Toast
A/N: This is an all dialogue one shot set in the MWPP time. One of three now, I think. James and Sirius, takes place when Sirius is spending one of the summers at James's home. It's after they've turned 17.
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"What're you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Making toast?"
"Then yes, I'm making toast Padfoot."
"But… why?"
"Why do people generally make toast? Because I'm hungry, you twit."
"But… it's 2 in the morning, James."
"I'm quite aware of that."
"Then why are you making toast?"
"Because I'm hungry."
"But it's 2 in the morning."
"Yes Sirius! I know that it is 2 in the bloody morning. I wanted toast."
"Well, James, if you were hungry, why didn't you make something better than toast?"
"What do you mean, better than toast?"
"Like… waffles or something."
"I wanted toast."
"But toast is so… bland and unimaginative."
"In what way is toast unimaginative, Sirius?"
"I dunno. It just is. It's generic, and normal, and totally un-marauder like."
"So my eating toast makes me less of a Marauder?"
"Exactly."
"You suggested waffles."
"Waffles aren't generic."
"Yes they are! Tons of people eat waffles."
"Ah yes, my dear James, but more eat toast."
"I bet you that more people eat waffles."
"Not a chance in hell."
"No, seriously, more people have to! There's tons more variety with waffles!"
"Making it less generic, Prongs?"
"No, it's just as generic. Even though there are varieties, people are still eating waffles."
"But it's not technically a regular, plain waffle. It has… pizzazz."
"…pizzazz?"
"Yes, James, pizzazz. A little something special, a little more flavour."
"And who said I wasn't going to put anything on my toast, Sirius?"
"Who said you were?"
"For your information, I'm not going to eat my toast plain."
"Ah, excellent, what are you going to put on it?"
"Mayonnaise."
"… are you serious?"
"Completely, Padfoot. I like mayonnaise on my toast."
"That's utterly disgusting, James."
"In what way?"
"It's mayonnaise… on plain toast."
"It's good."
"It's sounds disgusting."
"Do you wanna try it?"
"No way."
"C'mon Sirius, live a little. Try the toast."
"No."
"Please?"
"No way."
"Try the damn toast Padfoot!"
"NEVER! I'LL NEVER CONFORM TO YOUR GENERIC WAYS!"
"HOW IS PUTTING MAYONNAISE ON TOAST GENERIC?"
"Back foul demon!"
"I am not a demon, Sirius!"
"Retreat to your stench-filled pit!"
"I do not have a stench-filled pit."
"I see through your clever spoken lies."
"Try the toast."
"It rears its terrible head!"
"Mayonnaise isn't that bad!"
"On toast it is."
"How would you know?"
"I'm not an idiot."
"Fine, if you're not going to partake in my lovely toast, I'll eat it on my own."
"Ewww, James, not in front of me!"
"What?"
"Don't eat that in front of me! It's nauseating."
"Sirius, I am going to eat my toast. You are not going to stop me from eating my toast."
"Incendio!"
"Sirius! That's my toast!"
"You mean that was your toast. Now it's in hell."
"How can my toast go to hell?!"
"I dunno, how could you possibly think about eating toast with mayonnaise on it?"
"BECAUSE IT'S GOOD."
"Pfft, James."
"Great, now I have to make more toast."
"Nay!"
"… nay?"
"I'll not have you making anymore demon toast while I'm alive."
"Toast cannot be demonic, Padfoot."
"This toast can."
"Sirius. It's toast. I really want to eat my-"
"Generic."
"Yes. I really want to eat my generic toast. Now please let me."
"No."
"Why not? For god's sake Sirius, I just want toast!"
"Does Lily know about your bad habit?"
"What bad habit?"
"Eating mayonnaise toast."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't know! I've never discussed my toast preferences with her before!"
"Well maybe that's because you didn't want her to find out your dirty little secret!"
"Sirius! I don't have a dirty little secret."
"Eating mayonnaise on toast counts."
"No it doesn't!"
"Do you think she'll really want to kiss that mouth after she knows what goes into it?"
"Yes."
"I don't."
"And why not?"
"It's disgusting."
"Nope."
"Fine then James, I'll just owl her, and ask her what she thinks about it."
"Don't!"
"Ah ha, so you do know!"
"I just don't want her to think I'm weird."
"You are weird."
"Yes, but I don't want her to know that."
"She already knows that."
"What? How?! Who blabbed?"
"Prongsie-boy… you half stalked the girl…"
"I did not! I just paid as much attention to her as she deserves."
"You stalked her."
'La-la-la, not listening."
"You have your children's names picked out!"
"I think Wilfred and Helga are lovely names."
"I think Lily's going to be picking the names."
"I like Wilfred."
"You also like mayonnaise covered toast."
"Like only speaks to my character."
"It's says you're an utter loser."
"No."
"Who else do you know that eats mayonnaise toast?"
"Um…"
"Can't think of anyone, James?"
"My dad."
"I don't think Mr. Potter munches mayonnaise toast every morning."
"And why not?"
"Because he's not as incredibly weird as you are."
"Hey! I'm not weird."
"And your toast preferences are normal?"
"Not normal per se. It makes me unique."
"Yeah James. You're very special."
"Your sarcasm wounds me."
"I'm sure it cuts deep."
"Oh so very deep."
"Are you crying tears of blood James?"
"Indeed I am. I will never recover from the emotional wounds you have dealt me this fateful evening."
"I'm sure you won't."
"Have you no pity for the wounded, Padfoor? Give me my toast and let me free!"
"No way in hell."
"Free the cripple! Free! Free!"
"You're not a cripple."
"For all you know, I could be, and mayonnaise toast could be the only thing that keeps me alive. You could be denying me my life blood."
"I'll be sorry to see you go, Jamie-boy."
"Give me my toast!"
"No!"
"GIMME!"
"NO!"
"ACCIO!"
"James, I'm telling you, don't eat that – no. No James don't – DON'T EAT THE DAMN TOAST."
"Try it Padfoot! It's good!"
"I will never try that disg- pfff."
"See? Isn't it good?"
"I can't believe you did that!"
"I felt you should try it."
"You didn't have to shove it in my mouth!"
"But it was tasty, right?"
"… no."
"Uh oh, now you're lying!"
"Am not!"
"Tell me Padfoot, what'd you think of the toast?"
"It was alright…"
"Ah ha! So James was right! It's good!"
"I didn't say it was good!"
"But it's alright?"
"I suppose…"
"Then I win. La dee da dee da, James has won."
"Mate, next time you want toast, do it more quietly, I don't want to be involved."
"Ah, but next time I'm making horse radish toast."
"Prongs?"
"Yeah?"
"Kill me now."
A/N: Omfg, I finished something (no matter how short and pointless it is.) Okay, so it's about 3:30 at night here now, and I just made a bagel. Just in case you're wondering why I wrote this. Um… hopefully I'll be getting more chapters of Chat rooms up soon, for anyone who reads that story of mine.
By the way, I don't eat mayonnaise on toast, I don't even like mayonnaise.
Anyway, review and tell me if anyone actually does, and what weird things you know that people eat on their toast.