Chapter 33 – Answers

Severus was sitting on the edge of the bed. Everything around him was in a dim silence of an early morning. The only sounds were soft creaks of beds or distant thuds of the mantle of snow sliding and falling from the roof. Those were the sounds so delicate and quiet that they made his flesh crawl pleasantly. He was sleepy and tired but something kept him awake. He knew what it was. He was on the verge of knowledge. The girl, sitting in front of him and refusing to meet his eyes, would soon reveal the answers to questions that had bothered him for so long. He was eager to learn her.

Regina. The source of his fantasies from the very first day he had seen her. She intrigued him and yet he was a little afraid of her. He wanted her and at the same time he knew he should keep away from her, but he could not. She was dangerous and yet so gentle. Those pleasant moments they had had together now seemed light-years ago.

He watched her silently and warily, clutching his wand tightly, would she do something menacing. She was still different than he always remembered seeing her. The paleness had nothing to do with her ivory skin. She seemed to have lost that dazzling shine that left him staring and at loss for words. But she was still beautiful, despite the fact that her body was littered with nasty bruises.

Regina raised her head to look at him, and he looked back in a meaningful and encouraging way. She sighed heavily and looked down at her lap again. Severus did not push; he merely waited for her to be ready.

She opened her mouth and closed it again. She seemed to be considering her next words very carefully.

'If you think that I know …,' she began, her voice barely more than a whisper, 'that I understand how and why …'

'I don't expect you to,' Severus said quietly.

She breathed in and out deeply and began her tale.

'I have never understood what really happened to me when I was born or what happened five days later when my great-great-grandfather died. Nor have I ever been proud of it, as some people have said I should be. My greatest wish has always been to be normal, average, just like everyone else. My biggest ambition ever since I turned seven was to find out 'what if'. What if it hadn't happened, what would I be like then? What would my life be like?'

'Seven years of my life I was almost like mentally deficient. I would curse Vincent and everyone else using wandless magic every time I didn't get what I wanted. Can you imagine that? A seven-year-old using wandless magic. Vincent worked very hard with me. And then one morning, after a particularly bad havoc, I woke up and realized how much I really hated myself for doing that, how much I was afraid of hurting people that I didn't realize I loved. From then on things were a lot better. Better, until I had to start school and get my first wand.'

'I remember the articles that I stole from Vincent because he was hiding them from me. The things they wrote. I had already forgotten how bad I could get, but then I started hating myself again, because I understood that many things they wrote were true. 'The only heiress of the Dark Wizards'', 'the girl within whom the devil resides', 'the child of apocalypse'. I don't think I have ever cried more than I did the night before the first day of school. I was terrified; I thought that all the kids will hate me, like I did. It wasn't like I didn't have friends. I've had Jenner ever since I remember myself. And Samantha was there a long time too. But still, I thought I would never make any new friends. I was so wrong.'

'The stupid kids, they all thought I was indefinitely cool. They were all eager to befriend me, heaven knows why. It changed though when it turned out I was better than everyone at every single subject at school, including Quidditch. They thought I was cheating. By the end of the second year there were only five people in the whole school who did not hate me or on the contrary adore me to sick heights - Jenner, Samantha, Rufus, Portia and Pierce. I don't know why, but they seemed to be more tolerant and understanding than everybody else. Or maybe it was the rich-and-famous-must-stick-up-for-each-other thing. I really don't know. But I'm thankful that I have them.'

'Still it was hard. I was ready to give so much to have what I was never destined to have – a normal life. I wanted to be excited about school, to learn spells together with my friends just like everyone else, not always be superior and feel guilty about it. I don't want to be hated, to be scared of, to be intimidated by or adored. I don't want to be stared at anywhere I set my foot. Everyone thinks I must be lucky, because I have it all – looks, money, fame, a notorious family. No one knows what's behind it. No one knows why I am the way I am. I would probably not even be good looking if not for that bloody Mark on my back.'

At this Severus frowned. Regina saw that and sighed again.

'No one knows this except Jenner and what's left of my family, though I think you might have guessed,' she paused considering something, then continued, 'I am not real. I am a series of information. I was made. Unintentionally maybe, no one will ever know, but still. I was made. I became whom they wanted me to be – them. That is, I would have, if Vincent had not raised me differently. But you have to understand. Rufus always calls me 'a programmed machine'. He is joking, but he has no idea how close to the truth he is. There's not a drop of originality in me. Everything I know, feel, think is their's. I never learned a single spell, brew a potion or ride a broomstick. It was all put in me through that Mark. I was the last one they marked before they died. And the night they died, all the information was given to me. I became their official heiress, the continuator of their empire and terror, the Dark Witch.'

Severus stared, trying to digest all this.

'And when it comes to my looks,' she said with a sad smile, 'I am nothing more than their idea of a woman. A woman is a beautiful doll, whose job is to look good always and forever, no matter the situation. Why do you think I still look good even though I look like I've been through a meat chopper? Because they thought so. A woman who dares to have a hair out of place is not a woman. Do you understand now?'

Severus nodded slowly, staring at her.

'Everyone thinks I'm so perfect, girls are jealous of me. Fools. They don't realize that I am nothing more than a fantasy of two perverts.'

Severus did understand. Looking at her he realized that she really was a fantasy. Too perfect to be true. No woman was like that. His glance slid from her head to foot, ignoring the bruises and the dark circles under her eyes. She was flawless. Every man's dream. A dream. Not a woman. There were no sweet little flaws that made her special. Of course, she was special. She was one of a kind. She was thought out to the very little things. It was horrible to realize that she was already someone's fantasy when he claimed she was his. How many times had he dreamed about her?

'I'm so tired of this life,' Regina said heavily.

'Don't say that,' Severus snapped out of his musings.

'Why not? I don't want to live a life that's not mine.'

'It is yours, it's just …,' he hesitated.

'Just a little planned out?'

'You can change it.'

'How? Everywhere I go people have their opinion about me ready. They don't expect me to be normal human being.'

'You have to go someplace people don't have opinions about you.'

She snorted, 'I'm here. Look what happened.'

'It could have happened everywhere.'

'That's the point. Everywhere I go my past, my life, my so-called destiny haunts me. There's nowhere to run. I can't hide from it.'

Severus kept silent.

'If only I could just know what's it's like to be someone else, to be different, not like them.'

'But you are different. No, listen to me,' he said, for she showed any signs of interrupting, 'you are different. Do you know why? Because you want to differ. That's what matters the most. You were raised by someone who did not want you become like them. He put different qualities and a different outlook on the world in you. And you changed. Didn't you say that you woke up one morning understanding that you did not want to be like that?'

Regina was crying now, 'I feel like such a let-down. He tried so hard to make me better yet I come here and go around, trying to enlist people for my 'Big Plan'.'

Severus thought he heard a sound behind him and turned around. There were no shadows indicating of someone standing behind the curtain, so he turned back to the distressed girl.

'You did not 'go around'. It happened because you were trying to help. No one blames you for that and you shouldn't either.'

'I can't. I feel like such a monster.'

Just as Severus opened his mouth to contradict her, he did hear a sound behind him and spun around, his wand at the ready. He found himself ready to attack the curly read-headed Jenner York, who looked a little alarmed at this type of greeting, but recovered quickly and stepped towards Regina. He put a large steaming cup on the night-stand and hugged the girl, asking, 'how're you doing, little buddy?'

'Ugh,' was all she said.

Jenner smiled and sat down, 'drink this,' he pointed at the cup and Regina drank obediently.

'How's Rufus?' she asked, after setting down the cup.

Jenner shifted uneasily and his expression read, 'I hoped you wouldn't ask this.'

Severus answered for him, 'you must see him yourself. Madam Pomfrey is not quite accustomed to foreign Dark Magic and nor am I.'

'Oh, how bad is it?' Regina asked looking from Severus to Jenner.

'Well,'Jenner mustered all his courage, 'he's still bandaged, but Madam Pomfrey says that there will be a scar left.'

'And certain pigmentation,' Severus added.

Regina issued a tortured moan and sank back in the pillows huddled up.

'Hey, look at it from the bright side,' Jenner said, 'he's always wanted a tattoo.'

'Jenner! How can you joke about this,' Regina asked, looking utterly miserable and desperate, 'it's horrible. I've ruined him.'

'Nah, he was ready to die for you.'

Regina threw him a stern look.

'What? He said that.'

Now her look was different. It read, 'please say that you are joking.' But Jenner just shrugged.

'Oh of course he did. The little fool. I hate myself.'

With these words she buried her head under the pillow. Severus stared at the white lump under which her head had disappeared, his mind on Rufus Westbrook.

'Oh, come on. You have to face the world,' Jenner said, tugging at the pillow, 'breakfast is about to be served.'

'I'm not going,' her muffled voice said.

'I think it better if she stayed here a little while,' Severus said.

York looked at him meaningfully and Severus raised his eyebrows slightly. Regina in the meantime had reappeared from the world of under-pillow and dedicated a weak smile to Severus.

'I'll go down for dinner,' she said turning to Jenner, who looked disappointed.

'Promise?'

'Yes,' she said, 'but now I will continue to lambaste myself morally.'

Both men looked at her meaningfully.

'Go, I really want to have some more rest.'

When they both showed no signs of leaving, she opened her mouth as if she was going to shout and mouthed, 'Madam Pomfrey.'

The two very different men had some few things in common. One of them was – they did not like to be lectured by Madam Pomfrey, so they had no choice but leave the Hospital Wing and Regina.