Title: The Fundamentals of Family

Chapter One: An Itch You Just Can't Scratch

Normally, Yagami Raito had more self-control than this.

The pretty brunette artist felt his eye twitch in annoyance as his lover continued to stare at him as if he had in some way managed to conjure up two new heads over his shoulders. Somehow, Raito knew the breathing exercises he had learned earlier on in their relationship would come in handy.

'Breath in… breathe out… Breathe in… Breathe-'

Large emery-colored eyes glistened with innocence as L shuffled a bit closer to his irate partner, hoping that the cute card would get Raito to forget just why he was mad. Bringing up his thumb to his lips, the slightly slimmer artist simply smiled up at his spouse as he reinforced his patented Chibi-Look-of-Doom™.

Though the mountain of trash covering almost every part of their once-neatly furnished apartment was a bit hard to forget when it was staring you right in the face, even more so when your 'cute' boyfriend whose manipulative acts were more annoying than precious was practically flaunting said mess whilst maintaining a half-assed grin on his face.

"Raito-kun?"

Eye twitch.

"Yes, Lawliet?"

"… … … Do we have anymore cake?"

'BREATHE FUCKING OUT!'

At long last, Raito felt the final vestiges of his self-control snap as his nostrils flared and his almond shaped eyes narrowed in contempt.

L gulped as his eyes widened in fear, backing up a couple of steps in automatic response to the suddenly frightening features enveloping Raito's face.

"Lawliet…"

Apparently, the cute face had done nothing but anger the sexy beast even further.

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN MESS!"

L pouted as he scuffed his bare foot against their wood-paneled floor, wondering why his lover always seemed to have a stick up his ass. The dark-haired artist blinked as he nibbled onto his thumb, not noticing the murderous look on his boyfriend's face doubling in intent as the perverted grin on his face seemed to blossom unconsciously.

Maybe that wasn't such a bad comparison…

"Raito-kun looks stressed." L finally concluded, shifting through the mountain of trash tickling his bare feet. This was exactly why he had told Raito that they would need a maid… "Perhaps he is in need of some my quality lovin'?"

"Raito-kun is stressed because his boyfriend is lazy and does not want to clean his own mess!" Raito began to pick up various soda cans and Debbie cake wrappings as he walked around the slim sugar-addict, his OCD kicking into high gear. "And no, am I not in need of your 'quality lovin'! Honestly L, I shouldn't have to chase after you as if you were some kind of child! You're 31 years old for God's sakes!"

L scuffed his bare feet against the wood-paneled floor.

"That's what the butlers were recommended for…" L mumbled as Raito glared at him from the corner of his eye. "Stupid trash interrupting my groove time…"

"What was that Lawliet?"

"Nothing, Raito-kun…"

Grabbing the large garbage bag that was lying across the couch, Raito proceeded to dump the random bits of trash decorating the floor within it whilst L cocked his head to the side and stared.

"Raito-kun looks unnaturally hot even whilst picking up trash."

Raito felt his eye twitch.

"No."

"No what, Raito-kun?"

"No, I will not have sex with you." The utterly sexy 24-year-old that was Raito tossed his head to the side as he blew his bangs away from his face, somehow managing to do this in utterly sexy slow motion.

Yes… Raito was so hot, that he could conjure up slow-motion within seconds.

L pouted, once again denied his god given right to molest said hotness moving within slow-motion.

"Raito-kun is being prudish again…"

"And Lawliet-chan is being dickish again…" Raito echoed back, throwing the garbage bag on the ground in a fit of rage, face flushing attractively as L felt his lips twitch upward in both amusement and…

Well, the second emotion should have been pretty obvious at this point by the creepiness of the smile.

"L, get that fucking disturbing smile off your face and get over here now!"

The grin on L's face spread even further as he walked over to his lover, now envisioning a set of handcuffs and a paddle within his lover's hands as Raito's ire began to bubble over to the extreme…

SMACK!

CRASH!

"I SAID GET THAT CREEPY SMILE OFF YOUR FACE, MISTER!" Flames of doom appeared within Raito's molten amber gaze as L rubbed the back of his head, his libido deflated (along with a much more important part of L) for the time being. "Almost seven months of living together, and I still feel like your damn mother, L!"

"Raito-kun is being cold now." L stated as he got off the floor (a place usually Raito and his scrumptious ass inhabited), frowning as he attempted to dust off his posterior, pieces of lint stubbornly clinging to the back of his jeans and cake-stained tee-shirt. "Though I do see Raito-kun's point about cleanliness…"

"No wonder my parents never want to come here…" Raito muttered to himself as he rubbed his temples in exhaustion.

The dark-haired pervert gained his grin once more.

"I always thought that was more attributed to the first night they visited us here, Raito-kun." L slyly crept closer to the traumatized 24-year-old as he blinked, eyes gaining a slightly far-away sight to them.

"L…" The auburn-haired artist growled as he felt the worn look on his face mold into a heavy-set glare. "Don't you dare remind me of the 'Incident'. I still have nightmares about it to this day."

Before Raito could slip away from his grasp, L tackled the poor man onto the floor, eyes narrowing in deviousness.

Raito proceeded to melt into the floor as he felt himself inevitably sweat drop.

God damn L in all his sexy glomp-age...

"L, this is not going to get you in my pants."

"I believe the hand already within Raito-kun's pants contradicts said statement." L happily hummed as he fingers managed to squeeze between Raito's delicious skin and his impossibly tight pants.

"You don't ever change, do you?" The exasperated tone within Raito's voice just made him all the more delectable to L as the smirk grew on his perpetually blank face.

"I do not think Raito-kun would ever wish for me to change." The randy artist replied as he pressed closer to Raito, burying his head within the crook of his lover's neck. "Besides, the night I told Raito-kun's family who I really was did not go as badly as Raito-kun says. I believe it could have gone much, much worse."

Raito sighed as weaved a hand within L's dark locks and nodded. Thinking back on that horrible night still gave him the shivers, though…

And not the good kind either.

Seven Months Prior…

Raito smiled as he finally wiped his hands on the dish rag by the sink, proud of the work completed on both his and L's new residence. Tonight was the unveiling of both their combined work on the apartment itself and L's true identity to his parents, and Raito couldn't have been more excited. This would really cement everything he had worked so hard to gain within both his and L's relationship with one another, along with L's relationship with his family…

Raito smiled as he heard the door sliding open, his lover greeting his family in a more up-beat version of his monotone voice.

"Ah! Hello Sachiko-san, it's very nice to see you… hello Sayu-chan, hopefully all is well in university... and last but not least, father-san has decided to grace us with his undeniable presence once more. It's truly wonderful to see you all once again in our newly christened abode."

Though it would definitely be all the easier to do said cementing if L would stop trying to purposely bait his damn father in the process.

"GODDAMN YOU, RYUUZAKI! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT?!"

Soichirou felt his eye twitch as Raito entered the living room behind his boyfriend-turned-live-in-roommate, sweat dropping in variable exasperation.

"Hello, everyone." Raito rolled his eyes as Soichirou continued to glare at L, L continued to ignore Soichirou's glare and glance over his own shoulder to stare down at Raito's crotch, Sachiko shook her own head in exasperation and Sayu proceeded to laugh maniacally in the background.

Yup… another day, another disaster just waiting to happen.

"I'm glad you guys were able to make it over on such short notice." Raito explained as he inched his way away from both L and Soichirou and towards his mother, who seemed to be the only sane one in the family as Sayu continued to eye him evilly with a strange grin stretching across her face. "We have a lot we need to talk to you about."

"As do we, Raito." Soichirou briskly countered as he sat down on the fairly expensive looking couch, still scowling over at L. "Though your mother and sister may be fine with it, I still think you're making a huge mistake in moving in with Ryuuzaki so early in your relationship."

"We've been together for almost a year now." L dryly stated, his inner-crazy settling down for the time being. "I did not know that we were both rushing into this relationship all at once."

"Ryuuzaki…" Soichirou growled. "For once, this has nothing to do with you and your perverted tendencies, so please shut the hell up. I just think that perhaps-"

"Perhaps I should stop having sex with your son and allow him to magically turn into a heterosexual even though his uke-ness and collection of hair products will not allow such thing to ever happen?"

"PERHAPS you two should wait before you take this next big step!"

"Why would either of us wish to wait? Now, I have Raito-kun available for all of my 'needs' 24-7." L pondered for a moment, finger tapping against his chin before glancing down at his own crotch. "In fact, I am feeling one of those needs right about no-"

"Excuse me!"

"You're excused. Now if you'll 'excuse' the both of us…"

"COULD YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP AND JUST SIT DOWN ALREADY!"

Raito blinked.

Sayu blinked.

L blinked.

Soichirou gawked.

Sachiko coughed as she brushed the imaginary dirt off of her dress.

"Raito, honey, you had something to tell us?" Sachiko turned towards her first and only son, gazing on in amusement as he shook his head in bewilderment.

"Uh… yeah." Raito cleared his throat as he changed his mind and moved a bit closer towards Sayu. Better the evil he knew than the one he didn't.

Though even Sayu looked taken off-guard, so what the hell did he know?

"Are they all high?" Sayu whispered towards Raito whilst clutching a couch pillow to her chest.

'I wish...' The light-haired 24-year-old thought to himself as he picked at his nails, sweat dripping down the back of his neck in a sign of true nervousness on his part.

"It's about both Ryuuzaki and I, really. We have something really important we want to share with you all…" Raito blushed as L practically rushed towards him, jumping beside him on the couch (and basically on his damn lap as Raito attempted to stifle his face fault just as his father's eye began to twitch erratically).

"YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!" Sayu suddenly screamed as she jumped up into the air out of the blue. "Yay for Gay Rights! I'll plan the bachelorette party with some sexy man-strippers, and the S&M-themed wedding, along with a complete soundtrack from ABBA! 'You are the dancing queen, young and sweet; only seventeen, oh yeah…'"

"Grr… Sayu… I didn't say-"

"WHAT?! Did you just- And did she just- And, and… WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Won't you listen to m-"

"Raito, this is so sudden! I mean, I've been given no time to prepare whatsoever! I suppose I'll just have to get everything ready on the fly, I suppose…"

"Mom, I didn't-"

"RAITO-AND-RYUUZAKI-GAY-SEX-FOREVER, BIATCHES!"

"SAYU, SIT DOWN! RAITO, EXPLAIN! NOW!"

"I would love to if everyone in the damn room would give me a chance to speak!" Raito growled out, joining his sister and parents in standing as the whole Yagami bunch began speaking all at once.

L blinked in both slight shock and bewilderment.

"I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU TWO HAVE BEEN GOING OUT, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL THIS IS-"

"Yes! I can finally collect all the money owed to me from all the bets made! Now if only you guys managed to put dad into cardiac arrest, I'd be a freaking millionaire-"

"Raito, I can't believe you didn't even tell me of all people-"

"There's nothing like that to really tell, mother! I didn't say-"

The dark-haired artist sighed before getting up and chewing on his thumb, no one even noticing him leaving the room. He wondered if Raito had made the cupcakes he had promised he was going to make…

L felt his eye twitch as the screams grew exponentially from their posh living room.

If not… there was going to be hell to pay.

"MAN-LOVE! MAN-LOVE! RAITO'S GETTING SOME PERMANENT MAN-LOVE! GO RAITO'S SMEXY ASS!"

"Oh Dear… Sayu…"

"I need pictures. Raito, you shall be a beautiful blushing bride, and Ryuuzaki shall be the raging groom whipping out his humongous penis in front of everyone before running off with you into the sunset." The glittering twinkles now coating his little sister's eyes were literally scaring Raito shitless as he began to back away from the unstable yaoi fan that was Sayu. "And yes… you shall be man-raped, dearest brother. Though we all know you'll loveit in the rear en-"

"SAYU, ENOUGH! Now Raito, I have accepted more than I ever thought I'd ever had to with this relationship, but this is just too much! What's next, you popping kids out of your ass while Ryuuzaki plays the Keytar in the background?!" Soichirou finally exploded, causing everyone within the room to stare at him for a moment.

"What a minute, did you just say Keytar? Seriously, dad? The flipping Keytar?" Sayu glanced at the man, irked from having been interrupted her gloating time by that of all things. "What are we, in the 1980's?! I think our minds have quite honestly taken a nosedive for the worse since you came up with that lame analogy."

"Made of 100 percent pure fail?" Raito whispered as their father simmered in the background.

"Fail to the thousandth power, hon." Sayu agreed, already planning just where she would implant the cameras within the young men's apartment after they came back from their honeymoon. It was 'Sexy Raito and Perverted Ryuuzaki All the Time' TV, baby!

She could see the obscene amounts of cash now…

"You are all missing the point!" The middle-aged father bellowed as he finally threw his car keys onto the floor (Raito's precious and brand-spanking new hardwood floor) and nearly tore his hair off of his head in an attempt to calm his rabid rage. "Look, I kept my calm when you introduced Ryuuzaki to the family-"

"More like nearly killed him at the dining room table when big bro here was performing his Strip-Tease-à-la-Raito." Sayu muttered as Raito sighed to himself, wondering if he was ever going to be able to live that down.

"I didn't explode at him when that stupid news broadcast announcing your supposed gayness almost cost me my job-"

"Since he had nothing to do with it, and we weren't anywhere near you at the time… thank the lords above." Raito then interjected, wishing he had been born into a stable home environment and not this little psycho shop of horrors.

"And I didn't murder him in cruel and unusual ways once you finally announced you were finally going to move in with him-"

"Since Raito's perfectly of age, and he's been gay long before you ever came to terms with it, darling." Sachiko finally added in, appalled at her husband's completely irrational behavior.

"Anyways, I think enough is enough! I will not stand by and watch my only son disgrace himself by marrying someone who looks as if he needs both a shower and a rabies shot!" Soichirou grabbed his son by the shoulders and shook him harshly. "Couldn't you have least chosen someone as hot and sexy as yourself?!"

"Dad." Raito gave the man a thoroughly scared look as he brushed his hands off his shoulders and backed away a good ten paces. "I think you need to see a psychiatrist for your crazy."

"I am not crazy yet!" Soichirou bellowed. "And if I truly am, then you only have yourself and your extremely perverted and outlandish boyfriend to blame!"

"Did someone call me?" L blinked as he shuffled within the room once again, smudges of icing and cake crumbs hanging off his lips and cheeks and… well, just about his whole face.

Raito did not need to know how L had managed to get the excess icing into his hair and smeared across his forehead, knowing that would only somehow manage to scar him even further.

"Nope, future brother-in-law." Sayu grinned as Soichirou grimaced once more, face an abnormal shade of purple.

L then shuffled into the living room, eyes then gleaming with trace amounts of pseudo-tears as a bowl with small bits of icing hanging off the rim was held within his pale spidery hands, Raito too preoccupied in backing away from his now creepy father to have noticed.

"More cupcakes, Rai-chan?"

The younger of the two men sweat dropped as he shook his head, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he was in for the temper tantrum of a lifetime.

"Cupcakes?" Soichirou echoed.

Whether it would be from his father or his lover, had yet to be decided.

"I am having a mental and nervous breakdown thinking about you and my only too-good-for-you-son spending the rest of your lives together… AND YOU'RE POUTING ABOUT CUPCAKES?!"

L blinked.

"Father-san needs to either get laid or get a drink." The childish pervert blandly stated as he eyed the crumbs decorating the inside of the bowl he was holding. "Since Sachiko-san is much too proper to do that here, and I doubt father-san would drink anything I myself had to offer, I suppose leading him to the upstairs bathroom so that he may go relieve himself would be the only acceptable thing to do."

Sayu stifled a giggle as both she and Sachiko watched Soichirou's face turn a rather obscene shade of bluish-greenish-purple in rapt fascination.

Raito wondered if he should have just gotten drunk before his family had come over to have saved himself the trouble later.

"Raito, this is the man you want to get married to and live the rest of your life with?!" The older man pointed a finger towards the pale artist now licking the bowl free of icing, eyes rimmed with dark circles as he blinked owlishly.

Raito sweat dropped.

'Unfortunately…'

"Who said we were getting married?" L suddenly stated after a particularly long lick, taking Soichirou, Sayu and Sachiko completely off-guard. "Raito-kun simply stated he wished to tell all of you something of extreme importance… when did he actually specify that there would be a wedding involved in said speech?"

"Uh…"

"Well…"

"I didn't… hm…"

L gave an obnoxiously loud slurp as he gave the bowl one final lick.

"You need not worry. Neither Raito-kun nor I am getting married…"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"O… k…"

"Yet." L smirked as Soichirou glared over at the man who had interrupted his small victory dance, which had continued to creep Raito out with his random pelvic thrusting and distorted version of the electric slide.

"I think I'm going to be sick…" Raito muttered as he sat down and held his head within his hands, wondering just where, oh where, he had gone oh so wrong in his life. Glancing up at his glaring father and smirking lover, the bootylicious artist had to wonder if he had done something horrible in a previous lifetime to deserve a fate such as this.

Raito preferred to ignore the ominous thunderclap reverberating just outside the apartment as he thought this, knowing no good would come out of that either.

"Well, there goes my plans for fantastic man-strippers…" Sayu sighed as she sat down. "Damn you Ryuuzaki for bringing down my hopes and dreams."

L's eye twitched at the thought of men jiggling their stuff in front of his lover.

Yeah… if they ever got married, that would be a definite no-no.

"I can't believe I'm saying this…" Soichirou began, still glaring at L with such unadulterated abhorrence that Raito felt as if his boyfriend was going to spontaneously melt into the floor any minute now. "But thank you, Ryuuzaki."

"You're welcome, father-san. Besides," L threw the bowl over his shoulder, ignoring the sickening crash permeating throughout the living room once it hit the floor (or the wince Raito sent in his direction as he glanced back at the ceramic shards of clay now decorating his once-pretty floor) as he stared at Soichirou with his normal blasé stare. "I hear that sex becomes nearly infrequent once you get married. And I cannot imagine not getting my daily dose of Raito-ass whenever I craved for it."

Sayu's insane laughter was ignored as Sachiko also had to stifle her own onset of giggles with fake coughs, wondering if her husband was ever going to get a moment's peace with Ryuuzaki as his 'self-proclaimed' son-in-law.

"I… did not need to know that." Soichirou slowly proclaimed as he tried to control his now erratic breathing. "And who says that your sex life goes south once you get married?! I'll have you know-"

"La, la, la, la, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Sayu suddenly started screaming as Sachiko's cheeks turned a bright magenta. "La, la, la, MAKE HIM STOP TALKING!"

L and Raito both paled simultaneously as memories long forgotten were then… remembered.

Well, that settled it. L wasn't going to have sex for a long time after this conversation.

"That once Sachiko and I got married, our sex life was off the charts-"

"WHY IS HE STILL TALKING?!"

"Raito-kun…" L inched closer to his lover, laying his head down on his lap as he sat down on the couch alongside his boyfriend. "I think I am going to be sick as well."

"And let me tell you, even after being married for as long as we have been, we can still get 'Jiggy Wit It', if you know what I mean-"

"Oh dear God, I've been officially turned off for the rest of my life." Sayu muttered as Sachiko hid her face behind her hand. "Parental old people sex… Ew."

"I second that 'ew' and a raise you an 'ugh'." L muttered as he buried his face even deeper within the confines of Raito's lap.

The younger of the two felt the last restraints of his self-control snap as his eye twitched in annoyance.

Raito, after one too many crazy comments, just finally couldn't take it anymore.

"For the love of all that's holy, will you people stop acting like a bunch of crazy fruit loops and just listen when I say that-"

"No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside and I can't break through-there's no talking to you…"

Raito sweat dropped.

"So sad that you're leaving; takes time to believe it, but after all is said and done, you're gonna be the lonely one, Ohh Oh…"

"Damn you, Sayu."

The young girl grinned as she examined her fingernails, quite sure she was awesome in just about every way possible.

"Do you believe in life after love?! I can feel something inside me say 'I really don't think you're strong enough', now-"

"Hello?!" Raito shouted into the phone from hell as he snapped it open with a slight twitch, hating it with every fiber of his completely sexy being.

"…"

"… Hello?" Raito tried once more as pure silence continued to invade the phone waves.

"…"

Raito rolled his eyes, quite sure he was destined to be surrounded by both insane people and hideous ring tones.

"… Mikami-kun, how did you get this number?"

"… … Raito-sama sounds so pretty when he's grouchy. Has he forgiven me yet for kidnapping him while he was still naked and glistening and totally smexy from his shower?"

L felt his eye twitch as Raito sweat dropped once again.

"Mikami-kun, I am hanging up now, and quite possibly hoping to never speak to you again. Now, if you don't stop stalking me and doing whatever the hell it is you do with my image in your spare time, I am going to let Ryuuzaki chase you down and mutilate you and your manhood beyond comprehension." Raito stroked his lover's hair as L continued to pout childishly. "Am I being clear enough for you in saying that you're both weird and creepy beyond even MY standards of normal and never wish to come in contact with you ever again?"

"… … Crystal."

"Perfect. Now go… do whatever it is you do when your not working, you creepy person you. And stop hiding behind random bushes without pants on! I don't need to see your ass whenever I walk by the damn park in the mornings!"

Without another word, Raito turned off his phone and threw it at the other side of the room…

Where it zoomed into the air and hit his father across the forehead.

Oops.

"Raito!"

Raito uselessly pointed a finger in his hysterical sister's direction as she fell onto the ground in insane glee.

Well, at least somebody was having the time of their lives.

"… Err… Sayu did it?"

"Raito-kun is in trouble…"

"Why do I always get blamed for everything?" The young college student pouted as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"I think it is because you usually are the one responsible for such things, Sayu-chan." L answered blandly, watching the young girl automatically perk up in amusement.

"This is true…"

"Can we please get back to what I was talking about before all this craziness invaded my apartment?!" Raito finally snapped, almost throwing L off the couch as he slammed his open palms against the couch's cushions. "I don't think I can take any of this anymore, since I'm apparently not only traumatized for life, but quite sure I won't ever be able to get an erection ever again due to the weird and mind-scarring images stuck in my head and psychotic stalkers that don't know when to throw in the damn towel! And no, no damn pun intended!"

"I concur." Raito's entangled other half mumbled as he rubbed his abused nose with his hand, wondering if cushions could give bruises. "I must admit, I did not expect all of this would happen when I agreed to share my true identity with all of you on Raito-kun's behalf."

Instantly, the room became instantly quiet as soon as L finished his sentence.

"True… identity?" Sayu picked herself up from off the floor and gave L a dubious stare. "You mean, Ryuuzaki isn't your real… name?"

"This is correct." L sat up into his normal childish crouch and stared at the three Yagami whose attention he had now managed to capture. "Ryuuzaki is simply a pseudonym, if you will. My true name is only disclosed to people I have come to trust, as the tabloids and press are simply just aching to get their hands on any information in concerns to myself…"

"And Raito knows your real name?" Sachiko turned her sights over to her blushing son who nodded in agreement. "And for how long have you known, Raito? For all we know…"

"For all we know, Ryuuzaki is some kind of perverted homicidal maniac who likes hacking up sexy gay men in his spare time!" Soichirou explained, once again making his son stare at him as if he was psychotic.

"Err…"

"He has known my name for about four months now, but has known about my true identity for about eight months and maybe some days…"

"Wait, wait, wait… why are you talking about your identity and name as if they are two separate entities?" Sayu questioned as the mischievous artist then smiled.

"Well, in a way they are both the same, and yet different. If it helps to break everything down… then I must tell you all, before someone else interrupts with some insane comment… that I am the anonymous artist simply known as L."

The room broke out into silence as three pairs of eyes stared wide-eyed at the pale 31-year-old internally sighing at the automatic reaction each Yagami gave him.

"I knew it was genetic…" L muttered as a good three minutes passed and still no one moved, thinking of the first time L had admitted to Raito just who the auburn-haired man had been dealing with.

Raito held his head within his hands once more, wondering if he was ever going to be cut a break in his life.

"Raito-kun… about those cupcakes?"

Well, that answered that question.

"Oh, go fuck yourself L."

"Only if Raito-kun promises to join in on the fun later on."

Whack!

CRASH!

"Stupid pervert."

Flash to the Present…

"God, if we ever move, I am so not telling any of them the address or phone number. In fact, phones shall be banned from our house along with any electronical-devices that can be used to communicate with the outside world, period." Raito whispered as L pressed a kiss against the pulse of his neck.

"What about Raito-kun's mother? She is nice and sane…" L mumbled against the soft patch of skin he was currently molesting with his mouth as he lightly bit the now tender spot, liking the way the growing red mark accented the younger man's caramel skin tone.

"But says things without thinking, sometimes." Raito ignored the blush now encasing his cheeks as he pushed his lover off of him, eyes still scanning the intense messiness of their formerly pristine apartment. "Now stop invading my personal space and help me clean up, you big perverted panda."

"But Raito-kuuuuuun…" The pout had little affect as Raito smiled down at the man still sitting on the floor, looking as if he had just been denied his favorite kind of sweet in the entire world.

Which he had, but still, Raito had his OCD to consider here.

"Once you get everything cleaned up, I'll give you all the lovin' in the world. We'll even do that role-play game you've been wanting to act out so freaking much-"

"You mean the one where you're an infamous mass-murderer with a partially hidden God complex who loves both inner monologues and laughing insanely to himself on occasion and is given a supernatural weapon that mysteriously kills people with just a name and face and I'm the world-famous detective who constantly suspects you even though there is no real substantial evidence pointing in your direction and is challenging you in order to save the world from your tyrannical rule?!"

Raito stared at his lover, quirking his eyebrow in confusion.

"Sure…?"

A blur of blue, white and black zoomed by Raito as L quickly shuffled around the room in a whirlwind of excitement, the small grin on his face breaking the usually grim demeanor the artist so loved to scare people with.

'O… k…'

Not even five minutes later, the entire room was sparkling.

"I'll get the handcuffs and lube!"

Raito sweat dropped.

Here he was, living with the man of his dreams (that was still under some debate, actually, but Raito would be damned if someone else came along that was more perfect for him than L, sadly enough) and having the time of his life, even if he at times said otherwise. Raito was definitely living it up to the fullest…

Yet why did it still feel as if something was missing?

Sighing, Raito pushed the thought to the side, quite sure that the emo-ness was a result of either not enough coffee or too much introspection. As L rushed down the stairs and grabbed him by the hand, Raito laughed the feeling off as nonsense and followed his impatient lover to their bedroom.

He had L.

Honestly, what else did he need?

"And Raito-kun does not get to miraculously get his way out of this sexing-up session as he did the last time we were in the middle of business when Misa came over for a surprise shopping visit! As a result of his stubborn insolence, Raito-kun does not get to have a safety word if things get too intense!"

"What?! With your crazy ass, a safety word is a most definite requirement, damn it! You're too kinky for your own good!"

Yes, what else did Raito need other than this?

"Raito-kun is no fun…"

He had everything right within the palm of his sexy, sexy hand…

"Damn pervert…"

Or so he'd like to think, anyway.

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, I don't own Death Note, blah, blah, nor do I own "Dancing Queen" by ABBA (which is super gay) nor do I own "Believe" by Cher (Which is so gay, I don't even know where to start). Yeah... that's about it. Lol!

So... was I missed?

((Hears crickets in the background))

Lovely. Lol!

Ah, I poke so much fun at everything in this AU, and really, I love this universe for allowing me to do so without seeming like a great big jack-ass. XD For those who didn't get it, the 'marriage' bit was a bit of a poke in the ribs to all of those reviewers who always suggested that such an event should take place in the DH universe. Whether it will or won't, is question left for another day. And did you spot the past references to both DH, CSS and ((cough))? I truly am awesome. Lol! Awesomely overrated, anyways. XD

So... Over the top? Yes. Completely on par with DH's rampant random humor? Definitely. The beginning of the end of my sanity? I should hope so. Lol! I know, I know... I'm insane. But, you all still love me (maybe? o.o) right? Yeah... just let me believe that. Get excited people, because I'm baaaaaaack...