"Love...love…"

My head jolts up mid-snore. I feel like I haven't stopped sleeping since I laid my head on 2D's shoulder. But the sun is setting on a different day and instead of holding me, my purple-haired knight stands taller than most things in the tour bus we're on.

"What? What time is it?" I look at my wrist, but my watch is missing. It falls to the table with a clatter. My forehead pulses with relief. "Where are we?"

"Uh…" Clearly, he isn't sure. "'re you sure you're gonna be awlri'ht?" 2D asks instead, hunching until he's eye level with me. "Y'u've been so tired lately."

"Move it or lose it!" Murdoc yells and shoves the singer to walk by. "We've got hair and makeup!" 2D lands with his face in my collarbone and his hand on the wall behind me, leaving me trapped under him. I can feel my heart ready to pop out like a baby xenomorph.

"'Re you awlri'ght...again?"

I crawl my way to freedom over the table and out of the bus. Outside the air feels thin and it cools my face. There's a pain in my chest. 'How the hell did I even get so sweaty? I wonder if 2D noticed...nevermind, where are we?' A quick inspection showed we were at another venue. Last I remember we were going to the Edinburgh Corn Exchange, some concert hall in Scotland. 'Is that why it's so cold?'

There's a door to backstage and our things are set up. Some faces, old and new, have already started getting our things together. Noodle is watching as they fasten the white screen from the rafters. "We're already here? Why didn't you wake me?!"

Dressed in another jumper dress and helmet combo, she frowns at me. "You were sleeping on bus. Go back and sleep." She's holding my laptop with my scheduling notes pulled up. The time shows we're going on soon. I'm late.

I swipe it away from her. "Who said you can touch my stuff? I needed this for today!"

She follows me when I try to walk away. "You're going too fast! You're not band-o manager! You're band member! You need to stop-"

"Noodle, I know. I'm just used to things being a certain way when we set up our shows. It's better this way, and Murdoc hates it when things aren't perfect." I stop near the refreshments table where Russel is. He tries to eat a sandwich made of donuts that can't be good for him. I smack it out of his hands and replace it with a carrot stick dipped in ranch. There's a slight pain in my chest. I take a bottled water with me and go. "What did Murdoc say about hair and makeup?"

"What?"

I start to walk again, this time heading for the stringed instruments on the opposite wing. Noodle follows. "Murdoc said something about hair and makeup when he got off the bus. Did you see him? Did he disappear somewhere he shouldn't have?" I bend over the bass. There's broken strings, from when Murdoc threw it after the "mudbath," no doubt. I call for a guy to replace the strings and he says he's on break. I growl in frustration. "Can you help me restring this?"

"I don't know how."

"Never mind then," I put down the water and bend over it myself, trying to make quick work of tying and tuning the D and G in place. I cut myself on one of the metal wires. I put the finger in my mouth and turn my attention to the rest of the-

Noodle strums her guitar and the speakers blast with a D chord. Apparently there's a small crowd in the stands already. They cheer, excited to hear some life. "Destiny, you're being crazy!" She proclaims in a frustrated tone. "Things are fine. Go rest before the show!"

"There's people coming in already, Noodle! There's no time to rest." Someone plugged backup cords in when they should've used the ones I have tape around, indicating to use those first. "Can you please go make sure…" I refer to the screen. "Brent, the venue contact, has the air on back here? Remember last time we were so hot we took our jackets off?"

"We were in Dublin. In July," Noodle emphasizes. I think about it before not thinking about it. That wasn't the point here. "Destiny, you'll hurt yourself. No sleep is not good."

I just finish the wiring when the break guy shows up and asks what needs to be restrung. I banish him to do something else. The crowd sounds like it's growing while I stand on my laptop and give the stage a final check. Most things seem in place, but I know the green dictator will have words with me over details I can't attend to. "I need to get us on stage-"

"They are," Noodle gestures to the stage where our band is waiting. Murdoc snaps at me and I grab my keytar and his bass. Noodle walks beside me. "Next time before show you need rest. You are too much trying to get little things okay!"

"And everything is okay," I assure her as the lights dim and the projector kicks on. The audience starts to cheer. "The only things I do before we go on is make sure we're ready. And we are; we're here now, the lights are off, and we need to play. Okay?" We start M1-A1 and I regret not having the water bottle still; the air isn't turned on.

September 24th 2001: Edinburgh Corn Exchange

I'm standing alone in the middle of a dark room now. There are three mirrors in front of me- when I walk up, the reflections are different. In the first, I'm most familiar; a cartoon that looks like strange molded features on a computer animation come to life. Ever since Murdoc hit me in the head when we were recording the album and it somehow jogged my appearance to exist in reality the way it does now. Even factors like physics and logic changed for me, but it's the version of myself I've known for over a year.

In another reflection I look human, pre-Jamaica, and dressed in the clothes I always wore around my brother. In that life, I was always so reserved and never seemed to have control for my life. Derrick's evil manager made me want to vanish in the background so he wouldn't be able to manipulate me into suicide like he had my brother.

I remember when I had to make a choice between the two reflections and which life I wanted for myself; one where Murdoc yells at me for every choice I make, or where I don't make choices at all. It's been over a year and I'm still not sure these paths were for me. I turn away to the third mirror.

It was an entirely new reflection. I walk closer. The person looking back appears to be older. She has dark skin- tanned from years in the sun- under a tank top and white shorts. She has long, dark brown hair that almost reaches her elbows. Her eyes were brown, nose large and flat, her lips large. She stood taller than me by a foot and- contrasting to my pre-Gorillaz image- she was sleek and smooth.

I was confused by this new woman; why would she be next to these versions of myself? I looked between the three, but only one follows. It's now a tall and slender man who I once knew as a boy. He's not 2D or Stuart. A part of me knows it's Derrick had he not passed away in the fire. He smiles infectiously at the strange woman.

"Mom?"

Her lips curl. Incredulously? In confirmation? I'm not sure. But she holds out her hand when I do.

"Mom...mom…"

"Ma'am?" A voice calls above me and I spring to life, only to hit my head on the wooden canopy above. I groan and hiss in pain. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," I respond, rubbing the dull pain and carefully swinging my legs over the lower bunk in rhythm with the moving bus. I'd dreamt so hard that I needed to check my watch again. It's late at night- or early morning? Anyway, there aren't any lights out the window and it's still after the Edinburgh show. "What is it, Charlie?"

Charlie, our bus driver, was surprisingly not doing his job. This set off alarms in my head immediately- and a pain in my chest- as we're still moving. "It's Mr. Niccals, mum. He won't let go of the wheel."

"Murdoc!" I cry and start moving to the front. Lo and behold the devil man has his ass planted in the driver's seat, going at a surprisingly reasonable speed. "What are you doing? You're not licensed to drive a bus!"

"Shut it," he hushes. "We're almost to the Three Kings Hole in the Wall."

"The what?"

"Is where there's really good burgers and their own in-house king's brew. Trust me, 's a good time."

I pinch the bridge of my brows. "Murdoc, tell me we're still on the way to Birmingham?"

"'S alright," he muses. "I am a master cardiologist." We pass a sign for New Galloway.

"First off, it's cartographer," I correct. "Second, are we seriously not going south? You're taking us west! The least you could've done is take us southwest, instead of going to a peninsula! We're supposed to be...and you're…" I slow as I feel exhausted and it's not phasing Murdoc in the slightest. Deadpan, I pull the cord above for emergency stops, the bus screeching to a halt. Murdoc starts to protest, but I pull his reverse-cross. Fearful it might break, he comes out of the seat with it until he smacks my head. I smack him back. He pushes me to the floor. Charlie takes the wheel again and turns us south.

From the floor, I see Murdoc walk away to the back of the bus. He's claimed the small double bed that was tucked above the rear wheels as the rest of the band is spilled in the main cabin. Next to the velvety privacy curtain Murdoc draws are four bunks for the lot of us to sleep. Russel laid up top scratching his head, probably woken from our ruckus. Noodle plays a PlayStation on the small TV near the sitting area. 2D sits across her, fiddling with a Rubik's cube. I walk pass him and he muses,

"It's always just teh last two bricks...I can't seem to get teh last two to fit…"

I sigh and roll my eyes.

September 25th 2001: Birmingham Academy

We gather back on the bus with Charlie in the driver's seat, making the engine turn over with a thunder until we settle. I remind him we must be in Manchester for the concert by early tomorrow and he drives off, leaving a still-cheering Birmingham behind us. I open my laptop to start typing where 2D and Noodle argue over the PlayStation.

"You 'ad your turn before we got on the bus last time! I's my turn, Noodle!" My irritated best friend claims, trying to wrestle the controller from her. She eventually concedes and sits across from me. I note that next time she'll have a turn before we fall into a comfortable silence.

Soon, "It's too bad we couldn't play the encore." I nod. Noodle watches me intensely, as if it's my fault. "I feel bad leaving those who expect...more from us."

"I know," I mumble before sighing. "But that's what it means to be on a tour; always having someplace to be, never really getting the chance to care for the place you're at, once you did what had to be done."

"Is that how you feel when you don't take a break?" Noodle says it as though there's a sour taste in her mouth.

I close my laptop and smirk at her cynically. "I should have known this wasn't going to be a pleasant chat."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She's immediately defensive.

"Look, I get it. I have to remember to sleep and eat while on the road-"

"And not be so bossy!" Noodle interrupts. I give her a look and she backtracks, "Not...not like mean bossy, like acting like a boss."

"But I have other responsibilities, I have things to do in every aspect of being on the road. Ones that take precedence over my well-being."

"Noffink means more tan your well bein'," 2D laments from the sofa, making eye contact with me. A highway lamp passes and illuminates his eyes. His distressed expression puts a pain in my chest.

I shake it off. "Look, I get it. I'm acting like a crazy person. But its just for four days. One week for another few months of relaxing isn't a bad trade off." Noodle seems unsatisfied with the calm, press-like delivery of my words. She slumps back in her seat. "It's temporary. Trust me, I know it's temporary."

"Do you know from when you toured with your brother?"

Her question catches me off guard. Seeing a glimpse of Derrick in my recent dream and her mentioning him weren't what I expected on another bus tour. I can't believe I failed to put two and two together when we even started this trip- my disdain for the constant travel and the fact that it drove my twin brother to suicide.

I try to shrug it off. "Yes...but it's fine...promise."

2D shifted his attention to video games again and Noodle sits next to me. "Anyway, are you still not talking to him?"

I make sure he isn't listening- he's unable to make the character on TV stop jumping, though his finger clearly lays on the jump button. He might take a while connecting the dots. "It's not like that," I finally murmur, in Japanese to be safe.

She goes on in Japanese, "What is it like then? Ever since you started planning this tour, you've been distant." She pauses with a frown. "Don't think I don't notice your falling in and out with him. One second you're like glue, the next you don't talk. First he hugs you when you were sad about New York, then you don't look at him all tour. I thought you have a crush on him."

"I do," I tell her, though I forgot she knows. I wonder if she's asking all this because she's jealous of how close 2D and I can be. I make a mental note to start hanging out with Noodle more. "It's just...things got really complicated and messy."

"More than 'liking someone twelve years older than you and living under the same roof' messy?"

I blush at the thought. It was my own plague. "Yes...why're you asking now anyway?"

She shrugs. "I don't know anymore. It just seems like we're less your friends and more...something you need to keep tabs on." I mentally crumple up the note and throw it far, far away. "Do less work; come hang out with us and play PlayStation or write songs."

"Destiny? Can I speak with you please?" Russel says from his top bunk.

I give Noodle a longing look and she smiles. "Just think about it," she dismisses and leaves the table. 2D is still struggling with the video game, so Noodle sits by him and whips the controller away, easily maneuvering the character. I also leave the table and hoist myself to Russel's side on the top bunk.

"Yeah, Russ?"

"What happened to butting out of Murdoc's business?" he asks, less strict than so. "You've been sleeping in, missing check-ins you're usually on time for, and then this bus stuff? What's up with this behavior? Have you given any thought to the words I said about not letting him get to you?"

I sigh. 'Great- more things I'm doing wrong.' "I'm working on it. Things will get better." Quickly, I change subjects. "Do you know if D12 and Terry left our house yet?"

"Proof sent me an email they did. He threw the copy of the key we gave him in the landfill like we told him." He shows me the email.

"What've you been working on up here anyway? After all, that is your PlayStation."

Russel puts a hand on my shoulder. "Har har….take a look." He shows me on his new laptop a page with the sound mixing tool we use in Kong Studios. "I'm just fiddling with a few beats and tunes. Maybe something useable, would you agree?"

We sit and listen for a period of time to his creations. "It's good. Especially since we couldn't use too many with D12. It'd be great to get these in reserve when we have more downtime next week."

Russel tosses his head to the side, mulling over my words. "I'd like to draft two rappers of my own, actually." He pulls up emails between him and the two newbies. "Si and Life from the rap duo Phi Life Cypher. Remember that diddy you played before you left for the awards show? With their help, it'd make for a great remix to put on your album. Y'know, the G-Sides one."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, suddenly reminded of the other project Noodle and I had going on. We were expecting a soft launch at the start of the new year, but we hadn't given anymore thought to what we would do with it after our Japan visit. "Another track would be great for the album. I'm sorry; we never thought to ask if you'd want to be in on the album."

"It's alright," Russel says while typing away at his keyboard before smiling. "You've got a lot on your plate. I'm sure you forgot what you said in Japa-"

"Squeaker!"

"God dammit," I wince under my breath. Russel shot me a look to watch my profanity again. I slid away from him and open the curtains. "What?"

I pause. The mattress had been thrown up on the wall, maps of the whole world on the belly of the thing. It'd been expertly crossed off in precise rhyme and reason while the rest of the floor was littered with bottles, clothes, and a shirtless Murdoc, swigging from a half empty bottle of grog.

"You really made this your home." Me, sarcastically.

"What's this gap between our tour dates?"

"Between what dates?"

"Manchester," he points. "And the Forum."

"London?"

"Yes, bloody London."

"They couldn't host us sooner. And with travel-"

"I don't sodding care about travel!" Murdoc erupts, spilling some alcohol on me. "Get something in that gap before I shine you like I did 2D's teeth!"

"We'll be on this bus-" Murdoc's bottle shattering on the wall next to my head made me duck. There's a pain in my chest. Clearly he wasn't listening to reason. I growl and close the curtains.

The bus pulled up to Manchester and stopped. I should have been sleeping. I should have spent the hours before the show relaxing with my friends. But I didn't. I planned a whole other stop for tomorrow, passing one contract after another back and forth, figuring out budgets, talking to Charlie about driving us up and down the country again, but it was planned. Another stop in Edinburgh.

"Hey guys," I started and noticed my voice was very groggy sounding. Good thing I don't sing...wait, yes I do. Crap. "We have one more stop between here and London, okay? We'll be going to Edinburgh before our final stop-" My announcement was met with groans. I pause and ask, "okay, what's wrong?"

"Anotha show?" 2D complains. "I want ta go 'ome…"

"Oh, shut it," Murdoc flicks his nose with an overgrown fingernail. "She's done great work. Not thrilled to be heading north again, but maybe this time we can get that king's brew. Lovely job," Murdoc pats my shoulder and bounds off the bus with pep in his step. My shoulder feels sore from hunching over my laptop. There's a pain in my chest.

Noodle looks at me, upset. "Why Edinburgh again?"

"Because you just finished telling me how you wanted to play an encore for them!" I argue.

"Yes, but in the moment. It's not the same night, with the same energy." She shakes her head. "This is not 'okay like you promised.'"

"But Noodle-" she strides away before I can make my case. "Russel...I was just-"

"You gave in to what he wanted again, Dest…" Russel said with such sorrow in his voice. "I just...we'll talk about this at home, okay?" He gets down from the bus slowly. That left 2D and I, and I couldn't stand it. I threw my laptop on the table and stormed out.

I walked to the other side of the bus and started walking in one direction for a long time. Despite it having warmed up over time, I still felt cold streaks down my face. 'I do so much,' I think, letting myself throw another preteen tantrum. 'Why does it seem like I can't get anything right? Why am I always getting heat for just doing my job?' There's a pain in my chest. I take a moment to realize just how physically tired I am. I feel like I haven't since we've hit the road. I can't even remember the last time I ate. 'Noodle was right. I should be taking care of myself.'

A teal light makes me stop in my tracks. Del was behind me. I didn't realize I was alone until he appeared. "Is Russel okay?" That's the first thing I ask.

"He was so upset, he ate himself into a food coma. Last time he did that, you were with me in Demon Days," Del said, enthusiastically.

I turned around to face him and he hadn't changed. Our relationship seems like he needs no introduction though I still have some lingering fear of his unpredictable paranormal powers. "What do I do?" I ask him.

"Haven't you done enough?" He asked. The pain in my chest is ever present, but that stab particularly hurt. "My point is, what's the harm in taking a break? Being a performer?"

"My brother was a performer. And he hated these tours so much, that- well...look where that got him." I shake my head and pull my jacket tighter around me before shoving my hands in the pockets. "It's easier to manage what happens then let it happen to me. That's why I've been so...bossy." Tears prick my eyes and I shake my head before covering them and groaning. "I just don't know what to do. I just want to go to sleep and let my body relax. I'm so tired, Del. I just want to go home."

Del seemed to speak too quickly, "I can do that for you." I'm confused by his words. "Have it so you just have to worry about going home when the tour is over. Is that what you want?"

I sniffle and shrug with a smile. "Does that option even exist right now?"

"It does if you let it." Del said, rubbing his hands together and squaring his shoulders.

"I want that. But I don't understand...what are you getting at?"

"Relax…" He tells me and holds his hand out at my head. "And I'll show you."

The last thing I remember is falling to the ground.

The pain in my chest is real. The headache I have is real. Man, I'm exhausted. But that's okay! I better get to stage before the show starts without me.

I look at my watch. It should be starting soon! I better get to the stage.

I start to run. Running feels amazing. I'm tired, but my feet hit the pavement one foot after another. I go through the exterior door. It's a hallway. I reach for door knobs and pull each one open. One leads to a green room. The green room leads to the stage. That's what I wanted!

I'm tired, but I can't stop smiling. I want a drink. Isn't there a water bottle? No, that was from last time. I ask someone for a water bottle.

"Drink?"

"Yes, Miss Brooks, there's refreshments in the green room."

"Thank!"

I walk to the green room. There's a water bottle. I drink it, but I can't get the water to go down my throat. I tilt my head back, hoping it slides down. It doesn't and I start to cough. Water falls out of my mouth and on my jacket. It's okay. I take my jacket off.

What're you doing to me?

It's okay, I'm helping.

This isn't what I wanted.

Shut up, you said it is.

"Miss Brooks, we're ready."

Oh boy! Time to play.

I run back to the stage. My body feels almost empty. I'm going to make sure I can play a lot before I can't anymore. I see Russel! He's behind the drums. Other people are with instruments. There's one instrument left. I pick it up. It looks complicated. I hope I know how to play it.

Please stop this. Give me back control.

No, you want to relax.

I didn't want it like this.

Just sit back and relax. You'll see what a good job I can do.

I strum the strings. I press it's keys. I do know how to play the instrument!

People start yelling. Cheering? My ears hurt. My head hurts. A man with an instrument starts counting. One and two, and one and two, he says. The white wall has pictures on it. I play the instrument with the man. I'm doing it right! I like that my body can play the instrument right.

I don't want this. Give me my body back.

We play lots of songs and the crowd likes it. I've been playing well, but I can play better. My body is about to be empty. But I want to give one last song!

Please don't empty my body.

How does that saying go? Anything you can do, I can do better? I will!

This white wall with pictures goes on for a while, but there is an end.

"Destiny? What're you doing?"

"Shortstack, Get back here!"

"Play!" I tell them.

The next song plays. I look at the screen. It's a graveyard. It has Russel on it! The others are on it too. The body I'm in is on it! I know the song. I want to play it for the crowd.

I step in front of the screen and the crowd is loud. They're loud for me! I play for them and smile because I can put on one last show for them. I want them to have what's left of this body.

I'm begging you. Don't empty my body.

I play the instrument and the crowd is happy. I hear people from behind the screen to "get down," but the crowd is happy. I want the crowd to be happy.

I can feel the body shutting down. It's head hurts. It's heart hurts. The hands are shaky. But I want to play.

No.

I focus on playing the last part of the song. It makes the body empty faster, but I want to play the last part.

Del.

The body is almost empty. The owner of this body is getting quieter.

Please.

The song is over. The stage is dark now.

Del...I don't…

This body gave all it could. The crowd is happy I emptied it.

want this.

The pain in my chest stops. The pain in my head stops.

I have emptied this body.

Thanks for reading. Follow the story and review if you'd like. To see artwork that I've made for Gorillaz and the story, watch gogorillazgone on Deviantart