I do not own Naruto or anything related.
Commentator: Alright! Tonight is a big night! Tonight I'll be able to watch the new dub of Naruto Shippuden, and see how bad- Clock: TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK
Commentator: WHAT THE HELL? Damn that clock! It never gives me a moment's peace! Fine then, I'll just conclude by thanking you all for your reviews, and personally I'm surprised that no one's complained about me-
Clock: TING!
Commentator: -Killing Naruto and Sasuke!
Professor: They'd probably think that they'll go through some kind of sudden, poorly explained resurrection. You know, like with Neo in the Matrix.
Commentator: (Sniff!) Those poor fools! Now with further ado, here's the final chapter in 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Zabuza Saga', 'Naruto's Funeral'.
Previously on Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)…
Sasuke: I have a plan to defeat Haku! You ready?
Naruto: Yeah! I'm ready for anything, believe it!
Commentator: Grrr. If he wasn't shielded by this dome of mirrors I would have whacked him right about now!
Naruto: Hey! The Commentator didn't whack me! Believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it bel-
Commentator: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DICKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!
(Everyone on the bridge gets caught in the electrical surge. Eventually it gets so big that it engulfs the entire planet.)
Professor: Sir it seems that your electrical surge knocked out every living creature on the planet. However, it seems everyone is recovering now so no harm-
Sammy: Boss, Naruto and Sasuke aren't moving!
Commentator: They've just been knocked out, Sam; they'll recover in due course!
Sammy: Their hearts have stopped beating!
(Silence)
Professor: Sir, I think you killed them.
Commentator: -Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh-
Gato: Hello everybody! We're fed up at being underused in this parody so we came to do something!
Zabuza: Well, this is no longer my fight, so I'll leave you to it.
Villagers: We won't let you push us around anymore!
Thugs: Like that is gonna stop us!
Commentator: Wait! What's going on? Why aren't the bad guys retreating?
Professor: You fool! Do you realise what you've done? By killing Naruto, you have altered the course of the plot! Without Naruto, Zabuza never changed his ways and killed Gato! Without Naruto and his clones, Kakashi never got the idea to use clones as well, forcing the villains to retreat!
Commentator: So, what does this mean?
Professor: It means that even though the villagers may win, a lot of them will die in the process!
Commentator: -Uh oh. Let's just walk away, very slowly…
And now the thrilling conclusion…
Healer: Hold it right there!
Villagers: YAY! IT'S THE HEALER!
Kakashi: And why does he have a giant mallet across his shoulders?
Healer: Didn't you hear? Mallet wielding is the new craze!
Gato: Who are you?
Healer: They call me the Healer.
Gato: The Healer, huh? Well there's no way you can fight in a battle! In fact (Drawing out a sword) I think I'll kill you myself to show how callous I am!
Healer: Gato, I must warn you. Do not try to fight me. You'll regret it.
Bad guys: LOL!
Healer: I'm warning you. Don't-try-and fight me!
Gato: (Advancing towards the Healer) If there's anyone who should be worried it's you. Besides, you're bound by the Hippocratic oath to do no harm-
WHACK
Healer: Like that ever stopped Jack Sheppard.
(Gato flies into the air)
Gato: LOOKS LIKE GATO IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN! TWINKLE.
Healer: Man, they never listen to me!
Thugs: (Look worried at the Healer) Errrrrrr….. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Leading Villager: The Healer has saved us! Three cheers to the Healer!
Villagers: (Lift up the Healer) HIP HIP! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY!
Kakashi: But where are Naruto and Sasuke?
Commentator: Right. All I need to do now is to vapourise the bodies, and no one will have to know that I killed them.
Professor: But won't people notice they're missing?
Commentator: Don't worry (Charges hand), we'll kidnap some thirteen year old Ichigo Kurosaki and Uruyuu Ishida, and brainwash them into thinking they're Naruto and Sasuke. Except we won't have our new Naruto saying 'believe it' every line! I'm sure people won't tell the difference! (Readies to vapourise Naruto and Sasuke's bodies)
Sammy: WAIT!
(The Commentator stops)
Sammy: Shouldn't we say a few words?
Commentator: Fine then! I'll do it. As the commentator and their killer, it's my responsibility. Ahem. Sasuke Uchiha was the last of his clan- unless you count Itachi and Madara Uchiha, that is. Like many shonen rivals he was a genius at whatever his manga/anime focused on, and like a certain other rival character, often called his opponent a 'loser'. In the U.S. version, that is. Now with his death he will never fulfil his dream of murdering his brother for his family, who may or may not have wanted it.
Professor: May?
Commentator: Well this is the Middle Ages, Professor. There was more revenge killing and less 'all life is precious'. But at least now with his early death, he will never endure losing his position as the top whatever-the anime focuses on to the hero. Such is the fate of all Shonen rivals.
Sammy: Sniff! That was beautiful, boss!
Commentator: And now for Naruto. Ahem. Like many shonen heroes, Naruto was hyperactive, gluttonous, and dumb- except in the field of whatever it is the shonen anime/manga focuses on. And even in this if he seemed not as good as others, he quickly caught up and had the potential to become the greatest whatever. Oh yes and his parents were a mystery. With his unfortunate death, now his chances at becoming the hokage are equal to Ash Ketchum's chances at becoming Pokemon master.
Professor: SIR!
Commentator: Oh come on! Pokemon has gone on for years and he's no closer to becoming pokemon master! Whatever that means! And so, we commend these bodies to the empty oblivion to which all shadow clones go to after they've outlived their usefulness. Good night, sweet princes, and may a choir of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Sammy: Boss!
Commentator: -What?
Sammy: Do you have any idea how offensive you're being by suggesting that all peoples believe in angels?
Commentator: -But-but-OH FINE THEN! May a choir of Shinigami sing thee to thy rest! Although I don't think their singing is quite to the level of angels.
Sammy: Bleach or Deathnote?
Commentator: IT DOESN'T MATTER!
Naruto and Sasuke: (Groan) Where am I? Where's that trumpet sound coming from? And why do I hear crackling? (Slowly open eyes to see the Commentator about the vapourise them) AAAAAAAH! (Jump out of the way before the bolts could fry them).
Sasuke: What the Hell, Commentator?
Naruto: Yeah! I know you threatened to kill me during our fight, but I didn't think you'd go through with it!
(The Commentators stare)
Commentator: AAAAAAAAAAAH! WRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITH! (Jumps behind a bush)
Professor: YOU TWO! Weren't you dead a minute ago?
Sasuke: We got better!
Sammy: This is impossible! I checked your hearts and everything and they weren't beating! Actually, they're still not beating. AHHHHH! YOU REALLY ARE WRAITH!
Professor: Sammy, where did you just feel for the heart?
Sammy: Right there! In the left side of the chest!
Professor: -Sam. The heart is in THEIR left, not yours!
Sammy: -Oh. Erm, whoops? (Touches wrists) But that still doesn't explain how I can't feel their pulses.
Professor: You feel for their pulses underneath their wrists, not above them!
Sammy: And I still can't feel any breathing! Oh, there it is!
Professor: -Sam, you're at the wrong end. That end only occasionally emits gas.
Sammy: And what about how pale they look? Actually, you look kinda pale too. Now that I think about it, everything looks kinda pale. AAAAAAAH! I'M IN THE ASPHODEL FIELDS!
(Professor takes off the foggy glasses Sammy wore to examine Naruto and Sasuke)
Sammy: Oh that's better!
Professor: Sir, you can come out now! They're not wraith! They were just misdiagnosed by an incompetent doctor!
Sammy: Hey! I'm not an expert on human anatomy! I'm not exactly human myself you know!
Professor: Isn't the heart also found in the left of a gastropod, though?
Sammy: …Gastro-what? What does that have to do with anything?
Professor: (Sigh)
(The Commentator peeps over the bush)
Commentator: I'd rather not take my chances.
Professor: Oh stop being such a baby and come out here!
Commentator: I'd rather live as a baby than to die as a man! (Disappears behind the bush)
Kakashi: Naruto, Sasuke, there you are! I was beginning to think you died or something!
Commentator: HAHAHAHAHA! Good one, Kakashi! HAHAHAHAHA! No, they were just stunned.
Zabuza: There. I've managed to cheat my death. I think I'll become an ongoing villain like Orochimaru or Akatsuki. Why am I talking to myself? Now all I need to do is sort out my arms and- Hey, what happened to all the colour? Oh no. NO, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
(Something growls and leaps in front of Zabuza, then walks towards him, making large thumping)
Zabuza: The creature's supposed to be a myth! It should not exist in any other reality!
Dahaka: I exist in all places where there are inconsistencies with what should happen. Now then, DIE ANOMALY!
Zabuza: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-gurgle.
Naruto: Hey Sensei! How come we're respectfully burying our archenemies?
Kakashi: Because Naruto, in Anime/Manga tradition, should a villain be defeated but not killed then he or she has no choice but to reform their ways and become good, so they both became good before they died.
Naruto: No they didn't! Zabuza was still evil when he died!
Commentator: As far as anyone is concerned, what really happened is that you changed Zabuza and he redeemed himself by brutally murdering a defenceless old man with a broken arm.
Naruto: Well if you think that's believable! Believe it!
Commentator: HAMMERSTRIKE! Hey, wait! Where's my mallet?
Healer: I took it back.
Commentator: You-wait, you did what?
Healer: I said I took it back.
Commentator: -Okay. You've freaked me out enough! Who are you? Show yourself!
Healer: If you insist.
(Removes hood)
Commentator: Gasp! YOU?
Healer: Me.
Professor: You!
Sammy: Who?
Professor: The Commentator's identical brother!
Commentator: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Just when I thought I found the one thing you don't meddle in, you meddle! I mean I wasn't even doing any harm! Well okay, a little harm, but it was an accident! I can't believe I shared a tofu turkey with you! If I knew who you were, I wouldn't have even invited you! AND I INVITED ALL MY OTHER WORST ENEMIES!
Healer: I always had a feeling that you'd mess up one of the franchises you visited, so I've been keeping an eye on you ever since you started this Commentating business. Just as well. The Land of Waves arc could have ended disastrously. Plus I wanted my mallet back.
Commentator: I was only borrowing it! I would have given it back to you! In about a thousand years.
Healer: You used it, a tool that was designed to protect the innocent and defeat the guilty, to hit people who annoyed you!
Commentator: It was for a greater cause!
Healer: YOU DID OUT OF SELFISHNESS!
Commentator: And what, don't my own personal feelings count as a greater cause?
Healer: NO! Well it's no use arguing with you, so I'll take my leave. Farewell, brother. I'll see you in 'Philosopher's Stone with a Difference'.
(Vanishes)
Tazuna: We cannot thank you enough ninjas for saving our village! Even though you didn't do that much in the end. Especially you, Sakura!
Sakura: Why does everyone pick on me?
Kakashi: It's because you're useless.
Sakura: Frodo is way more useless than me, and I bet he doesn't get picked on as much!
Kakashi: Yeah, well, Frodo's a main character. We can forgive him.
Sakura: I'M A MAIN CHARACTER!
Kakashi: Yeah, yeah.
Tazuna: Ahem. Before you go, I thought we might let you know what we're naming the bridge.
Naruto: Yeah?
Tazuna: We've decided to name it after the one person whom none of us would be here without.
Naruto: Yeah?
Tazuna: After the person who inspired us all to become great heroes just like him, and is deserving of the title of hero of the village!
Naruto: -Really?
Tazuna: Yes. We're calling it 'The Great- Healer Bridge'!
Naruto: -WHAT?
Healer: Really? Well it's nice that you've named the bridge after me, but if you're going to do that you'd better call it 'The Great Darren Bridge'.
Naruto: That's it we're leaving and never coming back!
Sakura: But Naruto! You just promised that kid we'll come back-
Naruto: I said we're leaving!
Kakashi: Well you're not the team leader, but okay!
Naruto: Man, I can't wait to tell Konohamaru all about our adventures!
Sasuke: Like the time you briefly fancied a guy?
Naruto: …IN MY DEFENCE HE WAS A VERY PRETTY GUY! Wait, that didn't come out right…
THE END
Professor: Well, that's a saga finished with. Although I do wonder: Did Naruto and Sasuke really die the first time, or could it be they were alive this time round because you rewound time?
Commentator: We may never know.
Professor: There's just one thing that's still baffling me. Why didn't you just revive them with electric shock?
Commentator: …WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO DO THAT? That would have saved a lot of panic!
Sammy: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been good for hilarity!
Commentator: …I suppose.
Sammy: So, will we be reading the Chuunin exams next week?
Commentator: -Yeah, about that. Anonymius has decided, now that the Zabuza Saga has finished, to take a break from Naruto and work on other things.
Sammy: WHAT?
Commentator: Look, there's a lot of Naruto to get through, and he doesn't want to devote his time doing all of it in one go! If it was a shorter series like FMA, then that would be different.
Sammy: But Boss! If we stop now, people will lose interest!
Commentator: Yeah well we continually create new FMA series and that series' hits decline after the previous one like a sequel! It won't make any difference. But do not worry people; Naruto Abridged (With Commentary) is just on hiatus! Look out for 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Chuunin Exams' by at least a month! Or around that time anyway.
Thank all of you for your support and reviews! 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)' will return!
P.S. I do not own the Dahaka either!