.:. Chapter One .:.

The weather was beautiful. I can't believe it's almost summer, people are already stripping on the streets. Its not that cold anymore, so people don't smell like cold sweat and cigarettes, and its not hot enough to smell the dog pee in the corners and the…cigarettes.

The sky was blue, bluer then the ocean, and the air was actually cl-

"Do you think I have to much facial hair?"

"Give me a minute, you're killing my buzz" I stopped and took a deep breath while Jacob hummed under his breath.

"No, you just shaved" he shook his head.

"I mean in general do I have to much facial hair" we passed by Mark's bakery. The smell of hot gooey chocolate balls wafted through the door. Yes I know, I should be so sitting there right now, chewing in bliss, but I had a mission!

I ignored Jake and walked ahead of him.

"Come on Bells! I just met Kevin, you know…that guy who prints down with the abortion tee shirts, and then does demonstrations in front of the elderly home? Yeah him…ohmygosh! He is theee cutest thing ever! And I need to know, I don't want to gross him out with my hairiness!"

"Jake, how did you meet this guy? You do realize, that one you reach 60...your menstrual cycle finishes, so why the hell is he walking around with an abortion sign out of a seniors home? let the bald and the grey have there sex in peace"

"It's the thought that counts, and Kevin is perfectly sane, he even gave me a free down with abortion tee!"

Eye rolling time.

Jacob is a mislead character, he's sweet and charming…but sadly, he always picks the 'rebels'

Or the guy who sorts my mail. Let's just say, after I walked in on them one morning, happily sipping my latte, I make Emmett, the ogre next door, to get my mail every morning.

And he doesn't mind, he gets to do a quickie with Rosalie inside the wheelchair washroom, she's the hot slut who works day and night on 22nd avenue. A match made in heaven. Emmett told me over a spongebob rerun that they were planning on moving to Timbuktu, and opening a cozy little shop that specializes in porno videos called; Rosalie and Emmett's pornos.

Did I mention that they were going star in all the videos?

Beautiful.

But whatever makes you happy!

Back to the subject.

"You're head over heels over 'Kevin' because he gave you a T-shirt! Are you shitting me?"

"Watch your mouth, you little pirate. It's not good form for a woman"

"Oh I forgot, you're a woman too…sorry for being all manly on you"

"Isabella Marie Swan, Do not use this tone with me! I am taking that to the grave…and to think, I was just about to invite you to the gay pride parade!"

"Wait a second, is Kevin even gay?"

"My intuition, it's telling me that he is on the gaydar"

"You thought Edward Masen was gay yesterday."

"Oh my…oh my, my, my, my, my Edward Mas-

"Jacob, do you see her?"

"who, who!?"

"Jessica Stanley, with her two kids…I'm going in"

"You gettem killer"

She was walking to her car, wearing an over sized sun hat and Dolce glasses. Doesn't she realize that her kids were in the paper last week for looking cute in there dresses?

Whatever, as long as I get the picture.

Here's a lesson in photography, her car was an inconspicuous SUV, definition of sports momma, it was parked in the corner of the lot. There was a patch of crass beside it, and the back entrance to Roosevelt Field Mall. I ducked behind dumpsters and trashed up Chevy's

The point is to be lethal, sneaky and quiet. I had those three down pat.

"Okay Jake, few more steps and I got the shot, she's out back of RFM"

Yeah, I even have Paparazzi lingo, tell me your oh so impressed and tempted to bow down on your knees? That's me, queen of the dictionary overthrowers.

"Ha ha, thanks for the tip Doll, Catcha later"

Mike.

Gahh!

The stupid ass cruncher broke into my signal!

I needed to get the picture first!

I felt a shove, I smashed into a Bentley.

I felt rather then saw Mike spit on my foot.

"Too bad girly, looks like I got the picture this time!"

Mike Newton, the definition of repugnant, revolting, repulsive, deformed, foul, greedy, selfish, meanie.

A.K.A. one of the most famous Paparazzi photographers, he's been on the wall of shame downtown 6 years running, until I came into the picture, so now, for the past 3 years…it's my picture up there.

But if this keeps happening…not for long.

I elbowed him, straight in the balls, I guess being short does have its perks…scratch that.

He shoved me again, this time into a Stanza.

Stupid, pudgy, wannabe.

I kicked his ass, literally. He fell forward.

Snorting like the fat pig he is.

His face was pink and oily on the sidewalk.

And the winner is…BELLA! WHOOOO!

I ran ahead of him, to Stanley's car. I got about 14 good shots till she picked up her cell, with angry eye brows. Then I ran the hell out of there.

Another major rule in the life of deceitness, is to never EVER get caught. Then its straight into those unflattering orange uniforms.

I mean, what happened to black and white? Stripes may not be good for my waste line, but they are way more trendy, and the hat is adorable!

I was running like a maniac, the usual stares and 'she's one heck of a weirdo' looks from monotonous bystander, with there cozy jobs at wall street and their, quaint starbuck wannabe coffee shops.

At least I'm doing something good for the world!

Kinda.

"Yo Killer!"

I flipped around…and smashed into a sweating, giant, blob.

Then just as quickly fell on the ground.

Snort "I'll" snort "get you" snort, "Next" hysterical coughing.

"Time Swan, yeah got it. Believe me Newton, if you were going to be beating me, it would have been a long time ago, but sorry gramps, Your not on the wall anymore, and ah…oh! I am. Your career as the champ is over Mike, there's a new girl in town."

-sneeze-

Ugh, mucus…yellowish green, all over the walk.

My beeper…beeped.

Yes I have a beeper, don't comment on that…at least I don't have an iPhone, the definition of…everyone.

Oh shit, I'm late! With my meeting with…Carlisle.

Shoot me.

Thanks for reading! THERE WILL BE SOME EDWARD NEXT CHATER! Whenever I'll update that.

-:-Sky-:-