Note: Quick and simple Evangelion comedy. A what-if scenario, you could say, that takes place during Episode 19.

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

"Hey, Shigeru, is it just me, or did Shinji seem really badass today?"

Two men were having coffee.

"Uh, it's just you."

This may not have been the best time to drink coffee, but coffee is best consumed in the worst of times.

"Seriously, man, he seemed pretty cool today! I think he may surprise us yet!"

The computer bridge the men manned shook violently.

"Are you crazy, Makoto? He ran away from Tokyo-3 today! How the hell is that badass?!"

Zeruel, the Fourteenth Angel, was attacking the city.

"I know, but his back seemed very firm. He ran away with a spine this time."

Asuka Langley Soryu and Rei Ayanami had already been defeated.

"That's still running away!"

Tokyo-3's only hope, Shinji Ikari, had fled.

"It's the badass way of running away, though."

Everybody was fucked. Big time.

"Even if that was badass—which it isn't!—we still need to figure out how to defeat this Angel!"

Or were they fucked?

"Hey, look! Shinji came back! Told you he was a badass today. There's nothing more badass than showing up at the last second!"

Yes. Yes, they still were.

Synchronization

Did he make it in time?

Shinji sure hoped so. Otherwise, Misato, Rei, Asuka, and everyone else would be dead. Kaji and his watermelons would get sliced if he was too late. Not only that, Shinji could die, too!

And he really didn't want that to happen.

Fuelled by the fear of his own failure, Shinji put his entire will into killing the Angel. Evangelion Unit-01 responded, and his Eva knocked Zeruel away before it could slaughter everybody on the bridge. Shinji did it! He kept the Angel at bay...for the moment, at least. Perhaps more importantly, Shinji was brave for once. He was being badass (though Shinji would never describe himself so because he didn't swear). He could go down fighting today and make daddy proud for a change.

Oh my god! The Angel just ripped an arm off his Evangelion!

It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, and it seriously hurt! Immediately, Shinji wanted to get out of his Eva and take a nap in between some big, juicy melons. Like the ones Kaji had.

But he had to keep fighting! His enemy would destroy every melon on the planet if it was not stopped! Regardless, Shinji really did not want to be the one to fight this monster!

"Misato-san!" Shinji screamed, hoping his boss/ guardian would get the message.

"Got it, Shinji!" she replied, then gave some orders. Shinji felt some hope.

However, Misato didn't get the message. Instead of ejecting Shinji out of Unit-01 and finding somebody else to save the day, like Shinji wanted, Misato activated the big elevator and sent his Eva, along with the Angel, to the surface for an epic showdown.

"Darn it!" he cursed.

Enraged (and really, really scared), Shinji charged at the Angel in an attempt to finish it off before he wet his pants. It didn't work, though, and suddenly blood wasn't the only thing he could smell in his entry plug. Despite the accident, however, Shinji actually started to kick Zeruel's ass—via Evangelion Unit-01's foot, of course. That his Eva was missing an arm only made said ass-kicking even cooler.

Hell yeah! Then, Shinji was not so scared. He felt pretty good, to be honest. In a way, he could relate to all the bullies that had ever picked on him in his life (and he had been bullied a lot). Mindlessly pounding the Angel with his progressive knife was damn fun. It made Shinji happy that he was going to be a hero.

He was going to win! He was going to win! He could feel it; he was going to win!

Then, his Evangelion's battery died.

No! Shinji felt scared again. Ouch! He felt pain, too, because Zeruel paid him back in full for the beating Shinji gave him. And Shinji changed his mind; bullying was not good! Ouch, ow! Each hit left a worse impression than the previous smack.

Come on, come on, work! No one, other than the Angel, would need to die if he only had some more juice. He furiously yanked on his Eva's controls but nothing happened—it was like trying to masturbate a second time right after ejaculating. Come on, come on!

I want to run away, I want to run away, I want to run away!

He wanted to run away, but he was trapped. He wanted to fight, but he was a coward. He wanted to win, but somebody decided AAA batteries would be good enough for a weapon designed to save the fate of mankind.

I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die!

Zeruel mercilessly pummelled Evangelion Unit-01 and Shinji felt every single one of those blows because of synchronization.

Mother...mother...mother...

He felt Zeruel give Unit-01 two black eyes, and then the world went black.

"Eva Unit-01 has gone silent!" Maya told everyone with a shrilly voice, her eyes glued to her monitor.

Gendou Ikari watched everything unfold from his perch, not a single emotion on his face.

"Life signs?" Misato asked, dreading the answer.

Everybody else watched Zeruel in terror as the Angel raised a fist to deliver a finishing blow.

Maya paused, and then put a hand to her heart. "Negative," she stifled back a sob.

Yeah, they were fucked.

"Everyone, don't worry!" A calm voice rose above the despair. "This is when Evangelion Unit-01 suddenly regains power for absolutely no reason!" Dr. Akagi smiled and winked. "It's a scientific fact."

Or were they?

"I don't believe it!" Maya exclaimed. "150, 200, 300, 400 percent! The synchronization rate is at 400 percent! How is this even possible?!"

Not yet, at least.

Shigeru squinted at the big-screen monitor. Something important was missing. "Uh, where did the Evangelion go?"

Never mind.

Shinji was enjoying the time he spent drifting in the white void. If this was what death was like, he really regretted that he was always too chicken to commit suicide; he really liked floating around without any responsibility. Too bad it couldn't last.

Because Shinji had just reached 400 percent synchronization with Unit-01 and had absorbed his Evangelion into himself.

No, Shinji had not been absorbed into the Evangelion. It was the other way around.

The earth returned beneath his feet, the dark night sky crashed in from above, and Shinji's little paradise was crushed by the menacing presence of Zeruel! The Angel was pissed and ready to kill the nuisance in front of him, whether or not it was a biological superweapon or a man. Since Zeruel towered over Shinji, it seemed as though our reluctant hero would die very instantly and very painfully. A giant, Angelic fist swung down to squash Shinji.

Only, now Shinji had absolute power on his side.

He waved a hand and was shocked to see an enormous Absolute-Terror field materialize in front of him to deflect Zeruel's fist and send the Angel flying backward an entire kilometre! All the power of his Evangelion was compressed into his scrawny body, and he now had more strength than he knew what to do with. Really, the best Shinji could think of was how much easier it would be for him to open tight jars.

Checking out his new abilities, Shinji waved his hand and was amazed as a burst of energy levelled the entire forest surrounding the Geo-front. Whoa!

Then, Shinji looked down and noticed that he did not have a stitch of clothing on his body. Yikes! Yet, before the boy could even blush, stylish black clothing, complete with a cool trench coat, materialized around his body. Shinji frowned. The clothes turned into his dorky school uniform. Shinji smiled. That was better.

He couldn't smile too long, though! Zeruel came back and tried to punch Shinji again! Our beloved saviour reacted without thinking and caught Zeruel's fist and flung the Angel over his shoulder, Judo-style. To anyone watching this impossible feat of strength from a distance, it would have looked like the Fourteenth Angel was tossed through the air by an invisible, God-like force.

Terrified, Shinji watched the Angel fly away from him. He had no idea what he did, but he was scared shitless. The boy was scared of himself. Too many changes were happening at once. Was this how puberty was supposed to happen? What was next? Pubic hair?! Shinji almost fainted at the thought.

Well, he was about to go home and watch some TV, when a loud rumbling shook the earth. Zeruel, far, far away, was getting up on its Angel-feet. Holy crap. Shinji watched this all in horror. The Angel wanted his head, he knew it, and he was going to die. This sucked. He didn't want to save the planet.

Zeruel stomped towards Shinji, and Shinji took a step back; he wanted to run away. Sure, he may have gained near-omnipotent powers, but that thing was big. How could he beat that? Fuck it all! If only he wasn't such a slow runner, he'd be out of there in a...

Wait a second.

As the Angel inched closer, Shinji realized that he could probably run a lot faster now.

"I'm sorry, everyone!"

"What is he doing?!" Misato shouted.

Back in NERV, everyone was watching Shinji in confusion.

Dr. Akagi glanced at her. "He's running away."

Indeed, before their eyes, Shinji ran away from Tokyo-3 at supersonic speeds.

"But...why?" Misato asked. "He's got super powers and stuff!"

Zeruel didn't bother to follow Shinji.

"Seems like he's still a big wimp," Dr. Akagi spat, "super powers or not."

The Fourteenth Angel instead returned its attention to NERV Headquarters.

"The self-destruct button isn't working! What do we do?!" Maya hollered.

Gendou Ikari, at last, showed some emotion: he hung his head in shame.

"Everyone!" Misato roared. "Follow Shinji's example and get the hell out of here as fast as you can!"

Okay, now they were fucked.