The Many Failed Romances of Link
by Galaxy Girl and Saridaru-Chan
A/N: This chapter was written by Galaxy Girl, and is dedicated to all of you Link/Zelda shippers out there. No offense need be taken. It IS a comedy, after all.
~*~*~*~*~*~* Chapter Two: Zelda *~*~*~*~*~*~
When Link regains consciousness, he finds himself in a beautiful, ultra-deluxe bedroom, better than any fancy hotel he has ever seen.
"Wowee!" he gasps, staring at the gold-plated everything and the fluffy pink canopy over the bed.
A sleeping figure is next to him, with golden blonde hair in pink pajamas.
"I'd better not wake her up quite yet," says Link of his make-believe wife.
He stands up groggily, and stumbles over to the balcony door. Link's eyes pop out to see that he is in the tallest tower of Hyrule Castle.
"Oh WOW!" he says in awe. "This is INCREDIBLE! Look at me! I have the biggest freakin' house in all of Hyrule!"
Then it suddenly hits him.
"Wait a sec... If I married Zelda, then... I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" he shrieks in joy. "I'M IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' WORLD! AAHAAHAHAHHAAA! Scha-WEET!"
The overjoyed Link throws on his fancy royal tunic straight from the royal wardrobe and strolls happily down twelve flights of stairs, into the main hall of the gigantic castle.
The walls are made of beautiful solid marble, and ornate tapestries and murals span the corridors. Everywhere you look was the symbol of the Triforce. Servants and butlers and maids, ALL under Link's command, race back and forth through the many chambers of the castle.
"I'M KING OF THE WORLD BABY, YEAH!" he squeals.
Several servants stare at him worriedly.
"Do think it's much gone to his head?" asks a cook to a chambermaid.
Suddenly, Link realizes that he is totally lost.
"Um... excuse me," he says to a nearby guard.
"Yes, your majesty?"
"Which way to the kitchen? I need me some chow."
The guard raises an eyebrow. "You mean the dining room, your majesty. It's down that hall."
Link nods a thank you, and races down the corridors to the grand dining room, that looks grander than any dining room he's ever seen.
"This is SO AWESOME!" he grins.
As he steps in the door, two Royal bugle players race to attention on either side of him. Another servant rushes in with a scroll.
Suddenly, there is a scrambling of feet, and every single servant in the palace rushes into the dining hall, stands near the wall in a big clump, and stares at Link.
The servant with the scroll steps forward, and the bugle players squeak out a cadence-
-Right in Link's ear.
He winces, and the guy with the scroll unrolls it. "PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY MORNING IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL HIS ALL-HIGH, BELOVED, WORSHIPPED, ADORED, REVERED, AND ALL-AROUND WELL-LIKED MAJESTY, KING LINK OF HYRUUUUULE!"
The servants all cheer loudly, throwing off their hats and kneeling.
"That's cool," says Link, whose ears are still ringing from the bugles.
He walks into the dining hall and takes a seat in the throne at the end of the 20-foot table.
All of the servants remain near the wall, kneeling.
"Um, at ease?" yells Link.
They all stand up, and stay where they are, watching his every move.
A butler runs to take his breakfast orders.
"Good morning, your majesty. Her highness Queen Zelda shall be here momentarily. What can I get you for breakfast?"
"Strawberry Pop-Tarts, please. The kind with the sprinkles," he answers, grinning like an idiot.
The butler looks taken aback. "... Pop... Tarts?"
"Yeah, what's wrong?"
"We don't have 'Pop-Tarts'..." the butler says, as if the words are poisonous.
"Whaddya mean you don't have Pop-Tarts?" Link asks, freaking out. "Then what do you have?"
"The Royal Breakfast is a special omelet," the butler replies.
"Eh, fine. But I can't believe we don't have Pop-Tarts!" he sighs.
The butler scampers off.
Link stares around at the hundreds of servants, watching his every move.
"Excuse me... WHAT are you doing?" he asks them.
"We are watching you in all your all-high, beloved, worshipped, adored, revered, and all-around well-liked majesty, your majesty," a maid answers.
"Well STOP IT! I feel like I'm an animal in a zoo, here! Quit watching me!"
The servants all kneel down and bow to the floor again.
"Uh, no, no, no, I said stop that."
They all stand up and watch him again.
"NO! Stop! Don't watch me!"
They kneel again.
"All right, all right, just... go find something to clean, all of you!" he groans.
The servants all go running off, leaving Link alone in the giant dining room.
Link stares at the 20 forks set side-by-side next to the plate, and examines several other strange pieces of tableware.
"... What do they need 20 forks for?" he asks.
A maid rushes out with a pot of fresh coffee, and Link pours himself a giant cup.
"Where's the paper?" he asks.
"GET THE KING HIS PAPER!" shrieks the maid, amazingly high-pitched and right in Link's ear.
"... Ow..." he squeaks.
"Will that be all for you, sire?"
"Um, yeah..." he says.
The maid leaves, and Link hears footsteps coming up the hallway. The Royal bugle players and the dude with the scroll rush in, and Link knows that his make-believe wife has just woken up.
All of the servants reappear against the wall, and Link groans.
There is a bugle cadence, and the scroll guy steps forward.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY MORNING HERE IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL HER GRACEFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY, HEAVENLY, DAZZLING, AND ALL-AROUND GORGEOUS GLORY... QUEEN ZELDA OF HYRULE!"
The servants all cheer loudly, throwing off their hats and kneeling again.
Link decides the best thing to do would be to welcome his wife into the room, so he rushes to the door.
"Good morning, darling..." he begins, and Zelda enters the room.
"AAAAAAGGGGHHH!" he shrieks.
Zelda appears with her hair all up in curlers, a mud mask slathered all over her face, pouring herself a pot of coffee with huge, ugly bags under her eyes in a tattered bathrobe.
"WHAT'S-A MATTER?" she says in a whiny voice.
"Oh, sorry darling... I just... didn't expect you to look so... so..." Link stutters.
Ugly?
"... GORGEOUS this glorious morning!" he finishes, trying not to cringe.
He takes her by the dainty, freshly-nail polished hand and leads her to her seat at the table, all the way across from his.
Then he runs back to his seat and takes a deep breath, relieved that he doesn't have to look at her through breakfast.
A butler runs to her and takes her breakfast order, and then Queen Zelda snaps her fingers.
"MAKE-UP!" she yells.
A swarm of maids with all sorts of make-up and powders and combs and gels rush up to Zelda, and seconds later, she looks like her normal, beautiful self.
Link suddenly wishes that their seats were closer together.
A servant takes away the tattered bathrobe, and Zelda is dressed in her royal clothes again.
"GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE!" she screams across the table in her normal voice.
"UH... GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO, DEAR!" he screams back.
"WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY, DARLING?" she screams.
"UH... I DON'T KNOW!" he screams back. "WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR ATTENDANT?"
"GOOD IDEA!" she screams. "IMPAAA!"
The well-built Sheikah woman walks into the dining room, and Link can't help but stare at her very revealing body-armor. He had always had a crush on her... heh heh...
"Good morning, Zelda." Impa says. Then she turns towards Link's end of the table. "GOOD MORNING, LINK!" she screams.
"GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO, IMPA!"
"Impa," asks Zelda, taking a sip of her coffee. "What are we going to do today?"
"Well," Impa replies, checking the Queen's schedule. "After breakfast it's 'critical-decision-making-hour', and at 12 you've got an important luncheon meeting with King Zora and the Princess Ruto... at 3 you and the King have croquet practice and stroll through the garden, and at 5 there's a banquet."
"Sounds good," says Zelda. "Oh, I've got a list of things for you to do today too, Impa."
She hands the Sheikah woman a 4-foot long list of demands.
"Well first of all I need you to mend my favorite white dress, the Royal Seal on it is starting to unravel, you know... and then you have to iron all my dresses in my closet sections A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, J, and K, but NOT F! Don't iron those ones, they can't be ironed... And then you have to polish the Triforce, make sure Link and my croquets mallets are freshly painted... fix that leaky faucet in my bathroom of third floor, dust the dungeons, change my sheets, make my bed, iron the curtains, wash my clothes, wash Link's clothes, call up the Sages and cancel that Sage meeting on the 9th... Oh! And WALK MY CAT!"
Impa groans. "Yes, Zelda."
After what seems like hours, the butler brings out two plates of a delicious-looking omelet.
Zelda daintily tucks her napkin in her lap, picks up a random fork out of the 20, and starts eating tiny nibbles.
Link stuffs his napkin down his shirt, grabs a spoon, and starts shoveling food in his mouth like a bulldozer.
Zelda's eyes are wide open.
"Link! You're chewing with your mouth open!"
She squints. "I... think."
"THIS STUFF IS GREAT!" Link yells to his wife. "I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK SPECKS AND THE CRUNCHY THINGS! WHAT ARE THOSE?"
"WHY, DON'T YOU KNOW? THE BLACK STUFF IS ZORA CAVIAR, AND THE CRUNCHY THINGS ARE ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS!"
Link's eyes pop open, and he spits the contents of his mouth all over the floor. "BLEAH! BLEAH! OH, DISGUST! I THINK I'M GONNA HURL! HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT STUFF?"
"IT'S A DELICACY!" Zelda screams.
But Link can't hear her, because he's off looking for the royal little boys' room.
Servants line the hallways as the royal couple stroll down the corridors to the throne room after breakfast. Link still looks a little green.
"Your majesty!"
"Your highness!"
"You're both looking wonderful today, your graces!"
Link rolls his eyes at the servant's compliments, but Zelda smiles gracefully and gives a Queen Elizabethan-style wave.
"Hello! Good morning! Good morning! It's a pleasure to see you ALL!" she coos.
"Why won't they go away? They were watching us all through breakfast, too." Link grumbles.
"They like to observe their betters being better than them, darling." Zelda replies crisply.
They reach the throne room, and Link and Zelda both takes seats in the ornately decorated thrones at the far end of a red carpet.
Impa enters the room with a long scroll, and stands next to Zelda's throne to perform her bodyguarding duties, as well as to introduce the guests in the court today.
"All right, what are we doing now?" asks Link.
"It's Critical Decision Making Hour," Zelda explains. "This is when everyone comes into the castle to whine to us about their problems, and we have to decide what to do."
Impa unrolls the scroll and reads off of it loudly. "Your first visitor today highnesses, is the Carpenter Boss of Kakariko Village."
The Carpenter Boss strolls in, and bows to the Royal Family. "Your majesty, your highness."
"Welcome to the palace," Zelda says cheerfully. "What is it that you seek from us?"
"Well, your loveliness..." the Carpenter Boss says sheepishly. "My men and I were wondering... when we would get our paychecks."
"For what?" asks Link.
"For repairing the village of Kakariko," the Carpenter Boss replies, as if stating the obvious. "You see, we were hired to add on to the village, and to build houses in the village, and... well, we haven't been paid yet."
Zelda frowns. "I'm sorry, Mr. ... Mr. ..."
"Boss, your highness. Carpenter Boss."
"I'm sorry Mr. Carpenter Boss... But I don't remember telling you to do that."
The Carpenter Boss looks dismayed. "WHAT? SOMEONE told me to do it, and SOMEONE owes me money!"
"He's getting VIOLENT!" Zelda shrieks. "IMPAA!"
Impa walks up to the Carpenter Boss and punches him in the face, knocking him out cold. "Get'm outta here," she says.
The guards grab the Carpenter Boss's unconscious body, and drag him back outside the castle.
Link stares at his wife with eyes bugging out. "Wasn't that a bit... EXTREME, dear?"
"Extreme? Dear me, no."
Impa brushes off her pants and reads off the next name on the list. "Our next visitor is Big Brother Darunia of the Gorons, Sworn Brother of the King of Hyrule, bearing wedding gifts for you."
"Cool," Link grins.
Darunia walks in, with two other Gorons and his son, Little Link.
"Why, if it isn't the brave leader of the Gorons! Welcome, Brother Darunia." Zelda says, curtsying.
"Good day, your highness. YO BROTHER!" Darunia grins at Link, giving him a thumbs-up.
"Um... HI DARUNIA!" Link says with a little too much exaggeration.
"HI BROTHER!" Little Link grins.
"Um... HI LITTLE LINK!" Link says, with a LOT too much exaggeration.
"We come bringing gifts for the happy couple!" Darunia grins, whistling. The other two Gorons hand over large packages wrapped with the finest in Goron wrapping paper.
"Well, isn't that special?" Link coos.
Link takes one box, and Zelda takes the other.
Link unwraps his to find... a rock.
Zelda unwraps hers to find... a bigger rock.
"Oh gee... thank you." Zelda sighs.
"Um, yeah... they're wonderful." Link sighs, too.
Darunia grins like an idiot. "YOU'RE WELCOME!"
Then the Gorons leave.
Impa rolls her eyes and steps forward to read the next name. "And now we have Nabooru and the Gerudo, here to ask you about something."
Ten scantily clad women enter the room, and Link's eyes get very, very big.
WOO HOO!
Suddenly, he hears whispering behind him. "PSSST! Hey, LINK!"
He turns around, and sees the familiar fuzzy face of Al the Spirit Cow behind the throne. Al is now wearing a Southwestern-style robe.
"Greetings, your majesty, your highness." Nabooru says, bowing.
Link tries to turn around and watch, but Al smacks him. "Come on! Listen to me! I have to talk to you!"
"But AL!" Link whines. "I'm missing the cleavage!"
"WHAT?" gasps Zelda, staring at him.
Link slowly turns around, to find the entire Royal Court staring at him.
"Um... I said... Leavage. LEAVAGE! You know, um... we should pay attention to the Gerudo, because they were nice enough to take leavage from the desert to come talk to us!" Link says quickly.
Zelda pauses, and stares at him. "Um... OK. But 'leavage' isn't a word."
"Oh. Silly me. Please continue, Nabooru."
Link turns around again, where Al is rolling his eyes. "Great save, Romeo."
"Shut up, Al. Now what do you want? I'm missing the Gerudo!"
"I am here to guide you, my friend. What have you learned so far about Zelda?"
"I'm busy, Al!" Link whines. "Can't this wait?"
"Link? Who is 'Al'?" Zelda asks him.
He spins around again, where Nabooru and her Gerudo entourage are looking rather annoyed.
"Um, sorry... I didn't say Al. I said... Pal."
"Why did you say that?" Zelda says angrily.
"I didn't." Link says.
Zelda rolls her eyes. "Sorry Nabooru, please continue now."
"It's all right, your highness. And we were wondering if perhaps, that would be all right with you."
Al is tapping the back of Link's chair. "Is this a good time for you?"
"NO!" Link screams.
Nabooru steps back. "Oh. Well, that's all right then. Just wondering."
"Wondering what?" asks Link.
"We were asking, Link, if we could move about 20 Gerudo into the castle as servants because we don't have enough room for them at the fortress. But you said no, so I guess that's all right. Thanks for your time," Nabooru bows and leads the Gerudo out of the throne room.
"D'OH!" Link screams, bonking his head with his fist. "NO! I WANT HOT SCANTILY CLAD GERUDOS IN THE CASTLE! I DO! I DO!"
"LIIINK!" Zelda shrieks.
"Sorry, sweetheart... But I only said that because... The Gerudo... are known... for their excellent looking -er, COOKING! Excellent cooking skills!"
Zelda rolls her eyes, and Link turns back around to see Al. But the mysterious Spirit Cow has vanished.
"I hate that cow..." Link says under his breath.
Zelda gasps. "I really hope I didn't hear you say what I think you said!"
"Oh, OH! Um, no, darling, I didn't say that..."
After what seems like an eternity, Critical Decision Making Hour comes to an end, and it's time for Link and Zelda to have lunch with King Zora and Princess Ruto back in the Royal Dining Room...
Which Link is extremely dreading, even if it is just a dream.
Link and Zelda move their chairs together on one side of the 20-foot table, and the servants and buglers and scroll dude all take their places as usual.
The buglers play a cadence, and the scroll guy steps forward.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY LUNCH HOUR IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL OF HIS HONORABLE, BELOVED, HAILED, AND ALL AROUND ROYAL GLORY, KING ZORA OF THE... ZORA! AND HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, IN ALL HER GRACEFUL, LOVELY, DIVINE, POLITE, AND ALL AROUND PRINCESSLY GLORY... PRINCESS RUTO OF THE ZORA!"
Princess Ruto walks in, and the buglers blow the Royal Family's theme song-
-Right in her ear.
She grabs her scaly head in pain, and strolls over to towards the table.
"ALL RIGHT! MOVE HIM IN!" she screams.
Twenty castle guards drag in a large wheeled platform, on top of which sits the overweight king of the Zora. They drag him over to the table, and Ruto takes a seat.
"Good afternoon, Queen Zelda." Ruto says. Then she glares at Link. "GOOD DAY, LINK!" she screams.
Zelda smiles and nods, and Link pulls on his collar nervously.
"Well! It's quite a lovely day today, isn't it?" Ruto smiles at Zelda. Then she looks at Link. "Juuuuust PEACHY!" she shrieks.
"Oh yes, sweetie, it IS a lovely day!" King Zora says.
"Oh yes Daddy! And it looks like soon will be the day I get MARRIED!" she screams, looking at Link again.
"That is true, Ruto dear. Next full moon I believe... that handsome young Zora from Termina!"
"Yes... HANDSOME young ZORA from TERMINA!" she screams at Link, glaring.
He gulps. "Well. It's... nice to hear that."
"Well, I thought that YOU would be HAPPY to hear that I'm MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE!" Ruto shrieks at him.
Zelda giggles. "Why yes... It's so lovely when two young people get married."
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" laughs Ruto. "Especially when it's two young people so very much in love... say... a ZORA GIRL and a HYLIAN HERO BOY?!?!?!?"
"I hear that your fiancé has booked you two a honeymoon at the Great Bay Hilton!" King Zora nods.
"Yes..." Ruto wails. "I wonder if he will DUMP ME FOR SOME SLEAZY HYLIAN GIRL!"
"Of course not!" King Zora laughs.
"That's right. My fiancé, my true love, anyone WORTHY OF BEING MY HUSBAND would NEVER DO THAT TO ME!" she sobs, staring at Link again.
He blushes and signals for a butler. "Um... yeah..."
Ruto immediately calms down once the waiter is at the table, but the second he leaves, she stirs her ice tea and starts up again.
"Hmmm... I hope my NEW HUSBAND doesn't think I'm TOO SAGE FOR HIM!"
"Oh, no, no. Link didn't care at all when we got married!" Zelda coos.
"Ix-nay on the arriage-may!" Link whispers, making a cutting motion across his throat.
Ruto giggles. "I hope my NEW HUSBAND is very sweet and never lies to me... I would hate to have to HURT HIM!"
Link gulps.
"So Zelda..." Ruto says coolly. "What kind of qualities do you look for in a MAN?"
"Well, I like handsome blond ones..." Zelda smiles. "Ones who aren't afraid of anything..."
"Especially COMMITMENT!" Ruto screams shrilly.
King Zora seems to be oblivious to his daughter's screaming. He slurps down three plates of appetizers, and then orders more.
"How about you, Ruto?" Zelda asks.
Ruto giggles. "Oh... I like blond ones too! Especially blonde ones with BLUE EYES... who like the COLOR GREEN and come from a very HUMBLE BACKGROUND... a FOREST maybe? Ones with a strong sense of RIGHTEOUSNESS and DUTY! And especially ones who KEEP THEIR PROMISES!"
Link blushes again.
"Or a big hot Zora!" Ruto giggles.
Lunch continues in much the same way, with Ruto screaming obvious slams about Link, Zelda completely naïve about what's going on between the two, and King Zora eating everything in sight.
Finally, it comes time for the Zora Royal Family to head home. Link and Zelda walk them to the doorway of the castle, and Ruto curtsies.
"Well, thank you for a delicious lunch!" she coos. "It was wonderful seeing you again, Zelda! Oh... and YOU TOO, LINK!"
"Uh, yeah... see ya, Ruto. Good luck with your new husband!" Link says.
"GOOD LUCK INDEED!" she shrieks. "Of course you'd say that... My current RECORD WITH MY FIANCES BEING AS IT IS!"
She glares at Link, then whistles and motions out the door. "ALL RIGHT GUYS! BRING HIM OUT!"
The twenty Hylian guards appear again, dragging King Zora out the door.
"Fare thee WEEEEEEELL!" he calls to the Royal Family of Hyrule.
"YES! FARE THEE VEEEEEEEEEERY WELL! YOU LYING, CHEATING @$$*%^&!" Ruto shrieks. "BYE ZELDA, DAAH-LING!"
Zelda waves goodbye. "Oh, it's so nice to see them again!"
"Yeah... real nice..." Link groans.
The afternoon rolls around, and it's time for the royal couple to head for the castle courtyard for croquet practice and a stroll through the garden until 5.
The second they reach the courtyard, a group of servants race out with piles upon piles of equipment and clothing. Some servants set out the croquet course, a few give the croquet mallets a fresh coat of paint, and some work on making brand new outdoor hats for the king and queen.
"Wait," says Link of the new green summer cap on his head. "I... already have three of these up in my room."
"Not anymore," laughs Zelda. "We destroy them after croquet practice every day!"
"Isn't that a little wasteful?" he asks.
"Of course not!"
Two servants hand the king and queen their mallets, and Impa walks up with the scorecard.
"CURRENT SCORE: LINK- 0! ZELDA- 0!" Impa screams to the servants, who clap.
"You first, Zelda." Impa says, bowing.
Zelda walks up to her pink ball, pulls back the mallet, and gives the ball a dainty tap. It rolls several feet through the first hoop and stops.
The servants all clap and whisper comments to each other.
Link grabs his mallet and is about to take a shot, when Impa screams, "CURRENT SCORE: LINK- 0! ZELDA- 1!"
Link rolls his eyes, pulls back the mallet, and gives the ball a mighty WHACK!-
Right into the brand new stained glass window being made in his likeness.
CRASH!
"D'OH!" he grunts.
"It's all right, sweetie!" Zelda laughs. "We can replace it!"
Link giggles nervously.
A servant runs back with the ball and places it at Link's feet. Impa steps forward again.
"CURRENT SCORE: LINK- -1! ZELDA- 1!"
Zelda gives her ball another tap, and it sails gently through the next two hoops.
On his next turn, Link desecrates another glass window and gives the head butler a severe concussion.
On her next turn, Zelda sends the ball through the next two hoops again, with enough time left to daintily wipe a bead of sweat off her face with a lace hanky.
On his turn after that, Link kills a pigeon.
"I think... I'd better not hit the ball anymore." Link sighs.
"Oh come now, dear! I'm sure you will get better!" Zelda laughs, smacking her ball through two more hoops.
Link shrugs, and places his ball back on the starting line. "OK, here we go..." he whispers.
Impa steps forward just as Link is about to hit it. "CURRENT SCORE: LINK- -478, ZELDA- 23! NEXT TURN GOES TO-"
WHACK!
Impa collapses to the ground, unconscious.
"Oops," says Link.
"Um... let's go for a stroll now, darling!" Zelda says, pulling him away from her unconscious attendant.
The Royal Garden has been finely attended to lately, and all the flowers are in full bloom. All sorts of animals from birds to squirrels to little frogs scamper through the fragrant green grass, and the air is sparkling clean.
"It's so beautiful here!" Zelda coos, spinning around with her arms out.
"Yeah... great..." Link sighs.
The couple walk through the garden a while longer, and suddenly, Zelda throws her arm out to point at something, whacking Link in the nose.
"Oh LOOK!" she giggles. "A happy little songbird!"
"OWWW!" Link whines, rubbing his nose.
Zelda races over to the bird, perched on a windowsill, and glances at it lovingly. "Hello little friend! Hello! Will you sing a song for me?"
The bird trills out a melody, which Zelda feels obliged to repeat.
Link holds his ears.
"Oh darling! Isn't he lovely?"
"Gorgeous," Link replies.
Zelda giggles and runs back to his side.
They walk for a while longer, and Zelda throws her arm out, whacking Link in the nose again. "OH LOOK! A darling little chipmunk!"
She races over to the chipmunk. "Hello little friend! Hello! Oh Link, isn't he cute?"
"THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ALL OVER THE WORLD!" Link mumbles, watching stars around his head from that last whack to the head.
"Is that a love sonnet that you are writing for me? Oh, how lovely!" she sighs. Then the Queen scampers off down a nearby path towards a fountain, singing all the way.
Link sighs and watches her run.
"AHEM!"
Link spins around and sees Al standing near the windowsill where the happy little songbird was.
"Now you have no excuse not to listen to me." Al snorts. "What's the matter?"
"Zelda just bopped me one looking at a 'darling little chipmunk!'" Link groans.
"Ah. She's perky, isn't she?"
"Perky and hyper-optimistic." Link grumbles.
Al nods. "Zelda is used to things being perfect for her, because she grew up as royalty. She doesn't like change, or things to be bad or dislikable."
"So I've noticed. And that's why she completely ignores the fact that I'm really... REALLY not that good at being civilized."
"She's in denial."
"So true," Link sighs. "And she needs singing lessons. But gosh, she's pretty."
"Remember, my son: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" Al says wisely.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Link asks.
"Well it means that... gosh... to tell you the truth, I don't know. But it's important for you to remember on your journey tonight. All of the girls are pretty..."
"Ruto isn't," Link shudders.
"Shut up, the cow is speaking here. I was SAYING that all of the girls are pretty, but it's not the looks, but how they act towards you that matters."
"This is starting to sound like a really, really bad children's book." Link sighs.
"LINK! Where did you go? It's almost time for our royal banquet!" Zelda shrieks.
"Oh good grief... If I have to even SMELL one more piece of food that came out of that kitchen..."
"You will." Al laughs. "Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention something."
"What?" asks Link quickly. "Is it important?"
"Sort of," Al says. "I forgot to mention that..."
Suddenly, Zelda skips back into the area of the garden where Link and Al are talking. Link immediately spins towards her, and Al vanishes.
"Oh, hi darling!" he coos exaggeratedly.
"HI BABY!" she coos back. "Come on! It's time for our royal dinner!"
Within minutes, Link has been dragged up to his room, changed into royal banquet clothes, and rushed back downstairs to the grand dining hall to await the guests of the banquet, who happen to be visitors from some other kingdom that Link's never even heard of but it supposed to be nice to anyway.
What could Al have forgotten to mention? Link asks himself as he waits for the guests to arrive.
Suddenly, the bugle players run into position, the dude with the scroll shows up again, and all of the servants gather in a big circle around the dining table.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS EVENING IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... VISITING ALL THE WAY FROM SHAYKEYABÜTYSTAN, THE HANDSOME, WEALTHY, BELOVED, REVERED, AND ALL-AROUND WELL-LIKED KING BEEGEE! ALONG WITH HIS FAIR, BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, AND ALL-AROUND MAGNIFICENT QUEEN ELLAFITZGERALD!"
The servants all scream and clap and cheer, only before realizing that they've never happened to have heard of the small kingdom of Shaykeyabütystan. (Population 1,032: located on the sunny Earthwyndnfyre Peninsula, whose chief exports include rubber pants and cat food, and birthplace of some of the finest disco musicians ever to have walked the earth.)
The royal family of Shaykeyabütystan enters the dining hallway, only to be met with a blazing bugle cadence-
-Right in their ears.
The good king Beegee is a tall, skinny man, with a black beard and goatee. His lovely wife Ellafitzgerald is a rather plump woman with curly red hair.
The Shaykeyabütystanian Royal Family has a seat at the table, and the first thing the king says is, "WHY ARE THESE CHAIRS SO HARD?"
"Well, it's nice to meet you too." Link grumbles.
"Good evening!" Zelda squeals with all of the flourish she can muster.
"Daah-ling, I wonder whot we're HAAAAVING for deeeenner!" Queen Ellafitzgerald says in a pompous voice.
"I'm sure it will be nasty," says King Beegee. He stares at Link. "So... YOU'RE the King of Hyrule?"
"I sure am," Link says smugly.
The King stares at Link for a second, then raises a bushy eyebrow. "My goodness, Queen Zelda... Where did you dig THIS one up?"
Link's eye bug out, and Zelda just giggles. "Oh King Beegee! You and the Shaykeyabütystanian Royal Family were always so funny!"
"ZELDAA!" Link whines. "He just made fun of me!"
"Oh, don't be silly darling!" Zelda giggles.
"What's... with the hat?" asks the honorable King Beegee of Shaykeyabütystan.
"This is my favorite hat, thank you very much." Link says, annoyed.
"Good grief, Zelda. You turned down our arranged marriage for THIS? I'm so much sexier!" King Beegee chuckles.
WHACK!
That was Queen Ellafitzgerald's heavy purse whacking her hubby in the back of the head. "Why CHARLES! Don't you DAAAARE tolk about before we were MAAARRIED!"
"Sorry, darling..." King Beegee whines, rubbing the back of his head. "So, what's on the menu tonight?"
"Baked Keese Snot Omelet!" Zelda grins. Link gags.
"AH! The rare Hylian delicacy!" King Beegee chuckles. "I wonder if they EVER ate anything as refined as that where your King Link grew up..."
WHACK!
That was Link smacking Queen Ellafitzgerald's heavy purse into the back of King Beegee's head. "Shut up!"
"Why Link, he's just kidding!" Zelda giggles. "Isn't he charming?"
Link almost laughs.
King Beegee stares angrily at Link. "So... Lunk."
"Link."
"Whatever. Where exactly... DID you grow up?"
"Kokiri."
"The FOREST?" King Beegee laughs. "Oh you've GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Zelda, you dumped me for a FOREST FAIRY!?"
"A sweet and lovable and really, really cute Forest Fairy!" Zelda says lovingly. Then she grabs Link by the face and pulls him into a long kiss.
King Beegee watches disgustedly, and Link eyes him smugly.
Zelda stops, giggles shyly, and turns back to Queen Ellafitzgerald and King Beegee.
"Booyah," Link says, sticking his tongue out at him.
King Beegee looks furious.
A while later, Link, Zelda, Beegee and Ellafitzgerald are all hard at work on their baked Keese Snot omelets... Well, at least Zelda, Beegee and Ellafitzgerald are. Link is staring at it and trying not to throw up.
"Tell me, Queen Ellafitzgerald..." Link says, pushing away his plate. "In order for something to be a delicacy, just how gross does it have to be?"
"Why of COUUUUURSE, it has to be GROOOOOOSS enough so that noooo oother person in their right mind would EEEEVER eat it!" Queen Ellafitzgerald giggles.
"I see that now..." Link says, his eyes wide at the tasty-looking (AHEM-not!-AHEM) dish of Octorok Ala King the head butler has just set on the table.
"Why, aren't you hungry dear?" asks Zelda, slurping down the chicken fried dish.
"Um... no. Not THAT hungry," he chuckles weakly.
Dinner progresses fairly normally (even with Link's gagging and King Beegee's constant insults) when suddenly, everything goes crazy.
Impa races into the dining hall, screaming. "YOUR HIGHNESSES! YOUR HIGHNESSES! An enemy has attacked the castle!"
"OOOOH NOOOOOO!" Queen Ellafitzgerald shrieks.
"OOOOH CRAAAAP!" King Beegee shrieks.
"OOOOH DEEEEAR!" Zelda shrieks.
"OOOOH... well, so what?" asks Link, shrugging.
Suddenly, Zelda is surrounded by a pinkish crystal of solid magic glass.
"HUH?" she gasps.
"Zelda!" Link cries.
Then, the crystal lifts up into the air and disappears with Zelda inside, screaming her head off.
A sinister voice rings through the room. "IF YOU WANT TO SAVE ZELDA, COME TO MY NEW CASTLE IN THE HAUNTED WASTELAND! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! ~LOVE, GANONDORF"
"OH NO!" Link shrieks. "Where's my sword? Where's the MASTER SWORD!? I gotta go save her!"
"Whaddya, nuts?" Impa yells. "You can't go save her!"
"Why not?" asks Link.
"Yeah, why not?" asks King Beegee.
"Because, stupid. You're the king! You can't go out and risk your life for your queen!"
"Why not?" asks Link.
"Yeah, why NOOOOOOT?" asks Queen Ellafitzgerald.
Impa rolls her eyes. "Because then Hyrule would be without a king, and everything would get ruined. What kind of a king runs out to save the day when someone is in trouble? NO KIND OF KING DOES THAT! Your job is to sit inside and rule things, and then when the Hero of Time fails, you run around shrieking 'OH CRAP! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!'"
"You're kidding me. I can't go save the world? But I'm the Hero of Time!" Link cries.
"Don't you remember, your majesty? You turned in your Hero of Time title when you got inaugurated." Impa shrugs. "We'll have to call the new Hero of Time."
"NEW HERO OF TIME?" Link gasps.
Suddenly, there is a flash of light and the NEW hero of time shows up.
"Reporting for duty, your majesty!" yells Mido, wearing an exact replica of Link's clothes, with all of his old weapons and even the Master Sword.
"You have GOT to be joking." Link says to Impa angrily.
"Of course not. We figured the best replacement for Hero of Time would come from the Kokiri Forest as well. And this boy here turned out to be the best."
"But MIDO? Are you sure there was no better person for the job than MIDO?!"
"Bet your @$$, your majesty." Mido says with a mock salute.
"BUT I HAAAATE MIDO!" Link wails. "HE CAN'T HAVE MY JOB! HE CAN'T HAVE IT, HE CAN'T HAVE IT, HE CAN'T! I WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAVE THE WORLD!"
"Should have thought of that before you married Zelda." King Beegee shrugs.
"I HAVE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!" Link squeals. "I AM IN A BAD ENOUGH MOOD ALREADY! I HAVEN'T EATEN ANY REAL FOOD ALL DAY, I'VE RECEIVED A DEATH THREAT FROM A ZORA PRINCESS, MY WIFE HAS JUST BEEN KIDNAPPED, AND I'VE JUST LOST THE COOLEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
"Well, I'm off to save the day now." Mido says, waddling out of the dining room and heading for Ganondorf's lair.
Link is almost pulling his hair out in frustration.
"Maybe we'd better be going..." King Beegee says, grabbing his wife and stepping slowly towards the door, keeping an eye on the enraged King of Hyrule. "COME ON! HURRY, DARLING!"
They both shoot off towards their private coach out front that will whisk them back to Shaykeyabütystan.
As they race out the door, the buglers play yet another blaring loud cadence-
-Right in King Beegee's ear.
"OWWW!" he wails, just before scampering out the palace door again.
A long time passes... Link stands in the throne room, pacing back and forth... back and forth... back and forth...
"I hate it when she goes out like this..." he whines.
"Calm down," Impa says soothingly. "Mido is out looking for her."
"That's what I'm afraid of." Link murmurs.
"What, you don't trust him?"
"You're talking about the kid who had a reputation for being able to belch the alphabet back when we were kids..." Link sighs. "Of course I don't trust him."
Link continues pacing back and forth... back and forth...
"Cut it out, your majesty! You're making me dizzy!" Impa whines.
Suddenly, the king and his bodyguard hear a door slam, and Zelda (a little scratched up but otherwise perfectly fine) strolls casually into the room.
"DARLING!" Link cries, racing into her arms.
"Good evening, dear..." Zelda sighs.
"I've missed you terribly!" Link wails.
"I know," she sighs.
"What's the matter?" asks Impa.
"Mido got eaten by Ganon... But not to worry. He gave him such a bad stomachache, it forced him to run back to the Sacred Realm and lock himself in to cure the pain."
"Hooray!" Link cheers.
"Oh, but there is one thing..." Zelda says softly.
"What's that?" asks Link.
"PSSST! HEY LINK!" whispers a voice.
"Just a minute darling," Link says, turning around to see Al standing by the throne.
"WHAT is it now, Al?"
"Check the time, smart guy." Al says.
Link looks at a clock on the wall. It's 5:59!
"5:59! That means I only have one minute left until..."
"UNTIL YOU DIE!" shrieks Zelda.
Impa screams, and Link spins around to see Zelda, eyes glowing evilly, holding up a deadly loaded crossbow.
"WHOA NOW!" Link yelps, jumping backwards. "Let's talk about this, Zelly..."
"This is what I forgot to tell you!" Al sighs, shaking his head.
"WHAT?" Link gasps.
"Royal wives are often kidnapped, and can be brainwashed against you by evil sorcerers," Al scolds. "I thought you would have known that."
Zelda speaks, but this time in a deep and scary voice. "How do you like my wedding present, Link? An assassin bride! ~ Love, Ganondorf."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" shrieks Link.
Zelda laughs wickedly and prepares to pull the trigger, when suddenly...
The floor disappeared right underneath Link, and he was falling!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-"
WHAM!
"-OWWWWWWW!" Link groans, standing up and popping a crick in his neck.
He's back on top of the Mystic Pyramid of the Spirit Guides in the Sprit Realm. Al stands in front of him, knitting a sock. He's still wearing his southwestern spirit robe.
"Well. How was your trip being King for a day?" asks Al, very pleased with himself.
"HORRIBLE!" Link screams, checking to make sure all his weapons are there. "I didn't know I had to give up my JOB to be the King!"
"Well, it's true. You don't see the President of the United States out there actually FIGHTING in the wars, do you?"
"But I at least thought home life as a king would be good!" Link whines. "What was up with all that disgusting food?"
Al mimicked Zelda's voice perfectly. "It's a delicacy!"
"Just cause you're rich and powerful doesn't mean you have to eat THAT!" Link snaps. "And well... I don't think I'm quite the right type to be the KING of Hyrule..."
"Maybe, maybe. But enough about your lifestyle. How was Zelda?"
"She was great," Link sighs. "But that kidnapping thing could definitely have an impact on our love life... And I wouldn't marry her if it meant I have to go through THAT everyday!"
"What?" asks Al. "The kidnapping and the banquets and the getting along with people you don't like and the loud bugle cadences?"
"NO! THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY POP-TARTS!" Link wails. "I CAN'T LIVE IN A LIFE WITHOUT POP-TARTS!"
Al nods. "See? This is the kind of stuff you're supposed to find out in a spiritual journey."
"Heyyy..." says Link as he scratches his chin. "Could I marry Zelda and then not be the King?"
"Zelda's the only heir to the throne, you dork. Hyrule needs a king. Don't be so selfish," Al scolds.
"It was just an idea..." Link sighs.
"Have a seat, my son..." Al says, putting away his knitting. "It is time for me to philosophize..."
Link has a seat, and watches a few magic Spirit Realm tumbleweeds tumble by the base of the pyramid.
"Hey, where'd the robe come from?" asks Link.
"I found it in my closet while you were gone," Al says quietly.
They sit in silence for a few seconds, and Link speaks.
"So Zelda is a no," Link says.
"Don't be so sudden, my son. If you jump to conclusions about things, things shall cause your conclusions to jump you." Al says wisely.
"What the heck does that mean?" asks Link.
"For all you know, life with Zelda could be the BEST!" Al says. "All the rest of them could be even more abysmal than this one."
"I hope not," Link shudders.
"Now shut up. I'm philosophizing." Al closes his eyes and mutters a few things. "When you marry someone, you should not always choose the richest and the most powerful. Because often the truly richest one with the most power is actually quite poor and weak. But riches and power can also be found in the heart, you remember."
"Hmm... yeah, I guess..." Link sighs.
"I believe our next girl fits that description quite well. Though she is poor and humble, she has quite a strong heart."
Suddenly, a bright red ring of light surrounds Link. "WHOA!" he gasps. "Another scenario already?"
"I have said what I needed to remind you of before you set out," Al says. "Wow... that was fast," Link says.
Al's Magical Spirit Screen of Datingness appears next to him, and the
magic spirit cow stands up and pulls out a microphone and some cue cards.
"Our next girl hails from her father's ranch in the center of Hyrule Field... An animal lover of all types and a budding young conservationist, Bachelorette #2 likes ice cream, going for a ride through the countryside, and getting caught in the rain. Please say hello to..."
The girl's picture flashes onscreen as Al reads her name.
"MALON LON-LON!"
"Hey, I like her! She's cute!" Link grins.
"Remember what I said about beauty..." Al warns.
"It's all right, Al. Malon is no way near as rich as Zelda. Life with her should be simple, and probably a lot more relaxing than running the country!"
Al snickers.
Link's confident look melts away. "... Right?"
"I guess you'll see for yourself," says Al, pulling a small lever next to the screen.
Link once again begins to rise up towards the sky, with all sorts of wongo spirit visions around him. Tumbleweeds, cacti, and all sorts of desert life: tortoises, lizards, roadrunners, coyotes...
Suddenly, the images melt into several very clear, very serene pictures. The first showing a happy young couple riding their horses through a field... the second showing the same couple sitting in a field of flowers singing... and the third showing a wedding under the stars...
Then without warning...
WHAM!
by Galaxy Girl and Saridaru-Chan
A/N: This chapter was written by Galaxy Girl, and is dedicated to all of you Link/Zelda shippers out there. No offense need be taken. It IS a comedy, after all.
~*~*~*~*~*~* Chapter Two: Zelda *~*~*~*~*~*~
When Link regains consciousness, he finds himself in a beautiful, ultra-deluxe bedroom, better than any fancy hotel he has ever seen.
"Wowee!" he gasps, staring at the gold-plated everything and the fluffy pink canopy over the bed.
A sleeping figure is next to him, with golden blonde hair in pink pajamas.
"I'd better not wake her up quite yet," says Link of his make-believe wife.
He stands up groggily, and stumbles over to the balcony door. Link's eyes pop out to see that he is in the tallest tower of Hyrule Castle.
"Oh WOW!" he says in awe. "This is INCREDIBLE! Look at me! I have the biggest freakin' house in all of Hyrule!"
Then it suddenly hits him.
"Wait a sec... If I married Zelda, then... I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" he shrieks in joy. "I'M IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE FREAKIN' WORLD! AAHAAHAHAHHAAA! Scha-WEET!"
The overjoyed Link throws on his fancy royal tunic straight from the royal wardrobe and strolls happily down twelve flights of stairs, into the main hall of the gigantic castle.
The walls are made of beautiful solid marble, and ornate tapestries and murals span the corridors. Everywhere you look was the symbol of the Triforce. Servants and butlers and maids, ALL under Link's command, race back and forth through the many chambers of the castle.
"I'M KING OF THE WORLD BABY, YEAH!" he squeals.
Several servants stare at him worriedly.
"Do think it's much gone to his head?" asks a cook to a chambermaid.
Suddenly, Link realizes that he is totally lost.
"Um... excuse me," he says to a nearby guard.
"Yes, your majesty?"
"Which way to the kitchen? I need me some chow."
The guard raises an eyebrow. "You mean the dining room, your majesty. It's down that hall."
Link nods a thank you, and races down the corridors to the grand dining room, that looks grander than any dining room he's ever seen.
"This is SO AWESOME!" he grins.
As he steps in the door, two Royal bugle players race to attention on either side of him. Another servant rushes in with a scroll.
Suddenly, there is a scrambling of feet, and every single servant in the palace rushes into the dining hall, stands near the wall in a big clump, and stares at Link.
The servant with the scroll steps forward, and the bugle players squeak out a cadence-
-Right in Link's ear.
He winces, and the guy with the scroll unrolls it. "PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY MORNING IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL HIS ALL-HIGH, BELOVED, WORSHIPPED, ADORED, REVERED, AND ALL-AROUND WELL-LIKED MAJESTY, KING LINK OF HYRUUUUULE!"
The servants all cheer loudly, throwing off their hats and kneeling.
"That's cool," says Link, whose ears are still ringing from the bugles.
He walks into the dining hall and takes a seat in the throne at the end of the 20-foot table.
All of the servants remain near the wall, kneeling.
"Um, at ease?" yells Link.
They all stand up, and stay where they are, watching his every move.
A butler runs to take his breakfast orders.
"Good morning, your majesty. Her highness Queen Zelda shall be here momentarily. What can I get you for breakfast?"
"Strawberry Pop-Tarts, please. The kind with the sprinkles," he answers, grinning like an idiot.
The butler looks taken aback. "... Pop... Tarts?"
"Yeah, what's wrong?"
"We don't have 'Pop-Tarts'..." the butler says, as if the words are poisonous.
"Whaddya mean you don't have Pop-Tarts?" Link asks, freaking out. "Then what do you have?"
"The Royal Breakfast is a special omelet," the butler replies.
"Eh, fine. But I can't believe we don't have Pop-Tarts!" he sighs.
The butler scampers off.
Link stares around at the hundreds of servants, watching his every move.
"Excuse me... WHAT are you doing?" he asks them.
"We are watching you in all your all-high, beloved, worshipped, adored, revered, and all-around well-liked majesty, your majesty," a maid answers.
"Well STOP IT! I feel like I'm an animal in a zoo, here! Quit watching me!"
The servants all kneel down and bow to the floor again.
"Uh, no, no, no, I said stop that."
They all stand up and watch him again.
"NO! Stop! Don't watch me!"
They kneel again.
"All right, all right, just... go find something to clean, all of you!" he groans.
The servants all go running off, leaving Link alone in the giant dining room.
Link stares at the 20 forks set side-by-side next to the plate, and examines several other strange pieces of tableware.
"... What do they need 20 forks for?" he asks.
A maid rushes out with a pot of fresh coffee, and Link pours himself a giant cup.
"Where's the paper?" he asks.
"GET THE KING HIS PAPER!" shrieks the maid, amazingly high-pitched and right in Link's ear.
"... Ow..." he squeaks.
"Will that be all for you, sire?"
"Um, yeah..." he says.
The maid leaves, and Link hears footsteps coming up the hallway. The Royal bugle players and the dude with the scroll rush in, and Link knows that his make-believe wife has just woken up.
All of the servants reappear against the wall, and Link groans.
There is a bugle cadence, and the scroll guy steps forward.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY MORNING HERE IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL HER GRACEFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY, HEAVENLY, DAZZLING, AND ALL-AROUND GORGEOUS GLORY... QUEEN ZELDA OF HYRULE!"
The servants all cheer loudly, throwing off their hats and kneeling again.
Link decides the best thing to do would be to welcome his wife into the room, so he rushes to the door.
"Good morning, darling..." he begins, and Zelda enters the room.
"AAAAAAGGGGHHH!" he shrieks.
Zelda appears with her hair all up in curlers, a mud mask slathered all over her face, pouring herself a pot of coffee with huge, ugly bags under her eyes in a tattered bathrobe.
"WHAT'S-A MATTER?" she says in a whiny voice.
"Oh, sorry darling... I just... didn't expect you to look so... so..." Link stutters.
Ugly?
"... GORGEOUS this glorious morning!" he finishes, trying not to cringe.
He takes her by the dainty, freshly-nail polished hand and leads her to her seat at the table, all the way across from his.
Then he runs back to his seat and takes a deep breath, relieved that he doesn't have to look at her through breakfast.
A butler runs to her and takes her breakfast order, and then Queen Zelda snaps her fingers.
"MAKE-UP!" she yells.
A swarm of maids with all sorts of make-up and powders and combs and gels rush up to Zelda, and seconds later, she looks like her normal, beautiful self.
Link suddenly wishes that their seats were closer together.
A servant takes away the tattered bathrobe, and Zelda is dressed in her royal clothes again.
"GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE!" she screams across the table in her normal voice.
"UH... GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO, DEAR!" he screams back.
"WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY, DARLING?" she screams.
"UH... I DON'T KNOW!" he screams back. "WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR ATTENDANT?"
"GOOD IDEA!" she screams. "IMPAAA!"
The well-built Sheikah woman walks into the dining room, and Link can't help but stare at her very revealing body-armor. He had always had a crush on her... heh heh...
"Good morning, Zelda." Impa says. Then she turns towards Link's end of the table. "GOOD MORNING, LINK!" she screams.
"GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO, IMPA!"
"Impa," asks Zelda, taking a sip of her coffee. "What are we going to do today?"
"Well," Impa replies, checking the Queen's schedule. "After breakfast it's 'critical-decision-making-hour', and at 12 you've got an important luncheon meeting with King Zora and the Princess Ruto... at 3 you and the King have croquet practice and stroll through the garden, and at 5 there's a banquet."
"Sounds good," says Zelda. "Oh, I've got a list of things for you to do today too, Impa."
She hands the Sheikah woman a 4-foot long list of demands.
"Well first of all I need you to mend my favorite white dress, the Royal Seal on it is starting to unravel, you know... and then you have to iron all my dresses in my closet sections A, B, C, D, E, G, H, I, J, and K, but NOT F! Don't iron those ones, they can't be ironed... And then you have to polish the Triforce, make sure Link and my croquets mallets are freshly painted... fix that leaky faucet in my bathroom of third floor, dust the dungeons, change my sheets, make my bed, iron the curtains, wash my clothes, wash Link's clothes, call up the Sages and cancel that Sage meeting on the 9th... Oh! And WALK MY CAT!"
Impa groans. "Yes, Zelda."
After what seems like hours, the butler brings out two plates of a delicious-looking omelet.
Zelda daintily tucks her napkin in her lap, picks up a random fork out of the 20, and starts eating tiny nibbles.
Link stuffs his napkin down his shirt, grabs a spoon, and starts shoveling food in his mouth like a bulldozer.
Zelda's eyes are wide open.
"Link! You're chewing with your mouth open!"
She squints. "I... think."
"THIS STUFF IS GREAT!" Link yells to his wife. "I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK SPECKS AND THE CRUNCHY THINGS! WHAT ARE THOSE?"
"WHY, DON'T YOU KNOW? THE BLACK STUFF IS ZORA CAVIAR, AND THE CRUNCHY THINGS ARE ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS!"
Link's eyes pop open, and he spits the contents of his mouth all over the floor. "BLEAH! BLEAH! OH, DISGUST! I THINK I'M GONNA HURL! HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT STUFF?"
"IT'S A DELICACY!" Zelda screams.
But Link can't hear her, because he's off looking for the royal little boys' room.
Servants line the hallways as the royal couple stroll down the corridors to the throne room after breakfast. Link still looks a little green.
"Your majesty!"
"Your highness!"
"You're both looking wonderful today, your graces!"
Link rolls his eyes at the servant's compliments, but Zelda smiles gracefully and gives a Queen Elizabethan-style wave.
"Hello! Good morning! Good morning! It's a pleasure to see you ALL!" she coos.
"Why won't they go away? They were watching us all through breakfast, too." Link grumbles.
"They like to observe their betters being better than them, darling." Zelda replies crisply.
They reach the throne room, and Link and Zelda both takes seats in the ornately decorated thrones at the far end of a red carpet.
Impa enters the room with a long scroll, and stands next to Zelda's throne to perform her bodyguarding duties, as well as to introduce the guests in the court today.
"All right, what are we doing now?" asks Link.
"It's Critical Decision Making Hour," Zelda explains. "This is when everyone comes into the castle to whine to us about their problems, and we have to decide what to do."
Impa unrolls the scroll and reads off of it loudly. "Your first visitor today highnesses, is the Carpenter Boss of Kakariko Village."
The Carpenter Boss strolls in, and bows to the Royal Family. "Your majesty, your highness."
"Welcome to the palace," Zelda says cheerfully. "What is it that you seek from us?"
"Well, your loveliness..." the Carpenter Boss says sheepishly. "My men and I were wondering... when we would get our paychecks."
"For what?" asks Link.
"For repairing the village of Kakariko," the Carpenter Boss replies, as if stating the obvious. "You see, we were hired to add on to the village, and to build houses in the village, and... well, we haven't been paid yet."
Zelda frowns. "I'm sorry, Mr. ... Mr. ..."
"Boss, your highness. Carpenter Boss."
"I'm sorry Mr. Carpenter Boss... But I don't remember telling you to do that."
The Carpenter Boss looks dismayed. "WHAT? SOMEONE told me to do it, and SOMEONE owes me money!"
"He's getting VIOLENT!" Zelda shrieks. "IMPAA!"
Impa walks up to the Carpenter Boss and punches him in the face, knocking him out cold. "Get'm outta here," she says.
The guards grab the Carpenter Boss's unconscious body, and drag him back outside the castle.
Link stares at his wife with eyes bugging out. "Wasn't that a bit... EXTREME, dear?"
"Extreme? Dear me, no."
Impa brushes off her pants and reads off the next name on the list. "Our next visitor is Big Brother Darunia of the Gorons, Sworn Brother of the King of Hyrule, bearing wedding gifts for you."
"Cool," Link grins.
Darunia walks in, with two other Gorons and his son, Little Link.
"Why, if it isn't the brave leader of the Gorons! Welcome, Brother Darunia." Zelda says, curtsying.
"Good day, your highness. YO BROTHER!" Darunia grins at Link, giving him a thumbs-up.
"Um... HI DARUNIA!" Link says with a little too much exaggeration.
"HI BROTHER!" Little Link grins.
"Um... HI LITTLE LINK!" Link says, with a LOT too much exaggeration.
"We come bringing gifts for the happy couple!" Darunia grins, whistling. The other two Gorons hand over large packages wrapped with the finest in Goron wrapping paper.
"Well, isn't that special?" Link coos.
Link takes one box, and Zelda takes the other.
Link unwraps his to find... a rock.
Zelda unwraps hers to find... a bigger rock.
"Oh gee... thank you." Zelda sighs.
"Um, yeah... they're wonderful." Link sighs, too.
Darunia grins like an idiot. "YOU'RE WELCOME!"
Then the Gorons leave.
Impa rolls her eyes and steps forward to read the next name. "And now we have Nabooru and the Gerudo, here to ask you about something."
Ten scantily clad women enter the room, and Link's eyes get very, very big.
WOO HOO!
Suddenly, he hears whispering behind him. "PSSST! Hey, LINK!"
He turns around, and sees the familiar fuzzy face of Al the Spirit Cow behind the throne. Al is now wearing a Southwestern-style robe.
"Greetings, your majesty, your highness." Nabooru says, bowing.
Link tries to turn around and watch, but Al smacks him. "Come on! Listen to me! I have to talk to you!"
"But AL!" Link whines. "I'm missing the cleavage!"
"WHAT?" gasps Zelda, staring at him.
Link slowly turns around, to find the entire Royal Court staring at him.
"Um... I said... Leavage. LEAVAGE! You know, um... we should pay attention to the Gerudo, because they were nice enough to take leavage from the desert to come talk to us!" Link says quickly.
Zelda pauses, and stares at him. "Um... OK. But 'leavage' isn't a word."
"Oh. Silly me. Please continue, Nabooru."
Link turns around again, where Al is rolling his eyes. "Great save, Romeo."
"Shut up, Al. Now what do you want? I'm missing the Gerudo!"
"I am here to guide you, my friend. What have you learned so far about Zelda?"
"I'm busy, Al!" Link whines. "Can't this wait?"
"Link? Who is 'Al'?" Zelda asks him.
He spins around again, where Nabooru and her Gerudo entourage are looking rather annoyed.
"Um, sorry... I didn't say Al. I said... Pal."
"Why did you say that?" Zelda says angrily.
"I didn't." Link says.
Zelda rolls her eyes. "Sorry Nabooru, please continue now."
"It's all right, your highness. And we were wondering if perhaps, that would be all right with you."
Al is tapping the back of Link's chair. "Is this a good time for you?"
"NO!" Link screams.
Nabooru steps back. "Oh. Well, that's all right then. Just wondering."
"Wondering what?" asks Link.
"We were asking, Link, if we could move about 20 Gerudo into the castle as servants because we don't have enough room for them at the fortress. But you said no, so I guess that's all right. Thanks for your time," Nabooru bows and leads the Gerudo out of the throne room.
"D'OH!" Link screams, bonking his head with his fist. "NO! I WANT HOT SCANTILY CLAD GERUDOS IN THE CASTLE! I DO! I DO!"
"LIIINK!" Zelda shrieks.
"Sorry, sweetheart... But I only said that because... The Gerudo... are known... for their excellent looking -er, COOKING! Excellent cooking skills!"
Zelda rolls her eyes, and Link turns back around to see Al. But the mysterious Spirit Cow has vanished.
"I hate that cow..." Link says under his breath.
Zelda gasps. "I really hope I didn't hear you say what I think you said!"
"Oh, OH! Um, no, darling, I didn't say that..."
After what seems like an eternity, Critical Decision Making Hour comes to an end, and it's time for Link and Zelda to have lunch with King Zora and Princess Ruto back in the Royal Dining Room...
Which Link is extremely dreading, even if it is just a dream.
Link and Zelda move their chairs together on one side of the 20-foot table, and the servants and buglers and scroll dude all take their places as usual.
The buglers play a cadence, and the scroll guy steps forward.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS TUESDAY LUNCH HOUR IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... IN ALL OF HIS HONORABLE, BELOVED, HAILED, AND ALL AROUND ROYAL GLORY, KING ZORA OF THE... ZORA! AND HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, IN ALL HER GRACEFUL, LOVELY, DIVINE, POLITE, AND ALL AROUND PRINCESSLY GLORY... PRINCESS RUTO OF THE ZORA!"
Princess Ruto walks in, and the buglers blow the Royal Family's theme song-
-Right in her ear.
She grabs her scaly head in pain, and strolls over to towards the table.
"ALL RIGHT! MOVE HIM IN!" she screams.
Twenty castle guards drag in a large wheeled platform, on top of which sits the overweight king of the Zora. They drag him over to the table, and Ruto takes a seat.
"Good afternoon, Queen Zelda." Ruto says. Then she glares at Link. "GOOD DAY, LINK!" she screams.
Zelda smiles and nods, and Link pulls on his collar nervously.
"Well! It's quite a lovely day today, isn't it?" Ruto smiles at Zelda. Then she looks at Link. "Juuuuust PEACHY!" she shrieks.
"Oh yes, sweetie, it IS a lovely day!" King Zora says.
"Oh yes Daddy! And it looks like soon will be the day I get MARRIED!" she screams, looking at Link again.
"That is true, Ruto dear. Next full moon I believe... that handsome young Zora from Termina!"
"Yes... HANDSOME young ZORA from TERMINA!" she screams at Link, glaring.
He gulps. "Well. It's... nice to hear that."
"Well, I thought that YOU would be HAPPY to hear that I'm MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE!" Ruto shrieks at him.
Zelda giggles. "Why yes... It's so lovely when two young people get married."
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" laughs Ruto. "Especially when it's two young people so very much in love... say... a ZORA GIRL and a HYLIAN HERO BOY?!?!?!?"
"I hear that your fiancé has booked you two a honeymoon at the Great Bay Hilton!" King Zora nods.
"Yes..." Ruto wails. "I wonder if he will DUMP ME FOR SOME SLEAZY HYLIAN GIRL!"
"Of course not!" King Zora laughs.
"That's right. My fiancé, my true love, anyone WORTHY OF BEING MY HUSBAND would NEVER DO THAT TO ME!" she sobs, staring at Link again.
He blushes and signals for a butler. "Um... yeah..."
Ruto immediately calms down once the waiter is at the table, but the second he leaves, she stirs her ice tea and starts up again.
"Hmmm... I hope my NEW HUSBAND doesn't think I'm TOO SAGE FOR HIM!"
"Oh, no, no. Link didn't care at all when we got married!" Zelda coos.
"Ix-nay on the arriage-may!" Link whispers, making a cutting motion across his throat.
Ruto giggles. "I hope my NEW HUSBAND is very sweet and never lies to me... I would hate to have to HURT HIM!"
Link gulps.
"So Zelda..." Ruto says coolly. "What kind of qualities do you look for in a MAN?"
"Well, I like handsome blond ones..." Zelda smiles. "Ones who aren't afraid of anything..."
"Especially COMMITMENT!" Ruto screams shrilly.
King Zora seems to be oblivious to his daughter's screaming. He slurps down three plates of appetizers, and then orders more.
"How about you, Ruto?" Zelda asks.
Ruto giggles. "Oh... I like blond ones too! Especially blonde ones with BLUE EYES... who like the COLOR GREEN and come from a very HUMBLE BACKGROUND... a FOREST maybe? Ones with a strong sense of RIGHTEOUSNESS and DUTY! And especially ones who KEEP THEIR PROMISES!"
Link blushes again.
"Or a big hot Zora!" Ruto giggles.
Lunch continues in much the same way, with Ruto screaming obvious slams about Link, Zelda completely naïve about what's going on between the two, and King Zora eating everything in sight.
Finally, it comes time for the Zora Royal Family to head home. Link and Zelda walk them to the doorway of the castle, and Ruto curtsies.
"Well, thank you for a delicious lunch!" she coos. "It was wonderful seeing you again, Zelda! Oh... and YOU TOO, LINK!"
"Uh, yeah... see ya, Ruto. Good luck with your new husband!" Link says.
"GOOD LUCK INDEED!" she shrieks. "Of course you'd say that... My current RECORD WITH MY FIANCES BEING AS IT IS!"
She glares at Link, then whistles and motions out the door. "ALL RIGHT GUYS! BRING HIM OUT!"
The twenty Hylian guards appear again, dragging King Zora out the door.
"Fare thee WEEEEEEELL!" he calls to the Royal Family of Hyrule.
"YES! FARE THEE VEEEEEEEEEERY WELL! YOU LYING, CHEATING @$$*%^&!" Ruto shrieks. "BYE ZELDA, DAAH-LING!"
Zelda waves goodbye. "Oh, it's so nice to see them again!"
"Yeah... real nice..." Link groans.
The afternoon rolls around, and it's time for the royal couple to head for the castle courtyard for croquet practice and a stroll through the garden until 5.
The second they reach the courtyard, a group of servants race out with piles upon piles of equipment and clothing. Some servants set out the croquet course, a few give the croquet mallets a fresh coat of paint, and some work on making brand new outdoor hats for the king and queen.
"Wait," says Link of the new green summer cap on his head. "I... already have three of these up in my room."
"Not anymore," laughs Zelda. "We destroy them after croquet practice every day!"
"Isn't that a little wasteful?" he asks.
"Of course not!"
Two servants hand the king and queen their mallets, and Impa walks up with the scorecard.
"CURRENT SCORE: LINK- 0! ZELDA- 0!" Impa screams to the servants, who clap.
"You first, Zelda." Impa says, bowing.
Zelda walks up to her pink ball, pulls back the mallet, and gives the ball a dainty tap. It rolls several feet through the first hoop and stops.
The servants all clap and whisper comments to each other.
Link grabs his mallet and is about to take a shot, when Impa screams, "CURRENT SCORE: LINK- 0! ZELDA- 1!"
Link rolls his eyes, pulls back the mallet, and gives the ball a mighty WHACK!-
Right into the brand new stained glass window being made in his likeness.
CRASH!
"D'OH!" he grunts.
"It's all right, sweetie!" Zelda laughs. "We can replace it!"
Link giggles nervously.
A servant runs back with the ball and places it at Link's feet. Impa steps forward again.
"CURRENT SCORE: LINK- -1! ZELDA- 1!"
Zelda gives her ball another tap, and it sails gently through the next two hoops.
On his next turn, Link desecrates another glass window and gives the head butler a severe concussion.
On her next turn, Zelda sends the ball through the next two hoops again, with enough time left to daintily wipe a bead of sweat off her face with a lace hanky.
On his turn after that, Link kills a pigeon.
"I think... I'd better not hit the ball anymore." Link sighs.
"Oh come now, dear! I'm sure you will get better!" Zelda laughs, smacking her ball through two more hoops.
Link shrugs, and places his ball back on the starting line. "OK, here we go..." he whispers.
Impa steps forward just as Link is about to hit it. "CURRENT SCORE: LINK- -478, ZELDA- 23! NEXT TURN GOES TO-"
WHACK!
Impa collapses to the ground, unconscious.
"Oops," says Link.
"Um... let's go for a stroll now, darling!" Zelda says, pulling him away from her unconscious attendant.
The Royal Garden has been finely attended to lately, and all the flowers are in full bloom. All sorts of animals from birds to squirrels to little frogs scamper through the fragrant green grass, and the air is sparkling clean.
"It's so beautiful here!" Zelda coos, spinning around with her arms out.
"Yeah... great..." Link sighs.
The couple walk through the garden a while longer, and suddenly, Zelda throws her arm out to point at something, whacking Link in the nose.
"Oh LOOK!" she giggles. "A happy little songbird!"
"OWWW!" Link whines, rubbing his nose.
Zelda races over to the bird, perched on a windowsill, and glances at it lovingly. "Hello little friend! Hello! Will you sing a song for me?"
The bird trills out a melody, which Zelda feels obliged to repeat.
Link holds his ears.
"Oh darling! Isn't he lovely?"
"Gorgeous," Link replies.
Zelda giggles and runs back to his side.
They walk for a while longer, and Zelda throws her arm out, whacking Link in the nose again. "OH LOOK! A darling little chipmunk!"
She races over to the chipmunk. "Hello little friend! Hello! Oh Link, isn't he cute?"
"THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ALL OVER THE WORLD!" Link mumbles, watching stars around his head from that last whack to the head.
"Is that a love sonnet that you are writing for me? Oh, how lovely!" she sighs. Then the Queen scampers off down a nearby path towards a fountain, singing all the way.
Link sighs and watches her run.
"AHEM!"
Link spins around and sees Al standing near the windowsill where the happy little songbird was.
"Now you have no excuse not to listen to me." Al snorts. "What's the matter?"
"Zelda just bopped me one looking at a 'darling little chipmunk!'" Link groans.
"Ah. She's perky, isn't she?"
"Perky and hyper-optimistic." Link grumbles.
Al nods. "Zelda is used to things being perfect for her, because she grew up as royalty. She doesn't like change, or things to be bad or dislikable."
"So I've noticed. And that's why she completely ignores the fact that I'm really... REALLY not that good at being civilized."
"She's in denial."
"So true," Link sighs. "And she needs singing lessons. But gosh, she's pretty."
"Remember, my son: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" Al says wisely.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Link asks.
"Well it means that... gosh... to tell you the truth, I don't know. But it's important for you to remember on your journey tonight. All of the girls are pretty..."
"Ruto isn't," Link shudders.
"Shut up, the cow is speaking here. I was SAYING that all of the girls are pretty, but it's not the looks, but how they act towards you that matters."
"This is starting to sound like a really, really bad children's book." Link sighs.
"LINK! Where did you go? It's almost time for our royal banquet!" Zelda shrieks.
"Oh good grief... If I have to even SMELL one more piece of food that came out of that kitchen..."
"You will." Al laughs. "Oh, and by the way, I forgot to mention something."
"What?" asks Link quickly. "Is it important?"
"Sort of," Al says. "I forgot to mention that..."
Suddenly, Zelda skips back into the area of the garden where Link and Al are talking. Link immediately spins towards her, and Al vanishes.
"Oh, hi darling!" he coos exaggeratedly.
"HI BABY!" she coos back. "Come on! It's time for our royal dinner!"
Within minutes, Link has been dragged up to his room, changed into royal banquet clothes, and rushed back downstairs to the grand dining hall to await the guests of the banquet, who happen to be visitors from some other kingdom that Link's never even heard of but it supposed to be nice to anyway.
What could Al have forgotten to mention? Link asks himself as he waits for the guests to arrive.
Suddenly, the bugle players run into position, the dude with the scroll shows up again, and all of the servants gather in a big circle around the dining table.
"PRESENTING ON THIS GLORIOUS EVENING IN OUR FAIR KINGDOM OF HYRULE... VISITING ALL THE WAY FROM SHAYKEYABÜTYSTAN, THE HANDSOME, WEALTHY, BELOVED, REVERED, AND ALL-AROUND WELL-LIKED KING BEEGEE! ALONG WITH HIS FAIR, BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, AND ALL-AROUND MAGNIFICENT QUEEN ELLAFITZGERALD!"
The servants all scream and clap and cheer, only before realizing that they've never happened to have heard of the small kingdom of Shaykeyabütystan. (Population 1,032: located on the sunny Earthwyndnfyre Peninsula, whose chief exports include rubber pants and cat food, and birthplace of some of the finest disco musicians ever to have walked the earth.)
The royal family of Shaykeyabütystan enters the dining hallway, only to be met with a blazing bugle cadence-
-Right in their ears.
The good king Beegee is a tall, skinny man, with a black beard and goatee. His lovely wife Ellafitzgerald is a rather plump woman with curly red hair.
The Shaykeyabütystanian Royal Family has a seat at the table, and the first thing the king says is, "WHY ARE THESE CHAIRS SO HARD?"
"Well, it's nice to meet you too." Link grumbles.
"Good evening!" Zelda squeals with all of the flourish she can muster.
"Daah-ling, I wonder whot we're HAAAAVING for deeeenner!" Queen Ellafitzgerald says in a pompous voice.
"I'm sure it will be nasty," says King Beegee. He stares at Link. "So... YOU'RE the King of Hyrule?"
"I sure am," Link says smugly.
The King stares at Link for a second, then raises a bushy eyebrow. "My goodness, Queen Zelda... Where did you dig THIS one up?"
Link's eye bug out, and Zelda just giggles. "Oh King Beegee! You and the Shaykeyabütystanian Royal Family were always so funny!"
"ZELDAA!" Link whines. "He just made fun of me!"
"Oh, don't be silly darling!" Zelda giggles.
"What's... with the hat?" asks the honorable King Beegee of Shaykeyabütystan.
"This is my favorite hat, thank you very much." Link says, annoyed.
"Good grief, Zelda. You turned down our arranged marriage for THIS? I'm so much sexier!" King Beegee chuckles.
WHACK!
That was Queen Ellafitzgerald's heavy purse whacking her hubby in the back of the head. "Why CHARLES! Don't you DAAAARE tolk about before we were MAAARRIED!"
"Sorry, darling..." King Beegee whines, rubbing the back of his head. "So, what's on the menu tonight?"
"Baked Keese Snot Omelet!" Zelda grins. Link gags.
"AH! The rare Hylian delicacy!" King Beegee chuckles. "I wonder if they EVER ate anything as refined as that where your King Link grew up..."
WHACK!
That was Link smacking Queen Ellafitzgerald's heavy purse into the back of King Beegee's head. "Shut up!"
"Why Link, he's just kidding!" Zelda giggles. "Isn't he charming?"
Link almost laughs.
King Beegee stares angrily at Link. "So... Lunk."
"Link."
"Whatever. Where exactly... DID you grow up?"
"Kokiri."
"The FOREST?" King Beegee laughs. "Oh you've GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Zelda, you dumped me for a FOREST FAIRY!?"
"A sweet and lovable and really, really cute Forest Fairy!" Zelda says lovingly. Then she grabs Link by the face and pulls him into a long kiss.
King Beegee watches disgustedly, and Link eyes him smugly.
Zelda stops, giggles shyly, and turns back to Queen Ellafitzgerald and King Beegee.
"Booyah," Link says, sticking his tongue out at him.
King Beegee looks furious.
A while later, Link, Zelda, Beegee and Ellafitzgerald are all hard at work on their baked Keese Snot omelets... Well, at least Zelda, Beegee and Ellafitzgerald are. Link is staring at it and trying not to throw up.
"Tell me, Queen Ellafitzgerald..." Link says, pushing away his plate. "In order for something to be a delicacy, just how gross does it have to be?"
"Why of COUUUUURSE, it has to be GROOOOOOSS enough so that noooo oother person in their right mind would EEEEVER eat it!" Queen Ellafitzgerald giggles.
"I see that now..." Link says, his eyes wide at the tasty-looking (AHEM-not!-AHEM) dish of Octorok Ala King the head butler has just set on the table.
"Why, aren't you hungry dear?" asks Zelda, slurping down the chicken fried dish.
"Um... no. Not THAT hungry," he chuckles weakly.
Dinner progresses fairly normally (even with Link's gagging and King Beegee's constant insults) when suddenly, everything goes crazy.
Impa races into the dining hall, screaming. "YOUR HIGHNESSES! YOUR HIGHNESSES! An enemy has attacked the castle!"
"OOOOH NOOOOOO!" Queen Ellafitzgerald shrieks.
"OOOOH CRAAAAP!" King Beegee shrieks.
"OOOOH DEEEEAR!" Zelda shrieks.
"OOOOH... well, so what?" asks Link, shrugging.
Suddenly, Zelda is surrounded by a pinkish crystal of solid magic glass.
"HUH?" she gasps.
"Zelda!" Link cries.
Then, the crystal lifts up into the air and disappears with Zelda inside, screaming her head off.
A sinister voice rings through the room. "IF YOU WANT TO SAVE ZELDA, COME TO MY NEW CASTLE IN THE HAUNTED WASTELAND! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! ~LOVE, GANONDORF"
"OH NO!" Link shrieks. "Where's my sword? Where's the MASTER SWORD!? I gotta go save her!"
"Whaddya, nuts?" Impa yells. "You can't go save her!"
"Why not?" asks Link.
"Yeah, why not?" asks King Beegee.
"Because, stupid. You're the king! You can't go out and risk your life for your queen!"
"Why not?" asks Link.
"Yeah, why NOOOOOOT?" asks Queen Ellafitzgerald.
Impa rolls her eyes. "Because then Hyrule would be without a king, and everything would get ruined. What kind of a king runs out to save the day when someone is in trouble? NO KIND OF KING DOES THAT! Your job is to sit inside and rule things, and then when the Hero of Time fails, you run around shrieking 'OH CRAP! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!'"
"You're kidding me. I can't go save the world? But I'm the Hero of Time!" Link cries.
"Don't you remember, your majesty? You turned in your Hero of Time title when you got inaugurated." Impa shrugs. "We'll have to call the new Hero of Time."
"NEW HERO OF TIME?" Link gasps.
Suddenly, there is a flash of light and the NEW hero of time shows up.
"Reporting for duty, your majesty!" yells Mido, wearing an exact replica of Link's clothes, with all of his old weapons and even the Master Sword.
"You have GOT to be joking." Link says to Impa angrily.
"Of course not. We figured the best replacement for Hero of Time would come from the Kokiri Forest as well. And this boy here turned out to be the best."
"But MIDO? Are you sure there was no better person for the job than MIDO?!"
"Bet your @$$, your majesty." Mido says with a mock salute.
"BUT I HAAAATE MIDO!" Link wails. "HE CAN'T HAVE MY JOB! HE CAN'T HAVE IT, HE CAN'T HAVE IT, HE CAN'T! I WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAVE THE WORLD!"
"Should have thought of that before you married Zelda." King Beegee shrugs.
"I HAVE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!" Link squeals. "I AM IN A BAD ENOUGH MOOD ALREADY! I HAVEN'T EATEN ANY REAL FOOD ALL DAY, I'VE RECEIVED A DEATH THREAT FROM A ZORA PRINCESS, MY WIFE HAS JUST BEEN KIDNAPPED, AND I'VE JUST LOST THE COOLEST JOB IN THE WORLD!"
"Well, I'm off to save the day now." Mido says, waddling out of the dining room and heading for Ganondorf's lair.
Link is almost pulling his hair out in frustration.
"Maybe we'd better be going..." King Beegee says, grabbing his wife and stepping slowly towards the door, keeping an eye on the enraged King of Hyrule. "COME ON! HURRY, DARLING!"
They both shoot off towards their private coach out front that will whisk them back to Shaykeyabütystan.
As they race out the door, the buglers play yet another blaring loud cadence-
-Right in King Beegee's ear.
"OWWW!" he wails, just before scampering out the palace door again.
A long time passes... Link stands in the throne room, pacing back and forth... back and forth... back and forth...
"I hate it when she goes out like this..." he whines.
"Calm down," Impa says soothingly. "Mido is out looking for her."
"That's what I'm afraid of." Link murmurs.
"What, you don't trust him?"
"You're talking about the kid who had a reputation for being able to belch the alphabet back when we were kids..." Link sighs. "Of course I don't trust him."
Link continues pacing back and forth... back and forth...
"Cut it out, your majesty! You're making me dizzy!" Impa whines.
Suddenly, the king and his bodyguard hear a door slam, and Zelda (a little scratched up but otherwise perfectly fine) strolls casually into the room.
"DARLING!" Link cries, racing into her arms.
"Good evening, dear..." Zelda sighs.
"I've missed you terribly!" Link wails.
"I know," she sighs.
"What's the matter?" asks Impa.
"Mido got eaten by Ganon... But not to worry. He gave him such a bad stomachache, it forced him to run back to the Sacred Realm and lock himself in to cure the pain."
"Hooray!" Link cheers.
"Oh, but there is one thing..." Zelda says softly.
"What's that?" asks Link.
"PSSST! HEY LINK!" whispers a voice.
"Just a minute darling," Link says, turning around to see Al standing by the throne.
"WHAT is it now, Al?"
"Check the time, smart guy." Al says.
Link looks at a clock on the wall. It's 5:59!
"5:59! That means I only have one minute left until..."
"UNTIL YOU DIE!" shrieks Zelda.
Impa screams, and Link spins around to see Zelda, eyes glowing evilly, holding up a deadly loaded crossbow.
"WHOA NOW!" Link yelps, jumping backwards. "Let's talk about this, Zelly..."
"This is what I forgot to tell you!" Al sighs, shaking his head.
"WHAT?" Link gasps.
"Royal wives are often kidnapped, and can be brainwashed against you by evil sorcerers," Al scolds. "I thought you would have known that."
Zelda speaks, but this time in a deep and scary voice. "How do you like my wedding present, Link? An assassin bride! ~ Love, Ganondorf."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" shrieks Link.
Zelda laughs wickedly and prepares to pull the trigger, when suddenly...
The floor disappeared right underneath Link, and he was falling!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-"
WHAM!
"-OWWWWWWW!" Link groans, standing up and popping a crick in his neck.
He's back on top of the Mystic Pyramid of the Spirit Guides in the Sprit Realm. Al stands in front of him, knitting a sock. He's still wearing his southwestern spirit robe.
"Well. How was your trip being King for a day?" asks Al, very pleased with himself.
"HORRIBLE!" Link screams, checking to make sure all his weapons are there. "I didn't know I had to give up my JOB to be the King!"
"Well, it's true. You don't see the President of the United States out there actually FIGHTING in the wars, do you?"
"But I at least thought home life as a king would be good!" Link whines. "What was up with all that disgusting food?"
Al mimicked Zelda's voice perfectly. "It's a delicacy!"
"Just cause you're rich and powerful doesn't mean you have to eat THAT!" Link snaps. "And well... I don't think I'm quite the right type to be the KING of Hyrule..."
"Maybe, maybe. But enough about your lifestyle. How was Zelda?"
"She was great," Link sighs. "But that kidnapping thing could definitely have an impact on our love life... And I wouldn't marry her if it meant I have to go through THAT everyday!"
"What?" asks Al. "The kidnapping and the banquets and the getting along with people you don't like and the loud bugle cadences?"
"NO! THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY POP-TARTS!" Link wails. "I CAN'T LIVE IN A LIFE WITHOUT POP-TARTS!"
Al nods. "See? This is the kind of stuff you're supposed to find out in a spiritual journey."
"Heyyy..." says Link as he scratches his chin. "Could I marry Zelda and then not be the King?"
"Zelda's the only heir to the throne, you dork. Hyrule needs a king. Don't be so selfish," Al scolds.
"It was just an idea..." Link sighs.
"Have a seat, my son..." Al says, putting away his knitting. "It is time for me to philosophize..."
Link has a seat, and watches a few magic Spirit Realm tumbleweeds tumble by the base of the pyramid.
"Hey, where'd the robe come from?" asks Link.
"I found it in my closet while you were gone," Al says quietly.
They sit in silence for a few seconds, and Link speaks.
"So Zelda is a no," Link says.
"Don't be so sudden, my son. If you jump to conclusions about things, things shall cause your conclusions to jump you." Al says wisely.
"What the heck does that mean?" asks Link.
"For all you know, life with Zelda could be the BEST!" Al says. "All the rest of them could be even more abysmal than this one."
"I hope not," Link shudders.
"Now shut up. I'm philosophizing." Al closes his eyes and mutters a few things. "When you marry someone, you should not always choose the richest and the most powerful. Because often the truly richest one with the most power is actually quite poor and weak. But riches and power can also be found in the heart, you remember."
"Hmm... yeah, I guess..." Link sighs.
"I believe our next girl fits that description quite well. Though she is poor and humble, she has quite a strong heart."
Suddenly, a bright red ring of light surrounds Link. "WHOA!" he gasps. "Another scenario already?"
"I have said what I needed to remind you of before you set out," Al says. "Wow... that was fast," Link says.
Al's Magical Spirit Screen of Datingness appears next to him, and the
magic spirit cow stands up and pulls out a microphone and some cue cards.
"Our next girl hails from her father's ranch in the center of Hyrule Field... An animal lover of all types and a budding young conservationist, Bachelorette #2 likes ice cream, going for a ride through the countryside, and getting caught in the rain. Please say hello to..."
The girl's picture flashes onscreen as Al reads her name.
"MALON LON-LON!"
"Hey, I like her! She's cute!" Link grins.
"Remember what I said about beauty..." Al warns.
"It's all right, Al. Malon is no way near as rich as Zelda. Life with her should be simple, and probably a lot more relaxing than running the country!"
Al snickers.
Link's confident look melts away. "... Right?"
"I guess you'll see for yourself," says Al, pulling a small lever next to the screen.
Link once again begins to rise up towards the sky, with all sorts of wongo spirit visions around him. Tumbleweeds, cacti, and all sorts of desert life: tortoises, lizards, roadrunners, coyotes...
Suddenly, the images melt into several very clear, very serene pictures. The first showing a happy young couple riding their horses through a field... the second showing the same couple sitting in a field of flowers singing... and the third showing a wedding under the stars...
Then without warning...
WHAM!