Scrumdidileeumptious

Chapter 1

Angst-B-Gone

Fourteen years of my life had passed uneventfully. I had great friends, nice parents, and an easy life by all accounts. But everything and anything can change in a single moment. During winter break, my parents were hit and killed by a drunk driver on their way back from a Christmas party. I spent New Year's Eve at a graveyard - certainly not my idea of a celebration.

Everybody else, apparently, had much better things to do to ring in their new year. Other than a few distant relatives I couldn't even identify, Naruto was the only person who showed up to keep me company. It was a slap in the face as to how shallow and meaningless everything I had put all my faith in really was. At least Naruto kept an arm wrapped around my shoulders the entire time. He hugged me close while I cried. I considered him a great friend at that time, but he was shallow too. Or maybe I was just too superficial to deserve anything better.

In a blur, winter break came to an end and the second semester was starting. I decided to return to school. I didn't feel at home anywhere anyway, and I needed a distraction to ground me. Homework sounded more appealing than my mind floating in limbo wondering at the purpose of having been born at all or where I would go from here. All my thoughts were depressing. Existential questions were not anything I wanted to dwell on. I wanted to go back, or at least fast forward through the aching pain.

Life obliged by turning on a dime once again; I met the guys. All I knew about 'Akatsuki' at the time was that they were a group of outrageously dangerous (not to mention sexy) juniors. They held so much influence that the seniors said nothing to them. Wherever they went, their personalities filled the room, leaving no room for self-reflection. In other words, everything I was looking for.

I, personally, thought they were the hottest things I'd seen since I'd lit my popcorn (and microwave) on fire. No one seemed to agree with me… Something about 'convicted criminals' and 'killers' to which I respond with 'yeah, lady killers, have you seen them?!' but I digress. They had certainly been in a few scraps off campus, but I figured everyone was being pretty dramatic about their threat level. Or, even if they weren't, I don't think I cared.

Normally, I kept my renegade taste in men hush-hush because if my parents ever found out… I would be shipped off to 'The School for Wayward Girls' as my mother liked to call it when she threatened me. But she would never threaten me again, and I was feeling out of my mind enough these days that a trip down the path of self-destruction sounded pretty good. A slippery slope is an easy road to travel, after all. Much more appealing than angst on angst on angst.

The first day back, a series of events would launch a future I had never even begun to think of as a possibility. Not that I was disappointed with the outcome.

First Day Back at School

Felling like my insides had been scooped out with a giant metal spoon, I tried my very best to ignore absolutely everything to do with my parents' passing when I returned to boarding school. Instead, I drifted through the hallways like a total zombie trying to think about nothing. I even resorted to counting steps between classrooms. However, since some people were trying to be considerate, I was constantly reminded of everything I was trying to forget. If there were any students in my school that I wanted to destroy right now, it was Rock Lee, a sophomore in my school who proclaimed his love for me on a daily basis.

"Sakura, my love, I heard." He said as solemnly as possible when you were a boy with as much zeal as him.

"Look, Lee, leave her alone already, okay?" Naruto had been my shield from the mourners all day but he was already getting tired from the difficulty of the job and it was only third period.

I, myself, was ready to bludgeon the next person I saw with bullshit pity in their eyes. Naruto, knowing this, was redirecting people and advising them to steer clear. Lee, however, was not getting the picture. Nice kid, but socially stunted in the worst way.

While Naruto was desperately trying to discourage the 'Green Beast of the School's Soccer Team,' I spotted Ino and her cronies making a Bee-line for me with Tupperware meals in tow. Another 'friend' who obviously couldn't attend the funeral, since her parents wanted to go to their ski lodge two hours away - we had only known each other our entire lives after all.

That bitch, my inner self hissed. Everything I always suppressed, she shouted out - luckily, she shouted it in my mind where only me and my inner demons could hear.

Most of the day went the same. I found myself wondering if I should have even come back to school at all.

Everything was pissing me off: the teachers talking to me about harmless things in hushed voices like a normal speaking volume would shatter me; acquaintances approaching me to offer sympathy they didn't actually have, pretending like we had always been the best of friends; Naruto vehemently 'protecting' me... I was ready to tear my hair out. If people couldn't understand me, they could at least have the courtesy to leave me alone.

I couldn't take it anymore and by fifth period I was ditching with no intention of returning to class or going to lunch. Wandering the halls, I considered my options. This was, after all, my first time ever skipping class, and I wasn't exactly sure what to do. Classrooms were occupied and who ditching in the bathroom seemed... unsanitary. The roof it was! Didn't that fit with my small rebellion? It was in all of the movies, after all.

My winter break reform had done a number on my prior good-girl personality. The poorly locked door that guarded the roof fell with dignity. And my newfound sarcasm, born from emotional exhaustion and unadulterated rage.

"What the fuck was that shit?" I heard someone on a different part of the roof yell. The sound of slow footsteps approached. I stepped out of the now busted door frame. "Well hello, sexy." The same voice said again only huskier. He was one of the famous juniors. Hidan of the Akatsuki. Most memorable trait: he uses 'fuck' like how a Valley Girl uses 'like'. He slicked back his already slicked back silver hair and approached me like a predator approaching its victim.

Even though he was pretty scary right now he was made even more intimidating because he was hot! Every member of Akatsuki was. No one but me seemed to think so though. Most people were too terrified to notice they were goddamn drop dead gorgeous. I was a mess of teenage hormones, barely-hiding-it dorkiness, and complete lack of experience with men. I was probably shaking like a leaf, or shrinking into a small animal, possibly a scared kitten.

"Hi," I said, pleased that it sounded more confident than I felt. Despite my inner terror it seemed like I looked pretty normal. I wasn't huddled in a corner or anything at least. This is a step in the right direction.

I am not a kitten. I'm a woman. I told myself.

More like an infant, idiot. Stop cowering and pounce!

Uh, no.

Inner Sakura moped and I pushed that mental disease away.

"Hey, aren't you a sophomore?" A boy popped around the corner whom was easily recognizable: Tobi, the cutest member, bedecked with his eye-patch.

"Freshman, actually." I corrected trying to avoid his very Naruto-like eager gaze. I lowered my chin and tucked some of my hair behind my ear as a distraction.

"Ah, freshmeat." This was a rough and deep, rumbling voice and Kisame appeared in my field of vision. Besides the voice you notice a couple of things when you first meet Kisame. Mostly, he's blue. And tall. I had to lift my chin to look up at him when he approached. Yep, that's about all you can really take in at first glance, because he is really blue and really tall.

I also felt like I was going to pass out, surrounded by hot guys, not to mention the two hottest hadn't even arrived yet. All the blood was rushing to my face and I hoped I may be able to suppress it with sheer will power.

And as if I had willed it, there they were. Itachi, tall dark and mysterious, and Deidara, blonde and undeniably gorgeous in every way. Either of them could easily take the modeling industry by storm.

On a whole, the guys of Akatsuki were just... in one word?

Scrumdidileeumptious, my inner self suggested.

It should be illegal for this many good-looking guys to hang out together.

I sure I looked like a gaping-mouthed idiot, drooling over them, so I looked down at my sneakers and started to hum quietly.

"Eh? What's wrong?" Kisame asked with a hint of concern and started towards me.

My humming tune changed to Blue (Da Ba Dee) immediately and without my consent. They all heard it and in a second Tobi and Deidara were laughing, Kisame looked both pissed and amused, Itachi was smirking, and Hidan was smiling with the same predatory 'I'm undressing you with my eyes' look. It was the first time a guy had ever looked at me like that.

It was kind of surreal after that, the conversation just flowed and twenty minutes later I was sharing in Itachi's lunch while Hidan glared discreetly. Eventually, the end of lunch bell interrupted the meeting, and all of the guys stood up. We said a quick goodbye and Tobi gave me a goodbye glomp and all of a sudden I was alone on the roof thinking of how that that was the best lunch of my life. Itachi had good taste.

-xoxo-

The moment I walked through the empty door frame and back into the school building it was like the magic was lifted and I was back to the same depressed, borderline emo chick of thirty minutes ago. It was only a bit upsetting, so I tried to refocus on what had just transpired. The men I had just met whom I had secretly been interested in all year.

Tobi was by far the most approachable of the group. He was childlike in his sweetness and behavior. He immediately endeared himself to everybody. How'd the Akatsuki get just a negative reputation with a goofball like that in their midst? I was aware that he and Itachi were only distant relatives despite sharing the same surname, but looks definitely ran deep in that family, because, despite his childlike innocence, he was still quite handsome. Although, it did come off as more cute, due to facial expressions and his overall attitude.

Next on the approachable scale was definitely Kisame. More mature in looks and stature (like, he is seriously unbelievably tall), he had a great, if not raunchy, sense of humor and seemed to be very open to meeting new people. And with Kisame came Itachi. It was well known that they were close, if not unlikely, friends. Itachi was quiet and reserved almost always but it seemed like he might just have a personality you only get to see when you get to know him. Itachi's best feature was his intelligence though. Sex God levels of hot, or no, he constantly scored at the pinnacle of perfection in school. I also always attained high scores - why hadn't I been blessed with amazing looks, too?

Then there was Hidan, who broke the approachable spectrum into tiny pieces with a "fuck it" type of attitude. And boy did he have attitude. Rude, loud, vulgar... gorgeous, cool, confident.

I wouldn't mind being thrown around the bedroom by a man like him.

Oh my God, Inner! I can't believe you just said that! Shut up!

What? I like the bad boy thing...

In my minds eye, I was doing a face palm. Sometimes I did not know where my inner self's personality came from... but then I realized she must absolutely be the side effects of a budding mental disorder or a brain tumor and either way her personality is definitely an off-shoot of mine... Whatever, I'd rather pretend I have nothing to do with her.

Bitch...

Lastly, there was Deidara. He had not said much at lunch today, but I had caught glimpses of him speaking animatedly before. Where was he keeping that personality? I wanted to see...

Ah, he was so good looking. They were all so hot. I couldn't get them out of my mind... but I needed to go to my next class, I supposed: Swimming.

I chose not to participate and told the teacher I was feeling light-headed which was only half a lie since lunch and hot-guy reflection had left me a bit breathless. I dipped my feet in and watched the others do their laps. After that they had free swim and Naruto came over to my edge to talk.

"Hey, where'd you go?" He asked.

"To the roof," I said, evasively. He accepted that, no questions asked and we began to talk about normal things like our suspicion that Ino was pregnant and what not.

My thirty minutes of wonderful bliss were over and it seemed life would return to normal. Besides, the juniors were in a different wing of the school than the freshmen, so I would probably not see them again for a while. It wasn't like I was someone they'd come looking for.

It was easy to convince myself of this, I'd never been popular with the guys I actually liked before so it was just normal to dismiss the whole situation as a fluke in fate that would never come again.

If only, if only, the freshmen girl cried, the sexy men would just fall from the sky…

Oh, shut up.

I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa…

Isn't it embarrassing when something you think makes you laugh out loud, and everyone around you thinks you're insane?

-xoxo-

The next day began as no more than I could expect. Fewer people stared, the teachers taught again, and life virtually returned to normal. No sexy delinquents to sweep me off my feet. At least, that's what I had assumed.

I am so glad I was wrong. See, it all began in third period. English class! Kakashi was my teacher and five minutes into the class there was a knock on the door. Kakashi had Sasuke open it. Sasuke, a former crush of mine got up grudgingly, flung the door open then fell backwards in shock. There, in the doorway, stood his older, and much sexier brother, Itachi, whom glared down at Sasuke, as if disgusted. He was flanked by the rest of Akatsuki. I find that sexy in my men.

"What is it, Itachi?" Kakashi asked after an exasperated sigh.

"We're taking Sakura." Kisame stated simply. Now the entire class was staring between me and them.

Is this really happening? Pinch me if I'm dreaming.

If it's really happening, let it happen. If it's a dream, don't you dare fucking wake up.

"No." Kakashi answered immediately.

"Then we're kidnapping her." Itachi stated.

"Carry on." Kakashi answered immediately. All nonchalant like that. Like this happened all the damn time.

Hidan and Kisame charged into the room immediately, Hidan picked me up, Kisame grabbed my stuff and they just walked right out of the door with me. This ridiculous nonchalant kidnapping.

-fin... for now-

Thanks for reading!