Well today is my birthday and I got this diary from my Mum so I thought I'd you know, write stuff in it.
My best friend Ginny had a diary when she was in 1st Year, and that turned out to be more than just a little bit dodgy, but this one looks safe enough.
And yes, I know Ginny is a year younger than me, but it doesn't bother me at all. She's pretty mature for her age and I'm still best friends with Harry and Ron, but they are guys and I need a girl best friend too, you know?
Ginny stayed over with me for two weeks in the summer, it was so much fun. We did Muggle stuff like going to the movies (Bridget Jones's Diary is so funny!) and shopping in London and all that.
And so yeah, it's really good that Ginny is my best friend because I'm enough of a freak as it is without just having two blokes as best friends, even is one of them is probably the most famous boy in the Magical world,
I mean, I'm a total brainiac AND I've never been kissed by a boy. Now that sure rates me pretty high on the Freak-o-meter.
I sort of had a boyfriend for like 6 months, but he never kissed me so I don't know if he actually was my boyfriend.
But honestly, what kind of annoying boy stalks you in the library for 3 months, invites you to the Yule Ball, makes you get kidnapped by mer-people because you're the thing he'd most miss, nearly beats your best friend up in the Forbidden Forest because he was jealous, invites you to Bulgaria for the summer then cancels on you and dumps you before even kissing you???
Honestly.
I'm not sure if I would actually want to be kissed by Viktor, now that I think about it he's pretty ugly. Really. He's got these feral bushy eyebrows and his nose looks like Snape's (ew) and he's all duck footed and hunched over. But still he is and international Quidditch player, but still, I can't imaging him putting his tongue in my mouth ew.
I don't think I'd let him.
I saw Draco Malfoy put his tongue in Pansy Parkinson's mouth the other day. They where at the table next to me in the library and I got this totally close up view of it. It kinda grossed me out.
Still, I'd probably let Draco Malfoy kiss me like that. I mean he's the best looking guy in the whole of Hogwarts, and the most popular. He's even more popular than Harry, because although Harry is famous, he's still a bit of a twit, if you can take it that I'm not saying that in any mean sort of way, it's just true.
But I doubt that Draco Malfoy would ever want to kiss me. He's going out with Pansy Parkinson, who's tall and has long silky blonde hair and all the right body parts that are all the right size (if you get my drift) and is a cheerleader. I think she kinda looks like that American Muggle teeny-bop singer Mandy Moore. Or Britney Spears. Or Christina Aguilera. Or Jessica Simpson. I can't tell, they all look the same.
I'd never look like that.
I have dodgy frizzy hair that's sort of curly but not curly enough and is kinda triangular in shape. It's not blonde. It's actually not even brown, but sort of in the middle, like mouse-brown or dishwater-blonde. Attractive, huh? And I'm short (but I'm taller than Harry so I guess that's all right) and I'm still waiting for the growth spurt that goes out as well, and I'd never be a cheerleader, because a) Gryffindor doesn't actually have a cheerleading squad, although Lavender and Parvati were talking about it the other day, and b) I wouldn't get into the squad even if we did have one because I don't fit the main admission criteria: I actually have a brain.
I wish a boy would notice me.
Actually, Draco Malfoy did, once.
We were in Hogsmeade the other day and he saw me and looked at me with those incredibly grey eyes and he said,
To me.
And the way he looked at me, he was like totally looking into my soul. I mean it. Past the frizzy hair and the test scores and my hitting him in third year (before he was hot) and the fact that I don't know what a Wonky Faint or something is.
Ginny said his synapses must have been out of wack because of heatstroke (it was pretty hot, for September) and that he must have sort of recognised me but couldn't place my face to a name without the suits of armour and paintings for the Hogwarts corridors behind me.
But I know it wasn't heatstroke. I know that the truth is, when he's away from Pansy and all this Slytherin friends Draci is a totally different person. The kind of person who doesn't scare that a girl has frizzy hair and is five-foot-three. The kinda of person that can see beyond all that, into the depths of a girl's sould. I know because when I loked into his eyes that day in Hogsmeade, I saw the deeply sensitive person inside him, struggling to get out. I know he's really the most sensitive boy in the whole of the world.
Ron and Harry would kill me if they knew I said that. They hate Draco.
They just don't know him.

Oh my God.
Oh. My. God.
OH. MY. GOD.
I'm failing a class.
Me. Hermione Granger. Failing. FAILING.
I feel like my world is collapsing around me.
But honestly, it's not even a real class.
In 5th Year it's compulsory to take Flying classes every day after lunch, because we need broomstick licences for OWLs.
And I can't even make my broomstick jump up into my hand. After 4 weeks.
Why?
WHY??
Because I'm a FREAK, as Pansy Parkinson so eloquently put it.
She swished past me on her broomstick that she managed to get off the ground and flicked back her Veela hair (from a bottle of Very Veela Vous potion, of course) and was all like,
Why do nice people like Harry's mum and dad and Cedric Diggory get blown up by You-Know-Who and mean people like Pansy Parkinson never do?
I don't understand what Draco Malfoy sees in her. I mean, yeah, she's pretty, but she's so mean. Doesn't he notice?
But maybe Pansy is nice to Draco. I would sure be nice to Draco. fter all, he's the best looking boy in the whole school. Every other boy looks like a dork in our school uniform, with the grey flannel trousers and white shirt and grey jumper and house tie and black robes, but Draco doesn't. He looks like a model in his uniform. I'm not kidding.
It would be hard to not be nice to a boy like that.
So yeah, anyway, I'm failing Flying.
Madam Hooch told me in private, which was nice of her, and she said she'd give me extra classes after school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays until I get the hang of it.
But when I came up to the common room and told Ginny, Ron overheard and he was all, You are failing something? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thankfully no one else was around so I had to beg him not to tell anyone. I mean, honestly, he's one of my best friends, how can he be so obnoxious?
So Ron says, Well, what are you gonna do for me, huh, Hermione? What are you going to do for me? Well, Ron knows that I'm not going to do his homework for him. And besides – I don't actually know how – but Ron got straight A's last year (just like Draco Malfoy). He's a very good flyer (just like Draco Malfoy). And he's really funny so he's pretty popular (just like Draco Malfoy).
What could I do for someone like that?
But it's not like Ron's perfect, I mean, unlike Draco Malfoy, Ron's not on the house Quidditch team (although he said he's going to try out next month), he's never actually had a girlfriend and he's not a Prefect because he said he didn't want to be one (he's so weird, but at least I have the point up on him in that area).
Ron just kinda hangs around making sarcastic comments. Sometimes though, like last summer when I stayed over at The Burrow for a week, Ron makes sarcastic comments when he's not wearing a shirt, and for someone who's not very cool, Ron has a very nice chest. His stomach muscles are extremely well defined.
I have never mentioned this to Ginny.
Anyway, I guess Ron got sick of me offering to feel his owl Pigwidgeon and polish his wand for a week, because in the end, he just said in this kind of disgusted voice, Just forget it, ok, Hermione? and went off in a huff.
When I asked Ginny what why he was so mad, she said because he'd been sexually harassing me and I didn't notice.
How embarrassing!
What if Draco Malfoy starts sexually harassing me on day (I wish) and I don't notice? God, I can be so stupid sometimes.
But Ginny said not to worry about Ron telling anyone about my failing Flying because the only person he has to tell would be Harry and Harry wouldn't be mean about it.
I guess she's right.
But still, failing???

Ginny Weasley's List of Hottest Guys (compiled when 4th Year Charms and 5th Year Transfiguration had to be substituted by Hagrid at the same time when Profs Flitwick and McGonagall went to a Magical Education in Europe Conference in Rome for the day, with commentary by Hermione Granger)

1. Draco Malfoy (Agree. 6 feet of unadulterated hotness. Notice way blond hair sometimes falls over crystal grey eyes and sleepy smile. Only drawback: has the bad taste to be dating Pansy Parkinson.)

2. Harry Potter (Disagree. Short, skinny, glasses, bad hair, scar, plus is mortal enemy of You-Know-Who, therefore dodgy. Just because he's famous and good at Quidditch, it doesn't mean he's hot. Oh, you mean like Viktor Krum? Precisely. And besides, Hello? He's YOUR BROTHER'S BEST FRIEND. Ew. Kinda like if you went out with Ron? Exactly. Hmm, you know, if you married Ron and I married Harry, our kids would be cousins. GINNY! Joke!!)

3. Cedric Diggory (duh. Rest in Peace, Cedric, we will remember you.)

4. Prince William (Totally, even if he is a Muggle.)

5. Sirius Black (AGREE!!! Hello, hotness. Kind of Harry's godfather, though.)

6. Oliver Wood (Absolutely agree – he is undoubtedly hot. He nearly kissed me in 3rd Year, you know. REALLY?? Uh-huh. ::eyes glaze over as I ponder, What if?::)

7. Colin Firth, best Mr Darcy ever (Absolutely agree. Hey, how much should he be cast as Sirius Black if they ever make a movie or seven about Harry's life? AGREE!!)

8. Tom Riddle, before he was You-Know-Who – trust me, he was HOT (Er Ginny? How do I put this gently let's see oh, I got it: NO.)

9. Neville Longbottom (Strongly disagree. Nice, but not hot.)

10. Professor Lupin (Um sweet, but werewolf.)

Dum-dee-dah, absolutely nothing exciting has happened this whole week.
I am still failing flying.
Oh but I got an owl from Mum & Dad and they said my Uncle Hermes in Greece died or something. That's not exciting, though, but I never knew we had relatives in Greece.

Guess what? We are having another Ball. A Halloween Ball.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO etc.
I'm thinking up some good hexes to use on Lavender and Parvati.
Who's going to invite me, huh?
There aren't any ugly, famous exchange students around this time.
My life SUCKS.
But I did get top marks for my Transfiguration essay on Alchemy. Professor McGonagall was very impressed that I'd done such an advanced topic; apparently we don't cover alchemy until 7th Year.

So this really wierd thing happened today.
I got a letter from Mum and Dad (like the second less than a week – they never write to me this much) and they're coming here.
To see me. Like, WHY?
They want to meet me this afternoon and so they got permission from Professor McGonagall and she came and told me that I don't have to go to my extra flying class with Madam Hooch that I have to do ever Wednesday afternoon and that someone's coming to pick me up in a car.
Weird, huh?
What are my parents doing in Hogsmeade and why don't I just walk down there?
This morning, Pansy Parkinson Purposely Pulled a Pathetic Prank (I like alliteration so sue me) on me when she tripped my up in the corridor on the way to Charms. No one saw though, except Ron, because Ginny was in Herbology and Harry was off sending a letter to Siruis (nothing serious – hehe – don't fret) so he was running late.
So there I was with my books all over the floor and the Slytherins laughing at me. Draco Malfoy wasn't there yet, though, which was lucky for me. So anyway, I just picked up my books and ignored everyone.
Ron looked really angry and he was about to yell something thing at Pansy – actually, I think he wanted to hit her but couldn't, because she was a girl – but I just pulled his arm and told him to ignore her too. He said that was pretty gutsy of me – wasn't that nice of him? – but just now, Ginny said I have a fear of confrontation and that I should really be more assertive and not let Pansy keep walking all over me (or under me, as was the case in this situation).
But what would I say?

Oh. My. God. (Although that might not be the most appropriate expression anymore.) I'm so freaked out I can barely write. I have to get this down exactly the way it happened. Otherwise, when I wake up tomorrow, I might think it was just a nightmare.
But it wasn't a nightmare. It was REAL.
I'm not going to tell anybody, not even Ginny. Ginny would NOT understand. NOBODY would understand. Because nobody I know has never been in this situation before. Nobody ever went to bed one night as one person, then woke up the next morning to find out that she was somebody completely different.
Oh no, wait, that happened to Harry. But he's NORMAL. He just found out he was a wizard and he LIKED his different somebody-ness. I don't. And I NEVER will.
After Arithmancy I went down to the Entrance Hall and there was this guy in a chauffer suit waiting and he said, Good afternoon, Miss Granger. And I was really confused, because he wasn't wearing robes and was dressed like a Muggle but he was inside Hogwarts. What's with that, huh? And then there was a limo outside the doors. I'm not kidding. A limousine. But it must have been magical, because it had couches instead of seats, I mean, it was HUGE inside, and a little snack bar with Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and Chocolate Frogs and other wizard sweets. And I was more confused. Why did my parents send a magical limousine with confectionary inside to pick me up to take to Hogsmeade?
When I got dropped off outside the Three Broomsticks (I opened the door myself and hit the driver – his name is Nick – because I didn't know he was going to open it for me) I went inside and Madam Rosmerta took me to this little private parlour where my parents were waiting. I hugged them and stuff and sat down and straight away went, What's going on?
So, do you know why my parents came all the up here for? Because my Uncle died.
I was like, Mum, really, I'm not upset, I'll be fine, don't worry, I'll get over it. I mean, I've never even met the guy. And Mum went all sad at me. I thought I wasn't being sensitive enough and I said Sorry, Mum, but she started crying! I guess it was her brother.
But honestly, it would have been nice of them to tell me, though, that she had a brother who was – wait for it – A GOD.
Um, Hello? Yes, I said exactly the same thing.
So my whole life I've just thought my parents are dentists, right?
But NO. They are DEITIES.
Oh, so no wonder you never tried to fix my teeth, I said.
And Dad put on his serious face and was all Honey, it is really important that you listen.
So I listened while Mum – in between blowing her nose – told me that my Uncle Hermes was the KING OF MOUNT OLYMPUS.
Hi, nice to meet you.
And MY MUM is PRINCESS HELEN, and not only are they Royalty, because, obviously, that's not enough, THEY ARE DIVINITY.
And I sort of started at her blankly for a moment and said, Nice joke, Mum and Dad, but really, why did you want to meet me? but I was like thinking, what on EARTH is going on? because my parents never joke.
And Mum said, It's not a joke, Hermione, it's the truth.
So OK, get this: THIS WHOLE TIME she has been a goddess. What happened was, Mum didn't want me to be involved in all this God stuff, right, because she hated it, and her brother was older so he was going to become the King when my Grandpapa died (before I was born) anyway, so she moved over here, and pretended to be a dentist. Well, she actually became a dentist to pretend she wasn't a goddess, met my Dad, got married, and just figured she'd be boring and normal. Except for the part of me being a witch I guess excitement just follows her around.
BUT. Now that Uncle Hermes passed away, my mother has to go back to GREECE and be the QUEEN OF MOUNT OLYMPUS.
Oh. My. Word.
And then Dad's all like, So, Hermione, darling, you understand, don't you? and I said No, actually, I don't, because something like me being a witch is odd but normal and understandable, but Mum being a Goddess is just RANDOM. I mean, uh, excuse me for sounding rude, but a GODDESS?? They're from like myths and all that.
And then I thought I had their little game figured out and that they were just off their rockers and being weird on me, because, If Uncle Hermes was a God, how did he die? Aren't deities supposed to me immortal? HAH!!!!!! Got ya.
But NOOOOOOO.
No dear, that was only from the myths. In reality, Gods are like normal people with special powers, like witches and wizards, explained Mum.
No wonder they didn't freak when I got my Hogwarts letter. Justin Finch-Fletchley, who's also Muggle-born, said his mum fainted, then went to get some retail-therapy and bought half of Harrod's.
So, honey, says Mum, you're not Hermione Granger anymore.
I'm not? I looked at her and blinked a few times. Then who am I?
Then she went, kind of sadly, You are Goddess Hermione Athena Demeter Granger Acropolis, Heiress to the Throne of Mount Olympus.
OK.
WHAT? A GODDESS?? ME???
Yeah. Right.
This is how NOT a goddess I am. I am so NOT a goddess that when my Mum started telling me that I was one, I totally started crying. I could see myself in this big gold mirror across the room, and my face had gotten all splotchy like it did last week when my broomstick hit my in the face (at least it moved when I said ). I looked at my face in that big mirror and I was like, this is the face of a Goddess? I already told you what I look like. Goddess can't look like what I look like. Ginny says my only attractive feature is my eyes, which have like about twenty different shades of brown in them, but right then they were all squinty and red-looking, since I was crying.
I mean, goddesses don't cry, right?
Then my Dad reaches out and started patting my hand. OK, I love my Dad, but he just has no clue. Mum was all quiet and he kept on saying how sorry he was. I couldn't say anything in reply because I was afraid if I talked I'd cry harder. Dad kept on saying how it wasn't that bad, that I'd like living at the palace in Olympia with them, and that I could come back and visit my little friends as often as I wanted.
That's when I lost it.
Not only am I a goddess, but I have to MOVE? To stop going to Hogwarts?
I stopped crying almost right away. Because then I got mad. Really mad. I don't get mad really often, because of my fear of confrontation and all, but when I do get mad, look out. (As Draco Malfoy found out in Third Year omg, I cannot believe I DID that!)
I am NOT moving to Greece, I said in this really loud voice. And I can't be a goddess-princess, I'm a freak, look at me. And what about Uncle Hermes's kids? Why can't they be heirs?
Mum looked down at her cup of tea. Because he didn't have any.
Thank goodness Madam Rosmerta had given us a private parlour, because that was when I started yelling, HOW CAN HE NOT HAVE ANY KIDS? HE WAS A KING FOR GOD'S SAKE oh, sorry.
He just didn't think he'd die so young, honey, said Mum, tearing up. He was never really good with girls and he was just waiting to meet the right one then he he and she started bawling.
I didn't care. I was MAD. So then I said, Look, Mum, sorry for yelling, but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN GREECE AND BE A GODDESS, I JUST WANT TO SAY AT HOGWARTS AND BE A NORMAL WITCH!
And then I ran out of the parlour, slammed the door shut behind me and here I am in the ladies' room.
Mum's just come in and she's apologizing and wants me to come out because I have to get back to school, so I better go.
OH. MY. MOTHER.
If Pansy Parkinson finds out about this, I'm dead.