Chapter One of I Feel it All

Author: Bellakatalina

Rating: PG-13 for now I might change it later.

Summary: Takes place after A Thin Line between Chuck and Nate. The story starts as soon as Blair leaves the bar with Chuck. Blair doesn't runaway she stays and decides to disappear.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl…I wish I did because Chuck and Blair would totally be together right now.

"Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

Breathe Me, Sia

"Let me be more succinct. You held a certain fascination... when you were beautiful, delicate, and untouched. Now... now you're like the Arabian my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore, and I can't see why anyone else would."

The words burned in to her head. Blair was alone in her room; she had no one to turn to for comfort. 'Not that I deserved comfor't, she thought sadly. In one day she had ruined her relationship with her best friend, her minions thought they were too good for her, her quasi boyfriend was disgusted with her, and the one person who truly mattered compared her to his father's smelly horse.

"You held a certain fascination…when you were beautiful"

Blair stared at herself in the mirror reciting the line over and over to herself. She ran her hands over her stomach, hating her body. Her eyes were filled with tears, she hated herself for what she was about to do. It was her only way of finding comfort of keeping some form of control. Blair had to have control over something in her life. Blair finally broke contact with the mirror as she headed to her bathroom.

'I just need to lose a few more pounds. Then I will be beautiful again. Just a few pounds and I can get everything back.' She thought sadly.

When she finished she sat disheartened on the cold tile of her bathroom. If only she could forget today, if only she wouldn't have gone back to Nate everything would be fine. But, Chuck had ruined everything at her Cotillion. So he had butterflies, but Chuck had never had a girlfriend. Blair was too scared to go to Chuck, and Nate finally wanted her back. She and Nate had so much history how could she turn down who seemed to want her so much, especially when she had no idea what Chuck wanted. Well, now she had neither.

"I don't want you anymore, and I can't see why anyone else would"

Blair tears were flowing freely, mascara streaking her cheeks, but locked in her bathroom, Blair could finally give into her emotions. Chuck's words burned her, everyone of her greatest insecurities had just been confirmed. Blair had always feared being alone, not being good enough to keep the ones she loved around. It was so easy for Serena she always shined, but not for Blair. Blair's every insecurity was always in the back of her mind. Blair believed she had to acknowledge her faults, in order to figure out a way to keep them hidden so she wouldn't lose the ones she loved. Lose them because she wasn't the beauty of the group, nor the charismatic one of the group. But, today Blair had failed.

"No one will ever want me again" Blair tearfully said aloud making herself accept the truth.

Xoxo.

Over at the Palace bar Chuck was still sitting alone drinking Scotch. He too was replaying his cruel words over and over in his head. A long legged blonde looked over at Chuck and smiled seductively. His only reply was to turn on the bar stool to the other direction.

"Hi. You looked lonely here by yourself. Why don't I by you a drink" the blond smiled trying to get Chuck's attention.

"Look. I have had enough women throwing themselves at me tonight. Move on, I am not interested." Chuck said barely giving her the time of day. He looked up to see her smile replaced with a frown as she walked away.

'What am I doing? When have I ever turned down hot desperate women'? Chuck thought bitterly as he swirled his glass of Scotch.

'Bitch ruined me. I don't care how broken she was, she broke me first'. But no matter how many times Chuck tried to reassure himself of his actions, he couldn't stop feeling guilty seeing her face in his mind. The hurt in her eyes, because of him. Chuck knew exactly how to get to people, how to hurt them the most. Chuck knew of Blair's most sensitive issues. She was so beautiful, but she never saw herself that way. It had only taken a few words to reaffirm her worst fears.

'So I am not Prince Charming, but why am I her second best? I am Chuck Bass. I will not act this way over Blair Waldorf'. With that last thought Chuck slammed down his Scotch and searched the bar for the leggy blond.

'Maybe this night isn't completely ruined'. Chuck smirked at the blond who was sitting alone at the other side of the bar.

"Allow me to apologize by buying the beautiful lady a drink" Chuck said huskily pushing all thoughts of Blair Waldorf out of his mind.

GG: Well it appears B might not be the only one to rumple her sheets with two people in one week. Of course C has been doing this for years, but we thought he might still be pining away for B…obviously not. Don't worry B, I'm sure he didn't pick a blond intentionally.

Blair snapped her phone shut harshly still collapsed on her bathroom tile.

''I don't want you anymore.' '

'Chuck was being honest, why shouldn't I have believed him? He has always been upfront.'

"Blair, dear," the sound of Eleanor's voice brought Blair out of her turmoil. She stood up and quickly wiped the tear streaks off of her face and attempted to smooth the wrinkles out of her outfit as she walked down the stair to find her mother.

"Blair, darling is something wrong?" Eleanor eyed her daughter only half concerned.

"No, Mother, I am fine." Blair lied easily knowing her mother wouldn't see through her.

"Well, good. I wanted to see if you and Serena could accompany me to an event tomorrow night. I have this wonderful new dress that I think would look perfect on Serena, and I wanted to see if she would wear it for me. It would be such great PR to have Serena van der Woodsen at the gala in my dress."

"Wh-What about me." Blair asked sadness covering her features quickly as her mother picked Serena over her again.

"Oh I didn't forget about you darling, I thought you might treat yourself to a new dress at Bindel's." Eleanor replied not even looking up from her work.

"Serena can't make it Mother, we aren't talking anymore. She is too busy with her low class boyfriend, but I could wear the dress." Blair answered hopefully still wanting her mother to choose her to wear the dress.

"Hmm, no I just don't think it will look quite right on you, Blair. It would have worked so fabulously on Serena, but don't worry about going to the gala. I will figure something else out." Eleanor finished hurriedly.

."But, Moth-"

"Blair, I have other things to worry about right now." She said officially dismissing Blair.

Blair slowly ascended the stairs to the second floor. She stopped into her mother's room briefly. Blair walked into her mother's bathroom searching the medicine cabinet. As she opened the door she saw all the bottle neatly lined up, pain killers, antidepressants, and sleeping pills. This was the Upper East Side, Manhattan's elite need not look any farther than their parent's medicine cabinet to get their fix. Blair eyed the bottle searching for her desired bottle. She fingered the bottle of Ambien, the one that would get her through the night. She walked by the bar and poured herself a glass of Scotch knowing it would burn her throat.

I hope it burns just as badly as he burned me.

She swallowed two of the small pills, washing it down with the Scotch. Blair winced as the alcohol went down her throat. She slipped into her nightgown, and disappeared into her silk sheets. Blair willed herself to fall asleep, so the thoughts would stop lingering in her mind.

'Rode hard and put away wet.'

GG. Spotted S with Lonelyboy holding hands in central park. But where is the former disgraced queen? Can't hide forever B. You know who will be waiting for your next move. Aww B, you know you still love me. XOXO.

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A/N

Okay so this is going to be my first shot at a multiple chapter story. As long as people are interested in it I will keep it up, so let me know what you think. Also, if you have any suggestions let me know and I will see what I can do. I plan on updating this probably every few days, so I hope you enjoy.