To You, an Admirer Chapter 1: Part 1, a merlin fanfic

PLEASE NOTE TO ALL OLD AND NEW READERS I am currently working through this story to re-write so bits and fix some mistakes where and there within the fic. Note that as always LiveJournal has the most update and best quality of this story so you should go there for more frequent updates. Can you all please note also that because the narration breaks in the story have (for some reason) been taken out... so I've had to trail through the whole start and put them back in.

It had started with a letter. Very few people knew that. It was one letter and one mistake. There few people in the world who would imagine timid little Gwen finding the courage to write about her feelings to the boy she liked and even fewer people who imagined bold Guinevere worrying over what to put in a letter to anyone, even if it was to the boy she had a crush on.

Yet this was how the whole thing began, one evening in early spring.

Gwen sat at the table by her bed, hand to her mouth, shyly contemplating whether or not she would be able to write down her feelings. They embarrassed her, like a schoolgirl in love. That was how she felt; it was how she always felt when she had a crush.

Eventually she picked up the quill, dipped it in ink and began, for the third time, to draft her enamoured confession.

I can't believe it's taken me this long to write—

No, thought Gwen.

You know that I am awkward with words but you are the only one who doesn't seem to know why. Everyone else knows how I feel, except you. I know it's just the way you are so I decided the only way to make you understand would be to write it down…

Gwen stopped to consider what she had written so far. It was hard for her not to chuckle coyly under her breath. She touched her warm cheeks with her cold hands; they were flushed from the emotion. Just say what comes from the heart, she thought. Finally she cleared her throat and went on writing.

I feel braver safer in putting my feelings to paper. I'm worried what you would think if I said it to you face. Every time I see you I feel all light inside, my blood feels as if it's burning in my veins…

That sounds both desperate and stereotypical, Gwen thought. She knew that burning sensation was common and was spoken about all the time in love letters and poetry. She scribbled it out and decided to rephrase:

Every part of me aches every time I see you smile and that makes me feel all the lighter. It would be an understatement to say that you are the sweetest individual I know…

"'Understatement', come on Gwen!" she groaned.

At that moment her father, Tom, popped his head around the door. He had heard her and wondered what was going on. "Are you alright, Gwen?"

Gwen lent over the letter, embarrassed, and smiled, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm perfect, brilliant. I'm just... thinking. Dinner will be on soon. Mushroom soup."

Tom smiled, "Sounds lovely."

He left and Gwen took a deep breath. She twiddled the quill between her fingers, feeling too self-conscious to write some of the things in her head. It was no different from when she was face to face with him, backtracking and making a fool of herself. It was not even the thought of Merlin reading it that scared her. It was just her feelings. Even in her diary she never dared write his name.

She pressed the pen to the paper and her nervous hand managed to write the words:

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you…

Once she had written it she felt as if she could write it a billion times. She read over her scribbles again, deciding how to phrase it into the letter. After another moment of contemplation she began writing again, her hand feeling freer:

I love you. If that comes as a surprise then I have nothing else to say other than I love you.

Her hand now felt loose and she began write more:

I know I'm not as beautiful like that Cara was or Lady Morgana is but I have always tried best to make you see that I'd do anything for you. I thought you might have guessed after what happened with the chalice but you obviously didn't see it. I understand why you don't get it. I sometimes wonder if my love is truly in vain. But I won't lie to you anymore. I won't lie. I adore you...

Now I'm babbling, Gwen thought. She threw the quill down and buried her face in her hands. "He's going to think I'm a lunatic!"

You said I wouldn't know the right man for me if he was standing right next to me, but I do. I love you.

"Now I really do sound like a lunatic!" she muttered.

I love your good well-meaning nature, your angelic face and your good heart. You could probably do much better but I could never love again. This letter is the only way I could make you see without you thinking I was joking.

She took another piece of paper ready for the final version while she considered what she would say for an ending.

I'm sorry if this letter came as a surprise to you but the last thing I want to do is embarrass you. If you felt what I felt right now, you'd understand. The thought of you invades my thoughts and dreams. It's like you're haunting me.

Another sigh escaped Gwen's lips.

If you do not return my feelings, then please just discard it and forget you ever read it. I'd rather you forgot then feel bad and have to explain yourself later. Then I can move on.

If you do feel the same way then send a reply to me by leaving the note behind the lose brick at the back door of the northwest wing of the castle. I'll collect it on Friday.

Gwen decided to sign off.

There are so many things I want to say, but I'll leave it there.

Thinking of you, Gwen

She straight away rethought the putting of her name. This was a confession of love, so should it be anonymous. After all it was a wonderful thing to hear that someone loves you even if you don't know who it is. There was something more romantic about a secret admirer.

So, she scribbled her name out, and looked at her love letter again;

I feel braver safer in putting my feelings to paper. I'm worried what you would think if I said it to you face. Every part of me aches every time I see you smile and that makes me feel all the lighter. It would be an understatement to say that you are the sweetest individual I know.

I love you. If that comes as a surprise then I have nothing else to say other than I love you.

No, I am not as beautiful as some but I have always tried best to make you see that I'd do anything for you. I thought you might have guessed but you obviously haven't. I understand. I sometimes wonder if my love is truly in vain. But I won't lie to you anymore. I won't lie.

If you do not return my feelings, then please just discard it and forget you ever read it. I'd rather you forgot then feel bad and have to explain yourself later. Then I can move on.

If you do feel the same way then send a reply to me by leaving the note behind the lose brick at the back door of the northwest wing of the castle. I'll collect it on Friday.

Thinking of you always,

An Admirer

Gwen sighed. Her hand was shaking. This was the best she could do. She could write it up neat, seal it and send it on its way. But how would she give it to him without him realising it was her? She needed to give it to someone who could pass it on to him. At first she thought of giving it to Gaius but then quickly reconsidered it. He'd know it was from her, and that would defeat the whole point of her being a secret admirer.

She held the sealed letter up, as if to admire it.

Gwen decided to give it to someone outside of their circle, someone who wouldn't tell Merlin it was her. She decided she would give it to one of the underling servants who would then pass it onto Merlin without a thought.

She ran her fingers over the seal, almost unwilling to let it go. The thought that Merlin would hold the words she had written in his hands, read it and consider it made her feel all a flutter. Yet despite of her worrying over what he would think all she could do was smile.

The next day on her way to tend to Morgana Gwen approached asked one of the young palace servants. He was the cook's son, only a youngster who served in Arthur's wing of the castle. If a letter was to be handed on to Merlin without him knowing where it came from, she knew the safest way was to hand it to someone like this. And the boy could hardly refuse; she was the Lady Morgana's handmaiden, after all.

"Excuse me!" she called to the boy.

He had a bored look on his face as he turned. He had spent the early morning running around after 'Old George' – a veteran servant of the old days – and was not in the best mood. "Morning, Gwen."

Gwen bit her lip as she handed him the letter. "Could you pass this letter to Prince Arthur's manservant, Merlin? Don't tell him it's from me."

The boy took the letter without thinking anything or saying another word. He looked at it before walking off in the direction of Prince Arthur's apartments. He knew not to ask questions when higher ranking servants told him to do something as they were the ones that had the ears of their masters. Plus both his mother and Old George would give him a thrashing if they thought he was getting impolite or lazy.

Once the boy was out of sight Gwen had regrets straight away. Even though she had not signed the letter she dreaded to think what Merlin would think when he read the letter. Would he immediately guess it was from her? That was Gwen's biggest fear. On the other hand anyone else probably would guess it was from her straight away but not Merlin. He was too gullible and modest. Then again, Gwen thought, even if he did guess would that such a bad thing?

These thoughts plagued Gwen as she made her way to work.

"Are you alright, Gwen?" Morgana asked as she walked in holding a fresh bouquet of flowers.

"Oh," Gwen said, feeling her cheeks blush. "Yes I'm fine, milady. I-I picked some fresh flowers for you. I hope you've been sleeping better."

"Not bad," Morgana sighed, indicating that she had had yet another rough night. Her bad thoughts were pushed back when she saw Gwen's face. She tilted her head in amusement and smiled, "Now tell me what's wrong with you."

"Me" Gwen squeaked, now bright red. "Nothing's wrong with me!"

Her mistress chuckled, "That's funny because if I didn't know any better I'd say you were smitten." Gwen bit her lips and looked down. "Merlin, is it?"

The girl looked up again. Determined to hide her already obvious embarrassment she smiled and grabbed a vase, "I'll get some water for the flowers, shall I?"

As Gwen made her escape Morgana called out to her. "For what it's worth I think he likes you too."

"Really...?" Gwen gasped as she spun around and spoke before thinking. She immediately regretted; she had given away her feelings within seconds and felt quite ashamed of Morgana's teasing smile. Gwen tried to make a recovery in vain. "I-I mean, is that so?" she garbled out.

Morgana nodded, "Yes. You're a lovely young woman he'd be bad not to. He just doesn't realise it yet."

Merlin was on his way to Arthur's chambers when the young page boy rushed up to him and handed him the letter. His hands full of Arthur's tunic and various other things he had been ordered to get. He leaned down so the boy could balance it on top of the pile.

"I was asked to give this letter to you" the boy said.

"Why, is it for Prince Arthur?" Merlin asked, literally trying to keep grip of his work load. "Who asked you to give it to me?"

"I can't say" the boy said. "She just said to give it to you."

"So, it was a she?" Merlin said trying to balance what he was carrying over one arm to take hold of the letter. "I'll take it to Prince Arthur. It's probably one of his female fans."

He made his way up to Arthur's chambers, wondering what fun activity he would be set to today. Would it be sword fighting, cleaning boots, or maybe he would have to dress up in the 'official' servants' robes of Camelot again. It seemed that Arthur enjoyed making Merlin look a fool. With his 'special' powers that no one other than Gaius (And Lancelot) knew about he already felt enough of a freak without the feather hat.

"There you are" Arthur grumbled. He stood at the door with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. He looked like a wife awaiting her drunken husband's return from the pub. "I was this close to coming to fetch you again."

"Sorry, sire" Merlin said swallowing his pride and putting down the objects he had been carrying. "Gaius had me out first thing this morning collecting herbs."

"And you only just got back?" Arthur questioned, eyebrow raised.

"No, then I got your message saying that you needed me to fetch a clean tunic, a bucket of water and a mop," Merlin replied.

He looked at the private dining area in the next room.

"Had a party with the other knights last night did you?" he asked.

Arthur stared at him.

Merlin added quickly, "Sire."

Arthur walked over to inspect the tunic. There was nothing wrong with it. It was spotless. He often wondered how Merlin managed to do all the work that he did without cutting corners. He managed to clean his armour, have his washing done, sheer his sword, pick up his meals and tend to the horses all in one day. On top of that he was also Gaius's dogsbody, so he was constantly taking people's prescriptions and gathering things for the medicines.

It had got to a point where Arthur liked to give Merlin more work than needed to be done just to see if he managed to do it, and oddly enough he always did.

Merlin felt a little smug. It was frustrating having no one his own age to talk to about his powers, but it was worth it just to see Arthur's face when he presented him with brightly poshed armour that would have taken the average servant all night to clean.

"Is everything alright, sire?" Merlin said, biting his lips to avoid a smirk.

Arthur looked at him, "The buttons need more of a polish next time."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Yes, sire. I'll remember that."

He began to clear away the dining table. Arthur looked down at the objects laid out on the table. It was then he noticed the sealed letter. He picked it up and turned to Merlin, "What's this?"

Merlin popped his head around the door, "I don't know. One of the page boys gave it to me. He said to give it to you."

Without another thought Arthur opened the letter.

"Who is it from? It has no name on it."

"I don't know, he didn't say."

Arthur was used to getting letters from women of the court telling him how wonderful they thought he was. They always went on about how strong, witty and brave he was. Every girl in the kingdom wanted him. He was the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom so it was only to be expected.

He read the letter to himself. It was certainly more forward than most letters he received. As a matter of fact there was a great degree of honesty in the letter, as if repressed feelings had been unleashed. More oddly it wasn't from anyone he could think of, certainly not Morgana. That was actually a relief to Arthur.

After reading through it a second time he walked into the dining room where Merlin was cleaning and began to read out loud.

"Listen to this," he said and recited a passage from the letter. "I feel safer putting my feelings to paper. I'm worried what you would think if I said it to you face. Every part of me aches every time I see you smile and that makes me feel all the lighter. It would be an understatement to say that you are the sweetest individual I know.

Merlin gave a small snort of laughter. The idea of Arthur being 'sweet' was hilarious.

"I knew it" Arthur said laughing as well. "You wrote it."

Merlin stopped laughing straight away.

"What?"

"You wrote this as a joke, didn't you?"

"No!"

"I understand" Arthur said, folding the letter up again. "You wanted to get me back for forcing you to wear that silly hat. It's very funny, Merlin."

"I did not write that letter," Merlin protested. "I wouldn't write something like that as a joke."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. Whether it was a joke or not, whether it was from Merlin or some girl he saw a chance to have a laugh with Merlin over this.

"You mean" he said, trying not to laugh, "You are serious about what you said in this letter."

"Y-no," Merlin squalked. "I told you I didn't write that letter. It was given to be by one of the page boys to give to you."

"A likely story," Arthur said with a smirk. "I have to tell you Merlin this doesn't come as a surprise to me. After all I am pretty fantastic. I understand if you worship me enough to write," he cleared his throat in amusement, "a love letter."

The servant reached boiling point. "I didn't write it!"

"Alright, alright, who did?"

"I don't know" the servant stated for the last time. "I asked but the page boy didn't say. He just said that a handmaiden told him to pass it on."

Arthur unfolded the letter again, laid it out on the table and looked at it.

"Doesn't it have a name on it?" Merlin asked. "You know, on the inside?"

"No, they just refer to themselves as 'An Admirer'" Arthur muttered.

He picked up the letter and handed it to Merlin.

"Read it."

Merlin obeyed. It was a short letter and it only took him a minute to reach it through. He thought the content of the letter was clearly written by someone nursing a serious crush. He'd go as far as to say the person was infatuated. There were times in the passage where he wondered whether the letter-writer was talking about Arthur.

When he finished he handed it back to Arthur.

"What did you find so funny before?" the prince asked.

Merlin shrugged. "What did I find funny, when?"

"When I read out that bit of the letter to you, what did you find so funny?"

The servant bit his bottom lip.

"Tell me!"

"Oh, um, the 'sweet' thing," Merlin confessed. "I-it's just I wouldn't describe you as sweet-"

"I'd be worried if you did!" Arthur joked.

"I just thought it was funny," he admitted.

He then smiled, "Love is blind, eh?"

Arthur raised an eyebrow at him.

"Are you calling me ugly now?"

Merlin quickly looked back to the letter, not wanting to get into yet another argument.

"I think it's very… moving," Merlin said. "I mean you can tell the person who wrote it is obviously infatuated. If someone wrote something like this to me I'd be very flattered."

"I can tell you haven't received many love letters in your time, have you?"

Merlin shook his head. "No, never. The girls in my village avoided me because they thought I was weird."

"I can't imagine why" Arthur said sarcastically.

You have no idea, Merlin thought. "I just think it must be a wonderful think to find out that somebody loves you."

Arthur looked at him. "Yes, I suppose it would be."

"The person who wrote this is obviously smitten," he said. "She writes 'I love you' several times."

"And you don't think it's a tad…" Arthur began, twirling his hand as he tried to find the right word, "…desperate."

"Nah," Merlin said. "I think it's cute."

There was a long pause. Arthur pondered over the letter while Merlin stood swinging the broom between his fingers. Finally their eyes met.

"Merlin" said Arthur.

"Hmm"

"The table"

"Oh," Merlin said looking at the dirty table covered with left over food and wine. "Right, sorry."

Later that day Merlin was running two errands on one route; he was bringing Arthur a jug of wine for he and his good friend Kay while taking some medicine to Morgana for Gaius. He jogged up the stairs and knocked from the outside, remembering the first time he had brought her a prescription and ended up being mistaken for Gwen... as the lady was taking her clothes off.

"Come in," called a voice.

Merlin went in and found Morgana sitting in front of the mirror brushing her hair. She smiled when she saw him. "Oh, Merlin, what brings you here? Are you here to see Gwen?"

He sighed; ever since they had saved Gwen from being burned as a witch Morgana had firmly believed that his choice to sacrifice himself for her was because he was in love with her. It was a little frustrating, especially since he had never really thought of Gwen that way.

He smiled shyly. "No, no, I was sent by Gaius to give you this."

Morgana took the bottle and smiled, "Thank you, Merlin."

He nodded awkwardly before making his way to the door. "Bye then."

"Merlin, wait a second," Morgana called to him. "Can I just ask you something?"

Merlin turned on his heel, smiled and bowed politely. "Yes, certainly, milady."

"I know you feel awkward when I talk to you about Gwen--"

"No, no, I don't feel awkward."

"You do. I mean there is nothing to be shy about," she said soothingly. "Everyone falls in love, and I think you should tell Gwen how you feel."

Merlin began to try and explain that he was not in love with Gwen and that they were just friends but Morgana went on.

"I mean you'd be very lucky to have someone like Gwen," she said. "And Gwen would be very lucky to have you."

Merlin stopped, suddenly feeling very flattered.

"Really?"

Morgana smiled. "Yes, you may not realise this but you're quite a catch. You have integrity and bravery in your heart. That makes you a very nice catch for lots of girls."

He chuckled modestly. "Well, I wouldn't say I'm that brave…"

"Don't be silly," she said, almost flirting. "Remember that I saw what you did for Gwen. You offered to give up your life for her."

Merlin almost said that it was not so much bravery as it was guilt at letting Gwen die for something he had done. But then he remembered that Morgana didn't know about his powers. Nobody did. So instead he cleared his throat and restored himself to his polite "servant's" pose.

"You know," he finally said. "You don't have to flatter me, milady."

"I wasn't flattering you" she said with a smile. "I'm serious when I say what I say."

"Oh," he said, scratching the back of his head, not knowing what to say. "Thank you."

Elsewhere at that very moment Arthur was on his way to try and find Merlin, who had gone walk about and was once again taking longer than he should be in finishing his tasks. But this was just a cover reason. He told himself he was going to find Merlin and even let himself plot new, inventive ways to make Merlin look like a fool. In reality Merlin was his excuse.

Going down the stairs and towards the northwest wing of the castle where Gaius's quarters were, Arthur came to the place where the loose stone decribed in the letter was. He stopped and pulled it out. He checked around to make sure no one was watching before he took a note from his pocket and placed it carefully inside.

Then, quickly replacing the loose brick, he made his way in the direction of Gaius's home to find out where Merlin was.

Back in Morgana's chambers, the lady continued to assure Merlin.

"You know," Morgana told Merlin. "I know that you don't pine or need flattery like some men do."

Merlin smiled; he knew she was talking about Arthur.

"He's not that bad, really" he told her.

"No," Morgana said nodding. They were both clearly on an understanding that it was Arthur they were talking about. "I know he's not. He's not like you, of course. He's not completely... selfless and sweet. And kind. But you're right, he isn't completely big headed. I hope you don't mind my telling you this."

Merlin shook his head, "No not at all."

Truth was he thought she was being a bit harsh on him. He suspected that it was Gwen who normally had to listen to these conversations about Arthur and Morgana trying to convince herself that she absolutely did not like Arthur. He wondered how she would react if she knew about Arthur's secret love letter from a secret lady. It was obviously not from her. Would she be upset? Would she even be bothered? At times Merlin thought that like his feelings for Gwen, Morgana's feelings for Arthur were entirely misplaced. Both were accused of liking people that they liked, just not in that way.

Merlin decided it was time to make an excuse and leave. However Morgana spoke again.

"Merlin, can I tell you something without you getting jealous?"

He gave her a sceptical smile.

"Jealous? I'm sure I won't."

Morgana leaned closer to him with an almost comprisal smile on her face.

"Between you and me, Merlin, I've been having this strange dream all week. It's about the future, maybe eight or ten years into the future. I think it must have been Arthur's coronation because the court was glittering. You were wearing fine green robes. But that's not what I wanted to tell you. Guess who Arthur's queen was!"

Merlin pretended to ponder for a moment before answering, assuming his assumption would be the correct one. He couldn't think why he would tell her if it wasn't so.

"Um, you?"

He remembered his third night in Camelot when he had saved Arthur and become his servant. Gwen had mentioned that she and everyone at court believed Morgana to be the queen-in-waiting of Camelot. Admittedly Merlin had been a little surprised and ridiculously disappointed by that.

But Morgana pulled a face. "God, no! Why does everyone keep thinking that?"

"Who was it?"

She smiled and chuckled. "Gwen."

Merlin's eyes widened. He almost burst out laughing but instead it came out in an amused squeak.

"What, Gwen was the queen in your dream?"

His surprise may have conveyed the wrong impression to Morgana. She was no doubt telling him this story to see his reaction as if the dream was even real. She wanted to see whether it bothered him or not, the idea of Gwen being with someone else. Arthur, of all people!

"Yes," Morgana said. "I hope you don't mind my telling you about the dream."

"Oh no," Merlin said shaking his head. "No, it's an interesting dream."

Morgana nodded. "Don't worry, it's just a dream."

"Queen Guinevere," he said to himself. He looked at Morgana, "It does have a ring to it."

At that moment Arthur strode into the room to find his manservant and Morgana laughing, unbeknownst to him at his expense. He stood with an irritated look on his face. To see his foster sister and manservant together, giggling was like being confronted with the most annoying thing possible because it involved the two most annoying people he knew. When Merlin saw him he quickly cleared his throat and tried to explain himself.

"I was bringing your wine but I promised Gaius I'd do a few deliveries..."

"Oh yes?" Arthur said with his most nasal voice. He looked at Merlin, "When I said 'Quickly fetch a flagon of wine for Sir Kay and myself' I meant quickly."

"Yes, sorry" Merlin said, picking up the flagon that he had almost forgotten about.

Arthur looked at it and then at Merlin, "Hurry back with it." He looked at Morgana and nodded in what he thought was a respectable manner, "Morgana."

"Arthur" she said, trying to conceal a smile.

As Arthur left Merlin took a deep breath and shook his head. He turned to Morgana and bowed his head politely before heading off back towards Arthur's quarters. On the way he thought of the idea of Gwen being a queen. It was the sort of thing that would only work in a dream. That was a place where fairytale could happen. Right now the two friends clearly thought Arthur was far too fickle to fall in love with a servant girl.

"The prince and the handmaiden," he said to himself. "I don't know if I see it yet."

On Friday afternoon Gwen was walking her home to Morgana's chambers. In order to do that she had to pass through the northwest wing of the castle. Her heart thumping in her chest she made her way to the back entrance of the castle and pulled out the loose stone in the wall…

Inside there was a message left for her.

She quickly pulled it out, tore it open and read. As she did she smiled.

It was written in a very delicate, educated hand that not many would associate with a manservant. And it was full of very moving, original (if not slightly awkward) phrases not many would associate with the real writer.