Author's notes:

I've been gone for many moons. A lot has happened and I feel horrible for having abandoned this fic for sooooo long. BUT: Am working my ass off to complete my dissertation, so please have some feelings for my poor soul! ONEGAI!! Otherwise you leave me no choice, but to use a gigantic Justaway on ya all! Bohahahahahaha…

R&R

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Lesson 3: There are no alligators in the sewers.

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Was it just him or did that stuff just wrap around his ankle?

No… surely no~t…

…

Yes! It was definitely pulling at his legs. It was trying to submerge him! Some abominable, monstrous creature was living down here, stalking him like he was its pray.

'Oh, what did you have for lunch today?'

'Well, a nice sirloin á la samurai and Gin on the Rocks. Have you tried the sukonbu girl already?'

…

"GET YOUR FILTHY TENTACLES OFF MY LEEEEEEEGS!!"

The echo resounded throughout the narrow corridor, bouncing off of the thick walls and veeery slowly dying away as the screech got carried down the different paths as the way divided up into another fork and another fork and…

"Gin-san, there is nothing in the water. Please refrain from yelling down here."

Water? Was that kid blind? Did he need a new pair of glasses? How could that stinking brew of feces, trash and… stuff be normal water?! Hah! Who could assure him that no slimy, abnormal alien was living down here in the sewers of the city, feeding on the wasted live forces of the whole of Kabukicho?!

"W-what are you implying, Shinpachi-kuu~n. I was merely trying to wake up Kagura."

"Gin-chan's only afraid of the monster alligators. Mr. News said on TV that they prefer messy haired Madaos over lonely gorillas."

A moment of absolute silence followed, which was only interrupted when one of the citizens living above the wasteland sewers decided to flush his/her toilette. A spray of something hit Kondo's legs as he stared at Kagura with pursed lips.

"S-surely there a-are no monster alligators down here, ne, Toshi?"

"I dun care. I'm not on their menu."

"Maybe not on theirs, but didn't you see the documentation about the last survivors of the gigantic cockroach invasion from last summer?" Okita took some steps towards the wall of the canal pipe, extending his arm as he stared thoughtfully at the slimy surface, almost as if to touch it. With an air of drama he started calmly: "Some scientists found out that they're gathering underneath fast food stalls and restaurants where the mayonnaise concentration is twenty times higher than in normal parts of the sewers …"

The stump of Hijikata's cigarette fell into the stinking brew, sizzling as it submerged.

The sound of their last seconds in hell ticking by could be heard as the three men stared at each other with sweaty faces.

"L-let's just keep moving… we don't w-want the police to find us down here…"

The caravan consisting of the shinsengumi members, the shogun (who was riding on Sadaharu) and the three and a half members of the yorozuya started to move again, trudging through the knee deep wastewater until they reached a cross section.

"I don't have the slightest idea where we are. Aneue said to follow the main street and then take a right turn, but now…"

They had been following her vague instructions for almost one and a half hour by now, having decided that this would be the only way to get to their newly assigned headquarters aka the Shimura dojo aka the impregnable castle of hell without being spotted up on the streets, which were literally swarming with a police force big enough to bring down an army of zombrows.

"Do not worry, Shinpachi-kun!" Kondo announced, hands placed on his hip as his obnoxious loud voice bellowed through the confined space. "I am pretty sure we are very close to your dojo. We just have to go right now, walk another three hundred meters, climb up a level, tiptoe around the mines, do a back flip across the laser trap and crawl through to the exit in the garden, naturally minding the alien spiders at the ceiling."

The others stared at the hairy shinsengumi leader.

"Stalker."

"Only a stalker could know this."

"Don't come near my sister ever again."

"Madao."

"Remember the Madao eating monster alligators, gorilla-san."

They trudged along with their backs facing the depressed shinsengumi commander.

Nobody seemed too surprised when they had to climb to the next level after 300 meters, had to tiptoe around two dozen mines or had to do a back flip across a sophisticated laser trap and appeared suddenly in the middle of the garden to the Shimura dojo.

The only thing that took not only Kondo off guard was the lack of alien spiders.

Because the spiders had apparently been eaten by alien moths with poisonous powder on their huge wings, almost suffocating the group of humans.

Panting as if they had been forced to go through an inhuman adventure leading them through the alienfied sewers of the town, the group sat in the garden, watching as two figures advanced from the house, one wearing a kimono, the other one looking much like Captain Katsura with breasts.

"Aneue, why didn't you warn me about the traps down there?"

An honestly befuddled face stared thoughtfully at the entry to the gates of hell.

"Why, I totally forgot that I installed them there. Maybe I should feed the spiders from time to time…"

"Don't bother, woman, your deceptive and monstrous life energy has called forth even worse creatures of the night."

The sharp end of a katana almost touched Gintoki's nose, the wielder glaring down at the oblivious man through one fiery eye. Gin kept on picking at his nose languidly, watching the rest of the assembled refugees get up and walk towards the main house.

"Do not dare to call Otae-san 'woman' again, trash, or you shall feel my blade for real next time."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Gintoki waved off Kyubei's sword with his free hand (the other appeared to be stuck in a compromising place) and got up. Dusting off the death powder from his trouser, he watched with uncaring eyes as a bonsai standing on a stone nearby lost all leaves and turned into something mushy black resembling anything Shinpachi's sister cooked.

When he finally got inside, most men were in the process of losing their clothing, discarding the pieces carelessly wherever they had decided to stand. The stench of inexpressible substances filled the room like a green fog, making Gintoki wish for diving equipment or those smelling trees one could put into their car.

Yes. A nice long, hot shower was exactly what he needed right now to wash away the exertions and manly sweat from the exhausting days.

The lattice doors flew open and in the frame stood a demon, her halberd glinting in the fading light of the setting sun. The men gathered in front of her, in all their naked glory, watched mesmerized as she thrust the long weapon right into the middle of the group.

Kondo narrowly escaped certain death thanks to the years of extreme training he had been forced to undergo as her No. 1 stalker, breaking down with foam at the corners of his mouth.

"Do not dare to leave the dirty washing lying around in this sacred place of my childhood!" Tae's red glinting eyes pin pointed one of said objects hanging limply down from a lamp. "Or I shall show you the path of least bloodshed!"

"L-least bloodshed?!? Bloodbath!! That's what you wanted to say!!" Hijikata yelled into the silence born from sheer terror.

"N-no worry. We're samurai, we ain't gonna leave a speck of dirt behind."

Glaring openly at Gintoki, Tae retrieved her weapon and walked out with an aura of malice, closing the sliding doors soundly behind her retreating form.

She had barely left the men to brood alone in their sweaty, negative atmosphere, when they started to pick up discarded clothes and put them carefully into a basket. Later they would have to draw straws to decide which poor soul would be the unlucky one washing them for that day.

-.-.-.-.-.-

It was already late at night when Gintoki decided to call it a day.

The Shimura house lay silently behind him as he sat on the wooden planks of the porch, looking out over the peaceful garden of death. After hours of talking, plotting and quarreling, the shinsengumi had gathered in the rooms of the dojo, the shogun surrounded by Kondo and his men like a horde of hideous mother hens, while Yamazaki, the poor soul, was doing the patrolling somewhere in the trees and on the roofs around the large house.

Gin had even gotten Kagura to finally fall asleep. And that after she had had too much coffee in an attempt to stay up longer than the ultra sadist. In the end, they had both been knocked unconscious by their overwhelming fatigue from the last few hard days… and to some degree by their immense stupidity.

A low murmur passed through the leaves of the dark canopies of the maple trees standing scattered among the compound as a breeze also disturbed the surface of the pond's water. Heaving a deep sigh, Gin closed his eyes for moment, wishing for nothing but absolute solitude.

The sound of tabi-clad feet on the tatami mats in the room behind him told him he wouldn't be granted his wishes once again.

Not opening his eyes yet, he listened as something wooden was placed on the porch right beside him and with a frown he glanced through heavily lidded eyes at the source of disturbance. To his right, Shimura Tae had knelt down gracefully, having placed a tray with a ceramic bottle and a low rimmed cup between the two of them. The smell of sake reached his nostrils and he inhaled deeply the intoxicating combination of the liquid and the faint hint of lavender.

Without acknowledging her presence, he stared again ahead at the dark garden, merely listening as she poured some of the clear liquid into the small cup.

After a second, he sat upright and turned slightly around, now able to see her silhouette illuminated by the little light penetrating the darkness from the living room.

"It seems like the house has finally settled down." Tae began in a soft tone of voice, the ever present smile bringing small crinkles to her eyes. "It hasn't been this lively for a long time."

Mesmerized, Gin watched as she put down the bottle again, mindful to keep the wide sleeves of her kimono out of the way. He allowed himself a short glance at her white wrists before they disappeared again inside the different folds of her clothing.

"Sorry fer all the trouble. Who would've thought the offspring of a mountain gorilla would allow us refugee?" He chuckled humorlessly, his eyes following her every move. She had picked up the small cup filled with clear sake and was offering it to him without her small smile faltering for a second. For the fraction of a second, he feared his remark would get him some sort of violent vengeance, but the sake cup didn't come flying into his face.

"But Gin-san. Even such a nice woman as me has to act a bit harsh at times, especially in this ruthless world."

Gintoki took the cup with his right hand and brought it to his lips without missing a beat. Gulping once, he indulged in the rich scent of the warm sake, his senses unconsciously seeking out the still present nuances of lavender being washed away by the breeze playing around the couple.

"A ruthless world it is." He mumbled at no-one in particular, downing the remains of the cup and holding it out for his companion to refill.

Eyes hidden behind the bangs of her brown hair, Tae's lips parted as she began to speak: "I honestly do not care about the shinsengumi or shogun." The weight of the cup in his hands increased as some more liquid was poured inside, but Gintoki kept his eyes fixed to the black nightly sky, half open orbs straying from one star to the other until the little white spots mingled into a blurry net. As she continued, Gintoki glanced slightly to where she was sitting. Tae was watching the sky as well, a thoughtful look passing over her features then. "But I would do anything to support Shin-chan and y-… and what he has decided to fight for and protect."

A small chuckle escaped Gin's lips before he swallowed it with some of the fresh sake. "Then I'm glad I'm in his close vicinity."

After that, the couple sat on the porch for a few minutes in comfortable silence.

It was Gin who broke the stillness when he put down the cup on the plate and lent back slightly.

"It's right what people say." Scratching his head and bringing even more disorder to his perms. "Sake tastes best when served by a woman."

Eyeing her with a scrunched up face, he found a dazzling smile grazing her lips. Maybe it was the fact that she wasn't ending every one of her sentences with 'Dom Pérignion', but something was so very different about her that night…

"SAKATAAAAA!!!!"

There sure was no perfect moment in this alien- and idiot-contaminated world.

Craning his neck so that he could look behind him without actually moving too much, Gin watched as a furry, spiky-haired man, wearing only a red fundoshi, came flying towards him with animalistic fury contorting his face. The picture was so grotesque, that Gintoki was tempted to turn around and let fate take over, but lightning fast movement from the woman beside him made him stop mid-way.

Before he had even realized it, his beloved bokuto had been yanked free from his belt and only a millisecond later protruded from the bleeding head of the leader of the shinsengumi. The pathetic whimper that came from quivering lips had apparently the right effect, because suddenly the rest of the shinsengumi was standing in all their sleepy glory in the living room, katanas drawn and pointing at…

"O-otae-sa-sama." Kondo began to stutter, backing away from the dark energy evaporating from the woman as she advanced with menacing slowness. "I- I was just t-trying to protect your innocence from the immoral behavior of that ronin."

Kondo was rendered immobile when a tabi-clad foot stomped down on the side of the fundoshi. With a quick pull, the wooden sword came free and was pointed back at the shinsengumi.

"Otae-san?"

Before Gintoki could indulge in any bloody wrestling scenes being carried out behind him, he noticed that a big egg-shaped shadow had appeared beside his frame and when he looked at the spot where Tae had just been sitting, he found two yellow duck feet protruding out of a pair of hairy shins blocking his view from the sake cup.

"Elizabeth?"

"Not Elizabeth. Katsura."

"What are ya? A broken record?"

It appeared the new arrival had somehow dampened Tae's need to randomly kill men, because the room beyond had suddenly turned deathly silent and as Katsura and Gintoki looked inside, the latter almost shuddered when two death glares were directed at the totally unfazed –because oblivious- Joi patriot.

If there had been any bazooka around (sleeping yukatas barely concealed the most necessary private parts and bazookas didn't count as such), Sougo would have used it just because it had somewhat become a habit. Like drinking sake under cherry trees or looking at one's own reflection in shop windows.

"Oh, if it isn't space monster Stefan." Shinpachi's sister pointed out with a pleasant smile.

"Not space monster Stefan. Katsura. Uhm, no, Elizabeth."

The trio entered then and for a tense second, the patriots and the shinsengumi (except for Kondo, who was still bleeding profoundly somewhere on the floor) got into a fierce staring contest until Gin scratched an un-itching spot at the back of his head absentmindedly, sighed and pulled Katsura along as he sat down cross-legged.

"So, Zura." The thousandth correction of his name was ignored by Gintoki with a wink of his hand. "Please tell me you haven't been followed here."

Chuckling, the samurai closed his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Do not think of me as an ignorant rookie, Gintoki. I am a master of deception or how do you think I have been able to survive for so long with the police force of Edo tailing me like the shadow of a street lantern?"

Someone cleared his throat soundly at that.

"More like master of idiocy… the only thing ya're good at is running away and tripping."

"Right now we are comrades, so do not harbor any hostile thoughts against the likes of me, for we have to stick together to come out of this grave situation unharmed."

For a fraction of a second it seemed like Okita and Elizabeth would launch themselves at each other, their eyes battling for the upper hand, but then suddenly the atmosphere of bloodlust evaporated when the only (real) woman cleared her throat.

"May I bring you some tea?"

Hidden message: This is the dojo of my deceased father, if you dare and do as much as drop a single bead of sweat on this sacred tatamis of memory, you shall pay penance with a beautiful fountain of your crimson life fluids.

"Don't bother." Gintoki announced with a sigh, waving off the gesture with a hand. "That idiot won't be staying fer too long anyway."

Nodding and smiling brightly at the gathered men, she bowed and exited the room, closing the sliding doors with a soft thud behind her.

"With the help of your superb ninja Yamazaki-san, we have been able to gather as much as 20 survivors of the massacre inside the shinsengumi headquarters." Katsura began solemnly, his gaze focused on Kondo's serene features. "They are currently scattered among various hiding places of the Joi and are undergoing recovery as we speak."

Bending over, Hijikata cleared a space beside his miraculously revived commander and knelt down. His trademark cigarette had been replaced by a toothpick after Shimura Tae had confiscated all his coffin nails earlier. "What about the Tendoshu?... Any sign they're gonna act any time soon?"

"My intelligence has gathered nothing much concerning that matter. All we do know is that they are still looking for the shogun and the last shinsengumi." Pursing his lips, he pulled out a folded sheet of paper from his sleeve and handed it over to Kondo.

The bearded stalker started to read and after a few tense seconds, he let it fall into his lap, jaw muscles working hard as rage built up inside his guts. "They have issued a manhunt. Every person following the shogun and every family member is to be imprisoned. Relevant information that leads to the capture of members of the shogun's retinue, the shinsengumi or the Joi fraction may reduce the final punishment significantly."

"My men are used to threats from outside, but I'm not so sure about your enlisted samurai, Kondo-san."Katsura was greeted by thick silence, most eyes casted downwards as their owners were immersed in their inner turmoil and thinking.

They had been able to save the shogun, but what now?

They were facing an army of unknown dimension and power, with their own forces reduced to a handful of men.

"If ya dick up some shit, ya're doing it well." Gintoki suddenly cut into the stillness with a drawled voice. He got up slowly, picking up his bokuto as he made his way towards the sliding doors.

"The yorozuya are at yer service, make use of them. But we should do some talking 'bout the money we'll get from ya after we've fanned out that load of shit."

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FINIS?!?

Ah.

The story is nearing the first climax… may my potential reviewers be with me.