Jimmy Olsen, You're Screwed, a smallville fanfic

Jimmy Olsen, You're Screwed

Note: Well, I'm back. I just can't stay away. AND I've returned with a longer-than-usual Jimmy-inspired story! Anyway, hope you enjoy. Spoilers for future episodes (and the Promotional Trailer for Bride), and should take place sometime after Bride, and after Lana Lang leaves.

Disclaimer: … I do not feel the need to justify this with a comment. But, just in case some random person decides to try and sue me, I DON'T OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT THE PLOT. Got it? I DO NOT own Smallville, or anything related. I don't even own Jimmy. Or his black balaclava. I do, however, own Counter Guy, and Rocky the Evil Doberman.

Inspired by a rather random image I had stuck in my mind of a rather terrified looking Jimmy. All of a sudden, he was wearing a black balaclava, and this was born.

Here goes nothing.

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Prologue

Jimmy Olsen was scared.

And not his usual Lois-or-someone-else-very-tall-wants-me-dead scared, but more of an oh-god-a-very-big-dog-with-very-sharp-teeth-wants-to-eat-me scared. Jimmy Olsen, he thought, you're screwed.

You see, at the moment, Jimmy was wearing a black balaclava, and being chased down the street by a very angry looking guard dog. The dog snarled, and Jimmy ran faster, fully aware of the dog's very pointy teeth. The dog looked like a Doberman, or maybe some other type of dog, but it was rather dark out, and Jimmy found he didn't really care. Jimmy ran faster. The dog ran faster. The balaclava rode up, half covering his eyes, and he tore it off. That's when he saw it.

A convenience store! Haven!

He ran as fast as he possibly could, ripped open the convenience store door, and slammed it behind him, successfully stopping the dog. He collapsed, bent in half, hands on his thighs, breathing hard.

Everyone in the small store stared at him.

"THAT'S IT!" he shouted, "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I EVER TRY TO HELP ANYONE COME TO THEIR SENSES! FROM NOW ON THEY CAN FIGURE IT OUT THEMSELVES!"

Everyone still stared at him. Someone coughed. Jimmy swallowed. He peeked out the glass door behind him. The dog was gone.

"Well," he said, "I should probably be going now."

No one moved. He wrenched open the door and exited the convenience store. It began to snow. He started back down the street, no dog chasing him.

Suffice to say, Jimmy wasn't having the best day.

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Part One

One Hundred and Twenty Hours Earlier

Monday.

Jimmy Olsen leaned against the break room door, peering through the glass at Clark and Lois. Jimmy sighed. When were those two going to figure out that they were destined to be together? Frankly, it was starting to bug him. He looked down at the gold band on his left hand and smiled, thinking of his new wife, Chloe. He sighed again, and peered out the door a second time. From here (while Jimmy was no reader-of-lips) he could tell they were arguing. Clark was still sitting, and Lois was standing about one foot away from him, gesturing wildly.

She looked pissed.

Jimmy shook his head, and continued watching. Clark said something, which seemed to make Lois even angrier, and in an attempt to pacify, he stood up and laid a hand on her shoulder.

Then he made a mistake. While Jimmy was no reader-of-lips, he could perfectly see what Clark said next: "Calm down." Now Jimmy was pretty sure his friend was smart, but this was a rather stupid thing to do. Jimmy knew enough about Lois, to know that telling her to calm down was a bad idea. She looked livid.

And sort of like her head might explode.

Jimmy waited with baited breath, but to his surprise, before Lois could say another word, Clark reached up and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, letting his fingers brush her cheek as he did so. To add to Jimmy's surprise, Lois actually seemed to calm down. Kiss her, Jimmy thought.

No one moved. Suddenly, another reporter walked in, and the two jumped apart. Jimmy smacked his forehead. So close, he thought, and yet, so far. To be honest, Jimmy was surprised they weren't together yet. They'd seemed closer at his and Chloe's wedding, and now that Lana had left, Jimmy didn't know what was stopping them.

Which was what brought him to his next decision: he was going to bring them to their senses, and get them together. And that was final. Whether they liked it or not. Jimmy didn't bother himself with how he was going to do this, at the moment. Instead he put a few coins into the vending machine and picked up the bottle of water that was then dispensed.

Screwing the cap off as he returned to his desk, Jimmy sighed once more. He had the feeling this was going to be very complicated. Then again, they shouldn't need too much help. And besides, what was the worst that could happen?

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Part Two

Chloe Is No Help

Tuesday.

"Chloe, how are we going to get Clark and Lois together?"

Jimmy stared at his wife from across the table. Chloe snorted, and shook her head.

"We? I'm not doing anything. It's a suicide mission," she said.

Jimmy blinked.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"What I mean," Chloe said, "is that Lois will figure out what you're up to, and rip your head off. And then Clark will figure it out as well, and take part in your painful and very slow murder. You know them, they're as stubborn as it gets. It's nothing personal, Honey, I just like living."

Jimmy swallowed. She had a point. But Jimmy decided to be brave.

"I'm going to try anyway," he informed Chloe, "You'll see. I'll have them together in less than a week."

Chloe rolled her eyes and patted his hand consolingly.

"You do that," she said.

Jimmy lay on his bed, trying to come up with a brilliant idea. He had nothing. He sighed, and stood up. He needed some inspiration. He grabbed his jacket, put on his shoes, and walked to the door, turning the knob and opening it. Chloe heard this.

"Where are you going?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, umm, to… Clark's," he said quickly.

This wasn't a direct lie – he was going to the Kent farm. That didn't necessarily mean Clark was going to know he was there.

"Okay," Chloe said.

Jimmy walked out, and closed the door behind him. He walked down to his car, pulling his jacket closer against the biting wind. He got into his car, and pulled out of the parking lot, heading out of town.

Jimmy arrived at the Clark's place a little while later, making sure to park a good half mile away. Let the spying begin, he thought. He hadn't thought to put on any disguise, and he didn't plan on being caught.

Lois's car was in Clark's driveway when he got there. This, he decided, was promising. He peered through the kitchen window, curious. No, they weren't in there. He peered through the living room window. There they were! Sitting on the couch, side by side, watching something on T.V. Clark had one arm resting behind her shoulders.

This, Jimmy decided, was very promising.

He stepped closer to the window, and tripped over a rock, smacking up against the window to brace his fall. Clark's head snapped up right away, spotting him. Jimmy cursed under his breath. Clark gave him a why-are-you-staring-in-my-window look, and Jimmy grinned guiltily and gave him a little wave.

Clark looked at Lois, who gave him a why-is-my-cousin-in-law-staring-through-your-window look, and Clark got up and walked over to said window. He opened it up, and Jimmy hopped back. Clark gave him a funny look.

"Err… can I help you?" Clark asked.

Jimmy swallowed.

"Umm, just thought I'd stop by and say 'hi'! So… hi!" he said.

And with that, Jimmy was gone.

Jimmy arrived home a few minutes later. He came in the door and hung up his jacket, just as Chloe came in the room.

"Hey," she said, "I thought you went to Clark's."

Damn.

"Err, I did but he wasn't home," he said quickly.

"Jimmy, this isn't part of your plan to get Clark and Lois together, is it?" she asked, suspicious.

"No! Of course not!"

Chloe just rolled her eyes.

"You know, this isn't healthy behaviour," she pointed out.

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Part Three

The Buying of the Balaclava

Wednesday.

After the whole Clark-and-Lois-caught-me-looking-through-Clark's-window-spying-on-them incident, Jimmy decided he needed something to hide his face for his next attempt at getting his cousin-in-law and best friend together. So, without further notice, he headed to the nearest clothing store.

Fortunately, it was winter, and said clothing store was lined with scarves, wool hats, ski masks, and other such items. He approached the counter where a young man of around fifteen years was standing.

Jimmy stared at him, and the guy stared back. Jimmy wondered what to ask, and finally settled on the most direct course of action.

"Do you have anything I can buy to hide my face?" he asked.

The guy stared at him.

"Are you a robber?" he asked.

"No!" Jimmy exclaimed, "I just want something to… protect my face against the cold."

The guy continued to stare at him.

"I guess you could buy a balaclava," he said.

Jimmy grinned.

"Perfect!" he said, clapping his hands together.

Counter Guy, as Jimmy had decided to call him, gave him a weird look.

"What colour?" Counter Guy asked.

"They come in different colours? Err… okay how about black?" said Jimmy.

Counter Guy stared at him some more, then went into the storage room behind him and retrieved a black balaclava.

"That'll be twenty bucks," Counter Guy said, looking bored.

Jimmy fished around in his pocket and retrieved the aforementioned twenty bucks. He handed the twenty bucks to Counter Guy. Counter Guy handed him the black balaclava. Jimmy grinned again.

"Thanks!" Jimmy said.

"Whatever," Counter Guy said.

Black balaclava in hand, Jimmy left the store.

Jimmy drove home with his balaclava. He had just sat down on the couch, when Chloe came in the room with her hands on her hips. Jimmy looked at her.

"Funny thing happened today," Chloe said, "Clark called me. He said he caught you staring through his living room window. Now tell me. Why would he say that?"

Jimmy jumped up from the couch.

"TATTLETALE!" he exclaimed.

"Jimmy!" Chloe said, aggravated, "You have to stop this! Looking through people's windows?! What if they'd been naked?"

Jimmy froze. And then his eyes went wide with horror.

"Bad mental image!" he said, pressing his fingers hard against his closed eyelids, "God, Chloe! Don't say things like that!"

"Well what if they had been naked? Then what?"

Jimmy shook his head.

"Look," he said, "I promise I'll stop staring through people's windows."

"Good," Chloe said.

"Unless it's absolutely necessary," he added as an afterthought.

"Jimmy!"

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Part Four

There Is Something Deeply Wrong With You

Thursday.

Jimmy was overjoyed. He had this perfect plan, all ready to go. Lois was going to visit Lucy, and Clark was going with her, his excuse being that "Lucy lived in a dangerous area". Lois didn't like to feel weak, but Jimmy knew that she liked to be around Clark none the less. Besides. It was a dangerous area, and she probably did need Clark's protection.

This was very convenient.

He tracked down Lucy's place with extreme ease. He looked in Chloe's address book. Lucy's address changed all the time, and there were a bunch of stroked out address above her most recent one. Jimmy hoped it was correct.

And so he prepared.

Clark and Lois left today, and planned on staying with Lucy for three days, before Lucy switched apartments again. Jimmy figured he'd head there tomorrow. The only problem was… he didn't exactly know what he was going to do when he got there.

First, he'd need to distract Lucy. Get her out of the apartment, to make sure Clark and Lois were alone. Then… well that was the problem. Then what? Maybe he could just leave them alone and hope something happened… but what if it didn't? Days wasted!

Maybe he would just play it by ear. Nothing wrong with that. It was going to be hard enough just getting Lucy away from them. Then he got an idea.

It wasn't a good idea. It wasn't a smart idea. It wasn't even a convincing idea. But it would work.

It had to work.

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Part Five

A Very Bad Plan Goes Very Wrong

Friday.

Jimmy was going to have a long day. The first thing he was going to have to do was get to Lucy's apartment, and make sure Clark, Lois, and Lucy were all there. Then… well then he was going to have to get creative.

And he was going to have to come up with an excuse for his being out of town for a day or two to tell Chloe.

He finally came up with the lie after a lot of pondering. He wandered into the kitchen, where Chloe was washing dishes. Time to be the best actor he could be.

"Chloe?" he said.

She turned around.

"What's on your mind, Jimmy?" she asked, looking suspicious.

"I'm going on a business trip to photograph a crime scene," he lied.

"Really?"

She looked convinced.

"Yep," he said.

Jimmy hated lying to the love of his life, but some things just had to happen.

"When do you leave?"

"Tonight, at seven."

"How long will you be gone?"

"I'll be back Saturday night."

"Where are you going?"

"Just out of town, around where Lucy lives."

"Really? That's nice."

"Yep."

"Are you going there to spy on Clark and Lois?"

"What? No! Of course not, Chloe. Who do you think I am?"

Chloe shook her head.

"I'm sorry," she said, "You just seem a little… obsessive lately."

He smiled.

"Apology accepted."

Jimmy arrived at Lucy's apartment at seven-thirty that night. He hid in the bushes beside it, and pulled out his cell phone, keying in Lucy's phone number.

It rang three times, before she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi!" he said, "It's Jimmy, Chloe's husband."

"Hi, Jimmy. What's up?" she asked.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner with me tonight, to get to know each other better now that we're family."

"Sure," she said, "what time, and what place?"

"Umm, how about the new Chinese place the opened up nearby here in thirty minutes?" he suggested.

"Okay."

And so Jimmy's plan was set in motion.

Jimmy met Lucy at the restaurant at eight. It wasn't easy making small-talk. Jimmy sucked at it. Nonetheless, he stuttered his way through thirty minutes of conversation, before excusing himself to go to the bathroom.

This was where it got tricky.

Alright, Jimmy thought, I have to get to Lucy's apartment, check on Clark and Lois, and get back here, in about five minutes. Fortunately, if he ran, Lucy's apartment was just around the block, and he could probably get there and back in three minutes. That gave him two minutes to check on Clark and Lois. He could do it.

He hoped.

Jimmy ran as fast as he could to the apartment, arrived within the desired time range. He hopped up the steps as fast as he could, and arrived at the third floor. Jimmy stopped, and put on the black balaclava. Then he pulled out a small piece of paper, on which he had jotted down Lucy's room number, from Chloe's address book. Room 219. He glanced at the room nearest to him. 210. Perfect. He ran down the hall, until he found room 219.

He laid his hand gently on the doorknob, and thought, Here goes nothing. With that, he turned the knob.

WHAT?

Clark and Lois were standing in the middle of Lucy's small living room. But they weren't just standing. Oh, no. That, Jimmy could have handled. But no, Lois had her arms wound tight around Clark's neck, her hands tangled in his hair. Clark's arms were wrapped around her waist pulling her closer. And they were kissing. Very passionately.

Jimmy wasn't sure how to react. Sure, this was what he wanted, but he hadn't really wanted to witness it.

He would have had more time to process this, except at that moment, a very large, very scary looking dog came zooming around the corner, and lunged at him.

Jimmy shrieked, and ran like Hell.

Jimmy Olsen was scared.

And not his usual Lois-or-someone-else-very-tall-wants-me-dead scared, but more of an oh-god-a-very-big-dog-with-very-sharp-teeth-wants-to-eat-me scared. Jimmy Olsen, he thought, you're screwed.

A convenience store! Haven!

He ran as fast as he possibly could, ripped open the convenience store door, and slammed it behind him, successfully stopping the dog. He collapsed, bent in half, hands on his thighs, breathing hard.

Everyone in the small store stared at him.

"THAT'S IT!" he shouted, "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I EVER TRY TO HELP ANYONE COME TO THEIR SENSES! FROM NOW ON THEY CAN FIGURE IT OUT THEMSELVES!"

Everyone still stared at him. Someone coughed. Jimmy swallowed. He peeked out the glass door behind him. The dog was gone.

"Well," he said, "I should probably be going now."

No one moved. He wrenched open the door and exited the convenience store. It began to snow. He started back down the street, no dog chasing him.

Suffice to say, Jimmy wasn't having the best day.

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Part Six

I Almost Got Killed by Lucy's Guard Dog for NOTHING

Still Friday.

Jimmy zoomed back around the block, and through the back door of the restaurant. Lucy was still sitting at the table, looking rather bored. When he sat down across from her, she looked up, annoyed.

"What took you so long?" she demanded.

"Err… there was a long line to the bathroom," he lied.

Lucy gave him a suspicious look, but rolled her eyes and said,

"Whatever."

Jimmy tried to pay attention, but to be perfectly honest, he was too busy going over what he'd previously seen. Since when were Clark and Lois together? It surely must have been his doing somehow. There was no way he'd almost been killed by an angry dog for nothing.

Right?

He must have zoned out or something, because next thing he knew, Lucy was waving a hand in front of his face and saying,

"HELLO! Earth to Olsen!"

He blinked and shook his head.

"Sorry," he said, "I must have blanked out."

She gave him a funny look.

"You're so weird," she said.

He smiled distractedly in response.

Since Jimmy had told Chloe he wouldn't be back until Saturday, Lucy offered him her couch to sleep on that night. He accepted, and they made their way back to her apartment. When Lucy opened the door to her room, Clark and Lois were sitting at the small kitchen table, both facing Lucy and Jimmy. Jimmy swallowed.

Lois glared at him, tapping her fingernails loudly on the table. Clark just looked amused, and a little confused.

"Lucy," Lois said, "do you mind leaving the room for a moment? We need to have a little talk with Jimmy."

Lucy shrugged.

"Okay," she said, despite Jimmy shaking his head desperately, and shut herself in her bedroom.

Jimmy turned to face Clark and Lois. Lois glared harder.

"Tell me, Jimmy, what are you doing around here?" she asked.

Jimmy gulped.

"Err… you know. I was just in town and I thought I'd stop by and bond with Lucy a little," he explained.

"Really?" Lois asked.

Jimmy nodded.

"That's strange," she said, "because a man about your height, size, and with your exact hair cut and colour just stopped by and got chased by Lucy's dog."

Just then, Jimmy heard a low growl come from under the table. He jumped, eyes wide.

"Jimmy," Lois said, "Have you met Rocky?"

The Evil-Doberman-Who-Had-Tried-To-Kill-Him-And-Was-Apparently-Named-Rocky growled again, and stuck its head out from under the table.

Jimmy took a step backward.

"Alright! Alright! Just don't let him kill me!" he said, pointing to the dog.

Lois sighed.

"Oh, don't worry, Rocky's harmless," she said, reaching down under the table, and petting the dog's back.

The dog wagged his tail.

"Unless, of course," Lois added, "He thinks you're a threat, or someone who's already broken in here. Tell me, why would he think that?"

Jimmy took another step backward.

"Dunno!" he exclaimed, one eye on the dog, on eye on Lois.

Lois continued to tap her nails on the table.

"Jimmy, I'm just going to cut to the chase," she said, standing up, "I know you've been spying on us, and I know you're up to something. The thing I really want to know though, is what you're up to."

Lois took two dangerous steps towards him.

"Nothing!" Jimmy said quickly.

Clark suddenly realized just how close Lois was to possibly attacking Jimmy, and walked quickly over beside her. He placed a tentative hand on her shoulder, and whispered something in her ear that Jimmy didn't catch.

Lois froze, and looked up to give Clark an annoyed look.

"Fine," she said, and left the room.

Jimmy's mouth hung open.

"How did you DO that?" he demanded.

Clark just grinned. Then his face changed, and he looked a bit annoyed.

"So," Clark said, "why HAVE you been spying on us?"

Jimmy sighed.

"I've been trying to get you two together!" he exclaimed.

Clark stared at him. Then he burst out laughing.

"What?!" he managed, through his laughter.

"I was trying to do you guys a favor! But then I came up here, and found you guys… kissing! Since when are you together?"

Clark's laughter finally subsided, and he took a seat at the table, motioning for Jimmy to do the same. And then he explained.

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Part Seven

Forty Minutes Ago

Forty minutes previously.

Lucy had just left to meet Jimmy for dinner, and Lois was sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee and flipping through an old magazine. Clark walked over and sat across from her.

"So," he said.

Without looking up, she said,

"So."

"You know," Clark said, "you look beautiful."

That got her attention. She quickly recovered from her shock, and got up from the table and walked toward the living room to avoid a rather uncomfortable conversation. Clark followed her.

"Lois," he said softly, "we need to talk."

"About what?" she asked innocently.

Clark sighed.

"Look, I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm… I'm in love with you Lois."

She froze. He reached out and placed a gentle hand to her cheek.

"I've wanted to tell you for so long… and after Chloe's wedding, with Lana here and you gone, I never got the chance."

Lois looked at him, surprised by the tenderness in his voice. Then, before she even knew what she was doing, she was kissing him, lips pressed hard against his. He wrapped his arms around her waist, deepening the kiss, and she wrapped hers around his neck.

Lois tangled her hands in his soft hair, surprised by the passion of their kiss. He pressed his hand gently to her lower back, tugging her closer, and she moaned softly against his lips, both oblivious to the balaclava-wearing man quietly opening the door…

All of a sudden, Lucy's huge Doberman went shooting by, and launched himself at a young man who, despite his balaclava, could only be Jimmy. Clark and Lois jumped apart, eyed wide, as the man let out a terrified shriek and ran.

They exchanged a confused look, and followed the dog and man outside. They watched from a distance as Jimmy ducked inside a convenience store, then Lois grabbed Rocky and walked the well trained dog back to the apartment.

A little while later, Lucy and Jimmy returned from "dinner".

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Part Eight

The Reaction of Someone Who Has Spent the Last Five Days Wasting His Time and Getting Chased By A Pissed Off Dog

Still Friday.

Jimmy stared at Clark for a full minute until he finally managed to speak.

"You mean to tell me that I had nothing to do with you and Lois finally admitting your undying love for each other?" he asked, calmly.

Clark considered this.

"Yeah, pretty much," he said.

"Ah," Jimmy responded, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? YOU COULDN'T HAVE WAITED UNTIL I COMPLETED MY COMPLICATED AND COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS PLAN?!"

Clark shrugged.

"Sorry, man," he said, "it just sort of… happened."

Jimmy's face turned pink. Then red. Then purple. Then blue. Clark looked worried.

"Jimmy, are you breathing?" he asked.

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Part Nine

Getting Back To Chloe

Saturday.

Despite how upset he was that he'd gone to all this trouble for nothing, Jimmy was still rather happy that Clark and Lois were together. He grinned, facing them both.

"Well, I better get back to Chloe. Congrats, by the way," he said.

Lois gave him a stern look. Then, to his surprise, she leaned forward, and gave him a hug.

"Thanks for trying," she said.

Jimmy grinned.

He arrived at his and Chloe's place a little while later.

"You're back early," she said, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek.

In his excitement, he forgot all about the business trip he had told her he was on, and exclaimed,

"Chloe! Guess what? Clark and Lois are finally a couple!"

Chloe looked confused.

"I thought you were on a business trip… Jimmy! You went to spy on them, didn't you?" she asked, angrily.

"Oh shit! Look, I'm sorry, but they ARE together, aren't they?" he said, looking apologetic.

"Yeah I suppose…" she said, "How did you do it?"

Jimmy gave her a sheepish smile.

"Actually, they sort of figured it out themselves," he confessed.

Chloe rolled her eyes.

"Well, you tried," she said.

He smiled.

"And," he said, "I learned my lesson. When two people are obviously in love, you just have to let them figure it out themselves."

Chloe shook her head.

"Thank God you're done with all this. I was beginning to worry about your sanity," she said.

Jimmy nodded.

"Me too," he confessed, "And I am so done with meddling with people's lives."

Chloe nodded.

"Well there you go."

And that was that.

Fin

Note: I hope that was at least slightly interesting… I was bored, you see, and Jimmy is very fun to write about. I think I might do another story from his point-of-view one of these days…