoulder, and his blonde hair flared dramatically around his scarred face.

Fangirls around the world swooned.

Talim just waved. "Hello, sir."

"Hello," he rumbled.

Tira observed, stroking her chin in thought. "Interesting," she mumbled.

"My name is Siegfried," he said.

"I'm Talim."

"You two should get to know each other!" Tira screeched, popping between them. Talim and Siegfried shared a look.

"But I barely know--" They started.

"Hence the point of getting to know each other!" Tira's face shifted from happy smiles to a dark, evil sneer. "Now get the fuck in there!" she snarled, pointing at a random pub.

--

Talim coughed, very uncomfortable with the situation. She seemed like a tiny insect compared to Siegfried's towering height and bulky armor. He seemed uncomfrotable with the fact that he was shoved inside a resturant booth, with a very young girl blocking his escape. They shared an awkward cough.

"Small talk!" Tira demanded from her seat across from them. "Now!"

"Nice...weather we're having?" Siegfried mumbled.

"Oh," Talim shrugged. "It's...nice." She sipped at her drink.

"How...how old are you, anyway?"

"Fifteen."

"MY GOD YOU'RE A FETUS!" Siegfried shrieked. He flattened himself against the wall of the booth. "FETUS!"

Talim pouted. "I'm not that young--"

"FETUS!" The blonde man roared.

"Well, what about you Mr. Giant Sword!" Yunseong barked, coming again to Talim's defense. "I think you're compensating for something! Your ego, or your p--"

"AAAAAH!" Talim shrieked, leaping across the table and onto Tira's lap, clinging in a way similar to Scooby Doo.

"Still traumatized?" Tira whispered.

"Apparently," Yunseong said dryly.

"FETUS!" Siegfried screamed at Talim.

"COMPENSATING!" Talim screamed at Siegfried.

"FETUS!"

"COMPENSATING!"

Siegfried threw Soul Calibur out a nearby window, then followed the legendary sword soon after. Talim, Tira, and Yunseong watched as the blonde warrior ran down the street, screaming something about "Not going to jail" and "fetus".

There was a shared silence.

"That went well," Yunseong said.

"Well," Tira began in a chipper tone. "At least we found out he wasn't a pedo-dude!"

"Sure looked like he was compensating for something though." Yunseong continued. Talim wailed.

"Nice one," Tira said flatly as Talim started to sob into her shoulder.

--

To be continued?

--

Notes: This isn't well done. I'm ashamed.

Have no clue where this is going, by the way.