BOOT TO THE HEAD!
By Ri-kun
and the
Death Eaters
"As the executor of Sirius Black's estate, I shall now begin reading from Mr. Black's last will and testament."
Albus Dumbledore cleared his throat and began peering through several papers in front of him, while Bellatrix Lestrange sobbed insincerely.
"Oh, cousin Sirius!" she wailed. "WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY???!?!?!"
"There. There." Her husband Rudolphus patted her once lightly. "It's alright, dear."
"Can we hurry this up?" Regulus barked, holding a glass of Firewhiskey. "The Hog's Head will be open soon!"
"'To my twisted and quite psychotic cousin, Bellatrix...'" Dumbledore began reading.
"WWWHHHHAAAA!"
"Ah, Bellatrix. He's talking about us."
"Oh, right."
"'Who, with her creepy husband, Rudolphus,'" Dumbledore went on. "'Grubbed, grubbed for all they were worth and cried great big Hippogriff tears after I went sailing helplessly through that mysterious Veil...'"
"What?"
"'To my cousin I leave... a Boot to the Head!'"
WHAM!
"Bellatrix, are you alright?"
"This is an outrage!" she snapped, as a large welt appeared on her forehead.
"'And a Boot to the Head for her creepy husband, Roddy!'" Albus added, as another magical boot went flying through the air towards him.
WHAM!
"'Ah, but still, you are my cousin'" Dumbledore continued reading. "'You've both secretly admired my flying motorcycle despite numerous claims otherwise, and since I nor my beloved godson will be needing it anytime soon...'"
"Oh, cousin Sirius, you're too kind." Bellatrix cooed.
"'I hereby leave... another Boot to the Head!"
WHAM!
"And one more for the creep!"
WHAM!
""Next, to my alcoholic brother, Regulus,'" Dumbledore went on.
"Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!" he cried out, ducking down as the magically empowered boots continued to attack and kick Bellatrix and Rudolphus.
"'To Regulus, who wasted his life serving the Dark Lord Voldemort before falling head-first into the bottle...'"
"I'm covering up my head!"
"'Regulus, to you I leave my entire collection of PlayWarlock magazines, plus three enchanted crates of Madame Rosmerta's finest aged ale.'"
Regulus looked up. "That ain't so bad," he mused.
"'And a Boot to the Head!'"
WHAM!
"'And another Boot for Bella and the Creep!'"
WHAM! WHAM!
"'Next, to my know-it-all former Divination professor, Sybill Trelawney...'"
"This is so predictable," she muttered, laying a set of tarot cards out in front of her.
"'I leave a... Boot to the Head!'"
WHAM!
"'And one more for Bella and the Creep!'"
WHAM! WHAM!
"'This takes care of family obligations,'" Dumbledore finished, riffling through the papers in his hands. "Next, to my devoted house-elf, Kreacher..."
"Kreacher won't! Kreacher won't! Kreacher won't! Won't! WON'T!"
"'Who practically held me prisoner in my own home for years, reminded me daily of how much my mother despised the soil I walked on, and was involved in numerous attempts to poison me...'"
"Kreacher wants to go to the Lestranges, yes! Kreacher will seek his new mistress!"
"Pssst!" Hermione whispered. "Kreacher, she's standing right over there."
"'I leave,'" Dumbledore paused. "'A BOOT TO THE HEAD!'"
WHAM!
"'And one more for Bella and the Creep!'"
WHAM! WHAM!
"'And finally, to my former headmaster and instructor, Professor Albus Dumbledore,'" he read slowly. "Who aided in saving my godson from disaster, yet manipulated his entire existence and left him to suffer at the hands of demented, abusive Muggles for ten long, agonizing years, I leave not a boot to the head...'"
Dumbledore stared at the page. "'But rather, a rabid Blast-Ended Skrewt, which is to be Apparated into his trousers?!?"
BOOM! RIP! TEAR! SNAP!
"OW! YIKES! PAIN!" Dumbledore gasped as he stared hard at the page. "'And... OW! and I leave my entire estate of ten million SHIT! ...galleons to the students of Hogwarts, so they can afford to attend school someplace decent!' HEY, I'VE ....ONLY..... GOT.... ONE.... OF.... THOSE!"
"That's it?!" Trelawney gasped.
"That's it?" Regulus added. "That's disgraceful!"
"There's.... one final.... thing," Dumbledore gasped, after he'd Vanished the Skrewt away and poured water down the front of his robes.
"Cover your heads, everybody!" Regulus shouted, ducking down.
"'A lifetime supply of Honeydukes ice cream.'"
"Ice cream?"
"Ice cream?"
"Ice cream?"
Hermione raised her hand. "What flavor is it?"
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!"
WHAM! WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!