Just a quick note, this is set after Stop in The Name of Pants and the storyline should go along with that in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with a few little changes now and then! The main one being I made the characters in their fifth year rather than fourth. Anyway, Enjoy! Hopefully... maybe even, you know, leave us a review if you'd like. That'd be, um, nice.
CHAPTER 1
Sunday, September 18th
7 am
Bloody hell... I have been so rudely woken by my dear sister Libby, only to find her squeezing all life out of poor Gordy while jumping up and down on my botty. Gordy looks a tad miffed, which may be due to the fact his ears have somehow been tied in pigtails with what appears to be my new lippy is smudged all around his face. Lovely, I'm sure Angus will be thrilled to know his only son is on the turn... Which reminds me, I should go and see how he is coping in his bed of pain -
"GOOD MORNING BAAALLLLLTIMOOOOORE!"
"Yes, good morning Libby, wou-"
"EVERY DAY'S LIKE A BROKENNNN DOOOOOOOORRRRRRR"
Oh, that's right. The loon-in-training went to see that Hairspray musical with her "kindergarten group" yesterday. Jas was begging me to go, but being the mature and sophisticated woman (oo-er!) that I am, I of course refused.
2 minutes later
Turning over and snuggling my head back into the covers, much to Libby's dismay, I tried to push the whole kerfuffle of thoughts out of my stupid brain, which was of course protesting.
30 seconds later
Cor blimey, even my blithering brain is against me now!
1 minute later
Okay, Georgia, relax. It can't be that bad. After all, I can really only remember Masimo storming off into the shadows... no big deal, perhaps he had simply lost his handbag behind a bush and forgot to, you know, talk to me for the rest of the night. That doesn't mean he's angry with me! Just... preoccupied.
30 seconds later
Although that doesn't really explain why Dave stormed off in the other direction, muttering something of a rudey-dudey nature as he went.
1 minute later
I just went home with Jas! I claim no responsibility!
10 minutes later
Libby has resorted to pounding me with what sounds like Gordy from under my duvet. I suppose I'd better rise from my bed of pain before the poor thing requires back surgery.
Downstairs
5 minutes later
I am so vair, vair sick of boykind! Their actions leave me filled with confusiosity, and you know, I am a young and impressionable girl who cannot deal with the stress they place on her.
1 minute later
I think I will just ignore them completely! Yes, from now on, I am Georgia Nicolson - ignorer of boys.
20 seconds later
But not in a lezzie way, obviously.
30 seconds later
On the plus side, my new lifestyle choice means that no longer will there be any more red-bottomed incidents rearing their ugly head.
1 minute later
But then again, that would also mean no snogging...
5 minutes later
Bloody hell, my life is so difficult. Why does nothing make sense? I don't even understand how to deal with quadratic equations, how am I meant to deal wtih this?
Maybe I'll go and see if there is anything edible for brekky in our "fridge" to take my mind off the chaos that my life has become.
Kitchen
Hahahahahhahaha. Yes, I can definitely make a proper meal (which I need as a growing girl) out of a half-drunk can of beer, what looks to be mouldy carrot (half eaten, lovely) and an empty container of butter.
Why is there no food in this house? Is it that much to ask?
4 minutes later
I finally found a couple of weetabix and was tucking in to my tres, tres deliceux brekky, when Mutti came in with the post.
"Gee, there's a letter for you," she said, as she put it down on the table.
Oo-er.
"Who from?" I asked, dashing from the kitchen to the sitting room.
But alas, she had already dithered off somewhere. Probably to go and buy something edible.
20 seconds later
Oh, who am I kidding?
1 minute later
Anyway, I picked up the letter. The envelope looked a bit fancy, it was addressed to;
Miss Georgia Nicolson
The room on the far left, upstairs
13 Park Avenue
Eastbourne
Honestly, it looked like something out of those Harry Potter books, you know, the one with the prat and his glasses, who skips about shouting "LUMOS" and various other unspeakably naff things. It's probably something from the titches or maybe Nauseating P. Green, trying to be funny. Which they are not succeeding in doing, of course.
Anyway, opened the letter;
Dear Miss Nicolson,
It is with much excitement that I announce you are one of the few late-term admissions to be invited to attend Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry during the next term, which commences on the 20th of September, 2007.
I am aware that you are not aware of your magical nature, and unfortunately this notice is quite overdue. On behalf of the Ministry of Magic, I apologise profusely for not alerting you of this five years ago, but due to a large filing error in the Department of Muggle Communication, you and many other students' files were not processed correctly. You are rest assured that the employee responsible for this error has been dismissed from his job, and we are hoping this will not become an issue in the future.
Enclosed is your booklist for the next term, we advise you pre-order these books, due to such late notice. They will be delivered to your house dormitories as soon as possible.
Remember that the train from Platform 9 ¾ departs from Kings Cross Station at 1 pm exactly on the 19th. Please be punctual, as no other trains run to Hogwarts after this time.
Once again, we apologise for any inconveniences this late notice may have caused, but are looking forward to seeing you in the new term. I do believe you will have no difficulties catching up with all the magical skill learnt by students who have attended Hogwarts for the past 4 years, and will of course settle in fine. If you are ever uncertain, confused or worried about anything, feel free to come and see me in my office. I have an abundant supply of sherbert lemons and tea, and love a good chat. I look forward to meeting you soon!
Yours sincerely,
Professor Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore
Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Oh, my giddy-gods trousers. They can't be serious!
2 minutes later
I'm not a witch! I don't know how to wave a wand about and make bunnies and the like appear from no where. This is ridiculous!
"MUTTI!" I shouted,
1 minute later
Mum came into the room, looking a bit taken aback, "What is it, pet?"
"Come and look at this letter!"
Mutti read through it, and this she started laughing like a twit. I said, "What?"
Mutti looked at me and said, "Well, dear, this explains perfectly. I just never thought it would be you that inherited it!"
"What? Inherited what?"
"Oh, yes, Uncle Eddie's a wizard. Didn't you know that?"
"Why on earth would I?"
"Anyway, Gee, it'd be best if I went and sorted out the ordering form to get your books and wand and the like. It'll be rather exciting, won't it?"
I just looked at her.
"Oh, it'd be best if you read the box set of the Harry Potter books which I got you for Christmas... I think the third one just came out yesterday, actually. How exciting, I'll have to go out and buy it for you."
30 seconds later
Yes, of course, I will read this fictional book series and enjoy the tales of this little wizard before going off to join this fictional school of his! What a tremendous laugh it shall be!
10 am
Phone rang.
"Bonjour, National Center of the Vair Mad, Georgia speaking,"
"GEE! GEE!"
10 seconds later
It was Jas, because my day couldn't get any better.
"What do you want now?" I said.
"YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT?"
"You have finally realised that voles are not at all interesting?"
"Well... No, since, you know, they really are quite a fascinating species. You know, the other day me and Tom found this-"
"I'm sure we could disagree on that, mon pally."
"Oh, yes that's right. Let me get to my nub and gist!"
"Okay, get to it then!"
"Well, guess what?"
"You have lost all interest for all things muddy?"
"Don't be stupid, Georgia! Mud is the very soil which the world is built upon..."
"... Jas, just tell me"
"Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay, BUT GUESS WHAT!"
"We've been through this, now tell me what! I have better things to do!"
"I seriously doubt that you have anything better to do, apart from maybe displaying your red bottom to the world."
"Jas, do you want me to kill you?"
"All right, sorry, now guess what!"
"JAS, JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS YOU CALLED ME FOR BEFORE I HANG UP ON YOU."
"Okay, okay, I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS!"
5 seconds later
You could practically hear her twitch with joy.
"Oh, fantastic, that means I'll be going with you as well." I said, vis a vis a hint of sarcasticosity.
"What?"
"I got a letter as well."
"I can't believe you! I'm not lying, you know!"
"I know, neither am I."
She just hung up on me. How lovely.
30 seconds later
She called back, of course.
"Hello, Jas."
"Are you really going as well?"
"YES, JAS."
"Honestly?"
"YES, HONESTLY JAS."
Bloody hell.
20 seconds later
"Oh, well, then, I'll see you in London on the 19th."
"What?"
"We have to be at the station tomorrow! Didn't you read the letter?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"Honestly, you would be lost without me."
"Yes, so very lost."
"Anyway, I have to go, me and Tom are going on a last ramble before he leaves for college tonight. Tatty bye."
2 minutes later
Yeah, whatever, stupid Jas... with her stupid boyfriend.
11 am
Oh well, I'd better start packing my bags. I have seen those book covers, and I am quite shocked to say that the Hogwarts uniform is even more ridiculous than that of Stalag 14's... Oh my god! No more stalag 14! That means no more Wet Lindsay, no more Hawkeye! No more Slim! Or Elvis! Or berets! No more Herr Kamyer, camping trips or maths!
HURRAH!
I have hyped myself up from excitement. I must listen to some mad dancing music in order to fill myself with calmosity. I would try some exercises from my yoga book but it appears Gordy has taken it to the airing cupboard again - I am afraid I would rather die than go in there again.
2 minutes later
Hmm, while away on my witch-ish rambles, perhaps I shall learn the new ways of the Viking Bison Disco Inferno Dance. "The Viking Bison Disco Witchish Inferno Dance Extravaganza" certainly has a vair nice ring to it.
30 seconds later
Perhaps I can add in,
"Mad wand waving to the right, stamp, stamp.
Mad wand waving to the left, stamp, stamp.
Twirl around while sending sparks around head
transfigure the person on your left into a bison!"
30 seconds later
I am certainly wanting to meet this Harry Potter bloke, if he is real, that is...
Which he isn't, of course.
20 seconds later
I suppose I will miss my other friends while I am at Hogwarts.
2 minutes later
And I will of course, miss my gorgey Italian Stallion. OH MY GIDDY GOD'S TROUSERS! THE ITALIAN STALLION WHICH I HAVE TO CALL!
1 minute later
Sitting by the phone
Wait... What if he still has the huff with me? Maybe I should wait until he calls me.
10 minutes later
Well, he hasn't called me yet.
5 minutes later
Maybe I'll call him.
1 minute later
No, actually. I won't.
2 minutes later
I will!
10 minutes later
Although, coming to think of it, it would sound tres desperadoes.
4 minutes later
Actually, maybe I will.
30 seconds later
I don't know. Should I?
1 minute later
I really don't know what to do. Come to think of it , I don't really know anything, as that is the smartness which I possess. i.e. Nothing at all whatsoever.
2 minutes later
But one thing I DO know is that the handbag Masimo had yesterday did not look fashionable, it looked slightly on the girly-side of the watsit... I remember Dave in particular would not stop going on about how girly he looked.
10 seconds later
Why is Dave the Laugh in my head?
GET OUT. I am not interested in Dave the Laugh because I have my gorgey Italian Stallion, who is of course my only-one-and-only.
30 seconds later
What does stupid Dave the Laugh know, anyway?
5 minutes later
Actually, his sunglasses looked a bit on the girly side as well.
2 minutes later
But then again, he is vair, vair gorgey.
10 seconds later
And we must not be forgetting his tres fantastique lip nibbling techniques.
30 seconds later
Oh, wait, that was Dave the Laugh.
1 minutes later
Who, of course, I do not care about at all.
30 seconds later
Besides, he has his little ginger girlfriend.
5 minutes later
... Who is rather nice.
2 minutes later
Bugger.
11.40am
But putting all that aside, I really must get along with my packing. So far I have only packed about half of the make up supplies I will require while away for so long.
1 hour later
After searching the house for my favourite pair of ballet flats, I found them completely destroyed next to Angus. It appears that although he is restricted to his basket of pain, he has regained most of his destructive ways.
30 seconds later
Fantastic. He also destroyed my brand new jacket.
10.30pm
Spent the entire afternoon phoning people and telling them that I was going away to boarding school. They didn't really need to know where I was actually going, because I fear they may think I was a bit on the completely-insane side.
5 minutes later
I must say, I was vair scared by RoRo's good bye message, which does not need to be repeated here. I'm not completely sure what she said myself, but Sven said something in reindeer before going into what sounded like a slight dancing frenzy.
3 minutes later
Ellen dithered on for about 20 years before finally saying "Well, er, Gee... I guess that, er, I'll miss you a lot and er, something?" and would see me in the Chrimbo holidays.
And Dave actually didn't say anything, he just shouted "HOOOORN!" then hung up. God knows what goes around in his head, I know I certainly don't.
4 minutes later
God probably wouldn't know, either. In fact, I am guessing that God has already paid a visit to Dave's head and run screaming for his life.
2 minutes later
Oh, wait, no. God is supposed to be impotent or whatever Miss Wilson told us, so it could he could have run for her life, too.
What am I talking about? This is evidence that I am unfortunately dying from tirednosity and must take an urgent trip to le boboland.
Monday September 19th
9.30 am
Mutti came barging into my room, screaming,
"GEORGIA! WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO LEAVE FOR LONDON IN HALF AN HOUR OR WE WILL BE LATE!"
I can't really remember what happened next, but before I knew it Mutti was driving the clown car down to the tube station.
10 am
On the Tube
Well, we almost missed the train because I'd forgotten my oyster card. Mutti had to spend about 10 years flirting with the train-Elvis to let us have a ticket for half price, as my darling Mutti discovered she only had £1 in her purse.
2 minutes later
I just realised... I won't be seeing any of my other friends until Christmas! How will I live without RoRo and the Viking Disco Inferno Dance? I can't imagine all the wizard types would find it particularly amusing. Then there's Ellen and all her dithering.
5 minutes later
Bloody hell. I'm going to be spending every day with Jas. NO!
Oh no, hold onto your pants Georgia, there is still a tiny titch of hope left. There are 4 Hogwarts houses, arent there? Yes... I think that sounds right.
Maybe she'll be in Slytherin.
20 seconds later
Hahahahahaha, Jazzy Spazzy may have a few problems one of the Slytherin meanies sets her stuffed owls on fire.
10 minutes later
Although as much as I would hate to admit, I would be as lost as a wandering lost thing without my Jas by my side. Besides, it will be great having someone to be bluntly honest or remind me of my red bottomosity on a daily basis! Especially since I'm going to be in such an unfamiliar environment...
2 minutes later
Oo-er.
11.30 am
Oh, great, Mutti has fallen asleep on my shoulder. Am I in for an exciting train trip! Not to mention the dishy boy sitting across from me is staring at Mutti with a slightly terrified look.
I don't blame him, either.
12.45pm
Off the train
Bugger, bugger, pant, pant... Running along a station is vair impossible when you are carrying a large suitcase full of makeup supplies for 4 months.
5 minutes later
Pants! the train is leaving in 10 minutes.
30 seconds later
Okay, nearly there.
Mutti said,
"Oh bugger, I completely forgot! LIBBY!"
"What? Where is she?" I said.
"Still at Grandpas.. I said I'd get her at half past 12. I must dash, love."
She kissed my cheek, and after rambling on about how to "Stay out of trouble, dear, write every day!" and ran off back down to Platform 2.
Okay.
Now to find this 'Platform 9 and ¾!
10 seconds later
I'm at Platform 8 now.
40 seconds later
Ah yes, now I'm on platform 9.
5 seconds later
What in the name of pants? THERE IS NO PLATFORM 9 and ¾ IN SIGHT!
I know! I'll ask the train conductor.
10 seconds later
Oh, charming.
He said "You think you're funny, love? Bugger off."
5 seconds later
Although, I did accidentally say, "Excuse me, Mr-Fat-Controller-Sir"... But that is beside the point! Where am I supposed to go from here?
20 seconds later
If I miss this train I am going to kill Mutti.
10 seconds later
Oh, right, I can see all these gingers sprinting down the platform with suitcases. Maybe they're magical-types too.
I'll just follow them.
10 seconds later
Pants! One of them fell over but none of his family noticed. They're all running through a wall. What? Anyway, I went to go help the ginger up.
"Hi, are you all right?" I said, retrieving a rather midgetty owl in a cage a few metres away. It looked a bit like an owly-type prat poodle, and it was squeeking at me.
"SHUT UP, PIG!" He shouted at the owl, while trying to pick up all of his books, but dropping them.
"Are you a wizard, too?"
He looked up at me for a second. He was quite tall and had about 500 (and I mean it) freckles on his nose.
"Yeah, why? Oh, are you one of the new people Dumbledore was talking about at the end of last term?"
"Uh, I guess so." I said
"Well then, RUN, WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE TRAIN!"
He ran through the wall.
10 seconds later
What?
Oh well, I ran through with all my bags, too.
10 minutes later
On the Hogwarts Express
The ginger, who turned out to be called "Ron" (I ask you...) and I only just got on the train before it left. Ron was walking through the corridors looking into carriage windows. He said he was looking for his friends, and that I should follow him, so I did.
5 minutes later
I was looking at the different people in the carriages, first I saw some bloke who reminded me of a male Wet Lindsay, minus the thong and stupid hair extensions.
Ron turned around and said,
"Georgia, my friends are in this carriage, do you want to sit with us?"
"Yeah, I suppose. My friend Jas is supposed to be coming to Hogwarts too but I can find her later"
He slid open the door. Sitting on the seat to the right was a really skinny bloke with black scruffy hair and unspeakably naff round glasses on, actually he looked like -
"OH MY GIDDY-GOD'S TROUSERS... ARE YOU HARRY POTTER?"
20 seconds later
I had suddenly realised!
The guy turned and looked at me for a moment, then sighed and replied, "Yeah, who are you?"
"Me? Oh.. Um, I'm, er..."
I heard a familar fringey voice from behind me say, "Her name is Georgia."
Jas! She had just walked in with some girl whose hair appeared to have exploded. Explodey-hair-girl was now holding a wand and explaining all about it to her. Great, Jas has already found a vole-ish pal to spend time with.
2 minutes later
A rather roly-poly boy thundered into the compartment, asking nervously if he could join them.
30 seconds later
He sat down, then said (I am completely and utterly serious), "Hello! My name's Neville Longbottom!"
5 minutes later
I am still red from laughing. Neville Longbottom!
1 minute later
"So, Georgia," Harry said, "Are you looking forward to starting at Hogwarts?"
"I guess. But I'm going to miss-" I started to reply, but was interrupted by a rather loud exploding sound coming from right outside our door.
10 seconds later
"Ooh, crap. Sorry to bother you, wizardy chums... You see, I appear to have found myself in a bit of a situation which I cannot rid myself of," someone said as the door slid open.
It couldn't be!
It was.