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HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION
Chappie numero 1: Jiraiya starts a fad
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It was a fine day indeed, with the cool autumn wind blazing through Konoha's streets when a grinning Jiraiya set the five laptops on top of Tsunade's desk with a huge 'clunk'.
The Godaime frowned, a breadstick sticking out jauntily from her sensual mouth. It moved up and down accordingly to her chewing. Her tone was very much 'don't fuck with me'.
"What the hell is this? Are you trying to dump garbage without recycling again? "
To which, Jiraiya piped up indignantly:
"Well, that was just one tim…Hmm. Hm. Actually, that doesn't matter. Now, behold the magic machines that would enable all of Konoha to communicate efficiently, and with speed! "
He gesticulated wildly, ready for an explosive reaction.
"Huh. Why do we need that? "
Tsunade asked indifferently, still chewing on the breadstick like a cow chews its cud. Jiraiya sighed.
"…Fine, it's just for shits and giggles. 'But', you'd be able to monitor these beauties, 24/7… wouldn't you like to spy on the personal thoughts of your villagers? "
Tsunade rose up in fury:
"Why, Jiraiya, I would never!! "
As she said so, she kicked a chair towards the entrance door, so that it sufficiently blocked whoever was trying to get in. As soon as that deed was done, she smiled engagingly.
"Where do we set these up? "
From just out the windows, Hatake Kakashi let out a small sigh while closing the latest edition of the Icha Icha series… thinking:
'There goes her last scrap of dignity. '
--
(later that day; Konoha recreation hall, 2pm)
"Eh? What's this? "
Naruto prodded the still machines with a kunai, even pushing his face up against the sides to sniff the device.
"Is it edible? "
Choki sidled up next to him, leaving from the game he, Shikamaru and Kiba had been playing on the hall's ping-pong table. He had been the referee.
"Oi you guys, what's going on there? "
Shikamaru approached the five laptops with Kiba in tow, who eyed the rectangular appliances in disdain.
"Whazzit? They moved the Pacman machine and got this instead? Waste of money I tellsya. "
Jiraiya suddenly popped out of nowhere to explain:
"It's a laptop! It's what made my bestsellers, the Icha Icha series, actually come to life! …Did you know: it was originally an internet based project? "
The four boys were very much stunned, and unfortunately, not interested.
"…we're not perverts like Kakashi sensei! Besides, what 'can' you do on a laptop? "
"Write fanfiction of course! Like I did! It'll make you 'famous'. "
"Famous?! "
Naruto's eyes suddenly lit up and Shikamaru groaned.
"How troublesome…don't fall for it, Naruto. "
Jiraiya intervened:
"Well, Shikamaru, what about this? By using this machine, you can contact anyone from anywhere… without having to go! Solves many troublesome things, doesn't it? "
Shikamaru maintained his deadpan look, but was secretly intrigued.
"And Choji? If you write a story on fanfcition and it gets famous… one day, you might get it published offline… like me! And you can buy food with the money you made! "
"Alright! "
Kiba was still stubbornly skeptical about this whole fanficiton business. Jiraiya knew the right thing to say:
"Don't you want to write about how… you brought up Akamaru? A doggy diary? Woof Woof?"
Kiba blushed up from head to toe.
"Shut up..."
Case settled.
--
(later in the rec hall)
"I'm going to write… a story about a 'hero', an optimistic cheerful ramen-loving boy with a painful and troubled past with no one by his side… a bit of a goofball, maybe a pervert, but not evil… Then! Then, he suddenly becomes a hero and marries a pretty girl who he had a crush on for ages. "
Naruto had his eyes closed and arms stretched in a holy manner to the ceiling by the end of his description.
Shikamaru listened in a bored indifferent manner, then commented absent-mindedly:
"Somehow, sounds like you. "
Naruto grinned.
"Except that ending part, I ain't so sure about that. "
Kiba piped up, adding to Shika's comment.
"What's wrong about the ending?! It's perfect!"
"I just don't like the…uh…nuance. "
Kiba knew, if he got into it, he'd never be able to get out the 'that' argument. Naruto, still frowning, asked Shikamaru:
"Oi, what are 'you' going to write? "
He did not even bother to think.
"…all the things I find troublesome. "
Kiba sympathetically laid a hand on Shika's shoulders.
"I'm afraid, that's in itself going to be troublesome, mate. "
Shikamaru shrugged.
Naruto, who was about to type his first words onto the screen, rose up in epiphany.
"Hey wait, before we write, don't you think we should call up other people as well? I mean like… we need to 'share' this experience, this is sort of cool… just like ol' pervy hermit said! "
Jiraiya piped up again:
"It's Jiraiya!! You little punks! "
"Jesus fuck! We thought you left! "
--
(Monitor room, 4pm)
Tsunade peered into the screen in surprise.
The rec hall was 'filled', literally 'filled' with people…
And she was dismayed to discover:
"Itachi? Pain? What the fuck, what are they doing there?! It's the Akatsuki!! Shizune, hurry! Go call up Asuma! Gai! Anyone! "
"um..."
Shizune looked slightly embarassed about something.
"Maybe that's not necessary, Tsunade sama. I think they also want to have a go with the fanfiction thing… well, seeing that there's only 5 laptops in all of our universe. "
Shizune pointed out philosophically…not.
Tsunade grunted.
"Well I ain't so happy about havin…Asuma?! Might Gai!? What are they doing there? I thought they were on missions! "
Shizune smiled politely, small sweat drops beading her forehead.
"Well you see, no one needs to go on missions anymore because all the important guys are lined up for that rec hall's laptop… Oh, yes. See? Over there, I even spot the Kazekake. And there's Orochimaru and Sasuke. "
The Godaime's mouth dropped open.
"So Tsunade sama, just lay back and enjoy the show! "
--
(Konoha recreation hall, 5pm)
By this time, the rec hall was crammed full with people. Like sardines in a can.
"Aha! I see you, Kakashi, frowning… which means, you're not sure about what to write? Well, I, Might Gai, already a have a great intricate fabulous elegant plot in mind! Should it be another victory for me? Should we have a, ah, brilliant idea, STORY BATTLE?! "
"Shut up over there! "
A cranky looking Hidan prodded Gai with his scythe, peeved by the fact that he had to wait his turn. Itachi was elegantly turning the pages of a book named: How to write fanfiction, by Jiraiya the great.
Kakashi, saved by the distraction, pushed through the throngs of people for escape, only to find a very amorous Anko pushing up against his groin, eating a candy apple.
"Would you like to be in my lemon, Kakashi? "
"Ah, well…"
Oh dilemma.
In the far corner of the room, Hinata was having troubles of her own.
Temari,Tenten and Ino stood in front of her, quizzically waiting for their friend to come out with what she was going to write. But they couldn't make out what she was saying, for her stuttering prevented her from coming out with it.
"I…I want to write…a l…lo…lo…"
"Love story? "
Ino inquired.
"Lo…logical story consisted of math, science and pure fact. "
Tenten and Temari's eyes widened, and Hinata blushed.
That's not what she meant to say. But now that she'd said it, she'd have to write it.
"What would you write Sai? "
Ino swerved her curvy form seductively to the pale raven boy that was seated next to her, staring dully into the screen.
She had already decided on what to write: a story about a blonde florist with attitude and a raven artist with falling in love…then making out under the moon in a deserted temple type building. Yep. Tres romantic, at least in her views.
Sai thoughtfully contemplated.
"I would like to do… "
"Yes? Do continue, I'm totally like, so curious. "
Ino implored, her eyes sparkling, eyelashes batting.
"…a picture book. "
A short moment of silence ensued. Sai had never looked ever so unknowing, naive.
Ino sighed. She will forgive, out of the power of love.
"…Sai."
"With lots of animals and the sky…oh yes, the sea. I would like that very much. "
He sounded very 'oh so Dr. Seuss'.
"…Sai. "
"Yes? "
"You do realize, is for writing, not…drawing. "
He thought.
"In that case… I would like to elaborate on the daily routine of my life. "
Ino perked up instantly. Daily routine of his life 'had' to include a shower scene, right? Now that was something worthwhile to read, even though the last book she read was….grudgingly, Cat in the Hat, by yours truly, Dr. Seuss.
"Ooh, and what should that be? "
"I wake, then I eat a breakfast consisted of chocoball cereal and chocolate milk. "
"…yes? "
It wasn't a great beginning, but it could develop. There are many fantastic fanfictions that start bad but end well.
Well. Sometimes there were.
"I wash, then I paint. Then I train. Then I eat. "
"…Sai. "
"Then I train. Then I draw. Then I sleep. "
"…Sai. "
"Yes? "
Ino bit her lips, pained by the fact that she'd have to say:
"Please do a one-shot, I'm afraid that isn't going to get you much reviews. "
"Oh? "
Cut.
Moving further into the room, spotted: Haruno Sakura talking to Kabuto"
"I will write… a lemon.(girlish giggle) "
She was eyeing Sasuke who was standing only a few steps away, who looked a bit confused.
Kabuto, not really 'getting' what a lemon was, instead decided to elaborate on what he was going to write.
"Medical journal… about…how to come back to life…"
"I'm afraid that's already taken. Frankenstein, anyone? "
Orochimaru pointed out.
"You're not witty. "
Kabuto glared.
Orochimaru shugged, as he announced to the whole room.
"I will write… a lemon. Ssss."
"Oh jesus, not him too."
Neji stuck out his tongue in a grimace.
"Don't steal my idea, you old man! "
Sakura pouted. Jiraiya poked his head in, wearing a smug face as if to imply, 'I was the original lemon writer, beat that', but no one paid attention to him. Because :
Orochimaru continued...
"About me and…"
Here, he shot a look at the stricken Uchiha Sasuke, hissing in a serpentine way.
"Come on lover boiii sssss. "
"Jesus fucking Christ. "
Jiraiya decided to stop the commotion.
"Alright you people, enough! Five people should have a go first, and produce something good! Or else I'll never smuggle in laptops again! "
--
(bloodiedsug's words on
Next entry: Want to read what they wrote?
Who should write first? And is Sai really going to do something that boring? And what about Orochimaru's scary lemon?... Lol.
This is just for fun. No plot, and doesn't matter if any of the characters are dead in the real Naruto.
PS: by writing stories, they are already by themselves, creating fanficiton, because they are the cast of Naruto. Lol. That's how I look at it anyhow.
bear with me)