A/N: Well, it took me FOREVER to get this to you, but I finally felt like I could write it. A much as I wish it weren't so, the show does impact my ability to write certain emotions... and CB has had me down in the dumps for some time now. No matter how much I love them, it was really hard to write this without letting all the changes they've faced since 209 affect my viewpoint. I hope this works for you all that have been waiting so patiently. Thank you all for your amazing reviews. Please enjoy.
This is a companion piece to "Tell Him," so read that first in order to get the whole feel of things. This will be two parts; first half is Blair's perspective, second half will pick up from where the first half left off and will be Chuck's perspective. Hopefully my surge of inspiration will allow me to get it to you soon, but we shall see. I hope you enjoy this because I think I'm emotionally bleeding from writing it. (This is un-beta'd, BTW.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Blair Waldorf or Chuck Bass; they just make me take them out to play every once in awhile.
What if I Said
(Part II)
Chuck had fled his step-sister's room and shut himself safely in his own before wiping the imaginary tear from his cheek.
It had to be imaginary.
Chuck Bass doesn't cry.
Not even for Blair Waldorf.
Leaning against the door of his room, his mind's eye replayed the devastated look on her face as he watched her cry, practically pleading with him to change his mind. It was so hard for him to just sit there and keep his distance. It was all he could do to not take her in his arms…
There were so many times since they began this will-they-or-won't-they game that he thought she didn't care. In the agonizing moments when she'd gone back to Nathaniel or Marcus, he'd wished that she would show him something of what she felt so that he could know he wasn't the only one.
Now that she couldn't seem to stop crying in front of him, staring at him with eyes that told him just how much this whole thing was hurting her, he wanted to be ignorant again. He'd been the one to point out the scruples in their circumstances, it was him pulling away to save them from themselves, so her tears just now were his fault.
It made him want to stop caring about her, about how she was feeling.
Because causing her that much pain was tearing him apart.
And making him cry, apparently.
Dammit.
Then again, if he'd been strong enough to fight the urge to talk to her, to end the night on a note other than a silent elevator ride and her subsequent mad dash to anywhere far from him, there would've been no tears. At least none that he would've seen.
He could've just gone to bed, drunk himself into a deep enough stupor to forget that there were six feet between the door to where she was and his own. Then Blair and his step-sister could just have their girls' night.
But no.
He couldn't sleep on it when there'd been such a discomfort between them; he wanted her to know how he enjoyed the time he'd spent with her. He'd needed to talk to her for his own peace of mind and that conversation had caused her to cry.
Again.
Why was this so damn hard? They just needed to stay away from each other and they couldn't even manage to do that.
He didn't know what else they could do, where this thing between them was supposed to go from here, and there was no way he'd take a chance on going some uncharted place unless he figured out the direction first. It was no secret that he'd screwed up multiple times, but that didn't mean that he had to make the same mistakes again; missteps that showed just how lost he was in the relationship game only made her regret taking them.
He didn't want to screw this up and he was going to make sure he wouldn't before getting her hopes up. He couldn't stand the thought of disappointing her again, of chickening out again, or of ruining her again. He'd run out of methods to repair the damage if any of that happened, therefore he'd certainly lose her.
Somehow that had become his biggest fear.
He'd gone so long on his own, without another person caring what he did, that he wasn't willing to continue failing the one person who did feel for him. And he was certain she'd run when he messed up again. Even if she loved him, a person can only take so many hits before they defend themselves by running.
And that was if she actually loved him.
The night they'd decided to wait to become Chuck and Blair, he'd inferred that he loved her… that they loved each other. The romantic in him, that part that he preferred to forget existed, wanted to believe that she felt the same since she didn't deny it. He couldn't be sure, though.
No matter how many tears she'd shed, he needed the words just as much as she did; he needed to be sure.
Just as Chuck was about to push himself away the door he was leaning against, there were three taps against the wood. A knock gentle enough to sound timid, yet with enough volume to make the arrival of someone difficult to ignore.
Sure enough, there was another hesitant knock a moment later.
And there was no doubt to who it could be.
Breathing in deeply, he backed away from the door and turned the handle to open it. Chuck invited Blair by waving his hand, and without meeting her eyes, then closed the door behind her while steeling himself for the dejected look that should never be seen in this particular woman's eyes.
When he finally did lift his eyes to meet her own, his relief at seeing her indignant expression was tangible. Gone was the wilting flower he'd left in Serena's room; standing in her place was the Blair that accepts nothing other than her own will, the one that didn't take no for an answer.
Her hands were on her hips and her slightly puffy eyes were fixing him with an annoyed stare. "What took you so long?" she asked in irritation.
He just walked over to his bed to sit down, gesturing to the bed next to him for her to sit.
She stayed on her feet, looking down at him with disdain. "Are you incapable of speech now?"
"I wasn't expecting anyone..." he sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "We've already said goodnight."
It was a weak start, and he knew it. She'd caught him off guard, come to him in a moment where he'd been allowing himself to acknowledge how much he wished things were different, that they were normal. He'd lowered his guard briefly, let himself face her pain and accept that it was a mirror image of his own.
And all that vulnerable moment did was leave him wanting to fix this.
If she wouldn't let him drop the subject, then he didn't know how long he could resist her.
"No, you said goodnight, Chuck..." her voice trailed off softly as she approached him, sat down next to him, carefully avoided touching him, "The night's not quite over, yet." Deep brown eyes were steady on his, kinder than a moment before but still unwavering in their determination to finish their earlier conversation. "Not for me, anyway."
He now found himself wishing she'd stayed away from him tonight.
This woman, the one that was his equal in every game they played, the one that fought for what she wanted, now wanted him. Her stubborn nature was one of the things about her that had made her irresistible that first night and every night since; the fire that fascinated him and pulled him to her, even when he knew better than to heed its call, was now beckoning to him to let her have her way.
Even if listening to what she had to say was to his detriment, she deserved to say her piece; he owed her at least that much if he couldn't give her all she merited and more.
So he relented with a sweeping gesture of his hand. "Then end it, Blair."
Her eyes widened slightly, almost as if she couldn't believe he'd given up so easily. It seemed he'd caught her off guard this time.
After a few seconds of silence, she took his hand and spoke softly, "I don't want to play this game anymore, Chuck."
"It's not a game, Blair..." he replied, and attempted to pull his hand from her warm one.
She gripped it tighter, staring up at him with hard eyes. "Yes, it is. This is the 'Chuck Bass has no idea what the hell he's doing so we're gonna wait forever until he figures it out' game."
He breathed to control the undignified groan he wanted to give voice to, swiping his free hand through his tousled hair. "Don't be ridiculous..."
Cutting him off, she ranted, "You can't stand it that you don't really know everything, that you're lost and you're scared of making a mistake..."
Hadn't they been over this already?
"Blair, I have made mistakes. That's why I'm trying not to..."
"Bullshit," she spat.
Flabbergasted at her use of language, he gasped, "Excuse me?" He saw the slight victory reflected in her eyes at his surprise and knew she had him cornered. She'd knocked him off of his righteous reasons for keeping her at arms length and flat onto his ass.
"You're lying to yourself, Chuck, and you're lying to me and I'm just trying to get a little honesty here." She took a breath, but he didn't try to stop her this time. "I know you're scared; you're scared of me and of how you feel about me. Right now your plan is to string me along, thinking it'll get better eventually... and eventually you'll decide it's too hard."
She sighed and gazed at him with wide, honest eyes."Then I'll be right back to where I started, heartbroken. And that's what I'm afraid of."
Crossing her legs to angle her body towards his, she dusted the fingertips of her free hands lightly down his jaw. "I don't want to play this game anymore, Bass," she reiterated with a soft smile, "I just want you."
As the flutters drummed in his stomach, he had to admit something: she was damn good. The woman had a future as a lawyer if she wanted it; no jury could ever say no to her.
Right now she had him warring with his instinct to survive her by pushing her away. The one thing he could always count on was detachment. Until she came along and caused him to see how good caring could be, he'd been a free-agent.
And now here she was, offering herself to him to free them both.
Cautiously, he turned his hand in the grip she still held it in, and threaded his fingers through hers. "What do you suggest we do?"
He watched as she glanced down at their hands, then met his eyes again to answer him: "What you suggested I do. End it."
That was unexpected.
"End what?" he asked before adding softly, "We're nothing." Watching her carefully, he saw her eyes close at that last word... like it pained her just to hear it.
She took a second to breath before responding in a quiet voice, "Not end us... end the game."
"Even if we knew how..." he trailed off, not quite sure if asking would it work was something he could get slapped for right now. She was trying so very hard, putting so much of herself out there to change his mind.
And it was working.
Almost.
"It would be over if I said…" her voice cracked slightly, in a way that tore at his heart, but she spoke through it with determination, "if I said those three words, right?"
He wanted to say yes, wanted it to be true, but he couldn't even bring himself to nod. As much as he wanted her, needed her, loved her, he wouldn't coerce her into saying it; he'd had his chance and blown it because of games like that.
But he still waited on baited breath for her to give in...
To take the first step...
To tell him he wasn't alone.
They sat there in silence, her eyes brimming with tears, his heart stopped dead as he watched one of her tears escape and her lips move.
"Then Game Over, Chuck."
Leaning towards him, she breathed against his lips, "I love you... I love you.... I love you, Chuck."
The words washed over him, drenching his broken soul in the healing power they held.
He finally knew what it meant to be loved.
Someone loved him.
Blair loved him.
The shock lasted a moment before he wrapped an arm around her waist, crushing her chest to his, and claimed her lips with his own. She tasted like dark chocolate, sweet and decadent and taboo...
But she was no longer forbidden.
Never again would she belong to another; those eight little letters meant her heart belonged to him.
With his arms around her, he dragged their mouths apart and pressed his cheek to hers. She whimpered softly as he breathed once, twice, three times... and gave her his heart.
"I love you, Blair."
Her head dropped to his shoulder and her torso shook slightly as warm moisture soaked through his shirt, dampening his skin.
This time, he didn't mind being the reason for her tears.
After sitting there for a few minutes, holding Blair while she cried softly against his chest, he felt her delicate fingers unfastening the buttons on his shirt.
It was time to find out if all that hype about make-up sex was true.
A while later Chuck was lying next to Blair, their bodies skin to skin under the blanket on his bed, contemplating just how much things could change when she woke up. She'd been right when she said he had no idea what to do after they'd exchanged I love you's and he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit he was scared to screw up. Life was going to be different, that was certain, but he had a feeling a lot would stay the same.
He'd still be Chuck and she'd still be Blair, but they'd be together.
He was just settling on how perfect that word together felt rolling around in his mind when he heard the door open softly. He had no doubt it was Serena, he'd been wondering how long it would be before she checked on Blair, so he just watched Blair sleep and waited for his step-sister to leave. He didn't have to wait long.
Suddenly Blair shifted her head to rest on his chest, wrapping her arm around his waist in her sleep. Kissing her hair softly, he let the feeling of this moment, the perfect fit of her body against his, sink in.
Now that all was said and done, now that all the what if's were pushed aside for what will be's, one thing was for sure:
He'd been right.
Even fighting together, trying to postpone that certainty, they'd been powerless to fight their fate.
They really were inevitable.
What if I told you, what if I said that 'I love you?'
How would you feel, what would you think, what would we do?
Do we dare to cross that line between your heart and mine?
Would I lose a friend or find a love that would never end?
What if I said?
A/N: I hope I did it justice... and that it's what you all were hoping it could be. Please let me know what you thought.