Dislaimer: I own nothing. And I suppose you could call this AU, but I'm still pretending Breaking Dawn doesn't exist, so I won't.

Prologue – Closet Lurking is the Last Straw

Wednesday Morning

There was laughing – tittering, teeheeing, giggling, whatever you wanted to call it – coming from the closet in the pantry. The voices belonged to Bella and Carlisle again. I had never in all of our years together heard Carlisle giggle until this past week and it was slightly disconcerting. I would even venture to guess that Carlisle had never before giggled during the whole of his long existence.

I heard him mutter my name as I approached their apparent hiding spot; Bella let out one last stifled laugh and they both fell silent.

I threw open the pantry door to see the pair of them blinking innocently in my direction, Bella worrying her lip between her teeth and Carlisle wearing a small, amused smile.

"What are you two doing in there?" I asked, trying to keep the ridiculous jealousy out of my voice. It was Carlisle, I kept telling myself. If you can't trust Carlisle, you can't trust anyone.

They looked at each other for a fraction of a second, seemingly communicating something. Carlisle's thoughts were strangely blank.

"We were just discussing –" he began.

"Peanut butter and banana sandwiches," Bella finished lamely before glancing furtively at Carlisle out of the corner of her eye.

Carlisle's thoughts chimed in – there was a nervous edge to them, or was I simply imagining it? This is Carlisle, Edward, your father in every important way. There is nothing inappropriate going on. Nothing inappropriate in the slightest.

Peanut butter and banana, he thought – such a strange combination, isn't it? You know, Edward, Elvis Presley favoured that exact type of sandwich….

"Elvis liked peanut butter and banana -- fried," Bella added brightly.

Exactly, Carlisle's thoughts reassured. He smiled warmly at me. I wasn't convinced, however. What in the hell were they up to?

I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice when I replied – it was a vain attempt. I've never had much skill at hiding that particular emotion. "Isn't that interesting."

"Yes, quite," Carlisle agreed, flashing me another warm smile. He was trying to use his bedside manner against me. Me!

I narrowed my eyes. "Well – I didn't realise you were so fascinated with the diets of deceased celebrities, Carlisle," I said sarcastically. "I'll leave you both to your conversation, shall I? As it appears to be both enlightening and hilarious."

Bella's eyes bulged slightly and her heart rate picked up. Carlisle merely bit his lip lightly and seemed to be holding in a laugh. I scanned their faces once more and turned to leave the room. I did not, however, close the pantry door behind me. Lurking about in closets was a bit much, whatever they were doing.

What in God's name were the two of them up to? It wasn't like Carlisle to be so secretive and play silly games like he was doing. Especially with me. What did they feel they needed to hide?

First the shopping in Seattle, when everyone knew Bella detested shopping and avoided it like the plague, whereas Carlisle was simply disinterested unless said shopping involved cars or hospital supplies. Then pretending to be at the hospital and disappearing into thin air for an entire day. Now muttering -- and let's not forget about the giggling – in enclosed spaces? Not to mention the constant barrage of strange looks between them, as well as lip biting, hand signals and almost imperceptible nodding. It was driving me crazy! And they were somehow avoiding both Alice's and my gift in the process! I had to get to the bottom of this – and I intended to use every possible facility I had to do so.

A/N: Silly, I know. :D The next few chapters will flashback to explain what's been going on. Please review and let me know what you think.