Dedicated to the AAFWSS :-)

Arachnids on an ACPB, part 1

XO Kate McGregor didn't hear about the situation until shortly after midday, almost twenty minutes after the whole thing kicked off. She had been on watch during the night, and when she woke up, she had aimed straight for the galley to find some lunch – or a very late breakfast. When she arrived, RO was telling Bomber about the catastrophe in the bridge.

He was speaking very fast and Kate only heard every second word, so after a moment she had to ask.

"RO, what the hell is going on? I heard something about Spider being on the ceiling," she said, brow furrowed. Whatever it was, she thought the CO would be able to handle it, but she should probably check it out anyway.

RO jumped when he realised she was behind him. Then he made a facial expression that was rather close to blushing.

"Uh, ma'am... not Spider. A spider. In the bridge. On the ceiling," he said, looking at Bomber for assistance.

"As of yet, no-one's been able to get rid of it," Bomber added. Kate raised an eyebrow, and the chef shrugged. "I would, you know... but I need to start on lunch."

"Assuming they don't all get eaten before they can eat," RO muttered, and Kate laughed slightly. It was an unusual sound for them to hear her make on board, and when Bomber glanced at her strangely, she laughed harder.

"RO, what sort of spider is it? I don't think they're in any danger, even if it is poisonous," she eventually said, composing herself.

"Umm... how should I know?" he replied blankly. "Didn't you ever see Snakes on a Plane? This is, like, Spiders on a Ship. They could do all sorts of damage if they started crawling into the engines, or worse, the radio."

"Uh, RO? You said one spider. Not a horde of them," Bomber pointed out.

"We've only seen one," RO muttered. "But seriously... it could have laid eggs. Or it might have just hatched, and there's another five million of them running around... Or even both. It just hatched, and then it and each of it's arachnid brethren laid their own eggs. Like I said – Spiders on a ship."

"Bugs on a boat," Bomber muttered, trying to hide a smile. Kate shook her head, deciding to go to the bridge and check things out for herself. RO's smile had finally appeared, as he and Bomber searched for different ways of expressing the situation.

"Critters on a cutter. Beetles on a barge."

"Tarantula on a trip. No, tarantula in a tub!" Bomber shrieked, giggling.

"Insects in the sea?" RO said uncertainly, running out of ideas.

Rolling her eyes, Kate called back, "You know, spider's aren't actually a bug or an insect. They're arachnids," all without her stride faltering.

Neither of them could think of a reply for a moment, but as Kate closed the door behind her, she heard Bomber give one final shout, the words coming out so fast the second part of her sentence sounded like one word.

"Arachnids on an Armidaleclasspatrolboat!"

Kate opened the door to the bridge, and there was an immediate shout.

"Kate! Watch out!" Mike yelled. The crew were divided over the two halves of the bridge, with Mike, ET, and several others over by the EOD, and Spider, Charge and Buffer crouched by the Communications equipment.

On the ceiling above the captain's chair, completely still, was a medium sized spider.

"It's a spider," Kate said, raising an eyebrow at the cowering crew. "Are you telling me none of you are prepared to squish an iddy-biddy insect?"

"They're not insects, you know!" called ET, but Kate ignored him. Charge had something more important to say.

"Well, you see, I was prepared to get a broom or something... but then, none of them –" he gestured around the room. "Thought it was humane to just kill it. So we need to find someone who is prepared to catch it and release it when we get back to port."

Kate skirted around the room to stand next to Mike, unable to shake the feeling that if she walked underneath the arachnid, it would choose that moment to drop down and land in her hair. Even if she didn't mind it sitting silently out of reach, she wasn't keen on the idea of touching it. Or it moving at all.

"I cannot believe not a single one of you is prepared to get rid of a spider..." she muttered. She turned to the other Spider in the room. "It's got your damn name!" she said, making it clear she wanted him to deal with it. He fidgeted a little, before blushing and stammering out his excuse.

"Uh... you see... I'm arachnophobic. And, my local GP says that I shouldn't go near spiders or I could have a panic attack." Kate stared at him. "It's a medical exemption!" he added, and frustrated, she looked at ET, who was leaning back against the EOD. He shrugged.

"I'm fine with it being there... I just think it's best if it doesn't move. I mean... the legs? Eight of them? Not good."

Kate looked at Buffer.

"You know what they say... leave it alone and it'll leave you alone."

"Then get back to work!" she snapped. He licked his lips.

"Uh, yeah... but you see, it's kinda above the helm... so by trying to steer the ship, we'd be disturbing it. So... yeah."

Sucking in a deep breath, Kate finally turned to face Mike. He refused to meet her eyes.

"Sir..." she began, her voice low and dangerous. He glanced at the spider, then at the other crew members, then out the front of the ship, anywhere but at her.

"You have got to be kidding me," she said, stepping forward. Mike snuck in a look at her, and she held her gaze so he couldn't turn away again. There was silence for a minute.

"I have a legitimate reason!" he blurted out suddenly. Kate raised an eyebrow.

"The arachnophobic excuse has already been used," she said.

"Yes, but that was irrational arachnophobia. I have the rational sort, stemming from a bad experience."

"Let's hear it, then," Kate demanded. Mike squirmed under her piercing gaze.

"Umm... I'd rather not, X," he said.

"Sir, this is affecting your work," she said, noticing his attempt to stop her inquiries with rank. "Therefore, it is imperative that you tell us."

Mike sighed, and cast a look towards the door, as if hoping to run, like RO had.

"When I was ten... I had a pet beetle named Buzz. He was a Christmas Beetle, and I didn't know they only lived for a few weeks... and when he died I developed a long lasting fear of all insects."

"Spiders aren't insects!" ET and Kate said at the same time. Mike wasn't listening. Instead, he poked Kate with one finger.

"If it's so damn easy, why don't you get rid of it?"

Her mind racing, Kate quickly tried to find her own excuse. "I don't mind it being there," she said eventually, though that wasn't entirely true. Mike smirked.

"So you won't mind taking the helm and bringing the ship back to port," he said. Kate gulped. She couldn't lose face like this.

"I do mind. I think you all need to work together and do it yourself," she said, and quickly made her own exit. The crew chuckled at the hypocritical revelation, their humour dying when they realised that no-one was steering the ship and the spider was still there.

Ten minutes later, the crew in the bridge were in the same positions. Suddenly, Mike had had enough. He cursed, and slowly made his way around the room towards the internal radio.

"All crew, all crew. There appears to be a rather large spider in the bridge. Anyone who believes they know the origin of this inse– arachnid, or who can get rid of it, or take the ship back to port, please come to the bridge, at the rush."

A few minutes passed. Mike repeated his message. This was embarrassing. Still, no-one arrived. Suddenly the door to the bridge opened. Nav stepped in, carrying a jar she had borrowed from Bomber. She walked through the room, stood underneath the spider, and placed the jar over it. She then used a piece of paper to get it from the ceiling into the jar, and quickly screwed on the lid, tightly.

"It's not large," she sniffed as she walked out. "This baby barely qualifies as medium sized."

"Nav?" ET squeaked. Just before she closed the door, she turned around, and saw the everyone staring at her. She sighed, the noise morphing slightly towards giggle.

"I have four brothers. Every second night I'd find spiders in my room. I got desensitized pretty quickly."

They continued to stare even after she'd finished explaining. With a final shrug, she left, calling over her shoulder, "I like dinosaurs, too!"