--
Warnings: Shameless fluff and drama ahead. RK isn't mine, the song and movie briefly mentioned isn't mine either.
--
--
To L.D.,
You will be missed… always.
--
--
--
Fears
--
--
The crisp air of the night was cool, as it blew past her bangs, and swept strands of hair away from her face. Blindfolded, she was curiously more aware of her surroundings: the moonlight on her face, the thudding heart inside her chest, the warmth of a male presence behind her, and the vibrations that rumbled whenever he spoke. She knew where he was taking her, what his intentions were, but she was still too afraid and didn't want to take the chance.
"K-Kenshin?" Kaoru asked nervously.
"Yes Kaoru?"
"I'm scared."
"I know."
Kaoru thought Kenshin would be saying something else to soothe her, but he didn't. Instead he let the silence take over for a few more moments, as she contemplated and convinced herself that 'This is Kenshin', and he would never intentionally hurt her. She tried to seek comfort from the fact that he loved her, he knew what was best and he just won't harm her that way.
"Why aren't you removing the blindfold just yet?" She asked again, curiosity slowly overwhelming the suffocating sense of fear.
"Because… I'm giving you space."
Surprised with his response, she turned her face sideways so she was slightly facing him and asked, "Space for what?" She freed her hands held steadfastly on the railing, reached and felt for his hands wrapped around her frame. "You're holding me already."
He chuckled that male laugh she so loved and left her feeling warm all over, "Love, I'm merely giving you time to adjust to your surroundings."
"Is that so?"
"Hn."
As they settled towards their comfortable silence, Kaoru took the opportunity to be more sensitive to her other senses. She could hear the slight traffic noises from afar; feel the breeze against her face and the trembling of her legs as she felt the weightlessness of being on top of a secluded and high place in the middle of the night. But no matter how scared she felt, she knew that not far behind was someone she could trust with her life, someone whose very presence seem to overpower everything else from where she stood. His scent and his warmth were the balm to calm her. And it was at that moment, when she realized that he was doing this for her, helping her overcome her fears as seemingly silly as her fear of heights, and suddenly she just knew… she was ready and willing – to give up everything for chance and take the blindfold off.
Kaoru took a deep breath, summoning all the courage she had in her lithe body, getting all she could take from him as well, "I'm ready."
"You sure?"
She merely nodded.
"Tell me your promise first." Kenshin nudged her teasingly.
"I promise that after this little ordeal, we can take the plane and go to France for our honeymoon."
Kaoru felt, rather than heard him smile behind her, and it made her smile too. And as she felt his hands untie the knot slowly behind her head, she suddenly realized how exhilarating it felt, knowing in a few seconds she was facing her fear – with Kenshin beside her - and it was all she needed to be reassured. This was it. There'll be more moments like this in their future, where they would just help with each other's fears. Like an epiphany, she thought of how there was nothing more she wanted than her future with Kenshin.
The blindfold came off, and slowly she opened her eyes.
Her smile widened, her fear overcome.
Indeed, he was right.
The view this side of the world was spectacular.
--
--
Kaoru watched as the credits of her favorite movie rolled by and the familiar classic song wafted across the living room. She hadn't even realized she had been crying until she felt the single tear past her right cheek. 'How silly!' it was to cry over such petty things. She had watched it so many times yet that particular scene when the heroine ran across the streets to find her lost cat, and her lost love… in the midst of the rain… no matter how unrealistic the grandeur of its theory on love, it never failed to make her cry.
Two drifters off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world to see…
Maybe it was because in the end, the heroine learned to take her chances and love someone freely and completely.
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waiting round the bend…
What the heck! Suddenly feeling irritated, Kaoru turned the television off. There was no use getting sentimental, it will just make her more depressed. She regarded the stupid reason why she had to watch that movie again. After hearing THE news, she thought she could prolong the time to think of the things that need to be thought or the feelings that need to be felt. For a while, she wanted to just feel numb. And so, she decided putting off those thoughts and emotions for at least two hours and thought a good ole' movie will help clear her mind up. How horribly wrong that decision was… for all throughout the movie, she could only think of her divorce as she stared blankly at the screen, mind whirling with memories or regrets, and only realizing that the movie had ended in the rain with a romantic kiss and a promise of what was to come. It ended the way it always did.
Earlier that evening, she had received a call from her lawyer, telling her everything is done. Finished. The divorce has been approved and finalized. Legally, Kaoru was a free woman. Emotionally, after five months, she was still a wreck inside.
She spent several long moments, maybe hours, sitting still on the blue comfortable couch, hearing the wall clock tick its hands way past midnight. Her coffee was sitting on the table, half empty and left cold and she was merely staring into space. She brought her feet up, tucking her knees under her chin and hugging her legs closer, as if trying to find warmth and comfort from her own arms.
She did not know how long she sat there staring at nothing, feeling all things at once. It was incredible how she had no tears to shed, and briefly she wondered if she had turned into a heartless, emotionless woman.
Isn't this what she wanted? Then why was she left empty?
She lost something within her, and it just wasn't Kenshin. They both lost something, and it would take a million more heartbeats to recover. She felt as if she has just lost a finger or a limb, losing something important that is very much a part of her. And yet she knew… it will eventually heal in time. She can move on, limbless, and yet never complete. For the loss is so very evident that she will feel it every single day of her life.
Briefly, Kaoru thought of her son upstairs. Kenji was tucked in his bed sleeping soundly, and Kaoru realized how much she envied the boy for being able to sleep peacefully. She envied his innocence to the harshness of their reality. As a mother she would like to protect Kenji from the hurt, knowing that in a few days, he would be forced to understand things… like how his father is never going to come home, or how Kenji's days will be spent bouncing back and forth between his parents. Kenji was too bright for his age, and soon he will ask questions, the kind of questions she really dreaded to give an answer.
Thinking of Kenji made heat boil in her eyes, as tears threatened to fall. However, Kaoru was saved by a ringing sound jerking her away from her thoughts. It took her three more rings before she realized that it was just the phone. The sounds pulling her from her emotional shell, making her come back in the house, in the living room where she still sat, unmoved, in the blue comfortable couch.
Forcing herself to move, she went where the phone lay, and after mentally preparing herself to answer the call, she could only croak out the simple words.
"Hello?"
"Kaoru?"
"Me-Megumi?"
"Hai. It's me. I'm sorry for calling this time of the night. Did I wake you up?"
"No, not really." Inwardly, Kaoru thought of how much she didn't really want to talk to anyone right now. As much as she loved Megumi like a dear, old sister, she was not ready to confront anyone about her feelings. It was too soon. Not when the news is still so new, and she was still getting used to the idea of being a free woman.
"Enjoying your new-found freedom?"
Oh that. Kaoru thought, staring at the ceiling searching for a reply.
"I'm surprised everyday by how the news travels so quickly."
Whether Megumi detected the sarcasm in Kaoru's voice, she seemingly ignored it. "Listen, I know you probably want to be alone right now, it's just that I want you to know…" Kaoru could almost feel Megumi, shuffling uneasily on the other line. "You don't need to be burdened all alone."
A pregnant silence fell. Of course, Megumi cared. Feeling a bit guilty for bitching out earlier, she responded more kindly. "I know, Meg. Thank you."
"Do you want me to come over and talk about it?"
Kaoru sighed heavily and shook her head. She needed comfort, but she needed to be by herself more. "No, I just want to be alone."
"Are you going to be alright?"
I will be. I'm determined to be alright.
"Yes."
"If you need anyone to talk to…"
"Yes, I know."
"Okay."
Kaoru felt that Megumi will be saying goodbye soon and hang up, when she suddenly felt the insane need to ask, "How did you know?"
"About tonight?"
"Yeah"
"From Sano."
"Oh."
"Kenshin told him and Sano told me… I'm sorry if–"
"It's ok you would have all known sooner or later." The truth was she felt relieved that the awful news didn't have to come from her. Awful? Why was it awful when she was the one who asked for it? She should be outside celebrating her so called 'freedom'. But she just didn't feel like it.
"Kaoru, I hope you don't mind me saying this but… I'm worried about you and Kenshin."
"Megumi, we've talked about this countless of times I–"
"It's not about that Tanuki-chan, listen to me!"
Amazingly, something about Megumi's tone made her shut up and listen.
"Kenshin's out with Sano." And before Kaoru could open her mouth to say anything, the fox had beaten her to it. "And before you lash out on me about pretending not to care about your ex husband's whereabouts, I want you to hear me out."
"Okay, I'll listen."
"The reason I learned about the divorce is because… Kenshin has passed out in an unknown bar, very very drunk. If the bartender wasn't so kind as to ask Kenshin and rummage through Kenshin's phone to call Sano, who knows what might have happened to him?"
Kaoru shook her head, "Meg, please I don't need to hear about this."
She didn't want to care. She didn't need to hear about Kenshin's wayward drinking just because they had officially divorced.
"Kaoru, I'm not asking you to change your mind and go back to him and pretend like nothing happened. It might not be too late for that. But, I know it's not what you need."
"Then what do I need Megumi? Can you tell me right now to stop making me so damned confused?" Giving emphasis to the last sentence, Kaoru didn't mean to raise her voice, but she was getting really mad. She didn't need other people meddling with her life just yet.
Megumi was silent for few moments, as if giving Kaoru time to calm down so she would hear Megumi out.
Finally Kaoru had ceased breathing heavily and this urged Megumi to continue, "I'm not asking you to be Kenshin's wife again. I'm just asking you… for the sake of what you and him had gone through, don't shut him out. Don't be a stranger to him. He's been there for you the past ten years. I know it will take time before you can trust him again. But, for the sake of Kenji, please try to be at least friends with him."
Megumi's words rang true. And it took all her energy not to let the damn of tears flow just yet. She muttered a curt "I know, I will" before hanging up without as much as a goodbye. She knew Megumi would understand.
I know.
I will.
I will try to trust him again.
I will try to be friends with him again.
Such things were more often than not, easier said than done. Yet even after all that has happened, she knew in her heart that she could never willingly shut Kenshin out of her life. Not just because he was still Kenji's father, but because he was that finger or limb that cannot be just cut off from her life.
It has been five months since that fateful meeting in the restaurant, almost eight months since his act of unfaithfulness. The baby, his baby from another woman is going to be born soon, no matter how much more time Kaoru wanted time to slow down as possible. The coming of the baby meant confronting her fears about telling Kenji, her fears of losing Kenshin to this baby, to that woman. Of course she was still mad and her wounds were still raw even after all this time, but how could she blame an innocent baby who will be brought in the world unaware of the havoc his conception has created?
Yes, she was mad. She was bitter. But she was not so hateful as to hate an innocent baby for it.
Kaoru knew, she will have to confront these fears… and it will be very soon.
What with the coming of the baby and Sano and Megumi's wedding in a few weeks…
She would have to meet Kenshin again.
There were so many things that needed to be said, rules about their future relationship that needed to be set up. And exactly how she was going to say these things when the time came, she would never know.
But for now, only time will tell.
--
--
A/N
I'm not particularly satisfied with this chapter because it did not match the intensity of the first chapter. But I recently lost someone (through death) who was dear to me and I just wanted to write something about the loss, even if the grief was for a different kind. Don't know if it worked though. I did like one particular paragraph which stuck with me. I have originally intended this to be a one-shot, and yet I couldn't help but write another, and I do hope it left readers something to hope for the characters, like in real life anything is an open ending.
I would really appreciate your comments to keep this one inspired. I tend to procrastinate. I have written two more chapters for this, but it's all in my head and leaves to be actually written in paper.