Author's Note: So after Star made the final judgment on the Letters Contest, I noticed that my entry received an honorable mention: Best Humor! Therefore, this is definitely something worth reading. Enjoy!

To My Nerdy Friend Otacon,

Well, I'm here in the world of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and I must say this: it's pretty awkward to be surrounded by dozens of Nintendo characters (except maybe Sonic, but he doesn't matter enough, anyway). So yeah, this begins my moment of complaints.

I should tell you that I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms right now. No, they didn't take away my cardboard box, thank God! What I mean is that the people of Nintendo won't let me smoke my cigarettes. They claim that a smoking video game character is a bad influence on young audiences or something along those lines. If you ask me, I think that's incredibly stupid. I know that this Brawl thing is rated T, but seriously, come on! Is it really that bad to see a cigarette on the screen? I've seen plenty of people in other T-rated games with cigarettes and alcohol, and nobody complains to them about it, now do they? – Sigh – they couldn't at least give me some nicotine gum, could they? I'll have to talk to Nintendo about that.

So, what else can I complain about? Oh yeah, I'm really getting sick and tired of people touching my cardboard box. You might think of me as being way too OCD about it, but you would be, too, if people kept touching your only source of privacy and stealth. I just wish that people would give my box some respect, especially that blue dog, Lucario. Oh wait, there are a few people that do respect my box: people like Link, Samus, Luigi, Zelda, Meta Knight, etc.

That brings me to another subject. There are few people in Smash Mansion that I can tolerate, let alone admire or respect. Those few people have the honor of not being constantly beaten to a pulp by my hands (outside of battle). Some of the people I mentioned above are examples. You probably have very little idea about whom I'm talking – save for their battle abilities – so I'll describe them to you.

Luigi is one of those guys who tend to be very timid and easily intimidated by most of everything that is even the slightest threat. I think he's afraid of me, since he often shows me a whole lot of respect when he's not scared enough to run away. As much of a coward he can be, he is also very smart. He knows not to mess with me or my box.

Meta Knight – oh, how do I even begin to describe him? Well, he's quiet and intimidating. He sort of reminds me of myself. I like him for the fact that he's a formidable fighter and that he's a realistic character. Some of the others with whom I hang around in this mansion are way too optimistic for my tastes, and he's one of the few down-to-earth guys whose attitudes don't agitate me. Although, something about the guy bothers me: he never takes off his mask. Normally I like to talk to people when I can see their complete faces, but he never reveals his face, so talking to him can sometimes be awkward, even for my mercenary standards.

There is also Lucario; yeah, the blue Pokemon I mentioned before. I respect him, too. Why? The reason is that he is also a rather formidable opponent. He sure is one mysterious character, though. He's not very talkative, and he tends to show off a very serious nature, as do I. However, when he does speak up, he starts some interesting conversations. I tend to talk to him if I need to vent. If you ask me, he could be my friend if he would just STOP TOUCHING MY BOX!!!

Anyway, sorry for that outburst. So who's next? Oh right, Link! Yeah, he's one of my favorites in the Smash Mansion. I don't have very many friends (besides you, Mei Ling and the Colonel, of course), but Link is one of the few friends that I have in the mansion. In fact, I think that he is the only true friend I have. The others are mere acquaintances. You might wonder why Link is my one true friend. Here's the reason: he was the first person in Smash Mansion to reach out to me. He showed me around the place and introduced me to some of the other residents. He brought me up to date on everything about Smash and he also agreed to train with me. I could be training with Captain Falcon or Ganondorf, but both of those guys really bug me, in more ways than one – damn box bullies! Anyway, Link is also a really cool guy. He's pretty optimistic, but not nearly enough to disgust me; he has to be, since he's a hero and all. We hang out together all the time (except when I need my box time), and we joke around and talk about pretty much everything, including the one topic that almost no one else can talk about with me: women.

That brings me to my next person, Zelda. When I first met her, I figured that she was merely a frail princess who could barely fight, but then I learned the hard way not to mess with her (even when the Colonel warned me not to underestimate her). After a while I got along with the princess. I learned that she is pretty nice, and she is smart. I just wish that she would be a little less dependent. I can't even begin to count how many times she's been kidnapped (same with Peach). Oh yeah, I also heard a rumor from an anonymous source that Zelda has a love interest for me. I find that odd, since I assumed that Link was her boyfriend, but I guess I'm wrong; seems like both of them are single. Now that I think about it, she has been hinting her feelings around me for quite some time. Damnit, now it really bothers me! I'm not really sure how to react to this, especially since I kind of have a love interest for someone else: Samus Aran.

Samus is the one woman in Smash Mansion who really catches most of my attention. Have you seen her? She's pretty hot; you have to admit. I can barely keep my eyes off her—or those features of hers. But anyway, her beauty is not the only reason I like her. She's also smart, independent, incredibly strong, and she has a good sense of humor. I've learned not to get on her bad side, especially when I thought that she was a guy beneath her Power Suit at first. Yep, I like her, but I have no idea what to do about that, and – you know what, I'm not even going to ask you, you computer geek. I'll just talk to Mei Ling about that, all right?

Wow, when did I learn to be so descriptive? Whatever; hey, I have to get going. The dining hall is about to serve some pretty amazing grub. Besides, I'm getting really shaky without my cigs, and my handwriting is beginning to suck as a result. I should really go talk to Master Hand about that nicotine gum. So yeah, I'll write you sometime later when I get the chance.

Sincerely,

Solid Snake

P.S. Did I mention that I hate it when people touch my box? No one messes with the box!