The computer blinked once, eerie blue light shining in the room. Of course, the resident of the room was fast asleep, but that didn't stop the message from getting through. After several seconds, the message opened itself and the text began rolling down the screen.

Operation: Briefing.

Time: 17:08

To: All undercover Agents in action

From: Agent Frickin' Genius
Content: Dear agents

Text:
Enemies of the Cullens, BEWARE!: Watch out Jess! is finally in action. All Agents on active duty shall be noted.

Head Agent Mastermind, code-named Alice apologises for the tardiness and appreciates all of your contributions which fuelled the blueprints of this plan. Of course, Agent Mastermind will introduce all of you into her evil plans soon to take down the rest of the world, I mean, Forks. I mean- oh, forget it.

Agent Frickin' Genius wishes to state that she claims no ownership over the Book Twilight at all.

As for mental exercise, each and everyone one of you are required to match up the Agent to their code names.

For example, all of you already know that Agent Mastermind is code-named Alice. Therefore please type:

Alice: Agent Mastermind

Agent Frickin' Genius, over and out.

For the four of these people who got a message, another one followed almost immediately.

From: Agent Mastermind
To: Agent Frickin' Genius
CC: Agent BellaHermione, Agent Twilightfan1178, Agent Sofia24, Agent Ice Devil's Heart

These agents have been chosen for participation in the plan. They have displayed great promise and talent in the field of plotting and revenge.

I look forward to their aid in the plan.

To prevent confusion, Agents will be called by their assumed code-names, followed by a number.

Agent BellaHermione: Jennie 1.

Agent Twilightfan1178: Lindsay 2.

Agent Sofia24: Sophia 3.
Agent Ice Devil's Heart: Samantha 4.

It is essential that the Agents remember their code-names and number to ensure rapid response.

Congratulations.

Agent Mastermind, over and out.

TL;DR: Match code names up to character names.

Prize: If you have applied to be in the nefarious plots of Alice, then you'll get placed on priority list, and I'll PM you when you're featured.

Deal?

I'll make it easy for you: I get tired of typing Agent this and Agent that. So I'm pretty much giving out the answers… Featured guests don't need to be included.

Operation: Move out!
Perspective: Narrator, Agent Frickin' genius.

Time Jump: Sunday night.

Jessica Stanley was having a lovely dream. In her dream, she was calmly walking down a wedding aisle while Bella was gnashing her teeth in jealousy. She laughed- beautiful; poised, at the misfortunate girl and continued on, guided by her father into the arms of-

Outside her dream, she sighed.

Edward Cullen!

Her eyes widened as she suddenly felt more than cold- maybe her blankets had fallen off the bed? She felt herself trapped in a pair of cold arms and she turned around to investigate, only to stare straight into the topaz-coloured eyes of...

'Jessica… my love,' the bronzed-hair Adonis whispered. 'I want you.'

Then Edward Cullen disappeared, his sudden absence leaving Jessica falling back on her pillows.

'Ohmygoshohmygoshohemgee! Edward Cullen so wants me!' she squealed in all her teenage glory. Through the thin walls of her room, she heard several "shut up"s and "go back to sleep"s. But no matter.

Edward Cullen loved her!

She could die happy.

In the shrubbery underneath Jessica Stanley's window, Agent Steroids snickered. Agent Emoface snickered. The Mastermind grinned evilly. Agent Fallalot made a sad face as her Agent Double-o-prude swooped out of the window and locked her into his embrace.

'So, Agent Double-o-prude,' Agent Steroids grinned. Alice and her creative genius… 'How did it feel, professing your love for someone other than, gasp, Bella?'

Edward winced.

'To be honest, Emmett? … I mean Agent Steroids.' He paused, struggling to find the right word. 'I feel dirty.'

Charlie Swan was an extremely light sleeper. He was grateful for this when Bella acquired her new boyfriend- Edward Cullen- damn that boy. There'd be no sneaking through the house when he was here!

Never in his dreams would Charlie imagine that his delightful, innocent Bella was currently making her first successful B&E while he dozed on.

'Agent Pixiewiggle,' she whined, contemplating throwing a fit in the middle of the operation. 'Do we have to do thi-'

Alice shot her a look filled with enough venom to turn dust into vampires, and wordlessly held out a sack.

'Get all of the pillows, unbreakable, fabric stuff, Agent Fallalot. And no more arguing. Agent Steroids, you get the sofa and the TV cabinet. Agent Double-o-prude, the TV, the fridge and dismantle the refrigerator.'

After barking out the orders at almost vampire speed, Alice, or Agent Pixiewiggle, sped off upstairs, holding a very scary-looking needle full of sleep serum, whisper-shouting out orders as she ran up the stairs.

'Agent Barbie, up here. We're getting the beds with Agent Emoface.'

What the hell were the Cullens doing?

Operation: Teamwork

Location: Cullen Mansion, living room, couch.

Perspective: Bella.

Time: Withheld information, but somewhere near midnight.

'Alice, you might not know this, but humans need sleep,' I moaned, clinging onto Edward for all he was worth. 'And this particular human really needs sleep.'

Edward ruffled my hair, mussing it up and transforming it from a mere bird's nest into mad scientist-esque.

'Alice is rather preoccupied with some guests at the moment.' He paused, topaz eyes straying to the front door. 'Some… nocturnal visitors.'

I sat up straight immediately. My experiences with vampires other than the Cullens had been… life-threatening to at best. Edward chuckled and shook his head.

'Don't worry about it, Fallalot. They're from the Denali clan.'

I shrugged and tried to relax. If they tried to chomp my neck or something Edward would fend them off. For now, I just settled for some much needed sleep…

Operation: Integration

Location: Cullen Mansion, Living room.

Perspective: Alice, Agent Mastermind.

'Double-o-Prude, wake Fallalot up. There is no time for mindless activities now!' I screeched, shaking my head at the Agent's lack of dedication. Double-o-prude complied immediately and soon Fallalot was ready for action.

'Team Cullen, you might have noticed that we have some fine additions to our unit today,' I nodded appreciatively at the four Denali agents. They smiled back. 'If we had met under more controlled and less urgent circumstances, I might've introduced them formally.' My eyes darkened as my thoughts turned towards a certain human female.

'But now we are at war! To carry out my evil, yet awesome plan, our single large unit shall dissolve.'

I noticed looks of trepidation on the faces of my Agents and sighed.

'We'll be working in units of two. Fallalot and Double-o-prude, Team Virgin.' I noticed the indignant look on Double-o-prude's face and rolled my eyes.

Just saying it as it is, Edward.

'Barbie and Steroids, Team Deviants.' Before I even finished speaking, the two started liplocking. How unprofessional.

'Team Evil will consist of Emoface and I. Team Minion shall be made up of our lovely Jennie 1 and Lindsay 2. Team Scouters will be Sophia 3 and Samantha 4.'

I produced the mission cards- five bright fluorescent cards covered with text. I flipped them over so no one could see anything and did a quick shuffle for good measure.

'Okay teams, pick a card,' I fanned them out and shoved them in Bella's face. She quickly chose to orange one, and her face crumpled up.

'Alice, you cannot be serious.'

'Deadly serious, Fallalot. Now go and achieve your objectives like a good little Agent.' I handed her a black bag of tricks she would need and focused on the other teams.

Lying around waiting wasn't really my thing, and there was still so much to plan before the sun rose…

Team: Virgin
Agents: Fallalot & Double-o-prude
Location: Outside Mike Newton's house

Mission objective: Kidnap Mike Newton.
Perspective: Agent Fallalot, aka Bella.

Card: Orange.

'I thought maybe could leave Mike Newton alone, y'know. He's been more quiet since the whole plan we threw at him last time.'

Edward just shook his head at me and continued staring up at Mike Newton's window.

'One thing you need to know about Alice, love, is that she is utterly merciless when it comes to getting revenge,' he rolled his eyes. 'She will stop at nothing to get her satisfaction. No vampires are lazy enough. No plots are evil enough.'

Yep, I understood that much. To think that one day she'd be my (shudder) sister-in-law!

God help me.

I looked down at the card again, thumb repeatedly flicking over the sharp edge of the card.

Card: Orange
Difficulty level: 2

Objective: Kidnap Mike Newton.

Mission steps:
1. Go to Mike Newton's house, located at address censored

'This map is pretty confusing,' I stared at the miniscule drawing that Alice had no doubt inserted as an afterthought. It made absolutely no sense. In fact, it actually looked like a diagram of the Carbon Cycle.

'No need to fear, m'lady. I can smell Newton's foul stench all the way from here.' Edward lowered his back and I sighed.

'Well, if you insist…'

2. Leap up to his window (windowsill white with red paint splattered on it) and use the sleeping glass (black metal in bag). Make sure he inhales 21 times.

'I am not leaving you out here on your own at night, love.' Edward rolled his eyes at me.

'You aren't suggesting that I scramble up the drain pipe to his window, are you?' I eyed the pipe a little warily. It was a miserable thing with flaking grey paint and rust everywhere. It'd barely support a squirrel, let alone me.

'Of course not Bella,' he winked at me and started slowly approaching me. My eyes widened in horror- he was not going to do what I think he was going to d-

In a swift fluid motion, Edward slung me onto his back and leapt into Mike Newton's room. I hissed in surprise- it's not everyday your vampire boyfriend decides to leap into another boy's bedroom with you on his back.

'Edward! I could've gotten killed!'

'Did you ever think for a second that I'd let that happen?' Edward raised an eyebrow disbelievingly. He had a point there.

Shrugging, I dug through the black bag (how much stuff was in that thing?!) and tossed a nondescript black canister at his head. Hah, see how he liked near-death experiences now! Without even blinking, he caught it and began using it.

Damn vampire reflexes.

3. Leap out of the window with Newton.

'How're you proposing we do this step?'

'Leap out with Newton first and dump him on the ground, leaving foxes to devour his body.' I wrinkled my nose at the suggestion. 'Then leap out with you.'

I groaned.

to Jessica's house.

'Are you sure that no one will see you carrying an unconscious person over your shoulder and wonder?'

'Bella, it's past midnight.'

…Oh.

5. Administer sleeping gas. [Inhale 7 times]

'How long does it take for the girl to breathe?!'

'Edward, patience.'

6. Deposit Mike Newton onto the ground next to Jessica Stanley.

'You didn't have to just drop him y'know. He's a fragile human after all.'

'I assure you Bella, it was entirely necessary.'

7. Wrap their arms around each other in a suggestive pose.

'I'm pretty sure that I draw the line somewhere around here. They were my friends and everything.'

'No lines dare to come within 10 kilometers of Alice.'

'… True, that.'

8. Rip up their clothes a little.

'Why do I feel turned on watching my boyfriend tear another girl's clothes apart?!'

'Bella, easy on the graphic mental images. How do you think I feel?'

9. Take cans of beer and open them. Drip contents in the room and shove a few anywhere.

'How can a human drink this? It smells disgusting.'

'Edward, you drink blood. Beer is mild in comparison.'

10. Take pictures.

'It's a Kodak moment, let me go and get my camera~' I sang softly under my breath and grinned, snapping pictures and closeups of Mike and Jess.

11. Report back to HQ.

Edward and I stood back to admire our handiwork. Adopting a posh British Accent, I began to tease them.

'I must say, old chap, that your prowess with arranging teenagers leaves nothing to be desired.'

Edward looked at me with a bemused expression. 'Carlisle would love the accent,' I grinned back at him and yawned- something that wasn't lost on Edward. He pulled me into a hug and leapt out of the window with me in one arm.

'Bed time for the human.'

Team: Deviants
Agents: Barbie & Steroids
Location: Cullen Mansion, study, in front of a supersized computer and a small army of laptops.

Mission objective: Use evidence to compose a long and lengthy email to her friends. Forward it to the universities listed.

Card: Red
Perspective: Agent Barbie

'Jeez, this is pretty much grunt work,' I complained, staring at the masses and masses of CDs and paper. 'What the heck are we supposed to do with all of this crap?'

Emmett shrugged and waved a red card at me, which I quickly snatched and read, disbelief settling in with every line I absorbed.

'Damn,' I heard Emmett mutter as he rustled the papers. 'Alice is one determined pixie.'

Card: Red
Difficulty level: 4

Objective: Wreck Jess' social / academic life.

Mission steps:

1. Take out all the CDs and papers.

Emmett simply lifted the black bag and held it upside down, shaking it occasionally. A torrent of CDs and papers rained down.

I grinned.

'Check,' he grunted.

2. Divide the CDs and papers into 2 piles. One team member takes CDs, the other takes papers.

Elegantly moving to the middle of the room, I swept all the CDs to one corner and all the papers to another with a gentle tap of my Jimmy Choos.

I think I cracked a CD case, but whatever. How dare Alice reduce me to grunt work!

'SHOTGUN THE CDS.'

'No, Emmett,' I pouted at him, putting on the unhappy puppy-dog eyes. 'You're the law student. You're used to stupid papers.' I pouted some more until he gave in and sat near the mountain of papers. He groaned.

'Love letter. Great.'

I smirked to myself.

'Check.'

3. Divide the items into two categories: Incriminating evidence of friends/family and incriminating evidence of anything related to school.

'Jesus, how did Alice get all of these?'

'Emmett, we raided her house less than 20 minutes ago.'

'Wait a sec, how did Alice get hold of all these IM conversations?'

'Rose, Emoface is Bill Gates in disguise.'

4. Read everything in the friends/family pile.

'Are you freaking joking?! Do you know how much shit that girl has in the friends and family pile? It's higher than Mount Everest. And Mount Everest is high. We climbed it.'

'And you caused that avalanche by throwing a rock at Edward.'

'Yeah, stupid Edward. Why did he have to move out of the way?'

5. Compose an email and send to contacts listed, using the revenge format that all of you know.

'The revenge format?'

I impatiently tapped the general outline into the word processor. Emmett peered over my shoulder.

'Oh, that revenge format.'

Paragraph 1: Over the (time), (name) has been a very good (something) to us all. But recently, we have discovered a treasure trove of information that might make us consider otherwise…

Paragraph 2: Close friends & family s/he has harmed, with evidence

Paragraph 3: Embarrassing views on people with power

Paragraph 4: Incriminating evidence

Paragraph 5: I have always thought that (name) has been a good (title). However, now I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel that his/her actions were uncalled for, such as the (insert worst wrongdoings).

'Ehm… Rose?'

'Emmett, shush. Start typing in the contacts, I'll send it to you after I finish typing,' my fingers flew across the keyboard rapidly. We'd probably have to replace it later with the speed I was typing it.

'There are a lot of people in our year, you know that?'

'Yep, I know. Now start typing.'

'You're merciless, Rose. Merciless.'

'You married me anyway.'

6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 for the school pile and compose email (revenge format). Send to university registrars listed, to the teachers and to the Headmaster's inbox as well. For good measure, forward to friends.

'OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN'T TYPE DOWN THE EMAIL ADDRESSES AND SAVE THEM!'

'Idiot, reopen the email and copy the addresses from the send function.'

'But Rose, I deleted it.'

'Why on earth did you do that?'

'Then good luck re-typing, husband dear.'

'GRAAAH!'

7. Use mass texting method to tell everyone to check their email.

'I never want to type… another word again…'

I shrugged. Typing wasn't all that bad. I texted a 'chk ur inbx ppl' and hit 'send all', a handy little function Jasper had devised. Now, why couldn't he do that for the emails?

8. Report to HQ.

'I… hate…. Alice…'

Team: Evil
Agents: Mastermind & Emoface.
Location: Cullen HQ

Card: Yellow

Perspective: Alice

--

'Yellow, yellow yellow, the best of all the colours,' I sang happily, clutching my yellow card. (In your face, you others! I got yellow!)

'Alice? Are you… okay?' Jasper cowered behind the coffee table. I frowned. We had an operation to run! There was no time to cower behind coffee tables.

'I'm perfectly dandy, Jasper dear. Onwards to the prison!'

'We're taking over the police station? Alice, I usually go along but this is…'

'High school, prison. Same thing, really.'

Card: Yellow
Difficulty level: 1

Objective: Wreck Jess' academic records and mess with her locker

Mission steps:

1. Go to Forks High School by yellow Porsche

'Any particular reason for the wonderful choice of vehicle?' Jasper was the most wonderful vampy husband anyone could ask for, but his fashion sense was seriously lacking.

'Jazzy, look at me.'

'You're very beautiful.'

I rolled my eyes. The compliment was nice, but that wasn't what I meant.

'I'm wearing yellow. I have yellow shoes. My sunglasses are yellow too.' I beamed at him with all the force of my yellow-ness.

'Plus I was gonna dye my hair yellow as well, but Rose would be jealous.'

2. Storm the school!

'Storm the school. And you plan to do that… how?'

'Shush, Jas. It's all been planned out,' I tapped the side of my head knowingly. Being a psychic had it's perks. I skipped happily into the blind spots of the cameras all the way to the front door.

3. Find Jess' locker and steal everything

'Does this human stuff her entire wardrobe into her locker?' Jasper shook his head as I lifted the entire row of lockers up and shook her stuff out. I was pretty surprised. I mean, even my locker didn't have so many clothes. And lipsticks.

'I'm getting a bit of Marry Poppins-ness here.'

4. Go back to the Cullen HQ with her stuff

'Pedal to the metal, baby!'

Team: Minion
Agents: Jenny 1 & Lindsay 2
Location: Seattle Drugs 'R' Us
Card: Pink

'Why d'you think Alice wanted us to come here?' Agent Jenny 1 twirled a shiny lock of hair around her finger thoughtfully. Several males in the vicinity fainted. 'Forks probably has a drug store as well.'

Lindsay 2 shrugged and tapped her finger on the many boxes and bottles on the shelf.

'Cough drops, cough syrup, bug spray, fly swatters, oh, here they are.' Lindsay 2 smiled as she picked up a familiar pink box 'Condoms!' She picked up another box, grinning happily.

'Birth control!'

Card: Pink
Difficulty level: 3
Objective: Buy all condoms and birth control

'Doneeee!'

Operation: Final strike
Location: Cullen HQ
Perspective: None

The Cullen family were gathered around the dining table, loot spread and divided into neat little piles. For some reason that sanity couldn't comprehend, Alice was holding a cane.

'You four,' she snapped, glaring at Agents 1 to 4. They twitched at her harsh stare and looked away. 'Take these,' Agent Mastermind looked distastefully at the small piles of birth control, 'and put them in Mike and Jess' lockers.'

'Now!'

Operation: Watch out Jess!
Time jump: Monday afternoon
Location: Forks High cafeteria.
Perspective: Bella Swan, Agent Fallalot.

Okay, what we did yesterday was mean. Incredibly mean. But you know what? I feel kind of... proud of myself. But dear God, Jess' face!

It was entirely devoid of the normal make-up she plastered on her face, her hair was a mess, her clothes were at least 5 sizes too big for her and all boring business-like.

I giggled, burying my face In Edward's chest. He dropped a kiss onto my hair.

'You should hear her thoughts, little Agent Fallalot.'

I giggled. 'I'm not sure I want to, Edward,' I looked fondly at Alice as she grinned with malicious delight. 'But props to Alice for the awesome plan!'

Alice heard me and bowed her head graciously in victory. She winked at me, making a little hand gesture that signaled that Jess was coming over.

'Bella you bitch, you've ruined my LIFE,' she screamed at me raising a hand to slap me. I caught it as she tried to hit me, raising an eyebrow.

'I hate you.'

'What a surprise.'

There was a quick crackle of static, followed by a 'Would Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley please report to the Principal's Office now. Thank you.'

Jess glared at me and whispered a venomous 'It's not over, bitch,' and slunk out of the cafeteria. A subdued Mike followed her to the accompaniment to Emmett's catcalls. I grinned. Phase 2 of the plan...

'It's working,' Alice smirked, rubbing her hands together evilly. 'They will paaayyyy!'

'Um, okay then,' I started slowly backing away from Alice, into Edward's arms.

Okay.

Woah.

Hold up there.

If you want to know what happens to them afterwards, give me a good reason to start writing this again. Because right now, I don't have any motivation what so freakin' ever. I've tried to re-read Twilight to try and get myself out of my Twilight-block, but all that it's done is to convince myself that Stephenie Meyer is, as a matter of fact, a terrible writer.

People on fanfiction can write better than her. If you ask why aren't fanfiction people as successful as her, well. They didn't think up Edward, did they?

I started writing this waaaay back, when I still liked Twilight. But... seriously?

The rabid fan girls started putting me off. That was when I realised...

Twilight is a very badly written book. I liked the idea of it but...

If there's anyone out there that wants to take over the story for me, please PM me now.

In the mean time: A little gift to you readers. I've been mulling over this for quite a long time, and I've decided to release the last chapter without actually finishing it.
And this is what pushed me off the brink of having a slight fondness for this poor excuse for a book:

ht tp :// ww w .ge ocit ies .co m/su ed es troy er45 3/tw iligh t . ht ml

I was originally planning to make a sequel to this, which involved the Cullen family and Forks High in a prank competition, with leaving the town forever as the stake, but...
Yeah, not going to happen. Sorry.

Bye.

And of course, I mean no harm towards Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, rabid stalkers of Edward and all the fic-writers & reviewers.

I just think that it might be a little bit better if someone with better writing skills wrote it, and maybe added a touch a reality.

'Cause let's face it people, a sparkly vampire sounds nice, but it just is kind of...

Normal person: So... what are your hobbies?

TwiFanGirl: I like to stalk sparkly vampires and write about them on the internet!

No.

Just no.