A Hint of Finality Chapter 1: Spaces, a rurouni kenshin fanfic

Warning: This fic is an intense AU and characters may have a tendency to be OOC. So please, if you're not into those things, don't read. Also, I know that this may not appeal to a lot of readers, but this story is little sumthin' while I'm finding inspiration for my other fic Sun and Moon.

RK is not mine.

A Hint of Finality

He didn't really want to get out of the car. He had been sitting in his car for the past 10 minutes in the parking lot. Gripping the steering wheel, staring at the people coming in and out of the lot, minding their own business. His mind whirling with thoughts of denial. But he didn't want to get out. Getting out and walking to the restaurant, where Kaoru sat, waiting, would be making everything official.

No, he didn't want to make it official.

His divorce from Kaoru. Kaoru, his wife of five years; Kaoru, the mother of his child; Kaoru, his college sweetheart.

But he knew he had to. It was something they had agreed to do, for things could only go downhill after everything. If only he had been strong enough, if only she had trusted him, if only he had been more persistent in winning her back…Maybe they didn't have to meet here in this damn Chinese restaurant discussing the details of their divorce. Discussing the details of their asset settlement, the custody of their son, Kenji. Suddenly, he didn't have the appetite for Chinese food. How ironic it was that they were meeting in their favorite Chinese restaurant.

His mobile phone started ringing, and the name Koishii registered. Funny, with the divorce going on and everything, he did not have the heart to change his pet name for her in his phone. He didn't want to answer it. He was already late by 10 minutes, and Himura Kenshin was never late for anything. He sighed.

Was she that impatient to be freed from him? Can't she wait a little longer?

No, there was no way of getting out of this. It was time to face the approaching reality.

He grabbed his keys and jacket, and opened the door of the car to let himself out. He purposely left his phone in the car. The atmosphere was moist, signaling the impending shower of rain. The grey skies certainly matched his mood. He breathed in the cold afternoon air, trying to gain some composure before he faced her.

It was time to face the truth; it was time to be an adult about this. This was what she wanted; this was what he will give her. Maybe in the end, when all was said and done, when she has regretted everything, he will be the first one to tell her, that he wasn't the one who gave up on their relationship.

She was at fault.

But then again, maybe not.

Because he gave up on them first.

Kaoru could only wonder where he was, he had never been late. But she couldn't blame him. Divorce was never and will never be easy to a couple who once committed themselves for a lifetime of 'till death do us part'. She was the one who insisted on this. Meeting under the pretense that they could carry on a normal relationship, for the sake of Kenji she had to at least be civil with him.

A waiter approached her for the third time that day, and asked her. "Miss, are you ready to order?" She looked up at him and the waiter seemed to be looking at her with pity in his eyes. She must have indeed looked pitiful, waiting for someone the past 20 minutes, and that particular someone doesn't seem to have any plans of showing up. He wasn't answering her calls.

"No, I'm waiting for someone." She said irritated. The waiter refilled her glass of water. She muttered her slight thanks before he walked away, leaving her to her private thoughts.

She knew Kenshin will show up. He never broke promises. As far as she could remember, he only broke them once.

And it had to be the most important promise that he had to break. That promise of loving her, of being faithful to her. Forever.

But this time, she didn't cry. She didn't think she had any tears left. Others may have called her heartless; for insisting on a divorce, for not learning how to forgive him. But she knew better, and she was the only one who truly knew the reason for her insistence. Her pride didn't allow it. But then, again, so did her heart. Divorce was the best decision.

For she didn't think they can ever be the same: Kenshin and her. She had too much of hate in her heart. And it will eventually break them more and more apart.

This is all for the sake of Kenshin, of Kenji.

But that didn't make the pain any less. That didn't stop her from crying at night, alone and afraid. Afraid for her life, afraid of Kenji's future, afraid of making the wrong decision. Afraid that with this final decision, Kenshin would truly stop loving her and move on.

He had begged for her forgiveness. He had tried everything to win her back. He even gave her the space to think, alone. But the other woman's pregnancy had been the last blow, and yet, Kenshin had insisted it happened only once.

Made the mistake only once, only for it to break the very foundation from which their relationship was based – trust.

Someone moved in front of her. And she need not look up to see it was him. She only needed to smell the familiar scent he carried, that smell of musk in his aftershave. When she refused to meet his gaze, he moved to sit himself in front of her. For a while they sat across from each other, silent and looking at each other's eyes. Both hands on the table, though very far away, not even remotely close to touching. Daring the other to make the first move.

She was the first to smile, a fake smile which carried all the bitterness she felt.

It was time to pretend.

After a few awkward moments, ordering their food, trying not to look at each other, appearing as business-like as possible, the waiter left them alone to deal with their personal problems. A few moments of silence permeated the scene, and all that they could hear was the buzzing of the diners around them and of the clanging of the utensils against the porcelain of expensive china. He first spoke.

"How's Kenji?" it was obvious really, he had known Kenji will be at his grandma's house as he and Kaoru settled everything. She decided to go with the flow. Kenji was a safe topic.

"At my mom's house" her mouth curving slightly in amusement, "Mom has been complaining that I don't bring Kenji there too often." And for a while, the thought of their son put all of the stiffness away.

"He has that effect on people doesn't he?"

"Yes, Kenji-chan sure does. He has this way of making people smile." She smiled a genuine smile, not looking at him in particular, but in remembering of their son. And his heart constricted in pain, knowing that he would probably never see that smile upon him ever again.

"Just like his mother." He said, looking at her in the eye, trying to convey something she refused to understand. She was the first to look away. Maybe talking about Kenji wasn't such a safe topic.

"I heard about your promotion, congratulations." She quickly changed the subject. Trying to keep her voice neutral, despite the internal turmoil she felt. He always managed to disarm her with his simple compliments, and she never really got used to it even after years of being together.

He sighed, sensing the change in her mood. Would it be really wise to talk about his work? The one thing that started it all? The falling piece that started the domino effect? His long working hours, her inability to understand his need to work overtime, her unjustified jealousy over his colleague, his being fed up with her lack of trust, of her constant complaining. And then finally, that lack of trust that pushed him in the arms of the other woman, even for just one night.

That one night that he would regret for the rest of his life.

"Thank you." He replied curtly.

"Well, it seems that all your hard work has finally paid off hasn't it?" She hoped she didn't sound too sarcastic.

He tried to smile, but failed. And she sensed the façade behind it. After all, she had known him for ten years. She knew when he was faking it or not.

Yes, he had been promoted to an executive position at a very young age. He had made history with his accomplishment. All of his colleagues were talking about him, his bosses raving about him, how he was so brilliant, hardworking and intelligent, to be promoted at the young age of 30.

But at what price? All of this success for what? He thought inwardly. He regretted the hours he spent overtime when he could have been spending it on his family; playing with his son or making love to his wife. The need to prove himself, had backfired on him, and cost him his everything, his family.

Thankfully the waiter came back with their order of drinks. For a while they could be distracted. Hers a glass of green iced tea; and his, a flute of white wine. Then their waiter left again.

The continued silence and the awkwardness made it difficult to attempt anything of making a small talk seem natural. And for the first time since they had met that afternoon, he studied her appearance, while sipping on his wine casually. She was wearing a white cardigan, fitting her body perfectly; her face was devoid of any makeup. She didn't need any of it; she will always be beautiful in his eyes, no matter how she looked or dressed. Wasn't it her simplicity that first drew him to her? Her neck was adorned with the necklace he had given her just this last Christmas, when everything was simple between the two of them, but her finger no longer held their wedding ring they have exchanged years ago.

And it hurt. The idea that she was claiming that she was not 'his' anymore, by removing the very thing that symbolized their commitment. The thought of her not wearing her ring shouldn't hurt so much, but it did. Because he was still hoping, and he was still wearing his. He secretly took his ring off under the table and put it in the pocket of his pants.

He shifted his gaze to her face again, and frowned. She suddenly looked thinner and paler than he had remembered. He knew she had been under a lot of stress, but he couldn't help himself getting worried. Maybe she was losing sleep over him too? He allowed himself to hope. But it wasn't worth it, knowing she might be wearing herself out with stress.

Maybe there is still a chance for the two of them?

Meanwhile, Kaoru refused to falter under his direct scrutiny. She knew he was studying her, probably drinking in on her appearance after not having seen her for so long. Kaoru needed a distraction and quick, for his eyes were conveying emotions she wasn't ready to face. She decided to get to business, reaching for that brown envelope containing the pieces of papers they both dreaded. Their divorce papers.

He was surprised that she would get down to business this early. Then again, she had always been the impatient one hadn't she?

"You didn't bring your lawyer." He commented.

"You didn't bring yours." This time there was no more small talk. She handed him the papers.

"I just thought we are both mature enough to handle this without any mediators."

"So did I."

"You're getting better at this, huh?"

She did not comment.

He stared at the papers, not reading everything. Just looking at that part of the page where his name and her name were placed. He can see she had already signed hers. He put it away in the meantime; she looked surprised but decided against asking.

Her heart started to hope. Maybe he was still willing to fight for them? She wanted him to tear the papers apart, to grasp her hand and tell her they were making a big mistake, to tell her that he still loved her and that he cannot live without her. There is that still that selfish part of her that wanted to believe that everything will still work out for both of them. But alas, even if he did, she knew in her heart that her pride wouldn't allow it. She couldn't forgive him for what he did, just yet.

"Let's get to business after we eat. I hope you don't mind. All this divorce talk is making me less hungry" He replied smiling, making a feeble attempt at humor, crushing all the hope in her heart.

"Sure, I don't want to lose my appetite too. Those shanghai rolls are looking good."

They both tried.

And they both failed.

After eating their lunch in silence, with a few exchanges in conversation, it was time to get back to more important matters. They ate very little, both not having a huge appetite, despite their favorites being served. Kenshin was carefully reading the papers, while Kaoru was nervously looking around, waiting for him to respond. He asked a few questions, here and there about certain arrangements and what possessions they have decided to keep (the painting of this, the house in that), and most important of all, they talked about handling Kenji, who will have him during weekdays and weekends. It was too painful of a subject, but it was necessary. At least they didn't despise each other enough not to think of the welfare of the child.

They didn't have a choice.

Finally, for what seemed like an eternity, he looked up. And she recognized the look in his eyes, dreaded on what he was going to ask. She knew he was going to ask something for the very last time.

"Is this what you want? Will this make you happy?" He asked, his voice soft, his eyes pained.

She gave an almost hesitant nod. "This is what I want… I don't think we can go on like this."

He hung his head in surrender, raised his pen, and signed the papers.

She waited for what seemed like an eternity, when all that it took was a mere two minutes.

He handed her back the papers, though refusing to look at her, afraid of what she will see, the vulnerability of his emotions. The sense of loss and defeat. The regret.

She took a hold of the papers and placed it back in the envelope. How had they come to this? Was everything so perfect that fate decided to tear them up apart? Was she really prepared to see him walk away from her life?

It will not make me happy. She realized.

And he looked up, for she had voiced her thoughts aloud. Hope suddenly giving in to light.

"Then why, Kaoru? Why the divorce? Why this?" He was suddenly mad with anguish. How could she give up on them? Just like that. "I know I made a mistake, I know I screwed up. But can't you at least give me a chance?" He grasped her hand, trying to make her see his point.

"Do you think it's that easy? For me to forget what you did!"

"But what about Kenji? Are you even thinking of how this might affect him?"

"I'm thinking of Kenji. Damnit! I'm thinking about Kenji even when you were out there having sex with some other woman." Her shoulders started to shake with anger. Her words hurt, and his expression softened. It took a while before he spoke again.

"I know it is not easy to forgive me, to forget what I did… But… I want this… our marriage to work…"

She was silent. He tried again.

"I still want us to work…Kaoru… Even if it means waiting for –"

"It isn't enough Kenshin, she is with child!"

"I am not with her. I am not in love with her Kaoru. It was a mistake."

"But what about the baby, Kenshin? Are you just going to let your mistake ruin the baby's life?"

"I will support the baby, if it's mine. But I want to be with you and Kenji, can't you see that?"

"I…I…" She stammered, she knew that he still loved her. She loved him! God knew how much she still loved him despite of everything! But she can't, let him love her again. She can't give him that permission to hurt her again. She just couldn't give him the same love she had, with the very same trust. She will always look at him and remember that he had cheated on her. That his love for her was never strong enough. Not strong enough to overcome her insecurities and his temptations. Maybe it was better if he hated her. "I just can't!" She finally burst into tears, trying to control her emotions, no longer caring if the other diners were looking at them curiously.

He released her hand, and suddenly she was afraid that he had decided to leave. That he had really left her. How selfish was she, asking for a divorce yet wishing that he wouldn't let her go. She was surprised when he was suddenly there, sitting at her side, hugging her to him as he let her cry. She cried against his tailored long-sleeved shirt. Letting it all out, while there he was, cradling the back of her head, whispering reassurances in her ear.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

It was the first time, that she had let herself do that. Cry in front of him. She had always been too proud to show weakness. She wasn't the one at fault, so she wouldn't allow it. But at that moment she cried.

For him.

For her.

For Kenji.

For all that they have lost and will probably never regain.

When she had finally calmed down, she pulled back and Kenshin reluctantly released her. She looked up at him, her eyes, though red and puffy, were once again brave and determined, and he couldn't help but admire her for it. He suddenly felt aware of their positions, of their bodies close, with his arms still loosely wrapped around her. Her face was vulnerable, like a child's. Her lips were red from crying. And at that moment he wanted to kiss her.

Because he missed her, missed her so badly. But more importantly, he wanted her to see… to understand. That they still had that something not worth losing.

Kaoru knew what he was thinking, he was looking at her with obvious need burning in his eyes. He was going to kiss her any moment now, and her last vestiges of control will fail. And that was when she realized, she had gone too far. This wasn't what she planned. She drew away and stood up. She suddenly reminded herself of what she had gone through, all those restless nights, the betrayal, the tears of her hatred and self-pity. She remembered what she had to do. She gathered her things, her envelope and her courage, preparing to leave.

Kenshin stared up at her, surprised, sensing the sudden change in her emotions. He didn't like the way her eyes hardened. Those eyes told him, that what she was about to tell him wasn't going in his favor. And once again, he felt afraid, he was losing her fast and he didn't know how else to prevent it.

"I just…" She hesitated. She needed to get out of there before she lost her newfound courage.

"…Goodbye Kenshin"

With a last look, she turned and left.

The implication behind those words was not lost on him.

It took a lot for him to reply, though he knew she will not hear. Maybe for now he would let her go.

"Take care, Kaoru." He sighed, face painted with a lot of regret. "Take care of Kenji… for now."

He couldn't bring it upon himself to say goodbye to her. The idea seemed so final, and he knew that he was always going to try.

For today, he will admit defeat, because she still needed to heal.

But there she was, walking away from him, her mind made up.

Determined to make a fresh start, and erase the traces of his memories. Theirs.

A life without the pain.

Without him.

A/N: A cheating Kenshin and the events are OOC, but don't tell me I didn't warn ya. This has been burning at the back of my mind for months, and it begs to be released. I know it's not the most original, but I enjoyed writing the emotional complexity of it all. And no, Tomoe isn't the other woman. The other woman is unnamed.

I'm thinking of doing a sequel, something not-so-dramatic and w/ Kenji in it (that is if I find the time). If you didn't like it, well I could just leave it as a one-shot, or maybe even delete it. Please be kind with your negative comments (let them be constructive). Until then, please review on how I can make it better. Hey, no flaming, KK fans, I'm a KK fan too!